♪ Where are you now - FADED ♪

~I don't want to repeat my innocence. I want the pleasure of losing it again.~
-F. Scott Fitzgerald-

Sometimes, memories knock at my mind like someone treads in silence and places an old photo album on a rusted window sill; left to be seen and cherished. Pardon my scattered thoughts but I'm often drunk on this warm nostalgia that pours slowly in my heart and makes me melt into this silver molten glitter that paints the night sky and enlightens lost gazes and astray steps.

During these beautiful lapses, I blink slowly as a lovely smile plays on my lips for no matter how sad they make me, I've learned to smile through it all. I owe this eternal smile to Zayan Eilqar for it colours my tears everytime I explode into a shattering supernova in the middle of the night.

Those were melodies of ringing laughters.
Those were rays of twinkling smiles.
Those were embraces of warm hugs.
Those were bonds of strong friendships.
Those were epitomes of crazy ideas.
Those were moments of filtering sunlights.
Those were wanderlusts of long roadtrips.
Those were times of good books.
Those were sparkles of star-filled nights.
Those were days of...
.
.
.
first loves.

"Pssst. Cara!" Lying in my bed, my gaze was fixed on the swaying dream catcher that hung in his window as I waited for his perfect face to appear behind its rainbow colours when I heard his hushed voice. Instantly, I jumped out of my bed and looked out of the window as a soft breeze caressed my bare arms.

There he was, standing all alone on the soft ground as moonlight dripped slowly from the dark edges of astray hair locks gracing the span of his way too perfect forehead. Biting his lower lip sheepishly, he stuck his hands in the pockets of his jeans and shuffled the dirt under his converse shoes that he loved so much before looking up at me. That was it. I realised it took a fleeting moment to hand over one's heart to warm twinkling eyes that caffeinate bloods and stop heartbeats. A fleeting moment...to fall in love.

"What are you doing here?" I hissed at him while shaking my head to clear it off the drunken haze. My short silver hair ruffled smoothly on my head in process. He shrugged casually before weighing his reply for a split second and casting me an adorable glance that I wanted to capture in my dream jar forever.

"Come down." He ended up whispering the words I wanted to hear secretively. My heart soared high in the skies at his words as I stepped out on the window ledge and clung to the thick water pipe before making my way downwards. Normally, I wouldn't question him because I knew he would save me everytime. Obeying him had been an instict since...the very beginning.

I wished my room to be on the ground floor but Miss Anna knew the wild spirit living inside me so she gave me a room on the first floor. She wanted to keep me from sneaking out into the night but she didn't know that Zayan knew...everything. I chuckled quietly into the night air as his hands supported my waist and helped me land down on the ground beside him.

"I was missing you." He bit his lower lip once again and looked at me from behind the curtain of his thick eyelashes.

"Me too." My heart raced at his words as I replied to him and we both chuckled mischievously in the moonlit darkness until he placed a hand on my lips and hushed me. I frowned at him because his body was still shaking from the laughter. As he removed his hand, I stuck out a tongue at him, forcing him to shake his head which brought a smile to my lips.

"I wanted to show you something." He held my hand and started sneaking his way out onto the street. I followed him silently into the night air as we made our way towards an unknown future, hiding from the glistening street lamposts and clinging to the shadows.

Helping me to jump over the wooden fence, he pulled me into the territory of the park in front of our residences. Invading through the night melodies rung by the crickets hidden in the long grass that caressed my bare calves and his rough jeans, we stopped under the shade of the tallest tree; the one under which he had gifted me his dirt years ago.

I turned around to look at him and realised that I shouldn't have done it for the chocolate in his eyes shone in the moonlight and made me go insane. Awe-struck with his perfection, I thanked the darkness that saved my blush from being revealed.

"We're climbing up." He inched closer to me and whispered excitedly.

"What? But..I don't kno...," I gasped and started to protest but he cut my words in the middle.

"What am I here for?" His gentle voice hugged my heart and I passed him a genuine smile before nodding my head.

After half an hour of struggling and putting in effort, we finally made it up to the top of the tree. Resting myself on a strong branch, I laughed exhaustively as he sat across from me and joined me in my glee.

"I loved it!" I said in between the breathy chuckles.

"Look." He raised a finger to the sky and craned his neck to gaze above. I immitated his gesture and an audible gasp escaped my lips.

The huge sack of nocturnal canvas above our heads held a million stars in it. Adorning the night sky, they twinkled and glittered softly and for the first time in my life, I wondered if there was a star for every departed soul because they seemed so countless to me. Lost in the galaxies and milky ways sparkling behind the curtain of moonlight, my eyes spanned the sky and rested on the full moon hanging above our planet wonderfully and I nearly forgot the last time I had felt so much at peace.

"Cara...," His hand made its way to mine and pressed it softly. I shook myself out of my reverie and looked at him but then I realised that I had been wasting my time before. Zayan Eilqar was more beautiful than the moon.

"Someday..I'll take you on a roadtrip to the..sea." His voice lingered at the edge of a graceful decrescendo.

"Why to the sea?" I found it hard to bear his flawless perfection so I focused my gaze on the twinkle of the stars above us.

"Because it's the only thing..that connects the Earth and the air." His whisper was soft and it melted my insides to liquid chocolate.

"How's that?" Praying for my heart beat to slow down, I managed to let out my query.

"Tides have magic, Cara Evelyn. You'll see.." His voice sounded so close yet so far away.

"I'll love to go on a roadtrip to anywhere...," I held my breath and looked out towards the row of lamposts by the street before continuing, "...with you."

"You have my promise." His whisper rippled the serenity around us and God knew, I wanted it to create a chaos tonight.

"Is this a date?" I bit my lowerlip and looked down at my dangling legs.

"This roadtrip?" He spoke softly. I shook my head and looked at his face to get drunken on the ecstacy in the depth of his moonlit eyes.

"This night." I whispered.

"What do you want?" He pressed my hand ever so gently and I sucked in a gush of air.

"I want what you want." I craned my neck to drink in the sight of millions of departed souls watching over the two of us stuck on the top of the tallest tree in the town, from where we could see anything and nothing. It felt like we were on the top of a ferris wheel where everything and nothing felt right. Where there was no escape.

"This, Cara Evelyn, is the best stargazing date I'll ever have in my life." Right there, he poured rose water on my soul and showered me with pure magic.

"You'll not return, will you?" I bit my lip at the agony that clawed at my heart on the mere thought of it. He let out a soft sigh in response.

"I don't want to...but Asia waits for me." Drawing back his hand, he looked away and held a twig lightly between his fingers.

"I don't want you to go....Boo." A broken sob left my lips and I didn't realise I was crying.

"Ssshhh Cara. I won't. This Asian boy won't go back. Don't cry..hush. Here, look at me." He lifted my chin with the pull of his forefinger and I obeyed him....as always.

"I owe you sunsets. No?" A light smile lingered on his lips.

"I owe you myself, Zayan. Don't talk like this..." I leaned into him and he held me in a warm embrace under all the stars above the city.

"You owe me nothing. Nothing." Resting his cheek on top of my head, he whispered.

"You'll give me your dream catcher?" I smiled at the warmth of his arms.

"So that you fly away with it? I know you, Cara Evelyn. Some bird you are." He let out a husky chuckle and I thought how could something as simple as a chuckle could melt my heart?

"Beloved. Huh." I corrected him smoothly.

"You naughty girl!" He slapped my back lightly and we let out a hushed laughter into the night air. Enveloped by the light breeze, everything felt right.

"I'll leave it hanging by my window so that you remember me. The day you get that dream catcher, you forget me. I know. I don't want you to forget me..." His voice dipped into an ancient sadness and I gulped in the lump that had formed inside my throat.

"I won't ever forget you, Zayan. We don't forget our souls." I hugged him tightly and assured him.

"I don't believe in dream catchers." He whispered.

"Me too." Nodding my head against his chest, I approved.

"But I do believe in memories." Slowly, his fingers caressed my silver locks and I felt like being lulled to sleep.

"You sound like me." I smiled.

"Because you live in me. We have memories with that dream catcher. Something that no one understands except the two of us. I can't hand it over to you, you know why?" The warmth of his arms felt so comforting, I wanted the time to stop right there, right then.

"Why?" I shifted myself to look into the galaxies reflecting in his magical eyes.

"This wildness that paints the oceans in your eyes...." He raised his hands to my face and caressed the fragile hollows under my eyes with his thumb pads before smiling lightly, "...haunts my dreams and there are moments, when I start believing in dream catchers. I need it for moments like those." Drawing invisible circles on my cheeks, his eyes glittered impossibly.

"Are you afraid?" I whispered.

"I am...," He spoke gently.

"Why?" I bit on my lower lip and held his hands in mine.

"Because you are a bird. You are air. I can't ground you for long. This dream catcher is my only hope." It wasn't until that moment that I realised my wild spirit was a danger...to us.

"I'll hold on to you." I promised but my voice sounded hollow.

"That's why I'll take you on a roadtrip to the....sea. I want you to see for yourself that there are possibilities. To know that you can hold on..," And it was the first time I realised that he'll keep me yearning for more. He'll leave me hollow. To make me stay.

And it was also the first time when I feared myself for I believed, he knew me better than myself.

"What about your parents? Sarah loves me, but they?" I didn't realise when the question left my mouth but I regretted it instantly.

"They can never cut off our friendship." The word "friendship" bit at my heart. Zayan Eilqar will always paint distances between us. He'll never say 'love' because he wanted to keep my wandering soul occupied. He wanted me to stay.

Never in my life, I had felt someone suffer so much to hear the word love as I suffered that night.

"It's been a long night. Let's go." He looked out towards the horizon and I could see his deep eyes detect a ray of light struggling to make its place in the darkness.

"The longest of my life." I smiled quietly.

"The longest of our lives." His gaze penetrated right through my soul and I realised he hated the word 'my' when it came to 'us'.

Trotting back towards the hidden alley between our windows, we remained silent. Stopping under our windows, we were captured into the embrace of that fleeting moment where two souls get lost in each other's existence and fear their destinies. Slowly, I turned around to climb back to my room when his whisper grounded my steps like it always did. Lipsing my name so beautifully, he pronounced it in its true essence. Stopping midway, I turned around as my gaze met the longing in his sleep drunken eyes.

"Never forget to say goodnight." His voice rolled in a deep slur and I wished I hadn't forgotten to wish him goodnight.

"Goodnight." I smiled slowly and held my earlobe between my thumb and forefinger in a gesture of apology. He shook his head as if it was okay to forget things.

Slowly, very slowly, he stepped closer until I could feel his cool breath fan my face. I closed my eyes for my toes curled in the anticipation of the prevailing intimacy of that moment between us.

In the lightest of whispers, he graced my heart with the words that never made me forget wishing goodnight after that.

"Who knows if we wake up tomorrow? Goodnights are necessary like oxygen. Goodnight. Don't let the bed bugs bite..."

Author's Note

I don't know if I'm doing it right. I'm just following my instict. My instict adores Zayan more than anyone in this entire book and slowly, I'll show you why... :'(

How was this update? Now you understand where her words came from when she talked to Aaron? :'(

Don't forget to vote and comment. :') And please leave your honest reviews. I'll be honored. :')

Much Love xX
Hazel. *-*