16 December 2019

Park Residence

I had been listening to DRIP by Hinapia, watching snowflakes flurry to the ground as I waited for Jun. Eomma was in the Reading Room, where the two of us would sit, shortly. He knocked on the door, the howling winds drowning the sound of flesh and bone on wood. I let him defrost in front of the heater before leading him inside.

"I thought it best to see Junghunny after her post on Instagram," the vampire said after bowing to my mother.

"I have to live even for the people who are left behind. I have to live. I have to try living. Even if my lungs are being squeezed, I have to try breathing. I have to live. I have to try living. It's okay, Junghyun, it's okay". No doubt, he would start calling me every day now and might try to heal me if I chose to stop living.

"Perhaps, it would be best if my daughter explained," curls of steam drifted from the three cups of coffee that she had poured.

"First of all, you should know that there is a gambling ring that wager bets on who the winners of MAMA are," his eyebrow rose cynically. "I know, I know: MNet's ability to rig the votes and make up outlandish titles each year is like shooting glass bottles but there is a market, nonetheless." Our guest remained silent, knowing I'd get to the point in due time.

"After getting the answers he wanted, the client asked for a further reading on which idols would get the 'viral pneumonia' that has presented itself in Wuhan," my lips pursed, as I was getting to the relevant part. "The cards were foggy at the time but last week, we got the answer. There is something foreboding in the future."

"Nine of Cups, reversed: lack of inner joy and dissatisfaction. Three of Swords: you will suffer from heartbreak and grief. I'm unclear on Ace of Pentacles, reversed: you will either have lost an opportunity or made a bad investment. Death, reversed: decay and stagnation. King of Wands: in the big picture, you have overcome all challenges."

"In my vision, I saw the American deity of mass shooting and he vowed to avenge his predecessor," his face was now paler than the skies outside. "The trend of warfare is now biological and that deity decided to attack your animal form, the bat. You know how fast the swine and avian flus spread, how they became stronger with each strain."

"So, I shall not turn into a bat. Problem solved," Jun concluded.

"Not really," I lisped. "He doesn't care how many humans will be killed in his quest for revenge so be careful." I would later recall how the Seventeen singer later 'accidentally' bought black face masks, which were tighter than the blue ones. "At some point, the vaccine will be developed so go for both dosages."

"I'll try not to rely on you too much," he used a euphemism to not discuss the tampons in front of my parent. I blushed as hard now as I did that first night. "Something else must be on your mind."

"To be honest, I expected to have a speaking role within my first year of college," I went to various auditions, without an agent backing me.

"I predict you'll be in web-dramas and TV series soon enough," our guest finally sipped from his mug. He said he'd get in touch with a company who was effective at procuring the roles and cutting costs. I held him to that promise: my older brother was getting married soon and I wanted to help him with finances.

"How were exams?" I gave him the same answers I had given my mother and the vampire advised me to get my driving licence soon. He wanted a play-by-play reaction of Seventeen's performance so I complied, from the initial moment of them walking around in those red, hooded robes, making him a little jealous when I said Wonwoo's gaze froze my blood.

He met my sisters, their know-it-all attitudes at peak level since they were in high school now. They told him about his return to China to film a drama and how handsome he looked next to the lead actress. Eomma chased the twins away when they started reciting about the dates we'd go on, knowing how shy we entertainers were.

Jun promised to visit again, once our schedules were clear again. The ground would thaw and become hospitable for seedlings again. Forest animals would awake from their hibernation and the established trees would bring forth buds to be pollinated by the bees. Sunshine would penetrate bones again instead of being as cold as the first snow. I would live until then.

I decided to start seeing the college's counsellor. There was no denying that all my time in the spotlight had blinded the world from the dark reality. Although I was called "Princess", although I had knights in dark clothes escort me at the airports, although I had the wise counsel of my manager and adoration of fans, I still had dragons to slay.

When I received acknowledgement from the lecturers, I'd overhear snide comments asking how many autographs I signed for them. There were more lewd imaginings if the lecturer was a male. Some "fans" felt that I should have stuck with Pledis, and I was later dubbed a contributing factor to the disbandment of Pristin.

Students believed that my fame was an advantage when in reality, it dragged me down. I sometimes felt that I was under a microscope: every action, omission, and view I opined would be under the most intense scrutiny. Disappointing someone is easier than having someone in awe and the pressure was akin to dropping Mentos in a bottle of Coca-Cola; I was afraid that I'd burst.

I was angry that people criticised me for my decision to quit singing: they would have made the same choice if they were in my choice. After my departure, I didn't have enough time to reminisce over my time as a trainee and as an idol: I had to work my butt off to stay afloat in an industry infamous for how fickle it was.

Talking to Mr Cho helped as I was terrified of letting my family know how I truly felt. It was also easy to communicate with Jun: even though we were celestially paired up, he was still a stranger in some ways. At times, it's easier to bear your soul with someone you don't know, as opposed to people who shared your DNA.

It was a tricky decision but I decided to go through with it. TikTok was experiencing a meteoric rate of downloads and views. I would play the supporting role of Kang Eunji in a thriller series. There were many lines to memorise but I immersed myself in the character. I sent selfies when I was off-stage to the vampire.

"You look great and I can't wait to see it." We had begun filming in June and would end in September. An episode was released each Wednesday and there would be hidden clips to add to the intrigue. I was satisfied with my portrayal of the character and hoped that TVN would select me for more series.