-6-

The film ran for maybe half an hour until my eyes closed. I felt so comfortable with Zhan and his closeness that I actually fell asleep next to him. I only noticed it when I woke up around 6 am because I had to go to the toilet.

Zhan had covered me up and was lying next to me at a distance, he was fast asleep. When I came back from the toilet, I thought about going to the guest room. But, I decided against it. I went back to Zhan, crawled back into bed and watched him sleep for a while.

It was only then that I noticed a few details on him. His long eyelashes, for example. Or his perfect Jawline. Those almond-shaped eyes. His narrow nose. The light skin. His full lips and this little mole under his lower lip. I thought he was really handsome from the first moment on. And the longer I look at him, the more gorgeous I find him. Why is he alone?

It was incredibly difficult for me to take my eyes off him. Especially from this little mole under his lower lip. I just had to touch it. I carefully stretched out my arm and lightly tapped the mole with my index finger. "Are you enjoying this?" Zhan suddenly asked me.

"I'm sorry. I don't know why, but I only wanted to touch it once this cute mole." I said hastily.

"Well, are you happy now?"

"I don't know."

Zhan opened his eyes, his dark pupils seemed to look into my soul as he looked at me. "You don't know?" He asked.

"Mmm. "I don't know. I only touched it lightly and very briefly."

"And now you want to touch it again?"

"May I?" This mole really hit me hard.

"If you like. I don't mind." Zhan said.

So I touched it again, and longer this time. It magically attracts my gaze. Zhan smiled and asked me, "Well? Are you satisfied?"

Embarrassed, I nodded my head. I said yes, but my brain said no. But I didn't want to be rude either. I closed my eyes again, Zhan stroked the side of my head over my hair and said, "Go back to sleep. Sweet dreams."

But I couldn't fall asleep right away, because there was a question going through my mind that wouldn't leave me alone. "You Zhan?"

"Hmm?"

"Can I ask you a personal question?"

"Oh wow Yibo. You' lying next to me in my bed, how much more personal can it become? Ha ha, ask anything you want to know."

"When did you realize you liked men?"

"I think I have always suspected it. But I knew it in my year before last at school. I was 17 years old and in a music band club. We regularly competed against other bands in competitions and battles. And that year we had a battle against an unknown group. All we knew was, that the whole band was based on one member in particular. We spent a week in a tiny place in Shanghai where the school of the other band was. And because there was not even a hotel or hostel there, we were split up and put up with the members of the other band. And I ended up with the said band member, who everyone thought so much of. I was on the phone with my girlfriend, who I had at that time, when he came back from a meeting with his band. He was standing there staring at me and I was almost speechless when I saw him. Well, we spent a lot of time together that week, we had to go to his school and we just didn't see each other when our bands were rehearsing. Sometimes I didn't know how to act and tried not to make it too obvious. If he came closer than 30 centimeters to me, I went further away. He never said anything against it, but I could see how uncomfortable it was for him when I avoided him. We won the battle against his band. But probably only because he didn't sing. When I said goodbye to him, he gave me a letter, a USB stick and a kiss. Then he ran away."

"Oh, my God. What was on the USB flash drive?" That's what I wanted to know.

"He sang a song and that song was on the flash drive. When I listened to his ballad, I immediately realized that we would have lost against him if he had competed against us."

"And I guess that letter was a love letter, huh?"

"Mmm, something like that. It was more like he confessed his feelings and then wanted to know from me why I was avoiding him, although I obviously liked him too. I even wrote him a letter in reply. I wrote him that I was insecure and even if I was sure, I wouldn't have done anything because I had a girlfriend. No matter how much I liked him, I would never have cheated on her. But when we got back, I broke up with her. She was the first one I told the truth to and she laughed and then said that she was jealous of the men who would one day come into my life.

"So she took it well? Then what happened with you and him?"

"Yes, she became my best friend and supported me in everything. Even today. He and I stayed in touch and met again at the university. We became a couple, but it only lasted three years. Because his dream was always to study at a special university in America and then he got the chance and left. But at that point the relationship was not the same as before anyway. We were so busy with ourselves and our studies that we lost sight of each other."

"And do your parents know?"

"Oh yes. I can't keep a secret from my parents. My father is a pediatrician and my mother a child psychologist. Soon after I found out about myself that I like men, my parents sat down at the table with me and I knew they already suspected. So I confessed it to them."

"And how did they react?"

"Mhhh, my father told me to use contraception and my mother told me to stop always thinking too much and get into a love affair. So they took it very well."

"What are your parents like, Zhan?"

"My parents are crazy, loving, warm people. They grew up together because their parents were best friends. When they were 14 years old, they became a couple. They never loved anybody else and they were never with anybody else. When they became 18 years old, they got married. At that time they wanted many children. But then my mother found out that she only had one functioning ovary and it only worked 70 percent of the time. My father swore he would stay with her anyway, because he always loved her more than his life. When they gave up their desire to create a big family, my mother suddenly became pregnant. I was born and my parents were almost bursting with happiness. And then 8 years ago, my mother came to the hospital because of stomach pain, the doctor examined her, laughed and asked her if she hadn't noticed that she was pregnant. In any case, it was not obvious to her. She gave birth to my little brother almost 20 years to the day after my birth. So, his birthday is one day before mine. He was often very sick at the beginning as a baby, but now he is healthy and happy and keeps our parents busy."

And without Zhan asking me, I told him about my family and their polygamy life. How I learned about it and that my mother took her own life. And I even told him about my relatives and what experiences I made there. And of course also about my marriage and what happened yesterday and why I got this panic attack.

Zhan was very calm when I told him. When I told him about my beating uncle, he took my hand and stroked it. It calmed me down a little. When I started shaking all over my body, he slid over to me, took me in his arms, stroked my back and I just told him everything, calmly and one by one.

For the very first time I told another person about me and my life. And it was incredibly good that he listened to me. I also told him about how my friends turned their backs on me when they learned that my parents had a polygamous marriage and that I only had one friend left and finally ran away at the age of 18.

I assumed that Zhan would suggest a psychologist because that would be only too logical. But instead he said: "So you had a panic attack, not because you saw your ex-wife with another man, but because you found out that she was lying to you. Just as you had been lied to for many years by your parents. All your life you were lied to, disappointed and hurt again and again. No wonder it came to this."

"So you're not suggesting a psychologist?"

"Mmm, no. Therapy only works if you want it yourself. I can recommend that you see a psychologist. But if you don't do it yourself, it's no use. But it's a good start that you've talked about it. Um, what happened to your cousin who was harassing you?"

"Well, I wouldn't call it harassment. I was just too young to understand what was going on. He's married and has four children."

"Did he ever apologize to you?"

"No. But I've avoided him ever since that night and the incident."

"I see. But he still should have apologized. Besides, he should have known you were much too young to realize what he was up to. And as for your beating uncle, what about him?"

"He died. He fell seriously ill and died. His family was devastated and I stood at the funeral ceremony and was stunned. I mean, he tormented and beat them for years and they all stood there and cried."

"Well, he was still your aunt's husband and your cousin's father. We don't have to understand it, but they loved him in spite of it all. Because I'm sure they have lots of happy memories too, that you know nothing about."

"Yes, you're probably right."

I was still in Zhan's arms and felt very comfortable. At that moment, I wished he'd never let me go. I felt safe and secure with him, something I had never felt before with any other person than my mother. Maybe the comparison is stupid, but that's how it is. I just felt as safe with him as when I was little and my mother held me in her arms.

On the next page it continues...