Rick came home high last night, I couldn't believe what I saw. Kevin allowed him to drink and smoke and possibly popped pills. Something we would never ever consider to do.

I had to take him to my room and give him some water, trying to get him to sleep before our parents woke up.

All Kevin had to say was that he was fine and he kept smiling.

Listen I'm just trying to loosen the boy up.

When I was tucking him in, he leaned towards me and whispered.
"Did you know Kevin went to jail for 7 years?" He asked.

I was shocked, I didn't want to believe him but they always say a drunk has a sober mind and that question came out of nowhere.

I definitely wanted to speak to Kevin after that, I mean I'm not judging him but I just wish he would've kept it real with me.

Anyway

Rick told me he was okay not too long ago, he was sober and all. He said he had fun with Kevin and that I myself need to try smoking a blunt.

He said I should "live a little, it won't hurt"

I was surprised at this.

I didn't like that coming from him. Kevin really have another thing coming if he thinks he's going to turn my brother into a drug addict.

Damn I sound like my parents. If my parents ever knew, they would kill us then they will kill him.

I had to talk to Kevin and tell him to not introduce Rick to drugs because we don't do that.

******

I'm crying while writing this, I can't believe what happened last night, it just kept replaying in my head. My hands are shaking right now, I keep using different pages because my tears was soaking the papers.

I can't tell anyone, I don't know if I should tell anyone, so I'm going to leave it here in this journal.

I told my parents that I was going to the supermarket and went over to Kevin's house instead.

It was my first time going to his house, he always warned me not to go over there without calling him.

I see why.....

He came out and asked me "what am I doing here?"

From that I knew he was guilty, I knew this all too well.

I told him I wanted to talk to him.

He told me to come in, I told him I wanted to stay outside.

He told me it's dangerous outside.

I went in, the house had a repugnant smell. I almost stifled myself walking through his house.

He just casually walked me to his room and yelled to his roommate.

"Get the fuck up out my room, don't you see ma joint here?"

Now that I'm looking back....what is a joint? And was he referring to me like that??

I got so upset I just got straight to the chase.

I told him to stay away from Rick and to also stay away from me, because we clearly have different goals in life. He doesn't want what I want....whatsoever.
He had a confused look on his face. I asked him why didn't he tell me he went to jail.
He told me he didn't want me to look at him differently.
I was triggered by this, so I told him that we needed a break.
He kept holding unto my hand but I resisted and ran home.

Earlier that morning, he sent me my favorite flowers to my house with a note that says "I love you and I want to talk to you. Please forgive me."

I kept the flowers but I was hesitant to call him.

In the evening, this boy showed up in my yard, watering the plants and mowing the lawn with his T-shirt off.

My dad went out for work, I had to tell my mom that it wasn't me who invited him and she said she knows because she's the one who did.

She said she admire the way he handled the situation between him and my dad the other night.

It's a pity she didn't know what transpired the other night.

He saw me looking at him and blowed me a kiss then waved to me. I caught myself staring at his arms and abs.

I went over there to ask him why was he here, he kept smiling and saying my mom invited him.

I pretended like everything was all good.

This dude showed up in our church and sat at the back.

Meanwhile, Andre pulled me to the side to apologize to me about what he said and how messy things turned out amongst me, him and Judy. He realized that Kevin was at the back.

"Is that the guy?" He pointed him out.

I turned around and saw that he was pointing at Kevin and he kept giving Kevin the bad eye.

He told me to stay away from him because he heard nothing but bad things about him.

I didn't want to hear it, I just felt like he was just jealous and knowing Andre, he had a big ego.

He gave me a tight hug then went and sat in his respective seat.

After the service, I realized Kevin was nowhere to be found. He had left the church.

This wasn't the part that broke me.

I went over to his house that same night because I like that he showed effort in what he did and the fact that my mom liked him. That was it for me.

He told me to come in, I came in and the house smelled the same way, his roommate was literally just staring into my soul.

"I'm in here!" He yelled.

I went there to talk to him and he was naked.

I covered my eyes quickly and told him I wanted to talk.

He was giggling and told me that we could talk it out on the bed.

I laughed at first because I just thought he was playing. The look he gave me wasn't normal.

I was contemplating on whether I should just leave, I was wondering if I had made a bad decision.

I told him to knock of the jokes and let's just talk.

He was like "Talk about what?"

And I said about being honest with each other and not lying.

He kept smirking at me, just being unserious and I walked away. He tugged at my jacket and held my hand.

I was so scared, I punched him and ran, he grabbed me up and we started tussling in the bed, he had me pinned down.
And said "That white boy can't fuck you like me and I'm gonna show you." The roommate heard and was trying to stop him.

He turned around and shot him in the head, killing his roommate.

I got up quickly and slapped him in his head with the lamp.

As I was running, he grabbed my foot, I was looking for things to throw at him and I found a knife lingering at the door and I took it and stabbed him in his arm.

He screamed like a girl.

I got up and ran as fast as I could and never looked back.

I was crying on my way home but I didn't want my parents to see me like this, I quickly wiped my tears and went in there smiling.

I went in my room and started crying.

I don't know what to do.

I think I'm gonna go and clear my head tomorrow.