Fact: the heads of the family of tranquilers told me to add a picture of Sam, so there you go! That's Sam up there. ^^ Is he hot now or is he still pervy? XD

Chapter 33 - Bleeding and Falling Apart.

Oliver

Sprinting straight to my room, I opened the door and got in. Instantly falling face flat on my bed, I cried softly into my pillow.

I still hadn't spoken with Khalid and I probably wasn't going to talk with Khalid ever again. I had ruined it, just like I ruined half of the friendships I would've had in highschool, I'd made a mess of the one good thing that had happened to me in Denberg. 

He did say 'not now' but that was just a kind way of saying 'stop talking to me'. I know it was. 

After spending hours crying softly into my pillow, I pounced on my emotional support: chocolate. Thankfully, I remembered to send the pictures to the group chat but I lazily left my own work unfinished. Having no zeal at all to complete it, I went to bed without having dinner.

Just before I was drawn into the darkness that was my unconsciousness, Mason called me a couple times but I ignored. Minutes later my phone started buzzing with notifications, picking it up I ignored all of Mason's messages and went straight to send a series of texts to Khalid, and he wasn't even online.  

My phone kept making annoying sounds with the entry of new messages from Mason and random, spam group chats. I got annoyed and turned it off.

The fact that Khalid had said 'not now' had to mean something, anything. I wasn't sure what but I was determined to hold on to that, I needed to hold on to that. It was the only thing I could hold on to now given the fact that he'd chosen to give me the silent treatment. 

Warm tears kept trailing down my face and soaking into my pillow even when I'd already fallen asleep. I continued biting down on my tongue and punishing myself for making the worst mistake known to man; kissing Khalid. 

Waking up the next morning, my face was wet and my eyes were puffy and bloodshot. I had had an intense case of sleep-crying the previous night, and there was only one reason behind this. 

Surprisingly, I had woken up early, but that was only because I had forced myself to fall asleep before 10PM. Looking at my reflection in the mirror while brushing my teeth I was actively considering skipping lectures today.

My emotions were all over the place; I was confused, I was terrified, I was deeply regretful, and worst of all I had just found out that the person I'd blindly fallen for had never for once thought of me in that direction. 

Khalid had done a good job turning me into a turbulent sea of emotions. I was confused because his words spoke less than a mind boggling riddle, terrified because I was at the verge of losing a very good friend. I was deeply regretful for kissing Khalid, and felt incredibly stupid for ever thinking that was going to get me the answers I was looking for.

Amongst all, nothing hurt more than the fact that the one time I'd truly fallen in love with someone it was plastic, fake, and intangible.

Spitting the toothpaste out, my saliva was a bright red. My tongue was bloody— and still bleeding— but I kept on biting and punishing myself. The pain made my eyes sting but I didn't stop.

My dim spirit had made me demur in every action I carried out, this made Jess and Yadiri almost drive to school without me. They knew something was wrong, they'd asked a few times but I answered dismissively with a simple "I'll be fine". 

Jess would've forced it out of my mouth but there wasn't time for that in the morning, so I knew I was ineluctably going to tell them about everything that had happened right from Friday night/Saturday morning to Sunday evening. 

My aura in school was a groggy grey. I could tell I was a mood killer, I didn't even say a word to Chris who sat with us during first period, it was the one lecture we shared on Mondays. I was insecure and paranoid, this made me avoid anyone close to Khalid— who wasn't Khalid. Chris was a perfect example, they were roommates and cousins.

Despite trying my very best— to exaggerate on the extent of my effort— to not let Shirley and Kevin take notice of my sour mood, they did and showed concern by throwing questions at me. All of which I brushed off with a simple "I'm fine". But I wasn't fine, I was slowly breaking down. I hadn't known Khalid had made such a huge impact on me, until me. 

I was distrait during the other two lectures we had. Shirley and Kevin tried their best to make jokes and get me to spill the beans but my lips remained sealed. I couldn't lose them as well, I just lost Khalid, or maybe I was yet to lose him but it sure felt like I'd lost him already. 

I languidly waved them goodbye, I wasn't joyful enough to expend energy into an excited wave. They reluctantly waved back, hesitant about leaving me to walk back to my dorm alone. 

They didn't have to worry though, I wasn't suicidal. Maybe I hadn't gotten to that point yet, but I knew deep within myself that I couldn't take my own life. 

Getting back to my dorm I literally skipped through the shortest hallway to my room, I didn't want to set my eyes on anyone. Not Mako, not Justin, not even Khalid, and definitely not Alex. 

I had a quick warm shower and changed into comfortable clothes, plopping down on my bed with a distressed sigh. I was hungry but I didn't have the appetite for anything except chocolate, so that's all I ate. 

Spending time on my laptop watching LGBTQ short films on YouTube, I found myself crying again, silently this time though. I wasn't wailing like the like time. Watching sad/happy gay stories on YouTube wasn't doing myself any good, but I just couldn't bring myself to stop. 

Undeterred by the fact that I wasn't all too sure of my sexuality and I wasn't keen on accepting the idea of being anything but bi-curious, I always watched these kinds of films every once in a while.

This was the perfect time to submerge myself into my emotions. Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't, but then it would be just one more bad decision I had made since I started at Denberg. 

On my twelfth short film a knock was placed on my door once before it was gently pushed open, revealing two worried faces; Jess's and Yadiri's. 

"Hey there lover boy," Jess uttered quietly, walking well into my room and joining me on the bed. 

Yadiri carefully shut the door and joined us as well. 

I was forced to sit up and rest my back on the headpost with my laptop in my laps just on top of the covers. I was seated in the middle of the two girls now, Jess sat at my left while Yadiri sat at my right hand side. 

It was glaringly evident that I'd been crying, I was still crying. If they hadn't noticed my puffed, bloodshot eyes then my tears would've still given me away. 

A word hadn't left my mouth yet, I hadn't even responded to Jess's tease greeting.

"What's the problem Olly?" She— Jess— asked again, an obvious wrinkle had appeared between her eyebrows and she looked genuinely concerned. 

Sniffling I wiped my nose with my arm but it was messy. Yadiri got up and helped me fetch the handkerchief I directed her to. 

"Tell us babe, what's the matter? You were happy and all just some days ago, but ever since you texted me last night your mood has been quite off," she continued to worry, tenderly brushing my hair out of my face. 

I blew my nose into the handkerchief and stared at the snort with a scrunched up nose and squinted eyes. 

"That's nasty," Jess let out a quick chuckle, attempting to get me to smile but I just folded the handkerchief and hid it away. 

"Do you always examine your snort like that?" Yadiri chimed in hastily. It sounded like she really wanted to know. 

I turned to her and she took cognizance of the look of misery which tainted my appearance.

"God I'm sorry, pfft, stupid question. Nevermind," she apologised and speedily brushed it aside. 

Resting my head on the headpost with a very heavy sigh, a humourless laugh escaped my mouth. "What have I done," I muttered to myself, wiping a tear away from my eyes. 

"What did you do? What happened, Olly?" Jess carried my laptop away from my laps and examined what was on the screen. "Oh my God, you're watching these tragic short films again," she almost yelled, placing the laptop on my bedside table and closing it shut. "Something terrible must've happened," she noted to herself.

"What short films?" Leaning forward, Yadiri looked past me and directed the question to Jess.

"These sad LGBT short films on YouTube," she replied, plainly. She didn't want to dwell on the issue, she just wanted an answer from me.

"Oh," Yadiri voiced her realisation. "I've come across some of those, not all of them are sad," she replied shortly before turning to me. "Why are you watching the sad ones? What happened?"

Taking a deep breath, I opened my mouth to speak but I winced at the pain I felt at the side of my tongue. Swallowing my saliva which had the metallic taste of blood dwelling in it, I tried again. 

"I did something I shouldn't have done at the party," I took a break to stop myself from bursting into tears again but I failed. "I kissed Khalid during the party," I finished, sniffling.

The cat was finally out of the bag now. My vision was way too blurry to notice the shocked look on their faces, but I heard it in their voice.

"Oh my God," Jess gasped, leaning backwards to get a good look at me.

"Are you serious?" Yadiri asked a few seconds later. 

"Yes, yes I am. I kissed him during our matriculation party," I confirmed for her, sniffling and gently wiping away tears with the knuckle of my index finger.

"Is that the reason you're crying? Did he hurt you? Don't tell me he did something to you," Yadiri's voice deepened as she neared the end of her sentence. Her voice was tinged with concern and a little bit of anger, but mostly concern.

"No he didn't," I let out another humourless laugh when I realised he did the exact opposite of what she thought. "He didn't do anything to me, he didn't even say anything to me. Up till now all I've gotten from him is a "not now"," I finished, explaining further so she could understand. 

"What do you mean by a "not now"?" Jess asked this time, she seemed to have come out of her speechlessness. 

"I met him yesterday evening, after seeing Shirley and Kevin off, I met him at the balcony. I walked up to him to talk but you had to see the way he—" my voice broke and trembled as a sob escaped my mouth. "You had to see the way he talked back at me with so much disgust, and indifference, and probably hatred," I cried uncontrollably, sniffling and cleaning my nose with the handkerchief again.

The more I tried to stop myself from crying, the more I cried, and the more it hurt. My tongue hurt, my chest hurt, my head hurt, even my eyes hurt. The only time I'd stopped crying was when I was at school and even then I'd felt my eyes sting and itch with tears which threatened to fall at any time. 

"What exactly did you say to him and how exactly did he respond?" Yadiri asked calmly, placing a hand on my back and offering emotional support. 

"I didn't even get the chance to finish a sentence," I quavered, taking short breaths to calm myself. "I didn't even get the chance to say what I had in mind, although it was close to nothing. He just said he couldn't talk at the moment, insinuating that we leave it for another time," I related to her, expressing my confusion with the wave of my hands as I spoke. 

"But when did this happen, I mean when did you kiss him? I never saw that happen in the common area and I definitely did not sense a change in anybody's mood. Even Alex who was extremely high turned out to be good company at the party," Jess announced. 

"Good company," I scoffed and I could tell she was regretting adding that last part. 

Alex was the last person I wanted to think of. He was the last person I wanted to remember at a time like this because anytime he came to mind I automatically thought: he was right. 

"Is something wrong between you and Alex?" Jess frowned and leaned forward to get a good look at my face. 

"No. no, not at all," I lied. Jess seemed to have taken a liking to Alex, I didn't want to be the reason she would force herself to dislike him just because we weren't on the same page sometimes… Almost all the time.

"Okay, just asking because you always keep quiet whenever I mention Alex. I can tell you both are not best of friends, just wanted to make sure you're not actually fighting with him," she added and I simply disregarded everything she had just said. 

Yadiri seemingly noticed the tenseness in my jaws but she didn't say anything about it.

"So when did this happen? When did you kiss Khalid?" Jess repeated her question.

"It wasn't down in the common area, it happened here in my room," I informed, sniffing and sobbing gently.

"Oh," she tried her best to stifle her laughter but a muzzled laugh escaped her throat. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. God I laugh at the worst moments," she rambled under her breath. "I'm sorry but wait a minute, you brought him all the way up here from the party and kissed him?" She  wondered with a puzzled expression. 

"I didn't bring him all the way up here and kiss him," I corrected. "I came up to get a drink of water and he followed me because he thought I was too drunk to walk on my own, we were going to leave but I don't know what came over me and I kissed him. I guess the fact that I was tired of guessing and being in the dark pushed me into making the worst decision I've made in a long while," I concluded. 

Fortunately, I'd stopped crying but I didn't feel better even in the slightest of ways. If anything, analysing with the girls only made me more paranoid and put new dark ideas into my head. 

"Seems to me like he followed you intentionally," Yadiri shrugged, stating her own opinion.

"How did he react when you kissed him?" Jess asked, playing with my hand that was in hers. Yadiri still rubbed my back tenderly. I suppose their joint efforts to soothe my emotional pain was the reason I'd managed to stop crying. 

"He just pulled me away and…" I demurred in my speech, looking for the right term for his facial expression, "…and froze. He literally froze," I finished.

"There was no reaction from him? He didn't say anything to you, he didn't do anything to you, just nothing?" Jess kept the questions coming.

"Nothing, I think. He did start replying me dismissively and that was the last I saw of him for the rest of the party."

"I think he just needs time to process," Yadiri chipped in after a minute of silence. "If I'm not mistaken, I think you caught him completely off guard and he probably didn't expect it to happen like that; with you being drunk and all."

"Maybe," Jess approved, supporting the point Yadiri was trying to make. "But I also think he has had enough time to process. You tried to talk to him yesterday but he turned you away and look at you, you look as miserable as ever. He can't keep doing this to you, he needs to man up and talk to you about it. The suspense is hurting you more than it's hurting him, I'm sure," she argued further, looking at me with compassionate eyes. 

"It is killing me," I admitted, swallowing thickly. "But I can't do anything about it."

"Yes you can. You can and you will," she disagreed. 

"What can I do?" 

"I think you should talk to him," Jess suggested.

"Maybe text him? To be on the safe side and away from whatever tantrum he might throw," Yadiri added.

"I don't think he will reply to my text if he's not even talking to me in real life," I said with a fake giggle, recalling all the messages I'd sent to him while crying last night. They were still yet to be read. 

"Don't text him, talk to him. Maybe when you see him on the balcony again or you can walk up to his room, that's even better," Jess mentioned.

I took a few minutes to myself, considering the idea. Taking a deep breath and letting it all out in a rush, my shoulders slumped and I sunk deeper into my bed, alternatively known as depression.

"Can you do it?" Yadiri asked, sounding a bit more scared than worried about the outcome. 

"I can try, I will try. No, I'm definitely going to do it, I need to do it," I resolved, holding on to my thin string of determination and diminishing hope. 

"Thank God," they both sighed at the same time. 

"Thank you guys so much," I gushed, a weak smile forming on my face.

"Nah, don't thank us," Yadiri threw an arm over my shoulders and pulled me into a chokehold guised as a hug. 

"You're killing me," I strained, attempting to free myself.

"Oh sorry," she laughed and set me free. 

"It's fine, I needed a hug anyway. Just not a bone crushing hug," I joked. 

"So, you kissed Khalid," Jess started, grinning widely at me, "that means you're sure about the feelings you've for him then?" 

"I guess so," I mused, looking down at my hands. 

"I mean of course you're sure. Just a little silent treatment from him and you're breaking apart, that simply means you're in love with him," Jess concluded to herself. 

There was no need to respond, nor was there any need to argue. I just let her believe whatever she wanted to believe, it was pretty obvious anyway. The truth that I'd fallen so deeply for Khalid was one I accepted just a week ago myself.

Blinking and sniffling, I just waved off her deduction then she continued.

"So you're kissing Khalid and Mason is kissing you, what's up with that?" She finally threw her question as though I wasn't feeling guilty enough already.

My entire body stiffened and my jaws tightened, I was biting down on my tongue again and I could feel the taste of blood fill my mouth. 

"So?" She pressed on.

"Mhmm," I hummed, shaking my head from side to side. "Not now please."

"What do you mean 'not now'? Mason has made it obvious that he likes you, you've also made it obvious that you don't like him by kissing Khalid. Why don't you just tell him the truth and stop him from falling blindly, you're being unfair," Jess practically scolded at me but tried to keep her voice down.

She was saying the truth that I didn't want to hear, the truth that I wasn't ready to hear. Definitely not now I wasn't sure of my stand with Khalid, I couldn't bear to lose both Mason and Khalid at the same time.

"Jess please stop talking," I murmured gawkily because I was trying to avoid the wound in my mouth. 

"I'm not trying to be meddlesome but you know you don't always make the best decisions in situations like this, I don't want to be forced to—"

"Jessica." Before she could finish her statement Yadiri cut her off, shaking her head and mouthing a 'stop'. 

Jess sighed, slumped her shoulders and raised her hands up in surrender. 

"Fine, I guess now's not the right time. I'm sorry," she mumbled an apology and backed away before standing up from the bed. 

Leering at her from the side of my eye, I was a bit thankful she had decided to drop the topic but she'd already done enough damage. They'd managed to make me feel hopeful again about my friendship with Khalid, but Jess had thrown me into another predicament.

"I'll be going to my room now, I've so many assignments I can't even comprehend," Jess groaned a complaint, staring down Yadiri and I on the bed. 

"Oh my God, I know right?!" Yadiri agreed, standing up as well. "It seems like they were just waiting for us to matriculate before they bombard us with a truckload of homework."

Their complaints about the amount of homework we had wasn't false or over-exaggerated, I too had my own share of the truckload of homework. I just wasn't in the right state of mind to start any of them. I still wasn't, even after talking with the girls. I needed to talk with Khalid. 

"See you later babe," Jess called out as they made their way to the door.

"Sure," I uttered softly. 

"And make sure to talk to Khalid. Don't shy away from it and don't think too much about it until you do get to talk to him," she advised just before she opened the door and stepped out, Yadiri followed closely behind.

"Make sure to give us every single detail, you know what I'm talking about," Yadiri whispered harshly like she was trying to hide something.

I groaned and fell back on my bed, covering my face with my duvet. 

"Get out," I grunted softly, letting a small laughter escape my mouth. It had been a while since I last laughed. 

"Sure, still tell us though." She spoke in her normal tone now before leaving and closing the door behind her. 

Minutes after they left, I retrieved my laptop from my bedside table and resumed watching the short films on YouTube. The pain in my mouth was almost unbearable but it didn't deter me from stuffing my face with chocolate, it was the only thing I'd eaten today anyway. 

***

Watching short LGBT films on YouTube back to back, I lost track of time. Stretching to peek out of my window, it was already dark outside, the sun had set. Going for my phone, I turned on the screen and checked the time. It was 8PM. I'd spent over four hours unproductively on YouTube, watching movies that only made me feel worse and curse my lack of a love life at seventeen and half, almost eighteen. 

I made slightly mushy and starchy clumps of pasta for myself and drowned it in a pool of sauce. It was unappetising but I ate it because, truthfully, I was hungry and I couldn't reject an offer from myself. 

My pasta didn't turn out awful because I had terrible kitchen skills, I did know how to cook. Being an only child taught me that. I just wasn't in the mood for anything, cooking included. I also wasn't in the mood for all the assignments I had staring at me, Kevin was my only hope at this point. 

Washing my plates and tidying up the sink and my kitchen which I had messed up, I returned to my bed. Two thoughts were dominant on my mind: firstly, Mason had been texting me all day and I hadn't replied to any of his messages, I hadn't replied to anyone in general. Secondly, I really did need to talk with Khalid, I needed his response before making a decision on the current dilemma I was in. 

I realised I was being selfish, but from where I stood I had little to no choices. I couldn't help but act selfishly. Losing Mason was the last mistake I wanted to make during my first semester in the university.

Rolling from side to side on my bed with my eyes wide open and my thoughts wandering the realms between sanity and insanity, I groaned and sprung up from my bed with sudden resolve. Khalid didn't have the right to treat me the way he did the first time I talked to me. 

Admittedly, I kissed him. I was the one who initiated the kiss probably against his will but I didn't force myself on him… Maybe I did, but I didn't put any kind of pressure on him. If he was disgusted by the kiss he had to let me know so I could apologise, if there was something else I had to know as well. I kept my fingers crossed for the latter.

Wearing sweatpants over the blue, loose boxers I wore casually in my room, I got my keys and stepped out without my phone. I left it to charge and moreover I was just going over to Khalid's room. 

Locking my door I began taking those courageous steps towards the reason my tongue was swollen and bloody, the reason I had been gloomy all day. 

I'd spent over a month in lighthouse, I could navigate freely now without being scared of losing my way. I knew the name tag of his room so I just followed the numbers which led me right to his. 

Standing just in front of his door, whatever courage I had mustered a while ago dissipated like smoke in the air. My heart was furiously battering my ribcage and my hands were sweaty despite the cold. After a few minutes of greedily taking large amount of oxygen into my lungs, I brought my hands to connect with the door. 

Knocking so faintly the first time, I tried again, a little louder this time. There was no response from inside and I was going to knock the third time before I heard the bolt slide open. 

The door was slowly pulled open and I was faced with a rather impassive looking Khalid. I noticed that the instant his eyes landed on mine they grew wider and he stiffened, his facial muscles trembling and twitching.

"Khalid could we talk, please?" I started, keeping my eyes fixed on him.

He stood silent for a moment, bemused. He looked like he was thinking of something to say for a while, but the next thing I knew he shut the door in one swift move. 

Banging it in my face, I was now faced with the brown decoration incised into the door. 

The action had not only surprised me, it had sent a jolt all over my body. A jolt which passed through my heart and figuratively shattered it into tiny bits and pieces. 

I stood transfixed, staring fixated at the door which was just closed in my face. My eyes began stinging, not because I had chosen not to blink, but because tears were welling up in them. I resumed biting down on my tongue, on that same goddamn spot.

Maybe this was a dream, if I inflicted just the right amount of pain on myself I would wake up. I stood speechless for well over five minutes, at this point warm tears had started trailing down my face incessantly. 

"Khalid please open up let's talk," I pleaded, sobbing and cleaning my now runny nose. 

"Go away Olly," he mumbled into the door. 

It sounded like he was leaning against the door, he had been leaning against the door all this while. 

"I-I don't understand Khalid, I don't-I don't understand why you're doing this to me. I don't deserve this," I bawled, stuttering and taking breaks to sob. 

"Please Oliver, just go," he repeated himself a lot firmer this time.

"I don't deserve this kind of treatment from you. If it's because I kissed you, that's exactly what I want to talk about, I'm sorry. I'm really—" 

"Akhraj min huna! (Get out of here!) Go away Oliver!" 

Before I could finish I heard him yell from inside the room, shutting me up. I had never heard Khalid yell before, I had never heard him sound so mad. This side of him scared me more than Casper spewing threats at me. 

It went to show just how badly I'd fallen for Khalid, and now I'd lost him due to one tipsy kiss.

Sniffing and wiping the mess that was my nose, I backed away from the door and started skipping to my room. 

I needed a tissue for my runny nose, I needed to bury my face into my pillows, I needed to stuff my face with chocolates, I needed something for the excruciating pain in my mouth. I needed to be on good terms with Khalid once again but I'd lost every chance of that.

On my way back to my room I bumped into Chris in the hallway. Stumbling backwards, I mumbled an apology and continued down the hallway.

"Hey what's wrong?" Chris called behind me, he seemed to have noticed me crying. "Hey Oliver, what's the matter?!" He worried again but I didn't stop, I didn't turn back and I definitely did not answer.

I just walked straight to my room, opened the door and fell face flat on my bed... Again. I was tired of hoping and trying. 

Scampering towards my phone with blurry, tear-filled vision, I managed to unlock it and found the number of the one person I had in mind. 

I called Mason, I genuinely needed him.

***

AN: thank you guys for 10K! To be honest a very wide smile formed on my face when I found out this morning! Once again thank you so, so much, I couldn't have gotten here without you guys. Well, keep reading, don't hate... Yet. Lol

A very special THANKS to everyone who votes! You all have my heart. ❤️

Till next time! Stay happy, stay safe and pray for our baby Olly.
Love, DrillBurger.