Question: which animal would you refer to as your spirit animal?

Answer: I'd say a bear? Because I can work/study ceaselessly for so long then hibernate for the rest of the month/week. What about you?

Chapter 34 - Needing Him.

Oliver

He answered on the first ring. Ruffling sounds were audible from the other end. I assumed he was trying to get in the best position but didn't want to take too long to answer my call.

"Oh hello Olly, you called me. That's a big surprise. What's up? What's happening over there?" He said all at once, notifying me of his presence.

I sniffled while wiping my eyes and nose the same time, I looked like a mess, I felt like a mess. I needed someone to hold me and stop me from feeling like complete dross. 

"He-hello Mason, I'm sorry I don't call often," I quavered, my voice shaky and failing me completely, giving away all the sadness I felt. "And I'm sorry I'm calling you at a time like this I just—" my speech was punctuated by a handful of sobs and loud cries. 

Mason cut me short before I could display any more sadness through the phone.

"Hold on a minute, Olly? Are you crying?" He asked hastily, his voice deepening with concern.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry that the first time I'm calling you in a really long time I sound like a charity case," I cried uncontrollably. He had already figured out that I was crying so trying to stop myself wasn't useful anymore. I just let loose.

"What's the matter? Did something happen? I'm coming over right now," he concluded, desisting from asking anymore questions and coming to see for himself.

This was one of the reasons I chose to call Mason; I knew he would come get me. I didn't try to protest, I didn't try to dissuade him from coming. I just continued crying and managed to utter a simple hum, signalling that I heard what he'd said. 

"Where's Jess? Is she with you? Is she even around?" Although he had already decided to come see for himself, his curiosity still got the best of him and he kept throwing questions that I had no answers to.

"I-I… she," I stuttered through sobs. Lumps blocking my throat and making it a tad bit difficult to breathe.

"Ugh, I'm sorry about my unending stream of questions," he groaned. "I'm already in my car, I'll be with you in a minute." With that he hung up.

He chose to talk less on the phone so he could arrive faster and I was glad that he did. I was tired of talking, tired of using my voice. I just wanted someone to offer physical emotional support to me. 

Mason arrived in less than ten minutes. Despite all his trials to get me to speak up I refused to. He eventually gave up on sitting on the issue, respecting my decisions, but he never left. 

I kept crying for as long as I can remember, finally falling asleep in his arms. Waking up, I noticed it was pretty dark now but he was still with me, sitting at the other side of my bed and watching me sleep. 

"Hey there," he muttered softly, going for my hair and combing it with his fingers. 

"Hey," I sniffed and tried to sit up but he stopped me and brought me to lay my head on his lap, while he continued fondling my hair reassuringly. 

"What happened back there? You got me so scared," he leant down and whispered softly to me. His warm breath grazed my ear and sent an icy-hot thrill down my spine. 

I visibly shivered. I was way over at the wrong end of my emotions to feel embarrassed at the moment. Moreover there was no need to feel embarrassed around Mason, he would stay no matter what. 

Knowing him, the fact that his little actions could trigger such a reaction from me would definitely make him feel so satisfied. 

"I-I… today was," I sighed audibly and sobbed again. I'd been crying  ceaselessly for so long I surmised I might've run out of tears by now, but it seemed I was wrong because the second I remembered my current predicament my eyes began to sting and my heart felt as heavy as a rock. Sinking down into my stomach.

"It's okay if you still don't want to talk about it," he consoled, keeping up with the action he was carrying out on my hair.

Squeezing my eyes shut, I took in a cleansing breath of air which was noticeably pungent with Mason's inviting scent. Letting it all out at once, I fluttered my eyes open and hoped to not end up crying again, at least not immediately. 

Obviously I couldn't tell Mason the truth, I couldn't bring myself to tell him the truth that I had kissed someone else and they had turned me down, and that's the reason I called him to come be with me. I couldn't tell Mason that the feelings which I should've been trying my best to direct towards him were thrown into someone else's hands and they dropped it to the floor. 

I couldn't tell Mason that I'd fallen so deeply for someone else, and bringing myself to feel a quarter of those emotions for him was a lot more difficult than I thought. 

Knowing all the things I couldn't tell him and writing them down on a pink note in my head, I did, however, have to give him a reason why he had to drive all the way here on such short notice. 

He deserved a decent reason at least. That was the much I could give him at this point.

"I think I just had an emotional breakdown," I finally brought myself to mutter a half-truth. "The emotional and mental stress of school and the things surrounding it finally got me and I lost my cool. You were the only one I could think of to call, so I did. I'm sorry if I bothered you." 

"Sssh," he shushed me, pausing his action on my hair. "Don't apologise," he whispered very close to my ear again. 

However, I didn't shudder this time. The skin around there had adapted to the warmth of his kind words. 

"I'm grateful you called me, and I'm even more grateful for being the first person who came to your mind. You don't know how happy that makes me," he chuckled softly, digging his fingers back into my hair. 

"Thank you," I murmured, swallowing the lump of guilt that had rapidly formed in my throat.

We remained like that a little longer, Mason never stopped offering physical emotional support by fondling with my hair. He delivered just as much as I expected him to, maybe even more. 

"I would've loved to stay the night but I've early lab experiments tomorrow morning and I'm not done gathering my specimen. Had to put that on hold because you're way more important," he finally spoke up after sometime, announcing his much dreaded departure.

"No it's completely fine, you should go. It's getting really late," I sobbed and unwillingly brought myself to sit up from his laps. 

"I think it's already, really late," he joked, looking around my room. "You don't have a wall clock?" 

"I'll get one soon," I groaned. That has always managed to skip my mind. 

Retrieving his phone from his pocket he turned on the screen and his eyes grew wide at the time. 

"Woah," he babbled, chucking softly at whatever the time was. "It's 10:30PM already," he exclaimed softly, putting the phone back into his pocket and climbing down from the bed. 

"If it's too late you could stay the night, I promise you it's fine," I mentioned, trying my best to keep eye contact with him. 

"Unless you can't stay alone and you really want me to, if not, I really should get going. These parts of school are relatively safe… Not relatively, it's actually safe. Well, relatively as well because there are places going back to would be mad risky by this time of the night. My off campus dorm isn't so far from lighthouse anyway," he reassured me, walking around to stand in front of me who had reluctantly gotten down from the bed a few seconds ago. "You'll be fine, right?"

"I guess so," I muttered, trying my very best to hold eye contact with him. I found it difficult to ignore the  

way my conscience kept screaming at me. 

"You will be," he asserted, pulling me into a hug and burying my head in his chest. "Just call me whenever, just like you did today. To be honest the rush was hot, on your side that is. I loved the way you made me tense with only a few words," he giggled a little at the last part.

I did giggle as well, but god knows it wasn't sincere. I wasn't being transparent with him.

Soon, very soon, I told myself.

***

It had been three days since Khalid shut the door in my face and sent me away. Each passing day, I sunk deeper into depression, despite having Mason offering as much support as he could.

That was the last day he came over, he'd been too busy with school and I forced him to pay more attention to school and not my pitiful self.

I hadn't stopped crying since then, my sleep-crying had peaked and my eyes were tired yet they still produced tears. 

The last three days were spent only in my room. I'd missed school for three good days, but it wasn't completely my fault. I wasn't in the right state of mind for school. If I had attended lectures it would've been a colossal waste of my time because I'd been blanking out too frequently lately and I still hadn't stopped crying, even my glasses didn't aid my vision. It remained blurry, keeping my eyes open got a lot harder but that didn't deter me.

Shirley and Kevin came around yesterday after lectures to check up on me since I simply told them that I was feeling a bit under the weather. We spent the rest of the afternoon together, they left around half past five because they had to make it back to the dorms on campus before six. 

Shirley had tried her best to make me feel better while Kevin— being the nerd he was— made sure to bombard me with notes and complaints about how much I have missed in school. It only showed that he truly cared, but in more ways than one. 

Jess and Yadiri, however, had been my eyes and legs in the outside world since then. I had only left my room once and that was when I went to the supermarket to get more chocolates for myself, I made sure to get as much as possible at once. I could tell I looked like a wannabe madman because I wore casual clothes and I didn't even care to take care of myself before stepping out. 

I plainly told the girls that I had the talk with Khalid and he hated that I kissed him, so he doesn't want to talk to me ever again. I didn't have the energy to go into details of how he literally banged the door on me and yelled at me to leave. 

These past few days I'd watched over ten series, all the seasons of vampire diaries included, binged at inhuman speed. I didn't care that my eyes were practically pleading with me to stop, I simply wore my glasses over them and forced myself. 

Chris had checked up on me a day after seeing me crying, I came up with a simple lie— which I'm sure he didn't buy— and told him I was feeling a bit sick when he asked why I hadn't been going to school. 

The whole situation was sadly funny, I had fallen blindly for Khalid while Mason had been staring and waiting for me all this while. I'd tried my best to stop thinking about Khalid by texting frequently with Mason and keeping my head blank, but every single time the thought of him waltzed into my head, dominating. 

I needed something bigger, something more effective to stop thinking about Khalid. Someone, maybe. And I knew just the person I needed for this. I'd talked with Mason this morning and we decided that I would come over to his dorm and spend the whole weekend with him before returning to lighthouse. 

Hopefully I would be 'healthy' by then, he said. 

Just like I told everyone else, I had told him that my emotional breakdown had led to me being sick. I'd tried my best to keep the tears out of my voice whenever he called. If only he knew the real reason. Jess and Yadiri were the only ones who knew what was going on with me emotionally and my situation with Khalid. 

I was lying lazily in bed, binge watching seasons two and three of Attack on Titan simultaneously. It was almost evening, Jess and Yadiri were supposed to be back. They'd been feeding me since then as I couldn't even try to cook anything for myself, the only thing I could get for myself was chocolate, and I was getting just enough of it… from my table. 

I heard a key clicking inside the keyhole in my door and I knew just who it was. I'd given Jess and Yadiri a spare key to my room because I didn't want any unwanted guests— Casper for example— to come see me. I also did not have the energy to always get up from my bed and attend to the door whenever they knocked, so I solved that problem by giving them a spare key. 

The lock was turned two complete times before clicking open and the door was gently pushed back, revealing Jess, and Yadiri behind her. 

"Hey there heartbroken lover boy," Jess teased as they walked well into the room, closing the door properly.

"If you keep saying that it's going to stick," I warned her, not taking my eyes away from my laptop screen for even a minute. I didn't care to look at them.

I'd been seeing their faces the most these last few days anyway.

"You've been spending so much time on your laptop. I hope you know that you're just piling up school work for yourself," Yadiri mentioned joining me on the bed. "Oh Attack on Titan," she gushed, pleased at the animé I was watching. "I so can't wait for the fourth season of this."

I tried to hide my shock and sent her a deadpan look instead.

"What? I've seen a few animé, Attack on Titan is one of them. I can't get over how beautifully written it is and how perfect the graphics are," she admitted, resting her jaw on my shoulder and watching from behind me. 

"That's a surprise, Jess here doesn't fancy animé at all," I replied dryly after some time.

"Yeah, it's one of those things she needs a little push for. Hopefully when you become authoritative enough you can force her to try it out," she snickered and I simply scoffed. 

"I'm authoritative," I stated plainly. 

This time she scoffed and clucked her tongue. "Sure you are," her tone was questionable, she didn't believe me. "The fourth season is going to be the last season, right?"

"Last season of what?" I asked absentmindedly.

"Attack on Titan," she crowed in disbelief, tapping me gently. "That's literally what we're talking about."

"Oh yeah it's going to be, A and B. Season four B will be the last part."

"Still the fourth season," she noted. 

All this while Yadiri and I talked about animé— something Jess gave no care in the world for— she just sat on my desk chair, watching me. I didn't turn to look at her though but I knew she had a profound look of disapproval gracing her facial features. 

"You look like a mess, Oliver." Jess finally voiced her thoughts after a long while of scrutinising me from a distance. 

"I know that, thank you," I replied indifferently. 

"When last did you shower?" She asked. 

"I can't remember," I answered truthfully. Thinking about it, I truly couldn't remember. I guess the last time I took a bath and brushed my teeth was the last time Mason was here, which was the last day I went to school, but I wasn't certain so I didn't add that last part. 

"When last did you leave this room?" She threw another question at me with a displeased tone in her voice. 

"The last time I went out to buy chocolates."

"And when last did you shower?" She repeated her first question. 

"Ummm, long before that?" I mused, getting a bit uncomfortable with the way she decided to expose me. 

"Okay that's it, I'm having none of this," she nagged to herself before walking over to the other side of my bed and snatched my laptop away from me.

"Hey," I protested, sending her a look.

"Yeah why did you do that, Levi was talking. That man is so hot," Yadiri supported me but Jess sent her a glare and she kept quiet.

"You're gonna take a shower right now. I can't have you looking like a mess and turning into a grandpa just because someone, who doesn't deserve you in the first place, rejected your offer of love," she scolded but I demurred on my bed. 

"I don't want to," I argued.

"Well, sorry honey, but you don't have a choice. You're gonna shower or no dinner for you tonight, I'll make sure of that," she stated firmly. "And don't think Yadiri is going to save you," she added. 

"I'm going over to Mason's tomorrow, then I'll take a shower, for now animé and laziness. So please give my laptop back," I informed, holding out my hand, opening my palm, and asking for it. 

She shut it and walked back to my desk, placing it on my reading table which was as disarranged as it could ever be. My whole room was disarranged. I'd basically turned into an aspiring human-pig these past few days. 

My eyes followed her as she went along with this action, and I sat up. Yadiri did as well.

"We're not waiting till then. Look at your face, you've chocolate stains all over and I'm sure you've not brushed your teeth either. They'll turn brown and you'll get holes, you don't want that now, do you?" She lectured, folding her arms in front of her chest. 

"No," I muttered admittedly.

"And let's not forget the part where you don't get any food tonight if you don't shower. So now, obey and oblige," she advised, wearing a proud smile on her face. 

"Obey and oblige," I grumbled to myself, sighing and crawling down to sit at the edge of my bed. 

I was in the same boxers and t-shirt I'd been wearing for the past three, four days. 

"And this thing about going over to Mason's, when was it fixed?" She finally inquired about what I'd been expecting her to be curious about. I silently hoped she wouldn't bring up difficult topics at this point. 

"This morning. He said he has been too busy with school so I could come over for the weekend and he'll make up for it," I replied as swiftly as I could. 

"You're spending the entire weekend at his place?" 

"It seems so," I snorted. Looking at the girls to find out if they were disgusted by the awful sound I'd just made, to my surprise… they were. No surprise there. 

"I hope this is not some… propaganda," she settled on the word, arching an eyebrow at me. "I hope you're not using Mason as a backup for your brokenhearted self," she finished, genuinely worried that I might be misleading him. 

Just like I expected, she said it. The one topic I wasn't ready to visit. Not now, and probably not until I was over this phase. 

"No it's not," I answered softly, looking down at my feet.

"Then I take it you've told him about what happened with Khalid then, and how much you like Khalid and not him?" She pressed on, getting on the last good nerves I tried to keep safe. 

"No Jess, no. I've not," I answered a bit sharply this time, turning to look directly at her. 

"Why haven't you?" 

"Because…" I trailed off. "just because," I settled on that, my voice had lost its pitch and I took my gaze back to my feet. 

"Mason doesn't deserve what you're about to do to him," she mentioned, throwing the intentions, which I wished I didn't have, at my face. 

"I'm not trying to do anything to him and I'm not using him as a backup. I'm just... I'm still checking."

"And you're going over to his place for the whole weekend? That's not 'just checking'," she air quoted, her hair bobbing somewhat messily as she ranted "that's misleading with really bright green lights."

"Jess please," I muttered under my breath, but just audible enough for them to hear.

"You can't push this aside. Honestly, I can't just sit and let you do this to the one person who has always been there for you, and who definitely doesn't deserve to be misled this way. That's…" she trailed off. 

Taking deep breaths to calm herself, she pinched the bridge of her nose before continuing, "You know what, I'm tired. Tell him when you're ready, but seriously I hope that's very soon. I know Mason, you've no idea of all the dreamy, cute things going on his head right now. Yes he's that cheesy," she directed the last part of her statement to Yadiri. 

I sighed and looked up at her. "I'll talk to him, I promise."

"Soon," she added. 

"And soon," I agreed. 

There was a few seconds of silence between us. Yadiri crawled towards me, kneeling on the bed just behind me and gently rubbed my shoulders, relieving me of stress with the action.

"See?" Yadiri spoke first, breaking the silence. "Oliver is a good boy, he has promised to talk to Mason in his own time and hopefully that time is pretty soon because my baby Mason is too much of a hopeless romantic for his own good," she joked, still working wonders on my shoulder. "Now please go shower, you stink a bit," she concluded, bringing her stress relieving action to an abrupt end and pushing me off the bed. 

"You don't have to say it like that," I whined. 

"Dude," she chuckled mockingly. "That's me being kind, you don't want me to get sassy with you about it, go wash and cleanse yourself," Yadiri finished, flicking her wrist in the direction of the bathroom and waving me away. 

"I'm gonna go finish up with dinner," Jess announced before pushing herself off my table and walking out without uttering another word. 

"Yeah I'll be right there with you," Yadiri called out just before she shut the door.

I could easily tell that Jess was bothered and a bit annoyed at me, I didn't need her sudden, erratic silence to prove that to me. She had a reason to be. Just like she always says, and I strongly believe, Mason deserves the truth and I'd been telling it to him… Until now. 

This one truth just needed to be kept a little longer. Hopefully with my efforts and spending the entire weekend with him, it would turn into a lie. 

"You're really gonna talk to Mason though, aren't you?" Yadiri spoke calmly after Jess had left and I was rummaging through the very few clean clothes I had left. 

"Yeah sure," I asserted shortly, looking up at her for a split second before taking my eyes back to my clothes. 

"You should." With that she got up and walked to the door. "Come over to our room when you're done taking a shower and brushing your teeth, we're not gonna bring your food here for you anymore. That's enough crying and loneliness for you, it's time to resurface and step out of your room once again," she convinced with a bright smile on her face. 

"Sure," I replied, quite pleased by the idea.

"Mhmm," she hummed. "You're gonna eat with us, then maybe we'll see a movie since tomorrow is Friday. God this week has been the worst, most hectic week ever," she groaned the complaint as she stepped out and shut the door. 

That just made me a lot more scared than I already was. I knew I had school work piling up for me, but hearing her complain just like everyone else— including Mason— was, made me shiver all over. 

Khalid had really made me turn into the worst version of myself. 

I took a really long shower, I specifically spent a lot of time shampooing my hair which mysteriously had chocolate entangled into it. I then proceeded to floss and thoroughly brush my teeth. Holding the mouthwash in my mouth for as long as necessary before spitting it out. My tongue still hurt a little, but given that I'd stopped biting for two days now, the pain wasn't maddening.

The pile of dirty clothes in my basket gave me the creeps. I couldn't wait to take them all to the dry cleaner's. 

Getting into clean clothes, I stood in front of my mirror, staring at my reflection which had very visible dark circles. I had very visible dark circles. Aside from that, I felt clean, I felt fresh, but this was just outwardly. Inwardly I felt like a shameless reject. 

At least I was Khalid's reject, so that made me a reject even if it's just to him. 

Despite forcing myself to, I couldn't bring myself to dislike Khalid, let alone bear actual hatred towards him. I hadn't even been helping my case in that aspect, I still texted him like a toxic ex who doesn't want to let go. 

Taking a deep breath and shaking my head, attempting to rid myself of these thoughts— I only struggled to push them aside and that was fine by me. I left the bathroom, got my keys, and headed straight to Jessica's room. 

***

Being back in my room after a really long night of good food, chips, and Frozen 2 with the girls, I stripped down to my comfortable, house attire and jumped into bed. 

I wasn't sure of the time but I was sure I just wanted to sleep. I didn't have plans of going to school the next day which was Friday. The week was already wasted so I might've as well just enjoyed it properly. 

The thought of going to Mason's place tomorrow had me feeling a bit giddy, but it in no way got rid of the most dominant thought in my head. 

Khalid Obé.

Why did he hate me so much? Why did he reject me the way he did? Why did he chase me away like that?

So many questions, no answers. I'd even tried to talk to him on WhatsApp but he seemed to have rejected me there as well. He didn't block me or delete my number, he did, however, turn off his read receipts. 

Everytime I sent a text it would just deliver and that would be the end of it. It was either he'd turned off his read receipts and was furtively checking my messages, or he was blatantly ignoring them. Hence the reason they had only the double tick and not the blue. 

Even when he was online, the second I sent a text he would disappear and that would be the end of him for the entire day. This had happened a few times. 

I picked up my phone from my bedside table and went straight to his chat box. I'd unpinned it yesterday in an endeavour to force myself to hate him, pinning Mason's chat instead. But here I was; scrolling past Mason's chat and going all the way down to his which I had archived in the heat of the moment. 

Checking all the unread messages I had sent and the way they had evolved the past few days made a ghostly, weak smile form on my lips. 

Me
Khalid please I know you're mad but please don't hate me. I didn't mean to kiss you, I would undo it if I could. Please don't push me away from you, you're the best thing that has happened to me since I came to Denberg.

Please reply, I'm begging you. Your silence is killing me inside.

Those were from the very first day it had happened, after Mason had left so late in the night. 

Me
Khalid I swear I'm not myself, I'm slowly losing my sanity. If only you could please talk to me. 

I'm not a disgusting gay as you might think I am, I don't even know why I kissed you. Please give me one chance to explain myself, one last chance is all I ask of you. 

If throwing our friendship out the window isn't taking a toll on you, well, it's taking the universe out of me. I'm slowly becoming a shadow of myself, I haven't been this sad since highschool. You're the reason I got better please Khalid, please. 

I'm sad Khalid, please help me. Please just talk to me, it's all I'm asking for. Please Khalid. Please. Just one last chance to explain myself. 

Those were from Tuesday, spanning from morning to night, all ignored/not read. At that point I had already lost my mind albeit Mason had been there for me as much as he could, despite being insanely busy with school.

Me
My chest hurts, even more every passing day you don't talk to me and I think I'm going to give up. Please Khalid, you were, and still are, a very big part of my life. I can't lose you. 

You don't have to like me back, I might be disgusting to you but please, please I'm begging you, please talk to me. Say something please. 

I've been crying so much lately, you might hate a weak young man like me but this is just the way I am: emotional. And right now you're the one string tugging at my heart, please don't move too far away as that would hurt so much. 

Khalid I see you online, please talk to me, please. 

Okay you've gone off, maybe you want to sleep, that's fine. I should sleep too, maybe. But please reply to me in the morning. 

It's morning and no reply from you, I'll just say it. I regret kissing you and I'm very sorry. I won't blame it on alcohol as that would be shifting the blame and not taking responsibility for my actions. I just want you to know that I'm deeply regretful and sorry. 

Curse me. Hate me. But please don't push me away, I don't think I can survive like that. It's still too early for me to lose a friend like you in the university. 

Those were from Wednesday— yesterday— and this morning. I let out a humourless laugh and wiped a tear that had escaped my eyes and started trickling down to my ears. 

This was how desperate I'd been over the space of three days. Another humourless laugh escaped my mouth but this time it turned into a sob and I brought myself to start typing.

Thursday, 11:43PM
Me
I've tried everything I can to get you to talk to me. I'm not asking for forgiveness, I'm just asking that you give me a listening ear, but you've denied me of that. I'm not going to hurt myself any longer by holding on to you, it seems we've lost whatever friendship we had. This now is a lost cause so I'm going to force myself to move on from this friendship. 

And yes I keep calling it friendship because I'm fine with it being just that, but it seems you can't permit me to get that little piece so this is it. A tear-filled goodbye, if you please. 

Sorry if I'm being a bit poetic, that must be disgusting to you, I guess. Anyways, tell Alex I said hi. Goodnight and goodbye. 

I managed to type all of that with a blurry vision, fighting through the black dots which danced around my eyes and made me feel lightheaded. I'd been crying so much I feared I might actually fall sick. 

Rereading that, I noticed I sounded incredibly childish and irrational in some parts but that was how I truly felt, I was simply pouring myself out to him.

He came online the very second the last message delivered. My heart momentarily stopped and so did my breathing, I held it in anticipation for a reply. Seconds passed and eventually a minute and the blue tick didn't even appear. 

The next thing I knew he went offline. 

Getting off WhatsApp and deleting the app right that instant, it took everything in me to stop myself from biting down on my tongue again. It was finally starting to heal, I didn't want to open it up again. 

Letting out the breath I'd held captive in my lungs, I sent Mason a quick goodnight text with a few suggestive words, threw my phone across the bed and cried myself to sleep… again.

That was going to be the last night I would cry over Khalid, at least I thought so. I wanted it to be the last, I was divinely tired.