"All my grief says the same thing:
this isn't how it's supposed to be.
this isn't how it's supposed to be.
and the world laughs.
holds my hope by the throat.
says:
but this is how it is."

1982

Snow covered the ground in a thick blanket of white as the February sun bore down on Kira, the cold nipping at her fingers. Her nose and cheeks were red as she walked through the cemetery. She carried a bouquet of roses, the peach ones that Regulus had once said reminded him of her.

The gravestone that marked his grave was amongst the most well-kept in the cemetery. It was made from marble and held the intricate carvings of the House of Black crest, along with his name and the date he died.

"In loving
memory of
Regulus Black"

Kira stared at the gravestone. She lowered into a crouch and put the flowers over the grave, before standing back up.

Two years. Exactly two years since the death of Regulus Black. Half a year since the defeat of Voldemort and the day little Harry Potter was named the Boy Who Lived.

She watched, standing idle, as time passed by. Charlie's first year. His second year. His third. Thomas' graduation and his acceptance into the Ministry. The birth of Irene's daughter.

It all passed by and while Kira was filled with grief she watched it happen behind blurry eyes, a ghost of herself. She hated it, but the thought of moving on felt like a betrayal to Regulus.

Aurelia was the one who pulled her out of the pit she fell back into when the Potter's died. The pain that consumed her and the sadness that was brought back from Regulus' death had returned like it had just happened. Aurelia pulled her out of it and was continuing to do so, and Kira returned the favour. She listened to her talk about Sirius and her anger at the ministry and the unjustness of life.

Kira missed him so much. Everything reminded her of him and every time her entire body was flooded with anguish and pain that he was not here anymore.

He was not here and he was never coming back.

Behind her, the snow crunched under someone's foots as they approach. They stopped at her side. She glanced at the man standing next to her. Evan Rosier. Regulus' best friend.

She saw him last year at the same place they stood now. He looked different. His hair was shorter and he was jaw was shaven. A drastic change from the year before. She could not blame him. Her appearance had also changed between the two years. When he saw her last her face was sullen and her hair was to her shoulders. Now, because of the encouragement from Aurelia, her skin had some colour, as much as it could in the winter, and her hair had grown longer.

"How are you?" Evan asked, his hands in his pockets.

She continued to stare at the grave. "Better. You?"

"Better." It came out as a whisper. "It's always harder this time of year."

She looked at the flowers as the snow began to leave a gentle sprinkling over them. "I know."

"I have a new job. At the ministry. In your brother's department."

She nodded. "Do you like it?"

He shuffled his feet in the snow. "Yeah." He looked at her. "I think it's really helping. Having something to do. After it all." After they lost him. All their friends.

"It does. I'm still working for the Ministry in France."

"How is it there?"

She managed a smile. "I'm an Unspeakable. I cannot say."

He gave her a half-smile. "I missed you," he said, and turned to draw her into a hug. She returned it, resting her head on his shoulder, collapsing into his arms. It was a relief, a comfort. Like walking into an old classroom or her first childhood home in France. Like returning to something good.

"I missed you too."

~~~

Irene pulled open the door revealing Kira on the other side. Her face lit up. "Kira! You're here!"

Kira managed a small smile. "It's so good to see you." She pulled her into a hug. She missed her so much.

Irene pulled away. "Come see Emelia." She ushered her through the entrance into the lounge room where Robert stood holding a baby girl. Emelia Jade Raymond.

"Oh, she's beautiful," Kira whispered, an attempt not to start crying. She missed the first year of her niece's life. "She's gotten so big."

"Do you want to hold her?" Robert said.

She nodded and he handed her Emelia. She rest her on her hip and brought her free hand up to her. Emelia grabbed her fingers, trying to pull them apart. Kira took this chance to look at her. Her brown hair stood up in a mess on her head, a clip to hold it out of her eyes. She had the softest brown eyes that looked up at Kira.

"Hi," she whispered. Emelia looked at her and grabbed her hair, rolling it over her hands.

She laughed and looked up to Irene who took Emelia back. "Where's Thomas?"

Robert answered. "In the shower. He should be out soon."

"We said you were coming today so he left work early."

She nodded and her reply was interrupted by footsteps entering the room.

"Kira!" He said, his voice filled with joy. "It's been so long!"

She smiled. "Well, come over here then."

He laughed and walked, almost running, over to her, colliding into her with a grin. She wrapped her arms around him and she stumbled backwards, trying to prevent them from falling over.

He pulled away. "Your hair is longer," he said, taking in her appearance.

"Yes. I let it grow out again. But look at you, is that a beard I see you growing." She reached up to touch his face but he swatted her hand away. The grin had not left his face since he saw her.

"Kira," Irene interrupted. "We have something to tell you."

Her heart dropped but her panic eased when she saw the smiles on her and Robert's faces. "I'm pregnant!" She said.

Kira gasped. "Congratulations!" She pulled her sister into another hug, careful not to squeeze Emelia who was still in her mother's arms.

"How far along are you?" She asked. She had not noticed her sister's belly when she walked in so she assumed it could not be long.

"Two months," she replied.

She grinned. Irene excused herself to go fetch the refreshments and snacks and they spent the rest of the afternoon catching up.

Kira managed to avoid talking much about her own life and her year spent in France but she listened to all of their stories, and the ones about Charles, who was enjoying his Third Year at Hogwarts. The smile fell from her face as she stared at the wooden floor. She had kept track of their lives but they knew nothing about hers. They did not even know she had taken the Dark Mark to save them. It had faded slightly by now, but she often found herself staring at it at night, wondering what would have happened if the Dark Lord survived. Did Charles know what was happening when she took him? Or did he not remember? She hoped he did not.

She swore she would stay in their lives. She would be there for Irene's pregnancy and the birth of her second niece or nephew. She would visit Charles more often and hear all about his friends and time at Hogwarts.

They were her family. She needed to get her life on track and remember that instead of worrying that they would be safer without her. They were safe now. Her father was in Azkaban.

It was a difficult process, but Aurelia was one of the Aurors that tracked him down and caught him. He was sent to Azkaban without a trial. Her family was safe from him. They were okay. She would be okay.

The nagging voice in the back of her head whispered it's thoughts, reminding her of the gaping hole that the war had left inside of her.