Warning: strong opinions about sexual assault in writing and a severe overusage of sass and sarcasm. This is the longest review I've written yet (7k) so hang onto your hats it's gonna be a long ride. 

Honestly, after reading your reasons for critique it made me feel a bit better because...yes, I am about to shred this thing to pieces. You were correct to describe your story as such cuz oh boi was this a rant and a half. There is promise but 99% of what you described it as is absolutely spot on and that is not a good thing.

Enjoy!

Cap'n

P.S. Payment is commenting on the Prologue and first FOUR chapters of the Night Rider. Do NOT skip Prologue (yes it counts) and do NOT count the Preface as your quota but it needs to be read to understand the story. I will know.

Title: Next of Queens

Number of chapters read: 5 (not out of choice but necessity to find out how bad it got)

Initial Thoughts: I have absolutely no idea. First thing I thought of was Next the clothes shop and maybe it was gonna be some kind of fashion type thing but then the Queen bit makes me think of the usual 'sibling rivalry' wants the monarchy or else type trope so..utterly no clue.

Author: spinthenight

Initial Thoughts: Love the username. So fancy.

Genre: Dark Fantasy

Initial Thoughts: Promising. Although a tad nervous about chapter 3. I'm not good with triggering content but I'll wait to see how far I get.

Summary: Right. Two characters, one did something bad and the other wants revenge while one gets picked by a god to be queen and the other...wants to be queen because why not or is that the character who wants revenge? Well, two blurbs aside they are both equally as confusing. Simplify and make your point otherwise I ain't got a clue.

First Impressions: OK...why are there two blurbs? Chapter Zero is more of a teaser than a blurb so calling it a chapter is kinda like calling a trailer a movie. Try calling it an Excerpt, Glossary or a Preface. Serves the purpose you want without people expecting a full chapter. 

I like the tribe details and inspiration stuff but it's really overshadowed by the two complex blurbs that...you only need one of. Or combine elements of both. So what I'm gonna do is focus on the main bit you added with the cover and then cover the problems with Chapter Zero at the end.

Main Blurb:

Overall, it is nice to see a decently put together blurb instead of the usual 'you'll have to read it to find out.' Eurgh. Hate those. Blurbs are hard so nice job giving it a go. 

But as someone who also has two main characters fitting in both backstory, plot AND all the other fiddly details needed in half the time for twice as many MC's is a struggle to follow along. You probably love writing about both your MC's but trying to have a reader connect to more than one character in a single paragraph AND the world is too much to pack in. 

I'd suggest picking your favourite one (or in my case get your friends to vote) or choose the one who drives the story the most until two character's plotlines come together. It would free things up and give you more space to sell your story to people and make it less wordy and easier to connect with. 

In my opinion, pick Imani. She (I think?) seems like the simpler option and with all the different naming conventions you have going on I think sticking to one 'she' is a lot better in the long run. It might also help to give this 'god' a name to limit the he/she mixup over which character is which.

Chapter Zero: Now, this is where we get to the added confusion. Let's start with that sentence with Imani. 

'Imani is chosen by a god to fight his centuries old rival.'

Who is he? Imani or the god? Is it Imani's rival or this random god? Is this why Imani was chosen and if so, why should we follow him/her/they? 

If she succeeds he will make her queen and her name renown.

OK so Imani is a she? Is she? Who does that make 'he' then: the random god? The best friend who did something we can't know about? 

Initial Reactions: Do you see how being too vague adds to the confusion? The mystery behind this world and this god can come later. Give this god a name. Give this god a purpose. Give Imani a clear reason to be queen. Give Kuhë a reason to be queen. Heck, I don't even know what gender Kuhë is, start with that. 

Then you can do the carrot and stick routine. What your blurb is trying to do is give people a reason to read. How can we read if we don't have a reason why these characters are the way they are? Don't hide the conflict before it's begun. Put it out there and let us want to find out about what happened and why. 

Then, hide the later mysteries once you've presented the initial hook: what Kuhë did to Imani and how is it going to change them? Then sprinkle in the god and queen stuff as much as you like. Heck even that strange 'third choice is death.' But you need a foundation before you add to it.

Cover: *oooh* Shiny.

First Impressions: Finally. A cover that is NOT a copy/paste app attempt. I like the elements of the two main characters on opposite sides but I'm not sure what the flamey thing is in the middle and the dusty brown colour is not really giving me Dark Fantasy vibes. It makes it hard to see the text too.

I'd probably tweak it a little to crop the two MC's into the main view and have the text OVER it? Because that silhouette stuff at the bottom with the text is wasted with all the flashy stuff above it. Maybe incorporate the silhouettes of the characters with the lower border and the text and get rid of the sword? Dunno but that's just me. It serves its purpose for right now which is grand.

CHAPTER 1: 

Initial Thoughts: The tense changes. The character POV's! Argh! It's written so nicely but why does it read like two points of view at once! -_-

Readability: It's nice but...really, really distracting. One paragraph makes it sound like Ahja Youba is the focus, the next is Kuhë and then it switches to what reads like third person to a strange amalgamation of both and wrapping my head around it is...difficult. 

I don't know whether you're trying to do a mix of third person or omni third but it's a shame because a lot of work has gone into it and I can see that from the structure and layout. It just reads like you're trying to compensate for Yuhë's introduction by padding it out instead of letting it do the work for you. You need to focus on one thing. The introduction to your main character.

Descriptions: 

I like them, really. But they are bogged down by how you word them and more importantly where you place them. To give an example, you have two simple lines of dialogue with two quite lengthy paragraphs shoved in between before anyone else says a word.

Those paragraphs talk about: Yuhë being too old for stories but loving them anyways, how Ahja Youba is a tailor of words, how Yuhë listened to her as a child and is now twenty one but she is still hiding behind a hut to listen anyways.

Two paragraphs in place of what could easily be done in less than a few sentences. You shouldn't have to explain why Yuhë is too old for stories or how Ahja Youba constructs stories when we've only been given one line of dialogue to prove that. Let the dialogue do that for you.

E.g. "Ahja, tell us a story!"

A smile grew on Kuhë's face, suddenly ashamed she had to hide behind a hut to listen to her favourite stories.

'And what story would you like to hear tonight my dear?'

Kuhë had to stop herself from calling out, the children screaming out titles in insistence. She couldn't help but long to be that young again, begging for Ahja Youba's stories instead of a place to sleep for the night.

See the difference? Your descriptions work but only in the right places. A lot of the initial confusion I had with the chapter is due to you slotting in description wherever you wanted instead of where it was necessary. You don't need to copy this style exactly but you need to think about paring down the details to suit what's needed.

Pacing:

It drags. A lot. Not just the details but the story itself being told. It's the irregularity of the dialogue with the description: how large chunks of the story being told are shoved into dialogues as long as your first two descriptive paragraphs and we're expected to follow along.

It starts off well with the farmer heading off to the spirit world (why doesn't the farmer have a name?) but it's a long time before we get there with all the little details that once Ahja Youba tells the story it just...why stick around til the end if it's chock full of details again? It's so much to remember and focus on that the ending is just...what just happened? People have short memories so keep it to only a line or two of seperating dialogue when telling a story.

Things like Yuhë having barely eaten or her playing with a stick while she waited are nice but it also drags the pacing down to waiting alongside her just for the dialogue to start up again. I don't want to know about Yuhë I want the damn story Ahja Youba's telling to start.

Yet as soon as we reach the bit about the farmer's sister (why doesn't she have a name?) it's overrun with very specific details we have to remember about a story we haven't been told before. 

I tried to remember everything about the beads on the right hand and the bit where the sister wants her sister back (isn't it her brother who died?) by using a calabash (what's that?) after going to a random diviner...phew. We get details on how Ahja Youba would tell the story. Not shown. Told. By Yuhë.

Surely, the best place to put that would be in between the parts where Ahja Youba tells the story? Maybe Yuhë sees her through the cracks in the hut, the shadows on the wall: something, anything. Leaving it halfway through the demon story being told stops us from hearing it too. It tanks the pacing and by the end of the whole thing I just really wanted to take a nap and completely forgot the ending. 

I'm guessing it's supposed to end up being a parable or foreshadowing of Yuhë and Imani's story but...for something so important it was incredibly hard to keep wanting to read. Either make it the focus or make the characters the focus cuz right now neither fully works for me.

Characters: 

Not much to say, really. Ahja Youba is a storyteller. Yuhë is the one listening to the story although she spends more time playing with a stick and worrying about food or bed or how she should be having children of her own at twenty one which...y'know, relatable but still. 

If she's there for the story instead of hiding behind a hut for no reason you kinda need her to be more...engaged in it? Maybe she's trying to mimic Ahja Youba in how she tells the story and retells some of it aloud? Maybe she gets in trouble before the end of the story so we don't know what happens? 

I dunno but give her some personality cuz other than your standard teen/old lady insert character I got no reason to like or dislike her. The trickster demon sounded more interesting and they were only named twice.

World: 

Poor country. With huts and very little food. And stories. About demons. Without your Glossary there's not much to the world other than the usual misguided views on women and what I'm guessing is a group of settlers or something? Don't know but you can always add to the world later.

Plot: 

So, we listen to a long story alongside Yuhë only for her to notice a randomer grab her from behind and...kidnap her? I know it's probably Imani cuz why else would you introduce a randomer but still. I didn't really care by the end anyways cuz the semi cliffhanger kinda made it fall flat since it was literally the only thing that happened. 

I want to see Yuhë being told she can't listen to the stories but does so anyways, I want to see what kind of life she normally lives and how she's willing to risk everything to listen to Ahja Youba's stories. I want to see how Ahja Youba treats her and talks to her compared to the other children. 

I want something other than a 'let's tell a story' intro. Maybe she's playing a game to do with the story or singing a song? Maybe certain stories are banned or are too scary for young children and surely Yuhë has a role to play in the tribe? Maybe we see how good or not so good she is at it and what she wants to do instead? There needs to be a sense of life not just a story suggesting there is. 

CHAPTER 2

Initial Thoughts: 

Called it.

Readability:

The first half has a bit too much explaiming with regards to details that really should be in the first chapter. Things like clothes and what they do for a job should be shown in the beginning if it is important and the name drops of the drunk guy stalking her for a week and Ahje Zuyei 'punishing her' feels far more important than giving it a simple throwaway line.

When you add a lot of name drops without any context its not only super easy to forget but the character development for both the main characters and the antagonists go out the damn window. Give it a chapter or two to develop alongside the two girls so we get a sense of who all of them are.

Second half is a lot easier to read. Far less description and the relationship between the two is good. But...I can't help but think this would work better if we had a proper introduction for Kuhë before Imani's as a better contrast instead of a story. 

Chapter 1 isn't Yuhë's introduction. It's about the demons story and Ahja Youba moreso than Yuhë herself eventhough you explain about her lifestyle we don't get to see any of it before Imani comes into the picture. Show us what she is like, tell us what she thinks.

Descriptions: 

Far less than before. Now there is dialogue but you still start off with a lot of over explaining in details that should be shown and not just told in passing. For example, things about dying clothes and Yuhë being an orphan and being mistreated by other people shouldn't be a passing mention. 

I think your first chapter would give us more insight into who Yuhë is if we see her dealing with the drunkard she's been avoiding all week or even Imani's mother who hates her but we never see the relationships. Use the details like her desperation for hunger and a warm bed to develop not only her character but the world as well.

Also, how does her having a mark on her hand relate to her becoming queen? I get defeating the evil demon guy but this reads like an isekai convenience plot more than anything else. Might need a bit more elaborating on.

Pacing: 

Better but it still drags a lot at the start. Once the motivation that Imani provides is underway it gets better and gives us a reason to read on but I feel like you would need a chapter dedicated to Yuhë to show her lifestyle in comparison to Imani. It goes on a little too long for me and although the cliffhanger works for me this time it's cheapened by the previous one used in chapter one. 

I'd split this chapter in half just so we get to know the different gods and goddesses along with the world and the characters and introduce Imani at the end without the cliffhanger. Then bring in her conflict and motivation to leave the village we've gotten to know.

Characters: 

The first introduction to Imani is good but is also a lot to take in alongside the added worldbuilding. I like the contrast of how naive Imani is compared to Yuhë's more cynical outlook on life but you can tell how close they are even without context. 

Yuhë clearly idolises Imani's lifestyle and feels like she's wasting it to leave it all behind while Imani's unwaverable belief in the goddess Aina to become queen gives me a tad greedy vibes so...not a good look for a potential queen but it gives her a flaw which is good.

Yuhë's needs a lot more work though. The personality she has is flat and not very likable considering all we get is a lot of angst about her orphaned life compared to Imani's fancier one. She needs a few more admirable traits despite her cynism.

Give us a reason to cheer her on instead of the woe is me details and we're forced to sympathise with her. I want to make my own mind up about her. I want to see Yuhë being locked up and I want to see why. If she runs away I want to say good on her for doing so or berate her myself for her dumb choices. Right now, Yuhë is a blank slate and I need to see what she cares about other than Imani so I can care about her.

World:

The world building in this chapter was a little better but considering how important Aina's mark is and how her name isn't included in the story as being the diviner from the start: naming characters as the daughter or the sister without a proper name is not the way to go. 

The whole focus of that story in the previous chapter is Aina and the demon guy who gets two mentions and the story is interrupted before we even get to why Aina is involved in the first place. It misses the mark with who they are and why they matter.

Why is he important as a trickster demon? Why is godess Aina important to Imani and why does Yuhë not believe in her? Is that why literally everyone besides Imani hates her? Why does being given Aina's mark make Imani fit to be queen when we've literally only just met her and have no idea how that makes her a canditate for royalty?

Alll of these questions need to have clear setup and eventual answers instead of giving us vague and confusing hints and details into stuff I don't even care about because I don't even know the basics of these two and this world. Also, throwing in that Yuhë is an orphan instead of seeing that is just the freaking icing on the frustrating cake of vagueness.

Plot: 

With the addition of Imani there's improvement here because she has clearer goals than Yuhë does because the previous chapter is a story and not a focus on what Yuhë wants. She has no goals and because of that Yuhë's character stays the same until Imani provides the conflict of her leaving which means she finally cares about something. But on her own, Yuhë is still a problem.

Her wanting to leave shows Imani's impulsiveness but because we don't get the full story behind the godess Aina we don't understand why its so important to Imani and it feels rushed. But compared to Yuhë it's at least something.

All of her potential plot is given a line or two and nothing more and despite her need to brush it off we the audience need to see it because it shows us what kind of person Yuhë is so we can guess at what is to happen. The cliffhanger helps that along and I want to find out how they run away.

CHAPTER 3

Initial Thoughts: 

….Why? Why was this needed and where the heck did this plot come from over the run away plot you had planned in the cliffhanger?

Readability: 

Creep alert. Utter creep. Barely got through it all. I'd might understand a bit more if it was set up and was something Yuhë had to overcome but it's not and it doesn't serve a purpose to the story or the character. 

Even the limited amount of character development Yuhë got until now cheapens the fact it feels like it was only used to get us to this scene and sympathise with her and show how all guys in this damn book are jerks. 

Neither of those reasons are OK and it really throws dirt in how much time you spent developing Yuhë and Imani's characters in the previous chapter for their arguement to only serve as repetitive padding for the assault and...no. Just no.

Descriptions: 

Explaining character development doesn't equal a character, it lessens it. We already knew what kind of relationship Imani and Yuhë had from Chapter 2 and it's entire conversation. We didn't need an entire three paragraphs on why Yuhë felt this way because it was already subtext.

It's just uneeded description compared to the fact we got one LINE for this scumbag and suddenly he's in the chapter and then he's dead all to serve a purpose for the plot. I hate it and I hate that it's a thing. 

If he is a character that matters then he needs more than just being a disgusting asshole who tries to rape a main character. If he isn't then is this scene even needed? We got more development for Yuhë in her entire conversation with Imani than we did with this fuckers ENTIRE character. 

Pacing: 

All over the place. It lengthens to unimaginable lengths when talking about events we already know and lessens the impact of the previous cliffhanger by tenfold. We knew Imani was reckless and didn't think things through and we knew Yuhë's thoughts already so everything from having another, repetitive argument that ends with Yuhë being patronising as fuck to her explaining how she already felt was just unecessary. Even when they started talking I didn't notice it because that wafty rain scene at the start bored me to freaking tears.

The break in the chapter with the eventual arrival of Wanan just treats what was supposed to be an actual chapter feel like padding for Yuhë's assault which is NOT OK for a plot. The setup for this is two lines about being hurt by two men previously and we're supposed to take that as setup? Nah. No way.

Characters: 

Yuhë doesn't want Imani to go so what is she going to do to stop it? Nothing. It adds nothing to who she is which is still...nothing as of three chapters. That is the plot you put aside not a random character stalking her or another guy locking her up and punishing her for no reason who both got barely a mention in chapter 2 but one is now relevant.

The point of using the cliffhanger is to highlight the main point of this chapter but it is not about Imani and Yuhë leaving. Waban is first described as having a predatory smile. If that isn't the intent of using him as only a plot device I don't know what is. 

The cliffhanger is meaningless because Yuhë wanting her friend to stay is irrelevant as soon as he comes along. He lasts less than half a chapter and has little to no purpose other than making Yuhë look less of a badly developed character because of his henious actions.

World: 

A lot of Yuhë's daily life is randomly added here which should already have been established from the start as a comparison to Imani's daily life. I don't know why Imani doesn't hunt or why Yuhë harvests leftovers away from the village but I know you mentioned Imani dyes and makes clothes but we don't understand why Yuhë can't do that with her. We also don't see Imani work at all so what does she do all day that makes her want to leave the village so badly? These details build character so having them actively do these things more than once builds a picture of who they are and what this world is like.

Plot:

 Based on my understanding of the previous blurb I'm struggling to find what part of this is unforgivable for Imani's sake. Yes, Yuhë murdered a guy in self defense cuz he assaulted her but he isn't developed at all bar a single line describing him as a drunkard. He isn't important to her. He's got no character whatsoever but the blurb makes this out to be the catalyst for everything? Nah.

If I'm mistaken and this isn't the catalyst for Imani's revenge and Yuhë becoming queen then...why is this here? You had a great setup with them running away and now? Gone. Does it even matter now? This chapter reads like it's being used for shock value and nothing more, which is a real shame when you had such a strong chapter 2 compared to the rest.

CHAPTER 4

Initial Thoughts: You go from a rape and murder scene to her eating meat like nothing happened. Biggest whiplash ever.

Readability: 

The elephant march of this chapter unravells as the plot device of the assault turned murder is extended to mammoth proportions while Yuhë is rendered to exactly the same premise.

We get over five paragraphs of the evilness of murder and absolutely nothing mentioned towards Yaban's intentions to the point where it dragged so much I didn't even realise they left the village. The ending of the chapter pretty much sums up the entirety of what I just read: inserts random scenes here.

Descriptions: 

The murder is at the forefront here which is fine but its placed in really strange parts of the chapter at the very beginning and again at the end so the middle is glossed over eventhough them leaving has been built up for over two chapters. It makes the format of the chapter seem uneven and its hard to follow.

I don't understand why Yuhë lied to Imani about accidentally killing Waban and considering neither of them interacted until now surely Yuhë would mean a lot more to her than him and she'd at least hear her out? Yeah, there was a very brief mention about Imani declining a proposal to the chief's first son but not only did she say no but Waban was never mentioned once.

Yuhë saying he 'almost' raped her is just...no. I know she's in denial but either its a legitemant graphic scene or its not and it should be ditched. Your call. I hate everything about it but you use it how you want.

Pacing: 

Just like Yuhë's insistence to leave the dialogue speeds by while everything else is a trawl to get though. If you dedicated an entire chapter to the exchange between the two instead of solely having Yuhë's thoughts on murder maybe them leaving would be less of a blink and you miss it scene.

Initially, the death would linger on Yuhë's mind along with the guilt but the chapter starts with some really strange descriptions of meat instead of...I dunno the dead body in front of her? Skipping the process for food was a bad call as it removes any sense of humanity from what happened and acts as an excuse just to see Imani and use her to leave the village to avoid what she had done.

Characters: 

Yuhë and Imani's relationship has turned into a toxic friendship of Yuhë only tagging along to avoid being convicted of murder and Imani only wanting to go on this journey just cuz she got a cool new tattoo. It's not cool. It's a fucking bush.

Yuhë decides to look like a psycho and eat jerky instead of doing anything productive and telling her so called best friend who has now devolved into a child. Apparently, she is OLDER than Yuhë somehow at 22 yet clearly has less brain cells than a puppy and honestly that's an insult to puppies. 

Then again, I never held out hope for Yuhë either considering how much remorse she showed to a literal scumbag but not her dumbass of a best friend. Imani doesn't question anything even at the clear mention of blood on Yuhë's skirt and a shitty 180 degree mood turn to go with her and bribe her with meat like a dog.

No one is trying to be understanding of each others situation or communicate but they use the other for their own gain which if they were shitty people from the beginning I wouldn't have minded so much but they aren't! 

Yuhë's only familiar tether in this trainwreck is Imani and now because of dumb circumstances she's turned Imani into a non developed character who's only goal is to not leave by herself because who the fuck knows why while Yuhë's being hung out to dry and having plot device Wanan do all the work for her. 

No wonder Imani ends up hating Yuhē for being such an umderdeveloped waste of space that not even utilising murder as a plot device will make her look good. Seriously, using a literal rapist as fodder to make Yuhë 'look good' is not a good idea and the fact Wanan is looking remotely better than Dumb and Complete and Utter Dumbass over there is not a compliment. 

If this village hates Yuhë then why stay for so long? Is Imani that stupid or self centred to see that she hates it here and only stays for her? Or does she just ignore it and do nothing? Either way, she's either freaking ignorant or so up her own ass nothing she says or does is believable anymore. Nothing either of these characters do or say is believable anymore.

World: 

It reads like a lot was left out or made convenient for plot sake. No one saw Waban leaving the fields or actively looks for him yet he is the chiefs son and no one saw the bloody weapon Yuhë used or her being assaulted in the first place. Her whereabouts along with Waban's should've been questioned more.

It was easier to remember Aina and the godess this time around since they were used in a more everyday setting but because both Yuhë's and Imani's role in not only the camp but in Aina's legend isn't clear it is hard to see why they and the story matter. Especially if the ending was cut out and Aina was never mentioned.

Plot: 

Imani's reasons for being against Yuhë are gonna seem really awful and petty for something that is implied in the blurb as being a big betrayal on her part. Yuhë's motivations to be queen read like it will be based on Wanan alone and it's kinda….shitty and the blurb now reads as misleading if this random guy ends up fuelling everything for them. Imani is getting betrayal not only for a guy we never saw her meet or care about...but he also raped her best friend? Logic? Zero.

Yuhë will want to be queen all because Wanan is a shitty character and yes, it's a horrible thing to go through but I think her character represents more than that even if she had no personality she had a chance to grow and change. Now that growth will always be based on what Wanan did to her and how she killed him not on her improving or choosing her goals as a human being. 

Yuhë lies about murdering him and I have no clue why other than survival but no body is conveniently found and no one knows or asks about this guy despite being important. We go through a whole spheal about her conflicting emotions that lasts half the damn chapter which is not about her being raped but the accidental murder.

All because the guy she killed is a one note character that I don't even remember the name of and none of it resonates. At all. This guy was a jerk and his only personality was being a jerk so if the later conflict between the two girls is gonna be based on that entire event it's a real kick in the teeth for any kind of motivation built up so far.

This guy was only written to be shitty to Yuhë and even if it was meant to be morally grey the constant self deprecation of Yuhë's self worth compared to his is just deplorable. Even if he had some connection to Imani I wouldn't have cared because of how evil he was written and how flat Yuhë is about everything.

It makes me hate both the characters and here I thought Yuhë was gonna force herself onto Imani which might've actually given us some actual important subject matter about consent but no! It's some drunk important guy! Right now, the only thing I can say is...I'm disappointed. Only reason I'm reading on is cuz you updated and I may as well finish the full job.

CHAPTER 5

Initial Thoughts: Some trippy ass shit which cements Yuhë as the main character while Imani has a beheading to look forward to.

Readability: 

Weird. Really weird. More moping about murder and both characters were about as enthusiastic as asking for directions as an Irish man willing to give any. Imani is getting on my freaking nerves and Yuhë is no better.

Descriptions: 

For someone who has been not only been able to hide Aina's mark from an entire village but said village members can conveniently forget hearing Yuhë call her Aina's chosen….why can't she hide it from passing strangers trying to kill her? Has she never heard of gloves or perhaps a sleeve? It's a strange detail to include when discussing people trying to kill her.

Pacing: 

Similar problems as before. The random breaks make the description become lengthened out unecessarily or only given two lines of development to the point where it twists into some kind of fever dream that I would like to wake up from now.

I swear if I hear Imani complain one time I'll find a machete and behead 'Aina's chosen myself. Oh look, there's Yuhë dragging the plot behind her too...how nice. The purpose of this chapter doesn't really seem clear because of how casual they talk about beheading and how the rest of the time is spent bickering about the same thing over and over again.

Characters: 

Imani being useless and whiny at least makes Yuhë look less useless but 5 chapters in and we still have a boring, mopey teen and have no idea what kind of person she is like other than 'boo hoo, I'm an orphan.' Who can actually ask for directions.

Honestly, you need to give them both some urgency to leave and a legit motivation. Maybe Imani wants to get away from her parents while Yuhë wants to find hers? Maybe they are cast out for being boring and go on a journey of self discovery and be jerky saleswomen?

Who knows but right now, the old man is the only thing interesting here. He seems a tad too keen on the prospect of beheading but after meeting Imani in this chapter I don't bloody blame him.

World: 

Exists. Nice little language and name drops but a temple and a dirt road has never been very exciting. Imani's parents get name dropped again but considering we never see them or their relationship to their daughter it's kind of redundant. 

Would've been nice to see them and provide some character development for both Yuhë and Imani to see how they are treated differently. Doesn't have to be in this scene but even before the journey it would've been nice to see they exist.

Plot: 

Chapter 5 is...OK. It's not good, not bad but OK. Once again plot device Wanan is being used all over the place to force character development for Yuhë instead of herself actually doing anything. 

Whatever Aina was doing in that weird ass dream has now probably cemented Yuhë as the official main character because she's still as dull as a brick. Which probably means that greed I sensed from Imani earlier is gonna bite her in the ass and turn her into a villain. Great. Just what we need a self centred, naive revenge plot based on 'some guy' instead of actual friendship being warped by greed and ideals. Wonderful.

Overall Thoughts:

After reading Chapter 2 I could see a promising story that was about to go in a direction that is interesting and I wanted to see how they ran away. But Chapter 3 onwards feels like the momentum you had with these two characters sank the minute you included the rape/murder scene. 

It reads like you didn't know where to go with it so you added something spicy to the mix and hoped it stuck and then remembered halfway through that they were supposed to leave. That might not be the case but it does read like that to me and that's a shame. 

Maybe it could work if you developed this chief's son into a guy people can vouch for who devolves into more of a villain through questionable choices but even then, the main conflict in the blurb still sets these girls' later motivations squarely on this scene alone which...is dubious to me.

It backtracks all that setup and the Chapter 4 and 5 scenes kind of reverts the two girls from friends to acquaintances who are stuck together which doesn't help the relationship at all. When the relationship between two characters is the only thing holding it together you need to make sure that decline into revenge is both gradual, valid and visible.

Not based on a single line and devolved into a commentary about which is worse: rape or murder? Yuhë questioning that shouldn't have been a thing and it's horrendous to even have to read about that. I understand why it's her thought process but it's an uncomfortable read nonetheless and really devalues all that work you put in up until now.

Improvements:

The only reason I kept reading was because of how Imani and Yuhë interacted in Chapter 2 but now it just reads like both of them doesn't care about anything but themselves which..is boring and annoying as hell.

Yuhë is so dull despite explaining how truamatising everything is we don't see an ounce of change between who she is before and after murdering a guy which is...concerning. Imani is so damn naive I just want her to wake up and stop being so self centred for five freaking seconds.

Give her a reason to leave other than 'oh look at me aren't I the best Aina's chosen eventhough I do absolutely nothing all day but I sooo deserve it?' She had a relationship with Yuhë and Yuhë with her so where the fuck did that go to turn into revenge?

Honestly? I'd redo everything except chapter 2. I'd spend the time developing the characters in a likable but flawed way, keep Imani as naive and Yuhë as cynical but hell give me something to like about them and keep the damn conflict between the two of them going. 

Don't include a random guy from a throwaway line: the main characters are the driving force here. Wanan does not matter especially if you literally describe him as 'the second son of the chief.' He does not matter. The two girls do. Focus on them.

The world needs a bit of time to develop alongside the characters and I think if you start out with the introduction of Yuhë and tweak that chapter 2 a bit you'll have a good foundation. Then, you need to decide what you want to do about this big revenge plot and please, for the love of potatoes cut down on using cliffhangers to finish every chapter.

I can see using Ahja Youba's potential murder as a catalyst since everyone seemingly loves her including Yuhë and her accidentally killing her would provide some weight because she'll actually care. Wanan's only purpose in the story is to die but other than Yuhë using Imani to further her own goals or vice versa? I'm not sure where you want to take this story anymore and after Wanan's permanent fixture on this story I don't think I want to find out.