Will POV

The morning came, but the haze I was in didn't leave.

I was stuck feeling painfully empty or painfully overwhelmed, there was no in-between. I'm no stranger to emotional pain, I know it very well, but this wasn't a pain I had been accustomed to - this wasn't a pain I had trained myself for. This pain was more focused, it was sharper. And that made me dissociate even more - I felt like I was floating out of my body, my skin was tingling from the perceived lack of contact.

Of course, I knew what was happening but that didn't help me stop it from happening. I watched in a mixture of awe and fear as my body moved without me making it. I knew that somewhere, in my unorganized mental state, I must have been ordering it below consciousness. That frightened me even more - than I was capable of operating without actually being 'present'. I watched as my body breathed, moved and ate without my input. I wasn't the only one worried about my state though, Matt looked painfully worried. He hadn't bothered to disguise it like he usually did.

I floated - helplessly - while my body walked behind the others, jumped from roof to roof and sat wide-eyed while Jeremy and Matt took turns sleeping. It didn't help my cause that the more anxious I got, the lighter my floating body felt - almost like I would float up to the sky, so far up that the tether to my body would snap. I tried to speak, but no words came out, I tried to move an arm, but it remained locked in place. The only thing that gave me a clue that it was my body in the first place was that when I tried to breathe, it would breathe. Not the fact that it looked like me - I began doubting even my memories.

My brain was trying tirelessly to form a pattern where one couldn't be found. I watched as my eyes moved from one row of windows to the next, I knew that I was counting them. They would scan from the bottom of a building to the top and repeat and repeat and repeat. At some point, both Matt and Jeremy had fallen asleep - leaving only me awake.

Jeremy started whining, tossing from side to side, clutching his one arm. He was having a nightmare. I tried to reach out to him, I tried to comfort him, but all that I could seem to do was watch him as his own mind tortured him. He bolted upright and gasped in air. Despite how dark it was, I saw the gleam that I had become so familiar with.

It was the gleam of a person debating whether to stay and fight or turn and flee.

His eyes scanned his surroundings before landing on my form - hunched over, hugging my legs to my chest with wide, unblinking eyes. Tentatively, his hand grabbed the bag he was sleeping on and he slowly rose to his feet. He was going to take one bag of supplies and run. He was going to leave Matt and I. Despite how I tried to snap myself out of this strange and infuriating state - I couldn't say a single word to convince him. Only my breathing changed. Jeremy took a slow step backward, and I stayed unmoving. I felt dehumanized, I felt like a brain-dead Cannibal.

Just watching him.

He took another step, then another until it fluidly melted into a steady backward pace. He turned his back on me and started jogging away, hopping over to the next building. My sight followed him until I couldn't see him anymore. I was consumed with frustration and betrayal. But it was quickly drowned by a freezing sense of worry. Matt would be furious with me. I hadn't stopped Jeremy. Matt didn't know I was incapable of stopping him. I remained frozen, festering in worry. At one point, I started crying but my body remained still, my breathing was the only indication that I was actually crying - or trying to. Those creepy sniveling sounds were the only indication that I was real.

I even considered trying to close my eyes and pretend like I was asleep, just so that I wouldn't be blamed for simply watching our supplies hop away during the night. I watched in dread as morning came, I watched in heart-stretching gloom as Matt stirred from his sleep. His eyes opened slowly, then he bolted upright and his head snapped in my direction. He took in my appearance and sighed, looking tired all over again. I tried to tell him, I tried to say something, but nothing happened. His gaze lazily assessed the roof we were on until it started actively searching for something - someone.

"Jeremy?" he asked the empty air. I started fearing that he would call Jeremy out loud as he had me the night I had explored the apartment complex.

His gaze snapped to me once again, "Will...where's Jeremy?"

Instead of sounding angry or incredulous, he sounded worried. I tried to speak, I tried to yell that he had fled during the night, but I remained mute - floating outside of the vessel that was my body. Matt approached me carefully, "Will, can you hear me?"

Once again, I felt belittled, embarrassed. I'm not crazy, of course, I can hear you - I wanted to scream at him. But my mouth remained closed and my gaze simply followed him. He ran a hand through his hair until something shone in his eyes.
"Okay, this probably won't work but it's worth a shot. Blink once for 'no' and twice for 'yes'. Can you hear me?"
I wanted to scoff at his stupidity until I realized that I might be able to communicate with him again. I focused all my attention on trying to blink, and I managed one slow blink until I forced another. I started developing a headache.

Matt let out a breath of relief. "Why won't you talk?"

I wanted to snap at him and ask him how I was supposed to answer that, but I was unable to.

"Oh right", he said, "can you speak?" He clearly discovered his mistake.
I managed another slow, lazy blink.

He frowned in worry, "Are you hurt?"

Once again, I forced another heavy blink.

He bit the inside of his cheek and sighed. He looked worn out.
He walked over to me without a second thought and placed his arm on my shoulder. I watched in horror as my body moved fluidly, grabbing his wrist, bolting to its feet and flinging him chest first into the ground. My body stood above him, simply watching.

Then it happened. I felt like I was slammed by an unknown force back into my body. A violent shudder went through me as I dropped to the floor - landing on my knees. My eyes darted from side to side as if I was seeing the concrete for the first time. Hopefully, I raised one hand and wept in relief when my arm complied with my request. I sat down and cried into my hands. I must've looked insane as I wept in relief, mumbling, "I can move again."

I calmed my breathing down and slowly looked at Matt. He was looking at me in shock and...fear.
"Matt...I'm sorry...that wasn't me...I mean, it was me, but it wasn't me."
He blinked once, then twice, "You're... talking?"

Looking at him, I knew he felt the same - insane. I raised my right arm and looked at it in awe, "Yeah, I guess I am. I couldn't before..."

He moved hesitantly toward me, "You couldn't before?"

I shook my head, "It felt like I was floating outside my body, watching it move on its own."
Matt sighed in frustration. I bit my lip in worry.

"So then where's Jeremy?"

I felt my stomach contract in worry, I felt my heart shudder in fear.

"He...left. During the night...", I said cautiously.

He leveled his gaze with mine, keeping a blank face. Well, he was trying to, I'm pretty good at reading people - an occupational hazard - he was clearly angry.

"You just let him up and leave? You didn't try to stop him?"

I was taking quick, panicked breaths. "I couldn't... talk. I couldn't move... I tried, Matt, I'm so sorry...I-I tried to stop him..." I felt my body slowly going cold. I'm usually very good at keeping my emotions under control. So this is very out of character for me - and that was worrying me. Would I dissociate again? I can't let that happen... I was almost at my breaking point, I don't think I'd be able to deal with it a second time.

Matt clenched his jaw, "Will, he took the food bag... All we have now is a bag full of medical equipment. What the hell do we do now, huh? The cannibals are in the street all the time, we can't get off the roof during the day, the nearest supermarket is 6 blocks away and we have no food for the day except for ONE can of beans!"

I felt my body start tingling again.
No.
No.
No.

"Matt, calm down. You're stressing me out and I might dissociate again. I need you to calm down, I can't be under stress right now. We'll go to the nearest roof to the supermarket right now, wait till night and then go into the supermarket to get more food. Ok? So just relax."
The tingling stopped. I calmed my breathing, I focused solely on my breathing. Matt huffed in irritation, running a hand through his messy light-brown hair. "I'm sorry Will, I know you're going through a rough time after... I'm stressed too, I'm worried about you and I feel so... helpless. I'm sorry."

He sounded sincere, and I knew he was. I stood up and wobbled over to him, throwing my arms around his neck and burying myself in his chest. He snaked his arms around my waist and pulled me closer against him. I could feel his heartbeat, strong and quick. He was anxious, "Matt, calm down, please. I'm here, I'm not going anywhere. We'll figure this out. I'm here, you're here and that's all that matters right now."

He inhaled the scent of my hair and tightened his arms around me.
"Don't scare me like that again...I'm sorry, I'm so sorry", his voice wavered.
We stood like that, draining all the contentment we could from a simple embrace. And it felt like the first time all over again.