I pull away blinking up at Colton.

"What was that for?" I breathe out, staring into his eyes now hyper aware of every detail.

He looks down intertwining our hands and rubbing the pad of his thumb in gentle circles against them. "I'm not sure."

Frowning, I peer at him through my lashes. "Why did you do it?"

"I'm not sure."

I stare at him quizzically and he blushes still fixated on our hands. "Colton?"

"I don't actually have an answer." He gazes back up. "I just had too."

"Does this have anything to do with this secret no one tell me about?" I ask, toeing my foot on the gravel.

"Yeah."

I cross my arms and sigh. "And I guess you aren't going to tell me."

Colton takes a deep breath, physically steeling himself. "I will. But can we go to the car? I need to sit down."

Nodding, I follow him down Peyton's driveway, glancing briefly to the first floor window where Peyton watches with a unimpressive look. I swallow, turning away and open the car door. Getting inside and angling my body on the seat to give Colton my full attention, I fiddle with my fingers in my lap waiting for him to settle in the car.

Another sighs leaves him and he finally focuses on me and drops the bomb.

"I'm bipolar."

I try to keep my face neutral as he continues. "I get more hypomanic episodes than manic and I've never really had them at camp... except that one time. Most of the time I'm just depressed but sometimes I'll have a manic episode where things will go south. I'll have so many thoughts and ideas and I'll just need to act on them. Like it was my idea to follow you girls away from the woods and scare you and then I had the idea that I could pretend to walk you off the edge of the cliff to see how far you would go before you finally fought back. It was a fun game— to see how long it would take you to crack. Even when I wasn't having episodes, I suffered badly from impulsivity... I still do and I would react quickly to things sometimes before they started because I was paranoid they would. I didn't really think, I just did. And even after, it was better not to think about what I did because then I just felt guilty. Which is probably why I should've thought about it..."

"Oh, Colton I'm so sorry." I whisper, gripping is arm tightly.

"Don't be. It's not an excuse."

"Is it treatable?"

"Not really. I mean I have good days and bad days. And as I said I'm more susceptible to hypomanic episodes that only lasts few days. When I had that manic episode that night, I was sent home to a clinic where I stayed a few days whilst they contained me. That's what my dad would always do, send me away so they can drug me up and tell them to ship me back when I was just normally mentally ill: 'the good old fashioned depression'. So that's he's not responsible when I take risks without thinking about them. Like entering myself in a street racing competition only to get into a huge crash."

A tear rolls down my cheek and he snorts. "I mean my manic episodes weren't always so catastrophic, sure I signed up to be a counsellor on one of them which probably wasn't a good idea in hindsight but even after the episode I felt I had to continue through. Because most of the time I feel like I'm on the top of the world and can achieve anything before I fall. I wanted to start up a mental health charity once, it was kinda ironic but I felt good even though I probably wasn't and I wanted to help others to be good too, took a load of money out of the bank and was about to put it to use before my dad found me and practically dragged me by my ear to the clinic."

"Colton..."

"It's okay, this is my life. But to answer your original question, I kissed you because I didn't think about the risks and how stupid it was. I just did it like how I just do everything without thinking."

I shake my head, gazing into his eyes, leaning closely before placing a small kiss on his lips. "It was stupid."

He wipes at my tears. "I know."

"And we'd only infect each other with our own toxicity, but you'll always be apart of my life." I whisper gripping his head.

He leans in again, kissing me softly. I taste his bitter tears or maybe my own and I grip him tighter, wishing it would never stop. It's filled with so much passion and pain for the trauma we both have.

But finally we pull back and he hugs me. "Our pain unites us but it's wrong for it to be the premise of our romance, maybe one day we'll both be healed enough to embark in a relationship together that we deserve."

"Maybe one day." I whisper.

He lets out a small laugh. "I don't know why you're crying, you've got enough guys pining after you!"

"I do not!" I shove him.

"Braden's like a lost puppy when he's around you!"

I giggle at that. "Yeah, he pronounced his love to me last night when he'd had a few slurps out of that death juice. But that's only one!"

"You might not know it but every counsellor and his dad has the hots for you."

"Ew!"

"Even the campers."

"Just stop!"

"It's true!" He smiles at me. "Because you truly are the strongest most beautiful girl I've ever met. Anybody would be lucky to have you."

I blush. "Thanks I guess. But my anxiety blows things out of proportion like I still don't know why I allowed myself to be so scared of you. But rationality isn't as strong as fear."

Colton squeezes my thigh and regains my attention. "You don't need to know why. It's an illness, one that many struggle to understand but it doesn't make your worries any smaller.

"Thanks." I push my hair behind my ear.

"I should thank you for never giving up on me."

"I don't give up on my friends." I smile.

He smirks. "And as a friend, I think you should take Braden up on his offer until you're ready to really become a woman."

"Why are you so goss?" I grimace.

"Because I'm a boy."

"Yeah well Bradens a boy and he doesn't speak like that."

"That's because you've never heard him speaking about you when your not there. He more than has the hots for you."

"Are you trying to make me get turned on or off about him?"

"A bit of both I think."

"You're weird."

He shakes his head. "I'll always be here as a friend or more if we're ever ready but for now you should think about Braden, he's a nice guy."

I nod. "I'll think about it."

And I would.

Because maybe I would take Braden up on the offer and maybe one day Colton. But for now I was focused on writing my own story. My story of perseverance and hard times, of love and lost, of finding my voice and myself. This wasn't going to be a romance story, it was going to be chicklit. Love is great, it's powers are strong but for now I would be keeping them for myself— maybe it was selfish but I had to learn to love myself first. It was my time to shine. I was going to be a strong female lead and write the world wrong.

THE END

a/n in next chapter!
xx