Dear Diary: July 12, 2013

Good afternoon. I'm sure everyone knows and understands how what had just happened affected Carlisle. But I seriously doubt anyone really understands how it affected me. Yes, I understand we have more mind readers in the area than ever before. But perhaps—other than Rogue—not too many people can read your soul.

So while Carlisle was out hunting with the boys—he was still feeling weak and was listening to Rogue's advice about hunting more often to get his strength back—I took an old notebook out from a cupboard that I used to write recipes in and decided to write out my feelings. No matter how much I adore Carlisle and how much I love speaking to him for hours and hours, some things just can't be voiced through words. So just like others before me, I will write down what I feel and staple it into his diary for him to read and share with you. That way you can understand everything through my eyes.

Now you all have to understand, I didn't care one bit about the whole Ashley/Carrie situation because as immortals, mortal drama doesn't affect us. Yes I was very upset and sad about all the havoc she created, but when it came to personal danger for us, she was nothing but a flea. When it was all said and done, if she ever came after me personally, I would have just snapped her neck and gotten that over with. I'm sure you know I'm not a cold-blooded killer, but I will defend myself however I see fit if the need arises. Needless, to say I'm glad she is on death row and is out of our hair for good.

However, this whole ordeal with Ferguson and having my husband, my love, the very purpose of my existence, writhing in pain on the ground with his arm literally torn off almost made me want to throw up and pass out at the same time. When Ferguson turned his attention to me saying that I would become his after he destroyed Carlisle and my family, I had the worst kind of flashback you can imagine. I felt like I was back in my mortal life and barely escaping the clutches of Charles, my horrific husband from that time. For a brief moment while we were all paralyzed, I felt like I was back on that cliff ready to jump.

I know Edward read my mind and the look of anguish on his face said it all. He remembers that time all too well himself. I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that if it wasn't for the Watchers saving everyone, it would have gone exactly the way Ferguson had said it would. I would have either run away from him or fought him until he destroyed me too. I would never have stood for being touched by another man, especially not someone as grotesque and murderous as Ferguson.

Amy had something interesting to say when she chased the last one into the forest after Rogue destroyed the other 3. She said that just before she decimated him, she read his mind and figured out their plan. They had planned to come here, destroy all of us, then go to Alaska and take care of our Denali cousins after which—since there was apparently no more Volturi—create a full-blown newborn army numbering in the millions and take over the world! How sick is that? What they never counted on was the existence of the Watchers.

Ferguson wasn't that much older than Carlisle. When Carlisle was turned, he was maybe about 30 years old himself—post transformation I mean. What made him go on this rampage and harm innocent people is beyond me. I sit here trembling as I write each letter, each word. Because our family is so large, and mostly all of the attention is focused on the more outspoken members, I am often left behind in a sense, or the background of my family. A lot of the time that's just fine with me, especially now that we have the Watchers here. We feel safer than ever.

Other times I feel that, even though I am loved, the people around me, save for the wolves who can't get enough of my cooking, don't really appreciate all that I do for them. I must admit that I often feel taken for granted; like I'm supposed to be there kind of like part of the furniture. I am Carlisle's wife and that's really it. What do I have to really contribute to this family other than being a chef to our oversized wolves? It's like everyone has someone but me; I'm not talking about mates. We are all finally paired off. I mean when it comes to best friends: Bella has Leah—which kind of makes Alice jealous and it's cute. Michelle and Nessie are inseparable. Kim and Rosalie have found a common ground with the whole fixing-of-cars thing. Amy and Corin are always together.

I have caught Rogue looking at me strangely a few times, but knowing that she's a mind reader, I'm sure she's figured all this out already. Sometimes, I just want to go for a walk and see if anyone, save for my husband, would even notice my absence. I think I'll save that experiment until Carlisle is back on his feet 100%. I don't want to be the careless wife who disappears just to prove a point when her husband needs her most. I will speak with Rogue first, though; I want her to know what is going on, if she hasn't figured it out and ask her to mask my thoughts so that no one will know what I'm thinking.

I'm serious about doing this experiment. Sometimes, my family has become so complacent that I fear I'm not a valuable part of the family. Who knows? Maybe I'll go visit the Denali's during my absence. They haven't heard the entire Ferguson story yet. I haven't traveled alone in such a long time. I wonder if I even have the nerve to do it. But I must, I have to show myself that I'm self-sufficient. This whole incident with Ferguson has shown me one thing: that tragedy can happen when you least expect it and you have to be able to fend for yourself.

I've always been protected by Carlisle, as he was the one who turned me, and Edward was already there. So I technically have never been on my own. As our family grew and expanded, I fell in love with every single one. I know in my heart of hearts that they love me too. The real question is: do they need me?  Bella, Rose, Alice, and now Leah, know how to cook. Rose and Nessie can crochet and most of the ladies can tend to the garden. I need to go on this journey of self-discovery.

Who am I really? Who have I become? Can I survive without my family if the worst thing imaginable happened?  I kind of understand the feeling of how human mothers feel when their children become teenagers and adults and no longer need them. I wonder how they deal with that? I imagine it's far easier with humans, as they have short life spans compared to us immortals, and these things perhaps motivate them to take up sports or some other hobbies. I think I'm worn out from all the hobbies.

This scary event with Ferguson made me really want......no......more like need  to reevaluate my life. It's not the money, the large houses, or the material things. I adore my family but I feel like I'm losing my sense of self. What do I contribute to this existence? In order to live a totally fulfilled immortal life and appreciate everything given to me fully, I must discover who I really am. I must understand whether my family really holds me in high regard or are they're just so used to Mother Esme that I'm just there for the sake of being there.

I'm not just a chauffeur. I'm not just the chef. I'm not just the wife of Carlisle the doctor, and I'm not just the mother, aunt and sister, or whatever story we are presenting at the time. But who am I? And I won't be satisfied, nor will I stop looking, until I figure out the answers to those questions.

I hear Carlisle and the boys returning; time to put my best game face on and go tend to my husband. I really hope this hunting trip made him strong again so he's back to his usual self. I firmly believe that this experiment will also strengthen the bond that Carlisle and I have. Complacency and lack of showing kindness towards others is deadly, even for immortals. As I walk downstairs, I see Rogue standing there. She is looking at me and only me and she nods softly. I nod back. Then I hear her voice in my head:

"Just tell me when you want to do it and where you see yourself going and we'll do this. I completely agree that this is something you need to do. We all have moments when we question ourselves and our own identity. It's a very important thing to know. And your family does need to figure out just how much you mean to them, which I suspect is a ton, but they need to learn how to show it. You're absolutely right that 'complacency and lack of showing kindness towards others is deadly, even for immortals'. So just give me a heads up and we'll set this up. In the meantime, I'll try to keep your thoughts covered as much from everyone as possible."

She then winks at me, greets Carlisle and the boys and walks on her merry way. They look at her then me with a strange gaze, shrug it off, then go into the living room. Carlisle greets me with a kiss and a hug and then proceeds to follow the others into the living room and sit on the couch. When he notices that I am still standing at the door and not following him, he pats the seat next to him. I sit down as he puts his arm around me.

"Is everything all right, sweetheart?" he asks as the others don't even bother looking our way.

I nod. "How was the hunting trip?" I ask nonchalantly.

"It went great. We think one more and I'll be totally healed. Plus I don't feel the tingling sensation in my arm or hand anymore, so that's a plus! Perhaps I can get back to work next week," he says with a big smile that melts my heart.

"That's wonderful, honey. It'll be good to get back to normal," I say.

I feel bad that I will have to cause him heartache over my absence but I do feel this is the only way and I know my thoughts are covered totally by Rogue when I start thinking about this. Besides, she'll be sort of shadowing me the whole time so I know if I get in trouble along the way, she's not too far behind. It's time to figure out who the real Esme is and whether she's needed by people around her other than Carlisle.

Wish me luck.

Sincerely yours,

Esme

~Carlisle Cullen