Sorry I’ve been gone. I’ve been busy as hell lately, but here I am. (On a side note, I ran a half-marathon the 31st and finished first for women and third overall. It’s not important, I’m just super proud of myself).

But now, let’s talk about: Bad Writing Advice that is unfortunately popular to give and receive these days.

And keep in mind, these are my opinions. As usual. Don’t get mad if you live by this advice. Sometimes, there’s only parts I dislike.

1. Show don’t tell.

I’ve already talked about this and I’ve already upset some people over it, but you have to admit: when not used in moderation, showing is just as horrible as telling. And I’m probably going to do an entire chapter on this, but here’s what you need to know:

Only showing leads to purple prose which is BAD. I think my animosity for this stems from the fact that I have a strong focus in American Lit and that’s not about endless description (usually).

But have you guys ever read classic literature and had to suffer through three pages of description about a bedroom? Yeah, don’t do that.

It’s cool to describe things by showing, but don’t show so much that you’re wasting my time telling me about this oak desk with three drawers and brass knobs that sits in the corner and has a scratch three and three sixteenth inches from the right edge and chips in the left corner if it has nothing to do with the plot and I never have to see this desk again.

2. Don’t use adjectives and adverbs

I’ve just recently come across a few writing “rules” that say this and I have to disagree. The adverbs thing I understand to an extent. Take this for example:

“I’m so excited!” she said happily.

The happily is implied by the “excited” and the exclamation point. It’s pointless (though I’m extremely guilty of this in first drafts. So really, just be conscious when you’re editing. It won’t kill anyone. It just cuts out unnecessary things).

And the only problem I have with adjectives is when they’re stacked. I say two at a time. Three at the most. Other than that, adjectives are great. Use them.

3. Always, always, always use proper grammar.

The only horrible part about this is that you shouldn’t always use proper grammar. More often than not, yes. But when you’re writing dialogue, hell nah. (See what I did there? I write this book in vernacular, so I used a colloquialism).

Let’s be honest, if you correct someone’s grammar when they talk to you, they get annoyed. So don’t do that to your characters. If they’re teenagers and not linguist, let them make little mistakes: “Me and Billy went to the store yesterday” instead of “Billy and I travelled to the market yesterday.”

Seriously, most English majors are pretentious assholes until they get several PhDs. Then they realize that dialect, vernacular, and regionalism and waaaay more important that sounding like a smartass.

4. Dragging things out gets boring. Make the events happen as quickly as possible.

Sorry, but you’re not going to fall in love and get married in a day…unless it’s Vegas…and you’re drunk. If you’re writing something boring, odds are it doesn’t need to happen or you need to reevaluate your approach to it. But don’t jump in so quickly that the readers don’t have time to connect with anything.

5. Sex sells.

I’ll admit, romance is supposed to be more flowery and poetic. But, morning sex isn’t fun before you brush your teeth, shower sex is dangerous (since the MC seems to only have the flaw of poor coordination),  I can’t walk on the beach without getting sand everywhere (so don’t even get me thinking about fooling around), and screwing in every chapter is just asking for an infection.

Seriously. Romance is more than that. Sure, erotica is popular now, but c’mon. Give the readers more.

(Although I will admit, the scenes with implied sex that I post ALWAYS have more reads than the other chapters in the same novel. Seriously. The read counts on Pretty Little Bones are whack because it really does sell…but that doesn’t mean you should write them to get popular. Write them because they matter and they need to be told.)

6. Start with a prologue

To level with you guys, I tend to really not like prologues. I’ll take an introduction (like, an extended summary type thing) over a prologue any day.

It just says to me “my story is super boring at the beginning, but here’s a taste of when it gets better”. It’s not always like that, but I feel like 99% are. If you write a prologue with someone dying and the next chapter is them waking up and describing themselves getting ready for school in the morning (and describing them head to toe (don’t do that)), don’t waste my time.

Start somewhere important. But that’s just me.

7. Write everyday

This may be true for some people, but definitely not for me. I’m not sure I should call it bad advice, it’s just not universal. If I have too much shit to do and I sit down to write, I stress out and it ruins the entire story for me.

Does that mean it’s cool to be lazy? No. Writing takes commitment. Own up to it.

8. Write what you know

Sure, this is good on the surface. You don’t want to write a completely inaccurate story. But you know what, if I want to write a story about being deaf, I can research it. No, I don’t know what it’s like, but that’s not an excuse to not try to learn about it right!? R.E.A.S.E.A.R.C.H.

(Can I share a story? For any of you doubting just how much of a mess I am, this is proof. So, my best friend actually knows ASL (American Sign Language) and he’s taught me a lot of things.

Well, a few weeks ago, I was coming back from the gym and these douchy guys were playing basketball and they were yelling at me to join them. So when they threw the ball at me I started signing to them like I was deaf and they were shocked. But they stopped asking if I wanted to play a little two on one in the bedroom, so go me! I shouldn’t have done that, I know, but don’t be a dick to me.)

9. A strong female lead has no emotions. They’re too girly.

Do what now? I’m sorry, but that’s bullshit. I talked about this in the things you should stop doing with female characters, but it deserves another mention.

Sometimes I’m having a really, really bad time and I want to cry or get angry for nothing. So what? It happens. Get over it. You can’t always be happy and you can’t always be a stone cold bitch. Hormones don’t allow that. Sorry.

(Also, don’t you feel weirdly connected to someone when you see them ugly cry? I do. It’s uncomfortable).

10. The best plot twists come out of left field.

Plot twists are great, but not when they have nothing to do with the story you built so far. You know what happens when you throw in a plot twist that was never foreshadowed or anything? You’re pretty much telling the reader “sorry you just wasted your time reading that shit which is totally irrelevant now”.

Weave in the plot twist throughout the story. Like, when my best friend tried to convince that girl he’s a vampire (she thinks he’s dead now, by the way), he didn’t just randomly walk up and tell her he was a vampire. He unraveled it and when the twist came and we ALL found out what he was doing it was great.

11. Write what’s popular. You’ll get more attention and better feedback.

This is horrible advice through and through. You should write for you, because if the story doesn’t matter to you why should it matter to your readers. It’s cliché, but honestly, stick to what you believe it.

(And if it’s a topic that’s popular, you’re not going to get feedback. You’re going to get “OMGGGG UPDATEEEE)

12. If writing isn’t easy, you’re obviously doing something wrong

This, to me, is complete bullshit. Writing is the hardest thing ever. Some scenes might be easy, but most of them will make you want to cry and tear your hair out and scream. And that’s okay. There’s nothing easy about ripping your soul open and writing the story in blood.

(That was morbid as fuck. What is wrong with me?)

Anyway, what do you guys think? Do you agree/disagree? Have any more bad writing advice?