The hospital is cold and stark white. The smell of antiseptic, blood, and sweat stings my nose. I see the doctor come through the doors, and the look on his face tells me everything I need to know. The ache that starts in my stomach and travels up, tightening my chest with hope, wants him to say something different. 

I dare him to say the words that will shatter my universe. "Lewis family, I'm Dr. Evans-" your mother is screaming your name over and over Samantha -" The feeling of fresh heartbreak and screaming of my nightmare wakes me with my body covered in sweat and face coated in tears. Only in my dreams can I cry for everything that I lost and for all that I want but will never have.

All these years later I still can't feel my heart. Today is the 18th anniversary. Eighteen years without you. Eighteen years since I watched my future disappear, my dreams have become my devastation. Our families were torn into unrecognizable pieces. I have become someone you could not love, all because love was stolen from me.

I'm a changed man, able to do things I could have never imagined. The motivation that fuels this new me was losing you.  My anger doesn't show on the outside, which is the most dangerous type. The type of anger that takes away your appetite, doesn't let you sleep.  An anger so intense that only debauchery brings me happiness.

Not real happiness but a numbness that fills the void. I relive that moment when I sleep, I feel the shock ricochet pain through my body and lay waste to our future. In the amount of time it takes to fire a weapon, I watched my life fall apart and end the moment you took your last breath. 

But that was then and this is now. They say that there should be peace, they called a truce but I never accepted it and anyone affiliated with the people who stole our lives will meet the same end. 

Fully awake, I start my day at the gym, shower, and have breakfast with the Commander.  Then I have meetings with the other Crews to discuss business. Day in and Day out it's the same. With Navi back home I don't have much to do, so my mind wanders and I think of you more often. 

Getting out of bed, I see blond hair and remember I ran into Kelli last night. I'm not an asshole, I'll make coffee and work out until she wakes up and then I'll take her to breakfast. I don't believe in relationships, but I don't believe in treating women like shit either. 

Kelli and I have been cool for a while and started seeing each other right before Navi came home. I haven't had much time over the last few years. Running our crew, keeping an eye out for Estefania, my parents all of it kept me busy. Kelli didn't mind and would get in where she fit in, last minute, late night it didn't matter she would come to me and do whatever it took to put me in a good mood. 

"Good morning Lover" Kelli's morning voice is cute. I know she is sleepy but she doesn't wear her welcome out, ever. I keep running on the treadmill. I'm four miles into my five-mile morning run. 

"Good morning Sweetheart" I wink at her and keep running. I can tell she has showered and is dressed " You leaving already" The treadmill slows down and I begin the cooldown part of my run.

"Yes, I know you're busy and have things to do" She doesn't expect anything but her tone lets me know she would like to spend more time with me and go to breakfast like we normally do but it is always the same. She doesn't want to appear clingy.

"Give me a minute, let me shower and we can go to breakfast"  When I say it her face lights up "Are you sure?" she asks "Of course, I haven't seen you in a while, what, you trying to get rid of me?" I ask her walking past her I slap her perfectly round ass.  

A couple of months ago Kelli had her body done by the best doctor in Miami, I wasn't sure if It was appropriate to compliment a girl on her surgery, so I didn't say anything. Her body before was fine to me, she had a nice shape to me. I didn't understand why at 30  she felt the need to get her body done. Thinking about Navi's response to meeting Kelli and her friend I could understand it to a certain point. 

The night I introduced Kelli and her friend Tiffani to Navi he was not impressed or interested and he didn't hide it that well.  Then he saw Remi-Blu and was captivated. Kelli and Tiffani are the opposite of Remi-Blu. All of them are beautiful women however Remi-Blu is naturally curvy, like a figure eight.  But I'm not Navi, I don't discriminate when it comes to women, I like them all.

I hear my cell go off and step out of the shower to answer it.

"Hello," thanks to the generic ringtone I don't know who is calling. 

"Carlos?" I hear the familiar voice and immediately it softens my attitude

"Yes, Ma'am how are you this morning?" I ask Mrs. Lewis

"I'm fine Baby, was wondering if you could stop by sometime today, I'd like to talk to you." Mrs Lewis knows whatever she needs I'll do 

"Yes Ma'am I'll come by this afternoon"  

"Okay, Baby I'll see you then." I smile and hang up the phone. Mrs. Lewis' voice always puts me in a good mood. 

Standing in my walk-in closet, I see myself in the ceiling-to-floor mirror. I study the reminders left by my acts of revenge. Three scars, one on my right arm and two across my chest. Normally I don't see them because of the intricate tattoo work I've done. If people looked closely they would see your face intertwined in the piece that covers my heart.   Today the scars are visible. I see them not as they are but as they were when I first earned them.  

The dream, the phone call, the scars all of these are signs. I know you are waiting for me but I'm not ready. I'm not ready to be that close but separated you were never meant to be under my feet, beside me, is where you were meant to be and where you belong. 

All of these are signs, the dream, the call, and now the scars. I know you are waiting for me but I'm not ready. 

"What are you having?" the waitress is an attractive redhead with a sincere smile. I return her smile and note that Kelli's eyebrow arches up but her face remains neutral.

I reign in my smile and look at Kelli "What do you want Sweetheart?" 

"I'll have coffee and the bagel and lox thank you" Her tone lets me know I have put her back in a place of feeling insecure. I reach out and take her hand, smiling at the waitress I give my order to. When the waitress leaves I smile at Kelli " What's on your calendar for today?" 

I waited for a moment for her answer but she just looked at me and I could feel the air between us change.

"Carlos, what are we doing?" Her face was calm. I couldn't find any negative emotions, only real curiosity.

"What do you mean?" I wasn't expecting this conversation to happen so soon. I have had this conversation before, just not so soon. 

"I mean what is happening between us, it feels one way but clearly it is something else" Kelli's face held no accusations.

"I enjoy our time together-" 

"But you are not interested in anything else?" 

The straightforward statement caught me by surprise, I had never considered what we were doing would turn into anything more. 

"I have never considered having anything more, what is that you want?"  Watching Kelli I witnessed the different emotions wash over her face.

"The question I am asking is what is it that you want, Carlos. What do you want from me, what do you want this to become" she motioned with her finger between the two of us? 

I didn't have an answer and my silence spoke for me.

"I understand," Kelli said with a slight smile. Just then the waitress returned with our orders and we ate breakfast as if the last ten minutes hadn't happened.

"What do you have planned for today?' I asked Kelli hoping to get the light-hearted energy back that usually surrounds us.

" I leave for LA tonight," she said in between taking sips of her coffee. I wasn't aware she had any trips planned.

"LA?" 

I waited for her to make eye contact with me, she looked around before finally allowing her eyes to meet mine. 

"I have decided to take on a project in the L.A. office and will be there for a while"  This time all the emotion was missing from her face. 

"When did you decide to work on the West Coast? " 

"Just now." her eyes met mine and I understood it clearly, she made her decision based on my response about our relationship. It made since she didn't have kids or family here, she was young and her career was her focus. But she was also at a time in her life when she was watching her friends get married and start families. 

I was unprepared for this conversation so I nodded and we finished breakfast. After breakfast, I drove her home.  Kelli turned and looked at me "Thank you" she breathed into my mouth before kissing me as if we would never see each other again, as if the L.A. wasn't a flight away. As if the comfort and peace she gave me was now a thing of the past.