THE ROOM WAS COMPLETELY EMPTY. Everything she owned was gone and she, too, was gone. My chest ached as I stared around the bedroom and I knew my heart was continuing to shatter. The only thing left behind was the furniture I had to begin with. She took the sheets, blanket, and pillow cases from the bed. They were all hers but without them, the bed looked so empty and exposed. I stood in the doorway, unable to move. I should have expected this. After all, I had blamed everything on her. None of this was her fault. There was no way she could have been involved in Jillian's murder.

That was madness.

I heard Greysen walking up behind me and he placed a hand on my shoulder before taking a deep breath. He had offered to drive me home from the hospital and I let him. I could not drive myself back home. I was unable to concentrate and I would have gotten distracted behind the wheel.

"She's gone," I whispered.

He squeezed my shoulder before removing his hand from my body, "Maybe it's for the best."

I looked over at him and he was also looking at the room that used to belong to Sydney. It was so easy for him to say something like that. He did not live with her. He did not wake up every morning to hear her singing in the shower or talking to herself about what she was going to wear to work. He did not have meaningless conversations with her early in the morning just because he wanted to hear her voice. He never fell in love with her.

It was so easy for him but it was so hard for me.

I pinched the bridge of my nose and took an unsteady breath. Where could she have gone? I was tempted to call her but something told me she was not going to answer her phone. I yelled at her when I was not mad at her. I was mad at myself and I took it all out on her. God, I had been so foolish. She only wanted to make sure I was okay. Instead of letting her comfort me, I pushed her away and attacked. Now, she was gone and there was nothing I could do about it. Not only had I lost Jillian, I had lost Sydney as well. I was a pathetic excuse for a man.

"You can't just stand here all day," Greysen said and I heard the sadness in his voice. I did not move and removed my fingers from the bridge of my nose. He was right but I was not going to listen to him. Walking away from this room meant it was official. I did not want to believe she was really gone. She had to come back. "Harry—"

"Greysen," I snapped and turned my head to look at him. "You have your ways of grieving and I have mine. Please, please leave me alone. I appreciate you bringing me home but you didn't have to stay."

It was low and barely audible but I caught every words, "Someone has to."

Once again, he was right. Someone had to stay. Everyone I loved and cared about was leaving and I was unable to hold onto them for much longer. Was Greysen eventually going to leave? I had hoped not. He was my best friend and losing him would end it all. Running my fingers through my hair, I sat down on the floor and pressed my head back against the door frame. My hands balled up into fists and I looked straight ahead, wondering where in the world I took a wrong turn. Greysen sat down beside me and we both looked ahead at the wall.

"You aren't in this alone, you know," he said. "We were all friends. Even though she was your girlfriend, she was still your friend. We all lost our friend. It wasn't just you, okay? We're all hurting and it just makes sense for us to stick together to get through this. No one can go through something as tragic as this alone. Do you hear me?"

He knew my silent response was letting him know that I had heard him. He was sitting right beside me. How could I have not heard him? My fingers gripped the carpet on both sides of me and I closed my eyes. This day was going so well. It was almost perfect. I enjoyed myself at the beach with Sydney. We had a good time. Although my back was aching, I had enjoyed myself because I was with someone I loved. I had made her upset but I was going to make it up to her with flowers and cans of black olives. I had it all planned out. I was going to end things with Jillian. The second I pulled up into her driveway, everything went downhill.

Foolish.

I had been nothing but foolish.

I was uncomfortable looking at him as I spoke. My eyes wandered down to my lap and I whispered, "I was going to end things with her today. Jillian, I mean. I only went over there to her house to end it and leave her for Sydney. I never meant...I didn't know she was...There was...There was so much blood...I...I couldn't..."

When I stopped speaking, Greysen placed his head against the wall and sighed. His hand went back to my shoulder and he patted it gently. I expected him to yell at me about being so selfish but he looked exhausted. He and Jillian were close. They were best friends just like he and I were. He was crushed on the inside but he was trying his best to stay strong for me. I was thankful to have him as a friend. There was no way I would have been able to do this alone. The rest of our friends had someone to go back home to. Greysen lived alone and, as of right now, so did I.

"Did you love her?" he had asked after a while.

"Sydney?"

"Mm-hmm," he hummed.

Did I love her? She made me laugh. She made me feel emotions Jillian was never able to pull out of me. We had so many things in common and we knew exactly what to talk about to make each other laugh. I was so eager to help her when I barely knew her. I allowed her to move in when I never once thought about letting Jillian move in with me. We went out to places when Jillian and I usually stayed indoors. I had felt something when I was with Sydney but was it love? I had to say it was. I even confessed my love for her. My heart was crazy about her and it was dying because she was gone.

"Yeah," I finally answered him.

"And you still do?"

"Yeah."

"And you pushed her away," he said, punching me harder than I expected. "What a dick move, man."

I knew he was trying to lighten the mood and it was actually working. Sydney still had to be nearby and I would go looking for her eventually. Right now, I needed time for myself and I needed time to think. It would be wrong of me to go running after her knowing Jillian had just died today. How wrong was it for me to think so much of Sydney right now in this particular moment? Every time I closed my eyes, her face appeared. The same facial expression she wore when I blamed everything on her. The same hurt, devastated, crushed facial expression. If she was not torn before, she most definitely was now.

"She's gone! She's dead and it's all your fault! I loved her and there's no bringing her back! She called me, Sydney! And do you want to know where my phone was? It was at home while I was at the shitty beach with you!"

I had been harsher than I intended. The words came out of my mouth without a second thought and I did not care about what I was saying to her at the time. Now, I wished I could have taken it all back. I would have allowed her to comfort me and she would still be here. Her stuff would still be in her room and it would still smell like her. The smell was slowly fading away and I wanted it to come back.

"Get out! Get the hell out and don't come back!"

But I wanted her to come back. I wanted her back in my arms and I wanted her to comfort me like I did the night she woke up from her horrifying nightmare. I was in the middle of my own nightmare and I needed comforting. I was dying of a disease and she was my only cure. I now understood how hard it was for some people to find a cure for their illness. It was always right there in front of them but when they messed up, it disappeared into thin air and the person eventually died. I was not going to die, though, not literally. Metaphorically, perhaps.

"Do you know how hard it is," I turned to face Greysen, "to know the love of your life is out there in the world somewhere and she probably doesn't even want to talk to you?"

His smile was soft but I knew he did not understand. He was the type of man who clubbed every night and took home a different woman every time he went. He was the type of man who did not believe in love because he did not want to get hurt. Why could I not be more like him? Love was overrated and painful. I was tired of it and maybe I no longer needed this. Was this some kind of sign to let me know I did not need love to survive? I had lost both women I loved in one day. This had to be a sign.

"Have any alcohol?" Greysen asked.

I quickly rose to my feet and he smiled at the sudden action. I helped him up into standing position and we took our time getting down the stairs. On my way down, my fingers ran along the walls and I whistled. Something about the way I was grieving was off. Was I not supposed to be in bed with a box of tissues? Or were only women allowed to do that? I was almost certain the men turned to drinking. I supposed I was doing this correctly after all, then.

We walked into the kitchen and Greysen made himself comfortable at the kitchen table. I went to where I kept my unopened bottle of tequila and opened the cabinet. The glass bottle was not there and I raised my eyebrows. I was certain this was where I put it when I bought it a while back. I checked the other cabinets and cursed under my breath, slamming my fist against the counter.

"Having trouble?"

I threw my arms into the air and turned around to face him, "She took the alcohol."

He frowned, "You're kidding."

"You don't see me smiling," I said. "This is my serious face."

"What didn't that woman take?"

I tugged at the ends of my hair and closed my eyes, rocking back and forth on the balls of my feet. She took everything: my heart, the tequila, the memories we shared, everything she owned, and the things I had given her. I opened the fridge just in case the alcohol was in there and my lips parted. There were different containers holding different kinds of food. I examined them closely and suddenly felt guilty.

Sydney had actually cooked.

And she left the food here.

Why did she not take it with her? I slowly closed the refrigerator back and ran a tired hand down my face. I really wished she had taken the food and left my bottle of tequila. I was frustrated now. Why would she take it when it was clearly not hers? I tapped my fingers against the counter and looked down, my hair covering my forehead and eyes. As much as I wanted to be angry with her for taking it, I found myself understanding why she took it in the first place. She was hurting, too, and she also thought turning to alcohol was the answer.

I never kept much alcohol in the house and that was the only bottle I had left. What was I supposed to do now to distract myself from the awful day I had? Greysen watched me from the table and I knew I only had one option left. He raised his eyebrows as I hurried out of the kitchen and went upstairs to my bedroom. My key was stuffed in the pocket of my bottoms and I pulled it out, unlocking my bedroom door and stepping inside. My gun was still in the bathroom and I grabbed it without hesitation.

Checking for the amount of bullets, I smiled. There were only eight but they were more than enough. I held the gun carefully at my side and walked back out into the hall. Sydney used to be my stress reliever. Now, with her being gone, I was back to shooting leaves in my backyard. I knew I was going to enjoy this very much and the wide smile on my face told Greysen so. He stood up at the sight of it and awkwardly rubbed the back of his neck.

"Where are you going with that?" he wondered.

"I need to shoot something," I said, the excitement tiring me already.

"An inanimate object, I'm hoping?"

"Some leaves," I informed him. "And a tree, perhaps."

"Those are not inanimate."

"It helps with the stress."

I unlocked the back door and stepped out, taking a deep breath of the fresh air. I was about to shut the door behind me but Greysen stepped out. He closed the door and we walked around the pool to where the trees were. I examined the area and wondered where I was going to shoot. It was almost autumn and the colors of the leaves had already started to change. Not many had fallen, though. There were a couple and I started with those. I held onto the gun tightly and when it fired, I laughed at the familiar sound.

"Hey," Greysen took a step forward. "Are you sure you should be doing this?"

"I hate love," I told him before firing the gun again. "It's useless. It becomes complicated. Someone in the relationship always dies; whether or not you're old or young. They die. Then there's the person you love on the side. Who knew you could love two people at once? It's pathetic."

I fired again and the bullet dug deep into the ground.

"How are you able to do it, huh?" I asked. "How are you able to meet new women and not fall in love with any of them?"

Greysen looked around as if someone was secretly watching us and he placed his hands on his hips, "I turned them off."

"Turned what off?"

"My emotions," he explained. "I turned them off and I no longer get attached to the women I take home."

I lowered the gun a bit and tilted my head to the side, "How does someone turn off their emotions? Isn't that sort of...impossible?"

"No," he shook his head. "When a person has been through a lot of pain and excruciating agony, they can no longer take it. They give up. Their body soon enough becomes numb and they rarely care about anything. When I take a woman home, I'm numb. I don't feel a thing. Sex is just sex to me. The feelings just aren't there anymore."

"They just disappear?" I asked. "Just like that, eh?"

"Just like that," he said.

I repeated the words to myself, "Just like that."

I knitted my eyebrows together and loosened my grip on the weapon. I had been through a lot of pain and excruciating agony; yet, my emotions were still there. I wanted to turn them off. I wanted to be like Greysen and not give a damn. How hard was it for me to turn them off? I had been through too much and I was ready to become numb. It was obvious Sydney was never coming back to me and I had lost Jillian for good. It was nearly impossible for me to fall in love with someone else.

One could only fall in love so many times.

I raised the gun and fired at the nearest tree. Pieces of the bark flew away from the main part of the tree and my bottom lip trembled as my anger took over. I had too much anger left but not enough bullets. I fired at the grass, another tree, the pool, and the lights above the patio. Greysen stood there and watched as I threw the gun to the side and fell onto my knees, screaming at the top of my lungs. My breathing was heavy and as I continued to stare at my best friend, my eyes began to water. I had tried my hardest not to cry. I really had. It was so difficult and the task was fairly impractical. The tears ran down my face and I never once bothered to wipe them away.

I opened my mouth and screamed some more. Greysen never told me to stop and he never tried to comfort me. I was grieving and we all grieved differently. If I had to shoot up my backyard to grieve, so be it. I allowed my body to fall over onto its side and I looked at Greysen's shoes as I tried to calm my breathing. I no longer felt the urge to scream and the tears had stopped...just like that.

I had accomplished the nonviable.

I was officially numb.