~You are, and always have been, my dream.~
-Nicholas Sparks-

There has been a flux amidst the constellation of breaths since the beginning of life. A vibration here and a ripple there. Every second, someone undergoes the accident of birth as the grasping claws of death claim a soul. There's not an equal ratio to the process and it further adds up to the chaos beheld by this system that's so unfair but is still the fairest of all. I, too, was a victim of this course for an accident of birth deliquesced Cara Evelyn's luminous identity into a cloud of mist and left her into the hands of Zayan Eilqar who seeped into her bones until he was a part of her soul and there came a time when she didn't have a soul at all. All she had was Zayan Eilqar breathing inside her.

It was one of those times when I found myself sitting right in front of his tender gaze in a vintage bookshop. Amidst the warm sunlight that slanted its way from the whispering curtains down to the vulnerable texture of his neck to kiss the books scattered on the wooden surface of the table between us, I peeked at his thoughtful visage and smiled at the way his forehead creased slightly as he scanned my face for something entirely unknown to me. A few hours ago, he had insisted to visit this bookshop in town that also served the purpose of a small library because he needed to buy some books but now, all he seemed to notice was my existence. Before I could question him about it, he tilted his neck slightly which was an indication that he was about to speak so I held my words back.

"Have you ever read Patrick Suskind's Perfume?" He raised up a book in his hands such as the cover of the book faced me. I barely glanced at it and shook my head in negation.

"Aah, why don't you read?" He seemed disappointed and I felt that my heart grew a bit heavy.

"I'm reading Looking for Alaska, no?" I searched his bright eyes for a trace of approval.

"Why, thankyou!" He opened his arms and smiled genuinely. I laughed because I knew that he was mocking me gently.

My laugh was cut short as his smile deepened and he rested his arms on the table in between us to bore his golden gaze in the blue crystals of my eyes. I cleared my throat and a blush found its way to my cheeks.

"How I wish to capture the scent of your soul, Cara Evelyn." His voice rolled around us like thick honey and I knew that my breath had lost its way somewhere in the chambers of my heart.

I could never comprehend the intensity of passion that floated between us. It was something very sacred and very deep like the fading footprints of the Sun when it's on the verge of drowning in the lap of a saturated horizon. It is always that slightest trace of time that is the shortest but is capable of capturing the entire universe in its awe. Such was this 'something' that was between us and I restrain from calling it 'love' because it was much more than that. It clicked for the shortest interval of time but it was so passionate that it left me struggling for air as it did at the moment.

'I have no words to describe what's between us.' I mouthed my thoughts unconsciously.

The gold in his eyes melted ever so lightly as his smile traipsed to a thoughtful expression that held a soft depth. He stretched his right arm towards me and held my left hand in the warm embrace of his own before showering me with wisdom.

"Back in our language, we have a beautiful word for this 'something'. You call it 'ishq'. Absolute, unceasing, unending altruistic love. Where the physical presence of the beloved is not a necessity because they reside inside yourself. Deep inside your soul. Until you feel that you are no more. All is the beloved." His smooth voice had me entrapped entirely in its magic but I couldn't say the same about his hand that was holding mine. It was trembling slightly from the power of the words that had just escaped his mouth. I pressed it tightly to keep it steady and though, I realized the strength of his words but my heart squeezed at the thought of ever losing his presence in my life.

"But your presence matters for me. It's a necessity like oxygen and I don't want to lose you ever. I have no 'ishq' for you. I love you. Absolutely, unceasingly, unendingly, altruistically. You reside deep inside my soul. But it's not 'ishq' because I can never bear to lose the sight of you, Zayan!" I could already feel salt water traipsing down my cheeks as I held on to his hand dearly as if it would dissappear otherwise. This was the first time that I had confessed it out aloud and yet, it was not because every word of mine had always held that confession somewhere inside it.

He didn't let go of my hand but he stood up and walked around the table to come and sit by my side on the wooden bench. Our intertwined hands came down to rest in my lap as his strong arm enclosed my shoulders in its safety. I hid my face in the nook of his collarbone and he rubbed my arm soothingly.

"You know what's wrong with us?" His voice flowed in the silver of my hair like water.

"What?" I could already feel my throat turning all raspy from crying.

"Neither of us is downright plain. Both of us are extremely complicated souls adorned with intricated patterns that ultimately lead to something very complex."

I peeked at his face while my cheek rested against his collar bone. "I don't mind the complications as long as I'm with you." Whispering audibly, I hugged him tighter.

"Ehm ehm!" We jumped up as a man cleared his throat behind us. Turning back together, we saw this old man in a blue check shirt looking at us politely. "Mind if I borrow this from you?" Slowly, he stepped forward and picked up an old book with a ballerina on its cover from the table in front of us. I cleared the tears on my cheeks quickly and smiled at him.

"Uh..sure! Yeah, sure. Help yourself, Sir." Zayan stood up. He was still holding my hand. I followed his lead sheepishly as he walked out of the bookshop hurriedly. I could see the tip of his ears had turned a light pink and I couldn't help smiling that he was so shy.

Out in the embrace of warmth that managed to escape the sunlight and caress our souls softly, I stretched my arms revelling in the feeling. Slowly, my body started spinning in loose loops and a laughter erupted from the pit of my stomach that made me forget I had been crying moments ago.

Laughing heartily, I was lost in the moment when his hand touched my spinning waist and held on to it steadying my movement until I flung my arms around his neck and rested my head on his chest, all the while chuckling softly. Slowly, I bent my head upwards to look into his honey eyes that returned my gaze with love. My back was towards the sun but it didn't matter because I could see the gold in the depth of his eyes. I saw it in them. Love. Love that he never confessed but always carried in his heart.

"You've always been like this. Like a Boolean variable." His index finger swiped away a silver lock from my right eye as he murmered while a smile played on his lips.

"Dare I ask what's a Boolean variable?" His eyes had a way of drawing me in and I felt hypnotized but I didn't want to break the contact so I pressed my hand against chest for support.

"Oh it's boring." He laughed quietly.

"What? This Boolean variable!?" I couldn't help passing him a shocked look.

"No. Elaborating it. But I'm gonna do it for you. So, this Boolean variable is just some variable that can only..hey, don't remove your hand..," he caught my hand that was going limp and placed it back on his chest, "..it feels good." Biting his lower lip, he smiled down at me and my breath hitched.

Unaware of the workings of my heart, he continued the explanation, "So, it's a variable that has only two possible values: true i.e 1 and false i.e 0. Something like yes or no. So when you smile, you go all yes and when you cry, you go all no. No in betweens. It's like a switch. You keep switching from tears to laughs and vice versa. You've always been like this. Stuck in extremes." By now we were swaying lightly to rhythm of his voice and a light breeze played with his hair and my floral dress simultaneously. I wondered if I was imagining the weather or was it really so pleasant outside.

"Don't you like it?" Hesitation was stopping me from asking the question but I felt like sweeping it aside for a moment so I just let my brain translate my thoughts into my voice.

"I love it. You're my Boolean variable." He ruffled the silver cloud above my head and let out a laugh carried off by the breeze before walking down the street. Instantly, I had been left on my own as if he had never held me in the first place. I didn't know if I should have felt good that he had called me a weird scientific element that belonged to him or should have cried for anticipating a kiss that was never coming.

~~~

Branches and leaves of the same old tree were dissecting the evening sky in various polygons above me and I laid there, my head resting on his thigh, wondering if this is what life is like? Not an assortment of different memories but a big whole dissected by various moments that cut through our soul and leave us in pieces until we can't take it anymore and die.

"What's this frown for?" His voice was gentle as it pulled me out of my reverie and I realized that his thumb was tracing my right eyebrow.

"I've got a scattered mind. Trust me." I shook off the question with a wave of my hand.

"How does it feel?" He smiled and looked down at me.

"Umm..," I grabbed his thumb in my palm and enclosed my fingers around it, "it's like rummaging through a closet with mixed up clothes of various colours from different places around the world."

"Aah seriously, Cara? I doubt that." Shaking his head, he enclosed my hand in the rest of his fingers, "It's might be like a gallery holding masterpieces by legendary artists or a library filled with scribblings of fabled writers but a closet filled with clothes? Nah. It's not that shallow. Don't fool me." He winked down at me and I realized that his face was blocking my view of the dissected sky above me.

I wasn't quite paying attention to his words as his eyes were the focus of my attention. I don't know why people called brown an ordinary colour when it came to eyes. To me, his eyes reflected the dying colour of champagne in the evening hues as sunlight faded away. "You know..I might be addicted to you." I whispered almost to myself.

"I can't seem to think of anyone other than you too." His hands cupped my face gently and I could see his face upside down as I laid down with my head on his thigh and he blocked the vision of a dissected sky above us.

My heart had stopped beating or I couldn't make sense of anything other than his gentle face. My entire life had been spent in his hands but whenever he touched me, I felt as if I'd come across him for the first time. My passion for him never faded away. I wondered why I was so obsessed with him even though we had been friends for whole of our lives.

"You know what is it, Cara?" His lips molded into a soft smile. I shook my head in negation and my silver hair ruffled against his jeans.

His eyes sparkled impossibly with happiness as he whispered, "It's the sunset," and bent down to kiss my forehead right when I realized that the Sun was in an embrace with the Earth too.

Author's Note

It's been so long that I had to read this whole book once again in order to pick up the thread that I'd left tangled almost a year ago? :')

It's not a good start. I was just trying my hand at it. I hope I'll do better in the next chapter now that I'm on my vacations. To all the people, who believed in me and kept holding on to me even though it took me so long to come back to 'Cara Evelyn', I love you all. It means a lot. :')❤

The song for this chapter is 'Addicted' by Morgan Page. I'm listening to it right now. Oh..and I'm watching 'Teen Wolf' these days. Anyone? 😍

How was this update? Cara is drunken on Zayan. No? But Zayan is not as clear as she is. I wonder what's going on in his mind. He keeps dropping off the intimacy now and then during their conversations. :/

So..have a good day everyone. Recommend this book to your friends. I plan to complete it. :)

Much love,
Hazel ❤