Question: I just want to know if you like Halsey because I'm so in love with her. If you don't, then I suggest you listen to her album 'Manic' or more specifically to the song 'More'.

Chapter 40 - 6 Feet 11 Inches Under.

Oliver

"I-I don't understand. W-What do you mean, Jess? What's wrong?" I sputtered, utterly confused by the sudden harshness in her voice.

"Jess, please you need to calm down. It's not like this-" Yadiri started but Jess shut her off again.

"I asked; where were you? Is that too hard to understand?" She insisted, growling her words at me and piercing my eyes with her darkened gaze.

"I did tell you that I was going out, didn't I?" I replied calmly, attempting to abate her rising temper since I had absolutely no idea why she was pissed.

"Is something wrong with you, Oliver?" She grimaced, slowly approaching me where I stood. The look on her face forced me to take a few steps back just in case she decided to throw hands-or shoes-at me. "Is that the answer to my question?"

"Yadiri, what's wrong with her?" I took my confused eyes to Yadiri since Jess wasn't telling me anything.

"Just tell her where you went," Yadiri sighed, gesturing with her hands.

Looking from her to Jess then back to her with my eyebrows furrowed into an utterly confused frown which, I'm sure, didn't do too well portraying my boggled thoughts, I clicked my tongue and sighed.

"I was at Mako's," I let out, spreading my arms and bringing them to slap my thighs. "He told me to come over yesterday. I was going to wait to tell you why because I need to clean up my room, but since you're here I'll just-"

"Lies!" Jess barked, cutting me off, "You've become such a damned, bloody liar, Olly. You've been lying to Mason and deceiving him, and now you're lying to me about being at Mako's. How many more lies would you tell? What has Khalid turned you into?" She continued to rage and I couldn't help the angry frown that spread across my face.

"What are you even talking about?" I asked, making sure to remain calm by keeping my breathing under control, although my heart was beginning to race. Jess was being annoyingly presumptuous.

"You were at Mason's again and you still haven't told him anything, have you?" Jess queried, piercing me with furious, dark eyes.

"What does that have to do with the truth that I was at Mako's?" I emphasised the last part to get it through to her because, apparently, she wasn't paying attention to the words coming out of my mouth. She was too angry to reason clearly, despite all of Yadiri's efforts to help her calm down.

"Stop fucking lying to me!" She shouted over me, shaking her head vigorously. The action made her hair ruffle into a brunette mess on her head. "I've been trying to help you as a friend by lying and keeping important information from another friend who doesn't deserve what you're about to do to him. But I've seen that you don't deserve any more help, you've clearly chosen the path you wish to follow. I won't go down there with you, no honey. You're going alone," she hissed angrily, pointing her index finger at me.

"Why are you over-exaggerating?" I huffed, titling my head to the side. My heartbeat wasn't slow, steady beats anymore and the blood flow to my brain blurred my vision. "I haven't done anything to Mason and I'm trying not to. And I most definitely did not spend the night at his place!"

Jess withdrew her hand from the air, squeezed her eyes shut, and drew in an audible deep breath to calm herself. The next thing she said pierced through me like a spear.

"You can keep lying, Olly, but I'm done lying with you—or for you. I'm going to tell Mason everything; how you actually don't like him, how you're letting him kiss you but still kissing someone else. How you're using him as a rebound, a back up," she revealed with an eerily calm tone.

"I told you I was going to tell him myself," I bit the side of my tongue to channel the pain somewhere else. "And you're over-exaggerating, I'm not using him as a rebound. I'm not doing half of the things you just mentioned—not purposely, at least," I finished, folding my hands into a tight fist. My fingernails dug into my palms, sending a stab of pain through both my arms.

"When are you going to tell him," was what she asked, she didn't care about the other things I said. I remained silent at her question, blinking blankly and not giving her the answer she wanted to hear. That made her even more furious. "My point. Then I'm going to tell him myself," she stated affirmatively.

My skin jittered and crawled with nerves at her statement, I instantly felt insecure and I had to find a way to discourage her.

"Why?" I asked, annoyed.

"Because you won't do it," she rebuffed coldly.

"That's not your business, Jessica. Mind your business," I sassed in a tone more severe than I originally intended.

"Mind my business?" She crowed, widening her eyes at me before laughing mockingly. "Mind my business," she repeated, looking at Yadiri who stood beside her before bringing her dark gaze back to fall on me. "I'm minding my business, Oliver," she garbled my name, voicing it the same way I pronounced hers. "This here is my business. Looking out for my friends is my business and Mason is my friend. It's my business to tell my friends when they're about to be hurt even if it's by another friend of mine who should've been a better friend and told them themselves," her voice came out stiff and frozen, yet so calm, stabbing my heart a thousand times.

"Don't do it," I demanded, clenching my jaws.

"I will and you won't stop me," she refused menacingly.

"Fine then, fuck you!" I gave up trying to control my temper and lost my cool. "Fuck you, fuck Mason, fuck Khalid, fuck everything. You can tell him if you wish, I don't bloody care. Then you can go ahead and date him if you so wish!"

Jess cringed and stepped back and away from my tantrum, utter shock in her eyes. She blinked rapidly and I could notice her eyes turn glassy with tears. Jess probably didn't want it to get this bad but I'd given a reaction equal to her manner of approach so why was she so scared? She caused this.

She's the reason I lost my cool.

"So you just want to keep leading Mason on so heartlessly?" Jess asked, sounding all holy and innocent and that annoyed me even more.

"Heartlessly?" I scoffed, glancing around with an eye roll before fixing my gaze back on her. "You're going out with Alex, have I tried to stop you or said anything to jeopardize whatever-the-fuck the both of you might have going on?" I threw another question back at her.

"What does that have to do with anything? What does Alex have to do with this?" Jess wondered, sniffing harshly.

"It has everything to do with this. You're dating a mini devil and you're complaining about me seeing Mason, you're not holy, miss goody two shoes," I retorted, ignoring the tears welling in her eyes.

"What the hell are you saying? I'm not dating Alex, and are you seriously making that comparison? Really?" She asked, nodding her head furiously and ignoring the name I'd called her out of rage.

"Why shouldn't I? Or are you the only one who gets to be with whom they're not supposed to be with?" I shot back.

"Okay, first of all, who says I'm not supposed to be with Alex? Secondly, just because you don't like him doesn't mean I can't be with him. You're not the one to tell me who I can and cannot be with," she cautioned, closing her eyes and softly biting her lower lip, probably to stop the tears from rolling down and also calm herself in the process.

I didn't care to calm myself. "Then don't talk to me about Mason!" I bellowed, agitated.

"What's wrong with you, Olly? Jess is just trying to-" Yadiri started but I didn't give her the chance to finish her next sentence.

"Oh, please shut up, Yadiri. No one asked for your opinion here," I rounded on her, irritated.

"Hey! Don't talk to her like that!" Jess scolded, a tear falling from her eyes. Jess always cries whenever she gets really mad. It was one way to tell that she had reached and exceeded her tipping point. "I swear to God, I will slap you if you do," she jabbed, sticking her finger at me.

"It's okay, Jess. Na me cause am," Yadiri said something in pidgin; broken English. She'd told us about it and sometimes used it on us but I could tell this wasn't meant to be funny.

"What is that? What did you say?" I asked with a scrunched up nose and a voice laced with irritation.

"Oh, I said it's my fault you feel you've the right to talk to me that way. I've been too available for you, I'm the one who is to blame here," she turned and started walking to the door.

The tone in which she said those few words bore so much hurt in them, I instantly felt regret for lashing out at her. She'd been there for me even when Jess was already pissed at me.

"Y-Yadiri, Yadiri, p-please wa-wait," I sputtered hastily, holding out a hand to get her to stop but she'd already reached the door.

"See you later, Jess. I'm going out with Aaron tonight. I'll be back around eight, or nine at most," she informed before holding down the handle of the door and walking out.

"Wait, wait please! I'm so sorry!" I shouted just before she shut it gently. She didn't even bang the door or storm out, despite how I'd spoken to her. "Oh God," I groaned in frustration, running my hands through my hair and rubbing my face, nearly pacing around. "Please tell her I'm-"

"Congratulations," Jess swiftly interrupted me. "You just made Yadi into an enemy, someone who has done absolutely nothing to you. Is that what you're doing now? Turning your friends into your enemies?"

"Jess, help me apologise to her, please. I didn't mean it," I begged, my facial expression softening.

"First Khalid, although it's not your fault, he's stupid, petty, and immature, then Mason, then me, and now Yadiri?" She ignored me and went ahead to list all my closest friends who'd turned into my enemies in a twinkle of an eye.

"I didn't mean to rage on her like that, Jess," I quavered, swallowing a sob. Just like Jess I'd begun to cry.

"You'll have to tell her that yourself. After all, I'm not the one who told her that her opinion was uncalled for," Jess tutted dismissively and began walking to the door.

"Are you leaving? Jess, please wait, I'm sorry. I'm just so confused and bothered right now, don't leave with this still in the air," I cried, sniffling.

"There's nothing in the air. I'm going to tell Mason everything and clear the air," she uttered softly before opening the door. "Oh, and happy birthday in advance," she finished and left, ignoring my attempts to get her to stop by screaming her name.

Shuddering and chattering my teeth, I let myself cry out loud. This conversation had gone so horribly wrong, I never imagined it would end this way. I hadn't even gone to Mason's and that made everything even more saddening.

All the joy and happiness I'd gained for myself over at Mako's place had dissipated completely and turned into the immense sadness I felt inside right now. I wasn't sure I still wanted Kevin over but the thought of him being around me was uplifting a bit, so him actually being around could help raise mood.

Walking around my room and putting things in place whilst shedding tears, I had to blink repeatedly to achieve a clear vision. I just wanted to stop, bury my face into my pillows, and cry till my heart's content. But I had to complete this, then take a shower to get my emotions under control once again.

After minutes of sluggishly tottering around, organising, my eyes had eventually stopped producing tears but the occasional sobs lingered. I was halfway done stacking my shoes back into the rack when a gentle knock was placed on my door, making my heart jog and skip beats.

A little voice in my head kept whispering the name of the person I thought it was, but the louder voice overshadowed it. The louder voice I'd created to kill all kinds of hope I still had for a happy relationship with said person.

There was also a voice telling me that it could be Kevin at the door, but there was no way it could've been him. He needed my permission, or anyone else's in Lighthouse, to be granted entrance into the dorm.

Swallowing and cleaning my eyes and face with my t-shirt, I approached the door and opened it. The gloomy face towering above my head jolted me into action, my reaction was instant.

Stepping back, I made to shut back the door but he held out his hand and stopped it. We struggled for a while and all my attempts were futile, he didn't even budge or move, so I gave up and scrambled away from the door so it wouldn't hit me in the face. He then let himself in and closed the door behind him.

"Hey," he greeted, standing by the door with his hands in his pocket.

I kept taking steps back because I needed to put a lot of distance between us, the same distance he'd created himself. I wanted to keep that standing for the sake of my sanity. Correction, being in the same room with him was already being too close, and my sanity was bleeding.

"What?" I spat plainly, not looking at him.

"I was hoping we could talk?" He answered in a composed manner, unperturbed and detached. He even looked slightly drunk.

"Talk?" I scoffed before laughing derisively at his statement, looking around like there was a crowd to laugh at the perceived joke with me. "You hoped wrong, stop hoping. No, we can't talk," I spurned, scowling at him.

"Olly, I just-" he began, taking steps towards me.

"Stop there," I commanded, gesturing with my index finger.

He obeyed and visibly twitched. Tightening his jaws, he continued, "I replied to your text on Thursday and told you we could talk on Friday but you didn't read it, you still haven't read it. I just want to get this off my chest," he explained, nimbly retrieving his hands from his pockets.

That meant he'd read and replied to my messages after I'd deleted WhatsApp from my phone. But what could he possibly type into one reply that would equal all he'd unintentionally put me through? Amongst everything he said though, one thing did pique my interest and I couldn't believe those string of words had just left his mouth.

"Get this off your chest?" I repeated it as a question, not caring for a reply. However, he did reply.

"Yeah, it's been weighing me down a little," he answered idly.

"Weighing you down? A little?" I let out another bitter laugh. Narrowing my eyes at him, I started, "Do you know how much your silence put me through? Do you know all I've had to endure and ignore since you slammed your stupid door in my face?!" I raved, yelling out every single word.

My heart pumped twice as fast, I could feel every vein in my body throbbing. The ringing in my ears louder than my own thoughts. For the stretch of time I felt this way I forgot how to breathe. Taking short raspy breaths which in no way filled my lungs, I just wanted to scream. Maybe if I screamed loud enough, louder than this ringing in my ears, then my mind would be clearer.

He ignored my initial command and walked towards me, taking a hold of both my arms in a failed attempt to calm me because as quickly as I felt his touch, I responded. I wanted that touch, I needed it. But this was poison. I would only be hurting myself even more if I allowed him to have his way. I refused to let the contact linger as the tip of his fingers grazed my bare arm.

Staggering a few steps back, I backed away from him. I thought I was going to hit the floor and maybe, just maybe, it would open and take me away from all the things I've been faced with lately.

"Oliver, please calm down," he begged, motioning with his hands. He kept a safe distance between us once again, he'd witnessed how erratic my response to his touch was.

Truly, I just wanted to crash into his chest and bawl my eyes out. But I was certain he didn't feel the same way I felt about him, I felt so much more than he did, and this realisation haunted me. I let myself fall too deep, even Rapunzel's hair couldn't pull me out.

All I could hear was his sweet, caring, and authoritative voice. Yes, the voice I fell for. The voice that got my emotions more messed up than they already were. I might seem cynical by saying this but I've always built tall brick walls surrounded by worthy knights to guard my heart, but this boy standing right in front of me just strolled right through them and made his way into the gates.

"I'm calm, honestly. This is my best at being calm in a situation like this. I'm not mad or angry, I'm just sad and tired, the sadness is eating me away, rendering all the effort I've put into self-improvement futile," I spoke through the heavy lump in my throat.

Tears daring to run loose like water from a dam that had finally conceded to the pressure.

I felt the wet warmness as they trailed down my cheeks. Only this time, it was a bit different than the tears I'd just shed minutes ago. These were the same type of tears that used to wet my pillow almost every night back in highschool.

I entered the university with an open mind, deciding to leave my gloomy personality behind me. But even now, the decisions I'd made all went against me, my highschool demons stayed close, and now they were here in the university with me.

"I'm sorry for shutting you out the way I did. I had no idea it was going to hit you this hard, I had no idea you were going to take it this way. I just needed some time," he apologised, pleading with his eyes which he fixed on mine.

"You had no idea it was going to hit me this hard? You had no idea I was going to take it this way?" I shrieked with a surprised tone. "This is ridiculous," I voiced another bitter laugh, fully aware that I was doing a very bad job at being sarcastic. "How exactly did you expect me to take it? Do you perhaps think I don't have human feelings? Because it seems you don't. How on earth did you expect me to feel about having you shut the door in my face the day after I kissed you?!"

I thought I was done talking but more words seemed to escape my mouth, I wailed, "Every day I woke up hopeful ended with me being more depressed than I was the previous day," my voice trembled as a sob escaped my mouth, my face a constant stream of tears.

Flowing and flooding my eyes, they expressed exactly how I felt inside, I was immensely sad and confused. I truly have never felt this way before.

I hated this feeling. I needed it to stop, but it only got worse with him standing right in front of me.

"Like I already said, I'm really sorry," he apologised again with that same ugly voice devoid of every emotion. That didn't sound like him and it was a lot more infuriating than the fact he wasn't trying hard enough. "Jess said to talk to you but I don't think this conversation is getting us anywhere," he stated, taking a few steps forward which he decided against and just stood still.

He probably thought I was very likely to push him away again if he came any closer. I wasn't sure about that and I didn't care to find out. It was best that he kept a certain distance between us.

"Oh, typical Jess, of course she did," I said with a sarcastic laugh, wiping my face with the back of my hand but it remained wet. "And that's possibly the only reason you're here talking to me right now," I concluded.

"No, I really wanted to talk to you," he objected and for a split second, I saw a hint of sadness in his honey brown buds. "I saw all your messages on Thursday and I didn't know how to reply, I didn't know where to start from. So I left a short text, which I admit might've been stupid of me. But on Friday I saw you holding the hand of the same boy I saw you kissing some weeks ago. I honestly did not know how to react, I was confused," he elaborated, jutting his chin.

That was the much he'd said to me in a really, really long time and I was grateful. But I believed that I didn't care anymore. I refused to care any longer. No one gave him the right to waltz in and out of my life whenever he so pleased.

Whatever nuts kept my thoughts in place all came loose at once, because the next thing I said shocked me more than it shocked him.

"I need to stay away from you. You're not good for me-or my skin, as a certain friend of mine would say," I blurted out and a confused frown formed on his face, but I ignored it and continued. "Why do I feel the need to stay away from you? Well, it's because I've fallen in love with you. I'm not sure if this is love but these feelings are way too strong, and it just hurts to know that you'll never see me this way and I'm hurting-I'm hurting so much that I literally feel pain in my chest."

I stated all at once in between sobs, wiping the tears away again and pressing a hand to my chest. I was getting pissed at myself for not being able to bring myself to stop shedding tears.

He remained silent, not a single sound had come from him even after all I'd revealed to him. Maybe it was too much for him to understand, just like the kiss. Maybe I was throwing things at him and moving at a pace faster than he could follow. Or maybe he just didn't care enough to try to understand.

My eyes were heavy with tears and blurred by black dots. I couldn't even spare a glance at him, but I eventually brought myself to. His expression was vague and hollow. His eyes unwavering and fixed on me, I couldn't deduce anything at all from his honey brown eyes that once had my legs feeling like jelly and my head spinning clockwise at the speed of light.

You've done it this time Oliver, I thought.

For a millisecond, I felt like I'd just made the worst mistake in human history by confessing my feelings to him. But from where I stood at the very moment, I couldn't manage to care. I'd been through so much already because of him.

"I-I don't really understand," he spoke after a long while of just staring, stuttering just a little. He held onto his straight face and tried to not portray any emotions.

"What don't you understand? The fact that I kissed you or the fact that I kissed you because I like, or maybe, love you?" I shot back, glaring at him.

"But the other bo-" he stopped himself and puckered his lips to stop himself from saying anymore words.

"The other what? Talk!" I ordered, screaming and trying my best to intimidate him with the pitch of my voice. But it didn't work, not even in the slightest of ways. "You're here to talk, aren't you? So why aren't you talking right now?"

His gaze stayed on me for another short minute before his eyes flickered to the floor, looking down at his feet, and then back up, then at everywhere possible but at me.

"I need to go," he turned and started strolling to the door.

My ears must've been playing games with me because that was definitely not what he was supposed to be saying, let alone actually doing. My eyes must've been playing games with me as well. Hell, reality was playing games with me!

"Are you kidding me? Tell me you're fucking kidding," I forced a shaky laugh out of my throat with my cries. He didn't stop, he just continued to the door. "Fine then! Get the fuck out of my room and out of my life as well! It's not like I need you, anyway. I never needed you! Maybe I thought I did but that's all over now! Go to hell for all I care!" I bellowed behind Khalid who didn't stop or spare a second to take one last glance at me.

Khalid opened the door and left without saying another word to me. He left me all alone and by myself to weep for and to my sorrowful self. I truly felt sorrowful and miserable at the moment. In less than an hour I'd lost all the people that actually cared about me.

Screaming and bawling loudly into my hands like a child, my knees wobbled and my calves grew weak, pushing me forward to fall on my knees. I continued crying, each passing second I felt a lot worse than I did the previous second.

I spent a good ten minutes on my knees with my head on the floor, cushioned by my hands which were completely wet with my tears. Now I knew what a complete mess truly felt like, and I hated it. I hated that I'd fallen too deep and too hard for Khalid. I hated that I hadn't stopped for a minute to think about the aftermath of that illogical decision. I hated that Jess was right and I'd been playing Mason. Whether I was doing it knowingly or unknowingly, she was still right.

Lifting my ragged, mess of a self from the floor of my room, I rushed to my phone with resolve. I couldn't stay here any longer. I needed to be far away from here, three hours away to be exact. I needed to go back home. I'd seen enough. I'd managed enough. I'd swallowed enough for a day. I needed a break.

Now was the time for me to take that very much needed break.

Picking up my phone, I swiftly unlocked it and dialed my mum's number. It rang a couple of times before she finally answered.

"Hello, darling. I was just about to call you, your birthday is in a few-"

"Mum, I'm coming home," I announced, sniffling and interrupting her. I wasn't in the right mood to put up with her chirpy ramblings.

"Wha-What?" She stuttered, her tone falling and turning worried. "Is everything alright, love? You don't sound so good."

"No-yes! I mean yes, everything is fine. I just want to come back, I don't feel so good," I lied, swallowing a sob.

The last thing I wanted was for my mum to notice me crying, she would most definitely blow a gasket and arrive here in a new world record.

"Good lord! Why did you have to wait until now to tell me about this?! How serious is it? You know what, nevermind. Just come back home," she concluded after beating around the bush all through. "You've enough money?"

"Yeah, I do. I'll take the bus," I squeezed my eyes shut and tears came streaming down both of them. I wasn't surprised, they never stopped gracing my cheeks with their warmness in the first place.

"Goodness no! There's no way you're going to take the bus. Board a cab which will bring you straight home and right in front of our porch," she objected, giving me new orders instead.

"Okay, mum," I answered, relieved. I hadn't even thought about that.

"Are you sure you've enough money for a cab?" She worried again, her voice soft and slightly shaky. I hated that I'd gotten mum this worried but it wasn't entirely my fault, she was so easily scared and always feared the worst.

"Yes, I do," I answered for the second time, swallowing.

"You know what, it's getting late. Start coming back. When you get back I'll pay the cab driver myself."

"Okay," I murmured, "I'll hang up now," I announced and hung up.

Biting my bottom lip, I spent a few minutes looking around my room while standing at a spot. I'd almost finished arranging and now I was about to leave everything behind.

Recalling the reason why I had to organise my room in the first place, I unlocked my phone and dialed Kevin's number. He answered on the first ring.

"Hello, Olly, I'm about to leave my dorm room now. Don't murder me," he answered from the other end, ruffling sounds were audible which proved he was telling the truth.

Staying here with him would've helped, maybe. Spending my birthday here with just him might've been what I needed but knowing that the girls and Khalid-the most important people I needed around me on Sunday-probably wouldn't want to be around me on my day just broke me.

If Jess goes ahead to tell Mason all she has in mind then he probably wouldn't want to be around me either. I needed to escape from all of these.

"Kev, don't bother coming anymore," I spoke up after a few seconds and I could tell that instantly killed his high spirits because the ruffling sounds came to an abrupt end.

Unlike when I was talking to mum, I didn't try too hard to keep the sadness out of my voice while talking to Kevin, so he most definitely picked it up.

"Okay?" Was the only thing he said, putting it as a question.

"I'm really sorry. I don't mean to offend you and I'm really sorry for bothering you, but I'm going home this weekend. I can't stay here any longer," I sniffled, cleaning my eyes.

"Okay?" He muttered again, confused. "Is it for your birthday?"

"Yes-no, yes. It's not..." I sighed, rubbing my eyes and pacing around my room. "I just can't stay here any longer. I'm going home for the weekend, I'll be back by Sunday or Monday-I'm not sure."

He was silent for some time, I had to call his name twice to make him respond to me again.

"You know you can talk to me if something is wrong, right?" He let out softly.

"Yeah, of course, Kev, I know. I know," I answered hastily, a bit insincere, I must add.

"No, really, I'm being dead serious, Olly. I don't want us to be just school friends who help each other with assignments and topics they don't understand, I want us to be real friends who share their secrets with each other no matter how personal they might be," his voice came out soft and somewhat worried.

His words hit me differently. I liked everything about Kev, at least all that he'd shown me, but this new concerned side of him that he was showing me was beautiful. I was grateful, really grateful.

"Thank you, Kev, really. Thank you so much, but I've to go now. I'll call you when I get home, okay?" A weak smile tugged at my lips and I didn't even try to fight it.

"Sure, do call," he replied then hung up.

I put my phone back into my pocket, grabbed my wallet and the bag I'd taken to Damian's. Thankfully, I hadn't unpacked it yet, so I just threw it over my shoulders, grabbed the rest of the things I needed and left my room, making sure to lock it.

There was enough chocolate in the bag for the weekend because I'm sure mum wouldn't let me buy. Sprinting down the hallway to the elevator, I sped out of the dorm.

I was going home. I needed to go home. Lighthouse wasn't what it used to be anymore, at least to me it wasn't.

* * *

AN: you can play the song now if you haven't played it already.

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