-4-

Through my work I have heard a lot about Doctor Xiao Zhan. A very respected young doctor, only two years older than me. I have often heard nurses say that he is very handsome. And I always shook my head about it. But when I saw him, I was almost speechless.

I had never seen such a handsome man before. He stroked me over the head, smiled and asked me: "Are you slowly getting better?"

I nodded. "I had a panic attack, didn't I?"

"Yes. But don't worry, your vital signs are already better. But I still want to examine you in hospital. Just to be sure."

Again I nodded and asked him: "You will examine me? Shouldn't the doctor on duty at the hospital do that?"

"Oh haha. That's me. I just happened to be there when the emergency call came in. And since no other doctor was available, I went with them."

I asked him about the hospital where he works and he told me: "At Gusu Lan Hospital. I've only been there for a week."

"I work there as a male nurse." I explained.

"Oh wow. I guess we'll see each other more often now." I hoped so. Without being able to explain why.

"Is there anything else I can help you with?" He wanted to know.

And I said, "Can you make me smile again?"

He took my hand, stroked it and said, "Sure I can. But are you ready for it?"

My heart was pounding like crazy and the monitor was beeping. Xiao Zhan looked at the readings, listened to my heart and grinned, "Did I say something that made your heart race?"

I was so embarrassed. "Sorry, I don't know what's wrong."

"Oh, too bad. And I thought I could make a good impression on you and that your heart is racing because of me. That would be nice. A cute handsome man like you gets a racing heart when he looks at me. Well, I guess it'll always be a dream." When Xiao Zhan said that, I suddenly laughed.

"Ha-ha, you see, I can even make you laugh. But seriously. Are you ready to trust me?"

I didn't know. But I said, "Yes. I just learned that I shouldn't trust anyone, but okay, I'll trust you."

"Very well. Then trust me that I will help you. I'll make sure you never have another panic attack over this woman. And I' m gonna help you smile again, by the way. But only if you're willing to trust me and go along with it."

"Okay." That's what I said.

When we arrived at the hospital, one of the assistants wanted to take over, but Xiao Zhan told him that he would do it himself. Some of my colleagues recognized me immediately and started whispering. Xiao Zhan stood in front of them and said, "If I hear you blaspheme or gossip again, I will throw you out." How quickly they ran off, haha.

In the examination room I had to strip off my upper body and Xiao Zhan looked at me and said, "Wow you are well trained. Do you go to the gym often?"

I shook my head and said, " This is from dancing."

"From dancing?"

"You'll find out eventually, so I might as well tell you right here. To make more money, I work part-time in a nightclub as a dancer and waiter. But it's agreed with the hospital management."

"Okay. Do you mind if I have a look?"

"What? My dancing?"

"Yes, exactly. Or do you mind?"

"No, but it's a nightclub and you'd be the first person from the hospital to want to check it out."

"Really? With your looks and your body, I'm surprised."

My face really blushed when he said that. But I thought it was nice too. It sounded honest to me. So I told him which nightclub I was performing in and that I was there every night at the moment. He looked at me thoughtfully and said, "Well, if you're working there tonight, I should be there as your attending doctor just in case." He smiled really sweetly.

"You're very welcome to watch me work there tonight as well. I'd really like that." I replied.

"Well, in that case, then I definitely have to be there. I'll prescribe you another medicine that you can take in case you have another panic attack. But I don't think you will need it. Now that you have me, I'll take care of you." Said Xiao Zhan.

It sounded strange but nice too. He handed me a blanket and told me to rest on the bed in his treatment room. "The nurses can't just come in here without my permission, and you can relax in peace. I will be back soon." Then he left to take care of the other patients.

I actually fell asleep and had a nice dream. In my dream I was again a little boy for whom the world could not be more beautiful. I was playing hide and seek with my parents in the zoo, my mother found me and happily kissed my face off, while my father stood there laughing and taking pictures.

A memory that I had long forgotten or repressed. It was one of the memories that always made me believe that my family is perfect. Yes, a few rough edges, but otherwise perfect.

But this memory also made me miss my mother again. I always missed her, but in this moment, I missed her even more. How I would have loved to talk to her about this dream and this memory. But unfortunately I cannot, because she gave up herself and her life and it is my father's fault.

To my siblings, they are all brothers, I have no contact. I only know about my big brother how he looks or has looked like. Because since that time when I left, I have not seen him again. It's funny that he and I of all people started to get along well when I lived with him and his mother.

He told me a lot of things about our dad back then that I didn't know. For example that he wanted a polygamous marriage from the beginning. And, he even wanted his wives and children to live under one roof. Like one big family. And I guess my mother lived with him and his main wife for two years.

But then neighbors almost found out that my father had a polygamous marriage and since it is forbidden by law, he was threatened with jail. So he took my mother to another apartment and from that point on they decided to change weekly. One week with the main wife, one week with the secondary wife.

My father is said to have been with my mother a lot when my mother was pregnant. My brother told me that he rarely came home because he was usually with my mother. And when I was born, he stayed by her side for three months. Because it took me that long to sleep through the night.

So it was nothing new for him that my father took such good care of his new wife, especially when she was so badly off because of her pregnancy. But he too was amazed at how little he could get home. However, he also told me that he thought our father loved my mother very much. Because she was the only one he bought an apartment for.

"He felt really bad. He did not eat, he did not sleep. You may not have noticed this because you were right to be so angry. But my mother and I noticed. Also that he cried all the time. I even heard him blaming himself for treating your mother so badly when the new woman came along. My mother even had to comfort him often because he was so desperate." My brother told me.

But I did not care. He knew he didn't treat her well, he knew she was suffering, she looked bad, she was weak and suffered from depression. But instead of helping her, he even cut the budget. He did not take her to the doctor. He rarely came by for a night, scolded her to take more care of herself and then left again.

"A man who loves his wife and sees that she is in bad health takes care of her. But he has done nothing of the sort." That's what I said to my brother. Still he defended our father. Well, he grew up with the knowledge about polygamous marriage and didn't know any other way. It was different with me. And I am honest, I don't want to share the person I love.

But what I find even worse is that my father kept the apartment and now his new wife lives there. If my mother had not taken her own life, the new wife would be the fourth wife. Fortunately, my mother doesn't have to experience that anymore.

I always say that everyone should live the way they want to. And, as long as nobody is forced or has to suffer. Well, I was forced to live in this polygamous marriage of my parents and my mother suffered. So I was always against this marriage. As a concubine, my mother would not even have been able to make legal claims for herself if she had separated from my father. The only thing she would have been entitled to would have been alimony for me. In the event that my father had died, she would also have been left empty-handed.

Pah, at the moment there are even several series on the women's channels on television, about polygamous marriages. My colleagues often talk about these series. They think it's great that a man has four wives and so many children. But do they think it's still great if they had to experience that themselves? Do they really think that everything is shown on television?

Well, it doesn't matter. Anyway, I had a nice dream. I only woke up because I heard the food trolley rattling in the hallway. Dinner is being distributed to the patients right now. That reminds me, I haven't eaten anything yet either.

And just as I was thinking about going outside and getting one of the extra meals that are always supplied, the door opened and Xiao Zhan came in with a bag from a delivery service. He put the bag in front of me and told me to eat. It was two spring rolls, a bowl of rice with egg and vegetables and a chicken soup.

Normally I always eat very little, but I suddenly had such an appetite that I ate it all. Xiao Zhan sat next to me, took my pulse and blood pressure and seemed very satisfied. "You seem to be doing well again, so as your doctor, I have no objection if you want to work tonight."

"I need to work, I need the money. I haven't found a new apartment yet and the apartment I have now is really expensive from the rent." I explained.

"Mmm, I see. But still, you should take it easy tonight. But I'm with you, and I'll take care of you." Somehow, I found it reassuring to know that.

We'll continue in the next chapter...