WHEN WOMEN WERE SUDDENLY SAD, they became cliche with a tub of ice cream and a television screen showing a movie where the woman actually got the man of her dreams. It was quite sad how we put ourselves through such torture when we were already suffering. Not only were our hearts aching from something else, we had to make things worse by watching the best damn couple show off their love on a small screen. We sobbed into our ice cream, giving it a salty taste but our taste buds were also sad and they refused to let us taste a single thing.

Everything shut down once the heart was broken.

I was always careful to keep my feelings to myself but lately? I was failing. I was letting my emotions get to me and because of that, people were suffering. I was suffering. I never knew torture could be so cruel until now. I had never felt this much pain until now. I had been through a lot but nothing ever felt like this. It was a nightmare that refused to end. I did not even feel this way when Elijah died...and that only made me feel ten times worse. I was stupid for believing I could have a chance with Harry. I was stupid for letting him kiss me when I knew there was someone else.

But he had actually kissed me.

His lips were on mine and mine were on his. I would never forget how soft his lips were and how he held onto me as if he never wanted to let me go. I enjoyed every second and I was glad we took advantage of the time we were given. However, the time we were given was too short. I made it too short by realizing what we were doing was wrong. I had possibly ruined our friendship by not pulling away when everything first began...back when my feelings were first developing. If I had stopped myself right then and there, I would not be shoving spoonfuls of cookie dough ice cream into my mouth. As much as I loved ice cream, I was not in the mood to actually enjoy it. If it was able to numb my mouth and the back of my throat from being so cold, it could find its way to my heart—rather than my stomach—and numb it. I needed my heart to be numb. I could not risk anything happening to these people because of my damn feelings.

The kiss was not a simple need like a need for water because I was thirsty or a need for food because I was hungry. This was simply a need for relief. Our feelings had been taped up in boxes for so long and it was finally time for us to start unpacking. Unfortunately, we stopped unpacking not even halfway through. Some of our feelings were still hiding away, afraid to come out. Like us, they were cowards and they wanted to hide away from the surface. It was painful, knowing the feelings were there but nothing could be done. I could try my best to ignore them but it was hard. The heart thumping every time I saw Harry was hard to ignore. The swirly feeling in my stomach every time he spoke was hard to push aside.

I moved the ice cream away from me and picked up the remote to turn off the television. I turned my head to avoid looking at my reflection in the now black screen. I was afraid to look and see who I truly was. I was afraid to look at the woman who fell in love with men who belonged to someone else—who belonged to people like Jillian. I was a woman who showed no respect for others. I attempted to take something that was not mine and failed miserably. I was embarrassed. I had made a complete fool out of myself and there was no one to blame but me. If I had chosen another city to move to or possibly another place to work at, everything would have been fine. Harry would be happy with Jillian and I would be focusing on my life.

My phone vibrated on the other side of the sofa and I closed my eyes, exhaling slowly. I knew Harry was still trying to get in contact with me but I was not ready to talk to him. How was he ready to talk to me? After what had just happened? I wanted to slap some sense into him. He should not be trying to get in contact with me. He had guests over at his house. Instead of texting me, he should have entertained his guests. My phone continued to vibrate and I rolled my eyes. I had not opened a single text message from him and I was not going to. We needed time and he failed to realize that. He was so quick to text me without even wondering if I was perhaps ready to respond.

I stood up from the sofa and walked toward the kitchen. I turned on the sink and just listened to the sound of the water running. My hands gripped the edge of the sink and I slowly shook my head. I was too busy worrying about the kiss that I had no idea if Harry was also worrying about it. Was that why he was texting me? Whatever the reason, he did not stop and the messages kept coming. I was worried that something had gone wrong, though. Did someone see us kiss? Did Jillian see how we truly felt? The thought made me turn my attention to my phone and I tugged my bottom lip between my teeth.

I was about to go retrieve my phone when someone knocked on the front door.

My heart nearly stopped at the sound and I immediately turned the sink water off. The knock was barely audible but it was there. It was small...very gentle. It was as if the person did so just in case they changed their mind. I stayed right where I was. No one told me they were coming over. I was not expecting anyone. The thought of someone I did not know knocking on my door this late made me cringe. I tugged at the ends of my hair and my phone vibrated once more...twice more from the sofa. I ignored the person knocking on the door and went to go grab my phone. I turned it on and checked the last two messages I had received.

From: Harry

Open the door?

I stared blankly at the screen, hoping my eyes were playing tricks on me. There was no way he could be here right now. He was back at his home entertaining his guests. Yeah, that was it. He was not here at all. I was hallucinating.

From: Harry

Please? It's raining.

Since when was it raining? I stopped to listen and soon enough, I heard raindrops throwing themselves against the roof. I turned my phone off, not bothering to read what he had sent me earlier. I stared at the front door and imagined Harry standing on the other side of it. Why did he come here? He could have called. I would have answered.

No, Sydney. You would have ignored his calls like you ignored his texts.

Every feeling I was trying to ignore came rushing back when he started knocking on the door again. I stood up from the sofa but I did not go to the door. My eyes were wide and I was shocked. I did not think he would come here. I had prepared myself to see him at work on Monday but I did not prepare myself for this. God, I was terrified. I wanted to open the door but I knew it was an idiotic move. I crossed my arms across my chest and took a deep breath. I really needed that ice cream to numb my heart. Unfortunately, it let me down.

I began to walk toward the door with my phone in hand—one leg out in front of the other, switching legs, and repeating.

I was surprisingly breathing just fine—my chest constantly rising and falling, the involuntary movement of muscle, the filling of my lungs.

I wanted to run away and hide every time he knocked but my legs continued to move forward and my eyes were glued to the doorknob. My phone vibrated once more and I looked down at the bright screen.

From: Harry

Are you home?

My breath was caught in my throat and my hands were shaking slightly. I suddenly felt as if I was about to drop right then and there. I knew he wanted a response but if I started typing, I would never stop. I would type multiple sentences which would eventually turn into a gigantic paragraph. I wanted to reply. I was about to open the door so of course I was home. I did not want him to know I was so close to letting him in, though. I needed to send him something simple without showing too much emotion.

To: Harry

Yes.

He responded quickly.

From: Harry

You're not answering the door.

I rushed toward the door now, eager, anxious, desperate. I stood on the tips of my toes and looked through the peep hole and—not to my surprise—Harry was standing on the other side with his head facing downward. I assumed he was waiting for me to respond.

To: Harry

You're standing outside my front door...?

I forbid myself from looking through the peep hole again. I did not want to see his face when he read my message. I did not want to give myself any hope. Harry's half of my heart was pulling me toward him while Elijah's was trying to pull me away from the door. I closed my eyes and pressed my forehead against the wooden door. I knew opening this door would not do either of us any good. He was still with Jillian and if he was here for me, I was going to slap him more than once. My phone vibrated and I nearly dropped it as I tried to see what he sent me.

From: Harry

Can you open the door and let me in?

The corners of my lips turned upward into a small smile.

To: Harry

Are we vampires now?

As soon as I sent it, I regretted it and my smile turned upside down. I was letting him get to me. I was accomplishing absolutely nothing by doing this. He needed to turn around and go home. I needed to go back to being sad and having no one to talk to. I wanted to open the door so badly and it was tearing me apart on the inside. My heart was screaming and my brain was about to explode. While I looked calm, a storm was going on within me.

"Sydney," a voice—belonging to Harry—said on the other side of the door. "I want to talk. Please let me in."

I opened the door.

There he stood, soaking wet, right in front of me. His glaucous eyes watched me carefully and I noticed he had changed out of his clothes from earlier. Jogging pants covered his legs and a white tee covered his chest. A beanie covered most of his hair but some strands had managed to escape. He was not lying about the rain and I felt guilty for not letting him in earlier when I first realized he was here. I stepped to the side, nodding my head toward the living room. He hesitated before entering but when he did, he walked into the living room and made himself comfortable on the floor.

I slowly closed the door and locked it. I turned around and Harry's back was facing me. The living room was not that far from the front door. For a walk that should have taken me seconds, I procrastinated and turned it into a three minute walk. I sat down on the sofa and noticed Harry staring at my empty tub of ice cream. I expected him to say something first but his lips remained sealed. I sat back against the sofa and cleared my throat.

"Why—"

"Are you okay?" he blurted.

I blinked, surprised by his sudden question. We were staring at each other and his eyebrows rose as he waited for my response. He knew I was not okay but I was not going to admit it. I did not want to keep him here long and telling the truth would only lead to a longer discussion. Instead of telling the truth, I told him what he wanted to hear.

"I'm all right," I said. "Are you okay?"

He shrugged, "I'm a little confused right now."

"How so?"

He pulled his beanie off his head, exposing the rest of his hair, "Why are you not mad at me? I thought you were pissed. How are you not?"

"I don't know how I'm supposed to feel." I sighed. "Am I supposed to be upset? Am I supposed to be jumping around with joy?"

"You ran off crying," he reminded me. "I thought you were mad at me. I saw you drive away but I was waiting for you to come back. I thought you were going to come inside and yell at me for being an ass to you...to Jillian. I was waiting for you to come back and tell everyone what we did. But you never showed and I got worried."

"Why would I tell Jillian?" I was looking up at the ceiling now. "We don't talk."

"Would you tell her, though?" he wondered. "If you talked?"

I realized what this all meant. Harry was choosing Jillian over me. I kind of expected this but I had hoped I was wrong. He came here to make sure I would not run off and tell anyone. He wanted to keep his relationship with Jillian and he was probably here to tell me he never wanted to see me again. I understood. Even though it would be painful, I would be able to understand.

"No," I finally responded. "Even if we talked, I wouldn't tell her."

"Thank you for that," he sounded relieved.

"So what now?"

"I don't know."

"We could just forget the kiss ever happened and move on with our lives." I suggested. "I think that's all we can do as of right now. I know the feelings are there but we have to avoid them. I don't want our selfish hearts destroying the relationship you have with Jillian. I'd hate to ruin a relationship for my own needs and I'm sure you feel the same way."

He nodded but looked away from me.

It was hard being in the same room as him but it was even harder to make eye contact with him. I was almost certain he felt the same way because he constantly looked away from me.

"This can't happen again," he said after a while. "I'm in love with Jillian, Sydney, and I don't want our relationship to die because of a kiss. Our friendship is great and I don't want that to die, either. I don't know why I let my heart get the best of me but it did. I do love you, Sydney, but I can't leave Jillian for you. I can't do it. I won't."

Every word that came out of his mouth was a bullet to my chest. I sank lower and lower into the sofa and I pulled my knees up to my chest. I hated Greysen for being right. Why did Harry come here if he was just going to make me feel even worse? He wiped his eyes with his shirt and I looked to see if he was crying. He was not. Rain constantly fell from his hair and landed on his face. He did not look the slightest bit interested in me.

I was losing Harry and I was not okay with it.

"I'm sorry," my voice was barely audible. "It was stupid on my part for kissing you. I know you and Jillian have been together for years and I wouldn't throw all of that away, either. The two of you look very happy together."

My last sentence came out sarcastically but Harry did not seem to catch it.

"You should probably go back to her." I wanted him out of my house. "You know, before she grows suspicious of where you are."

"She thinks I'm out with Greysen."

"Then you should probably go find Greysen."

"Are you kicking me out?"

I frowned, "I don't think it's wise for you to be here right now, Harry. I just want to be left alone, all right? Is that too much to ask? I just want to be left alone to mope and to figure out where I went wrong."

"Sydney—"

"Harry, please!" I was growing more and more frustrated by the minute. "Get out of my house."

"Don't let our friendship die over something like this."

"How can you even be friends with me after what just happened?" I asked. "How can you go back to your house and face Jillian, knowing what you did? How can you do anything after what happened between us?"

"Unlike you, I'm not pushing the memory underneath a rug and trying to ignore it. I've accepted the fact that it happened and now I'm trying to move on with my life. I highly suggest you do the same because it's eating you alive."

"I can't," I looked up at him. "I can't accept it."

Harry stood up from the floor and moved the ice cream tub away from the sofa. He placed it on the coffee table and sat down beside me, opening his arms. I stared at him and he wrapped them around me without any kind of warning. He pulled me close and sat his chin on top of my head. I wrapped my arms tightly around him, never wanting to let go. He was too kind and that was why I wanted him. He was perfect and he was the man every woman wanted...the man every woman could not have.

"We can move passed this together." Harry pointed out. "We shouldn't let one kiss ruin all the fun we've had together."

"What do we do, then?" I asked.

"Every time we start having feelings around each other, we say something that causes those feelings to go away. That way, we won't do something we'll soon enough regret."

"You smell like a man who went to the gym without any deodorant on."

"Yeah, just like that!" he beamed. "You look like you were hit by a truck."

"How cliche," I grinned. "Your hair looks like it belongs on the end of a mop."

"One time, Greysen and I decided to go out to this nice restaurant where they have different foods we had never heard of. I ordered something completely different and Greysen got something he was familiar with. I didn't know I had ordered snails until after the fact that I ate them. I went around flirting with snail breath. I didn't get any numbers that night."

"Gross!" I shook my head.

"It wasn't too bad."

"My little brother and I love playing tricks on each other. He had reorganized everything in my room so that when I opened the door, everything would collapse on me."

"Yikes."

"Yeah, yeah, so I decided to get him back by replacing the icing in his pack of Oreos with toothpaste. He got really mad and I got some cookies thrown at my neck but it was worth it."

"That's pretty sick but what he did to you was worse. I'd do the same thing so I need something else."

"That's not fair."

"Life isn't fair."

"Okay," I sighed. "We have a dog and when we first got her, she was so cute and I was seriously obsessed with how she smelled. She had this...angelic smell to her and—"

"Is there a point to this story?"

"I'm in love with the smell of puppy breath. Especially right after they eat. Don't you just love the smell of dog food?"

"Goodbye,"

"Hey!"

Harry grinned, "I like to sneeze."

"That's...weird. I made out with a girl once when I was fifteen. I wasn't into it, though, obviously."

"Work with me here, Sydney. Jesus Christ. That is not a flaw."

"Your response is somewhat disturbing."

"If I'm out in public, rather than holding in my farts, I just let them out for the world to enjoy."

"Okay," I frowned. "I think I'm good for a month or so."

"I'd rather fart and be shamed then bust a gut and be lame."

"I think we're even now with the flaws."

"Okay," he grinned. "So you know what to do whenever we catch feelings?"

"I used my brother's toothbrush once."

"Exactly," Harry stood up from the sofa and looked down at me. "Thanks for doing this, Sydney. I really appreciate it. I'll see you at work Monday?"

"I'll see you there."

He turned to leave and I watched him put his beanie back on his head. He unlocked the door and opened it, not once looking back at me. Quickly, he slipped out of the house and shut the door behind him. As soon as the door clicked shut, I threw myself back against the sofa, the swirly feeling taking over once again.