"And I find it kind of funny, find it kind of sad, the dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had..." 

The song's been playing on repeat for the last hour and a half. I thought about turning it off after the second loop. I didn't. Goosebumps prickled my arms and legs as a cold gust of wind came through my open window. My skin felt like it was burning. The room was dark other than the glow of red numbers on my alarm clock. 2:34 AM. 

I'd been sitting here, unmoving for far too long. I kept thinking about getting up. I kept thinking about stopping this before it began. I didn't do either. The only noise was the music, and the quiet hum of cars on the street below. I tried to focus on the cars. The familiar roar of the city just below me. I clung to the noise. Held onto it like a lifeline. It felt like a lifeline. It always did. I leaned my head back against the wall. Salty tears dripped off my jaw. They felt malten against my icy skin. So hot, yet so cold. Inside and out. The song repeated one more time. I still didn't move. 

My eyes lingered on the orange plastic bottle. Little blue pills resided in it, taunting me with my undecided future. I knew they were there. I had tried to forget it. I hadn't been able to. Xavier told me to be careful with them. He'd been the one to sell them to me. At first I only took one every few days. Then I took a few more a little more often. Then too many too often. 

"Their tears are filling up their glasses, No expression, no expression, Hide my head, I wanna drown my sorrow, No tomorrow, no tomorrow..." 

I choked back another silent sob. I didn't want to risk waking anyone up. I didn't need them to watch me do this. Watch me break second by second as the night wore on. I had turned all the mirrors around. Turned all the lights off. Closed my eyes. Tried to float away from everything that weighed down my heavy soul. Tried, and failed. The song started one more time. I felt like I might puke. The ideas that flashed through my brain, made me sick to my stomach. What I would do. What I could do. A car horn outside my window made me jump. 2:56 AM. 

"Children waiting for the day they feel good, Happy birthday, happy birthday And I feel the way that every child should Sit and listen, sit and listen..." 

It's been years since I started feeling this way. This inexplicable feeling of emptiness and affliction. It felt like nothing and everything, all at the same time. I keep thinking someday it'll get better. It never does. It never gets better. It never feels better. Never. And I'm so tired. So tired of fighting, and suffering for a life I didn't even want anymore. I just wanted it to stop. I just wanted everything to stop for a while. Time, emotion. Everything. But that's not the way the universe works. It doesn't abide by my needs or wants. The universe does what it wants and the rest of us be damned. I heard the soft creaking of footsteps outside my door. I still didn't move. 

"Cassie?" My little brother's groggy voice floated through the locked door. I squeezed my eyes shut and leaned my head against the wall again. "Cass, are you okay?" He asked. I took a deep breath and tried to steady my shaky breathing. 

"Yeah Jamie. I'm okay." I lied quietly. I was grateful that I had remembered to lock the door. I didn't want him to see me now, and I didn't want to see him. He didn't deserve to see me like this. He didn't deserve to see any of this. He tried the door knob. 

"Cassie, can I come in?" I knew he was worried about me. Jamie was always worried about me. He was a smart kid. He knew more than I gave him credit for. And that in itself, wasn't fair to my little brother. With as much strength as I could cultivate, I pushed my sagging body off the cold wood floor of my bedroom and onto my shaky legs. I took another deep breath and wiped my sticky cheeks with the back of my hand. Without making a sound, I grabbed my backpack from off the floor and pulled on a sweatshirt over my bare shoulders. I shoved a blanket and a pack of cigarettes into the bag. My eyes lingered on the pill bottle for a little too long. I shoved that in too. I clicked the pause button on my Ipod. 

"And I find it kind of funny, find it kind of sad..." 

"Cassie?" He called my name again, but I didn't respond. I swallowed hard to rid myself of the thick lump in my throat and took one more deep breath. I pulled my bedroom door open and looked down at my little brother. He was still sleepy eyed and pajama clad. 

"Why are you up J?" I asked in a whisper, trying to keep Mom asleep for the time being. 

"Why are you up, Cass?" He retorted in the same tone of voice. 

I shook my head. "Doesn't matter," I gently pushed him out of the way as I slid past and walked down the dark apartment hallway. 

"Where are you going?" I shushed him quickly, whipping around to face the 10 year old. 

"Are you trying to wake Mom up?" I hissed in a whisper. 

Jamie crossed his arms over his chest and glared at me. "Where are you going?" He looked so small standing there in the hallway. He was almost as tall as I was, but to me, he would always be so small in this big world. Too small in too many ways. 

I sighed and walked over to my little brother, wrapping my arms around his neck and pulling him into me for a moment. "I'm going out for a while," I said softly. He relaxed into my embrace, just as I knew he would, and hugged me back tightly. 

"Where?" 

"Just out Jamie. I'll be fine." I didn't tell him I would be back later. I hated making promises I wasn't certain I could keep. He didn't deserve that. He didn't deserve to be lied to. Though thinking about it all, that would have been the least of what he didn't deserve. With a sigh, I pressed a gentle kiss to his forehead and pulled away from my little brother. 

"I love you Jamie. I hope you know that." 

He gave me a funny look and nodded. "I love you too, Cass. I know you love me." 

"I do love you. A lot Jamie." A lot more than I can explain. A lot more than he'll ever understand. "I love you." I couldn't help but feel a heavy burden of guilt looking at his worried, tired little face. And selfishy, it still wasn't enough to make me stay. "I love you, Jamie. I love you so much." 

"Cassie, is everything okay?" He whispered into my shoulder. 

I held him a little tighter and nodded. "Yeah. Yeah everything's okay," I didn't look back at him as I walked down the hall. It was cold outside for a June night. I barely felt it. All I felt was the feeling of my heart pounding against my chest like a steady drum, reminding me constantly that I was still alive. My hands were trembling as I plugged my ear buds into my head, trying to drown out the mayhem growing in my brain. I walked along the highway. I had no idea where I was headed. It didn't matter. Not anymore. 

"All around me are familiar faces Worn out places, worn out faces..." 

The same song started over again. I didn't bother to change it this time either. 20 minutes later, I found myself in the park, walking down the dark winding paths. My heart was pounding so fast. My stomach churned violently. Tears ran down my cheeks in streams. 

"Bright and early for the daily races Going nowhere, going nowhere..." 

I looked around. I was alone. Completely, and utterly alone. More than just in the meaning of the park at 3 AM. I was alone. I felt so alone. I opened my bag and took out the familiar orange bottle. Without hesitation, I shook two little capsules of an undisclosed substance into my hand and swallowed them. It was what I did when I felt alone. I took two more for good measure. 

"Their tears are filling up their glasses. No expression, no expression..." 

My heart rate slowed. My stomach settled. I wiped away a few tears dripping off my jaw. My feet carried me further into the park. I didn't feel the bite of the wind as I pulled off my sweatshirt and allowed myself to be exposed to the cold world that surrounded me. 

"Hide my head, I wanna drown my sorrow, No tomorrow, no tomorrow..."

Tomorrow seemed so empty when I thought of it. It seemed so lonely and sad. I took two more pills. Then a few more. 

"And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad..." 

I had tried to stop this. So many times, I had tried to keep this from happening. But I should have known I never had a chance. And the fuzzier my brain grew, the clearer that became. I never had a chance.

 My future had always been decided, whether I knew it or not. 

The empty bottle slipped out of my hands as my eyelids grew too heavy to keep open. 

"...The dreams in which I'm dying Are the best I've ever had." 

A/N-This story has challenged me more than anything ever has. It's such a difficult topic to write about along with a difficult character and I just genuinely struggled with this story so much. But it is so important and one of my favorites I've ever written :)

Thoughts so far?