"Hello everybody, it's your favourite and the most adorable host out here- Maple Helberg. It's boiling here with 95°!!" Maple sat in front of a table, with Arorhea beside him. They were radio jockeys!

"95°? Isn't that like- too hot? Humans can't survive at 95°Celsius, sir," Loraine was the first guest for the day. He sat on the right side of the table dressed up in a white shirt and black jeans.

"He means in Fahrenheit, Loraine," Ember was the second guest. He sat on the left side of the table dressed up in a blue, high neck sweater and white tights with long, blonde boots matching his hair.

"This is so confusing, like °Celsius should be made standards for all those who existed on Earth and will come to exist," Loraine stated.

"I feel like-"

"Forget this guys!" Maple decided to cut in the brothers' conflict "So everyone, today we are sitting with two people- actually my two brothers. Loraine who has stayed in England with my mom, who was English herself. So yeah, he's accustomed to the English culture.

Ember however spent 14 years of his life in Amercia with my dad who is purely native American. We definitely have differences in cultures which makes us go like he is so weird! So today, we're gonna discuss all the problems which Loraine faced when he moved in with us in Los Angeles when he was 11,"

"I swore to myself that I would keep my British lineage abnegated from the Americans" Loraine stared at Ember.

"So Loraine, reveal your most "WTF!" moment when you visited America for the first time. Don't be offended, guys. He's gonna speak a lot of rude stuff about America and us Americans" Maple smiled.

Loraine just crossed his arms and rolled his eyes.

"And Ember will be the speaking for the notion,"

"Hello ladies," Ember waved his hands.

"Hold on, what's the date today?" Arorhea asked as she looked into her phone.

"May 25th, 2K2X" Ember said.

"25th May 202X" Loraine said.

"..."

"This is the problem" Loraine did a facepalm "Why do you people always have to be so abnegated from us British?"

"Well, because we are quite flexible when it comes to rules," Ember smiled.

"Yeah so anachronistic- like dropping 'u' from colour because of no particular reason," Loraine was triggered and Maple was so ready for this "And you people you so many Internet slangs! Why do you have to adumbrate everything? Half of the times I couldn't make sense of what you all were talking about"

"Same here," Maple looked at Loraine.
"Are you pointing out an aspersion on my English?"
"No just continue in a way everyone can understand you,"
"I'll consider your blandishment,"

"Loraine, why are you mad?" Ember asked.
"I'm not,"
"You always use such classy vocab when you're mad,"
"Slangs!"

"Slangs make the conversations crisp. We don't like stressing on words. It just rolls out in the same tone and flow," Ember explained.

"Whatever,"
"What else?"
"Almost all food tasted sweet, including bread. I had to ask father to get me a personal cook because I couldn't eat so much sweet stuff. How do you people manage to not get diabetes? The choices of cereal at the breakfast in the hotel all had at least 20% sugar!"

"It's called becoming adapted to it. It's the same how Asians can eat lots of spicy stuff but I can't,"

"Also, flags everywhere. Not just in front of people's homes, but in front of everything. I even saw a US flag in front of a supermarket-- Fuck,"
"Yeah it's usually to show our support towards the country fighters. And it's not like everyone does that, some do, some do not. It's something under the first ammendment. I'm not gonna go deep into that,"

"The tax was not included in the price tag. It's weird! I needed to buy a pair of new shoes. I gave them at the counter. You won't believe, I ran short of money. Because what she said was much more than what was written on it. So, I had to call home, and ask dad to send me some online cash,"

"Goddamn," Ember started laughing.

"You know the one thing I wasn't expecting from the US is how polite 99% of the people I met were,"
"Yeah that's true. Mostly Americans are friendly,"
"I think, they are unnecessarily friendly,"

"Excuse me?"

"I mean, perfect strangers were asking me how I am doing. I felt like my personal space was constantly being attacked,"
"Yeah that usually happens. Unless, you're a native. I mean it's pretty normal for me. People have come to me and asked that I seem cool and if I'd like to hang out with them and I'm like- sure buddy," Ember smiled.

"Portion sizes, vehicle sizes, road sizes, house sizes was like too much! It was more than required actually. The sheer size of the place was amazing though. Each state was like its own little country. I visited some different places, and each time I crossed a state line it was like crossing a border in Europe — everything was different again,"

"We like it lavish,"
"Yeah right.The amount of homeless people was crazy! People straight-up walked past an elderly woman, living on the streets to get to the 7-Eleven,"

"That's sad but unfortunately it's true,"
"The ads in between TV shows felt unnecessarily long, and also repeated the same info over and over, just worded differently,"
Ember laughed at how true it was.

"It's true! There were actually ads for prescription medicines. Like what the actual fuck,"
"I have no comments on that,"
"There's a whole channel about the weather. It runs 24 hours a day and makes everything seem hyper-dramatic. Like- Why are you people so obsessed with the weather? Is there a debacle every second?!"

"We aren't. Its just that weather varies dramatically across the North America. Climates range from Arctic cold to Equatorial heat, and everything in between. Summers in North America during the El Niño weather pattern are wetter than average. Winters in North America during El Niño are warmer on average and there is less snow fall. So we need to keep a check,"

"Shut your clamour, nobody can construe anymore!" Loraine paused for a while and then decided to continue again "I thought the gap in bathroom stall doors was a myth until I visited the US. I didn't get privacy for my stay. How do you shit when someone can look you in the eye?! Why is everything so contravene!"

"Just get used to-"
"Aw hell naw! It's a dour to restrooms! Plus, there's extreme air conditioning — like fridge temperature inside,"

"Not really," Ember and Maple said together.
"Why is it suddenly two denigrating one?!"
"Oh, sorry!" Maple moved away.

"Ember remember we went to NYC for our vacation when we were 13?" Loraine asked.
"Yes, and you puked the moment you stepped out of the car,"
"Yes because movies set in New York prepare you for everything except the smell of shit,"

"I stayed in Manhattan for a week with dad. The city is usually warmer because of pollution, which causes a greenhouse effect and allows bacteria to grow faster and also contributes to the smell,"

"That place is overpopulated and egregious!"
"Yeah cause that's Manhattan and you've lived in places like Manchester,"

"Alright, talk a bit about food now" Arorhea finally decided to intervene.
"Why is she here seriously? She's insidious!" Loraine pressed his temples.
"Just talk Loraine," Maple and Ember said together.

"If I talk about restaurants, it's multifarious. Tipping is obligatory, whether it was good service or not. What? You're going to log my card details and then when I leave I'm supposed to trust that you'll charge the amount I wrote down on a piece of paper? And I'm supposed to be fine with that?"

"Well, yeah?"

"I mean Americans are friendly but this is just stupid,"

"It is not!" Maple defended the people of his favourite country.
"Interlocutors not needed!" Loraine shot back.
"Ember!"
"He means don't interrupt,"
"Okay!"

"It's just a formal courtesy," Ember explained to Loraine.
"That waiter is being paid," Loraine said.
"Extra money is never bad though,"
"Plus the general weirdness surrounding alcohol. Me-- A Brit went for a coffee at lunchtime once and our American friends were referring me to AA,"

"..."

"..."

"The waiter is all shocked by my accent, I can see that on his face,"
"That's your personal problem," Ember laughed.

"The amount of salad dressing options. There were so many to choose from. What the fuck is 'ranch' or 'Thousand Island'?"

"Thousand Island dressing is a salad dressing based on mayonnaise, olive oil, lemon juice, orange juice, paprika, Worcestershire sauce, mustard, vinegar, cream, chili sauce, tomato purée, ketchup or Tabasco sauce--"

"Shut up! I just wanted a paradigm salad!"
"Is that a salad?" Maple asked.
"No, it means typical or normal," Ember said.

"Oh! And we wanted a normal English- but did we get it? No! Boom!" Maple said.

"Why are you so licentious and profligate?"
"It is a normal salad though. We're not putting fortune cookies in there,"

"Lets conclude now guys. Describe Americans in one word, Loraine," Maple asked.

"Quixotic," Loraine said.
"Thanks for watching this everyone. This was the weirdest things about Amercia according to the British!" Maple said as he and Ember wore a hat reading "Make America great again,"

"Make America great again? What the hell is wrong with you people?!"

Maple Helberg
Can't I Touch Your Heart?