When I got back on deck for the first time, I was surprised once more how the world continued without me. Everyone was doing their tasks, not even bothering to look at me. We sailed on a calm sea, seemingly the most precious place in the world. But to those who had sailed her, it was clear that the calm was just an illusion. I walked over to Abby, grabbing the cloth out of his hand and the bucket and went to the other side, doing what I should've done weeks earlier. I bend down and started cleaning the deck like I had so many times before.

Abby stood next to me, his hands on his hips. « Whatcha doing, kid? » he asked, and I was relieved that for once his voice didn't hold any grudge. « I think it's quite clear. Shouldn't you man the sails? »

Without really giving me an answer, we both returned to our previous work. Although the wounds had somewhat healed by now, my muscles were still sore and the constant bending made my back ache, but I wasn't going to let down. I just had to survive until we got back on land, then I'd run and never return. Until then, I just needed to stay alive.

Around noon, Abby sat down next to me offering a piece of bread and cheese. Hungrily, I accepted and chewed, my raw hands excused from the salt water and hard wooden floors. « Have you seen Paulina? » he said, his eyes glancing at me to measure my reaction. I took another bite and swallowed. « No. »

« Kid... She hasn't been herself lately. » He said and he tried to comfort me but I didn't want his compassion. « Listen, I'm sorry about how I reacted... I was jealous and angry for you taking me job. But I meant what I said about Paulina. It's clear you fancy her, no need to fight it. »

I shot him an angry glare « If you failed to notice, Absolom, the woman practically killed me when she got the chance. »

He swallowed away his bite with a swig of ale. « Maybe, or she saved your arse. »

I looked at him in disbelief. « Were you not there? » The words were burning on my tongue and I needed to get out of there, but Abby wrapped his hand around my wrist and pulled me down. « Listen, boy. I've been here on this ship longer than anyone. I am starting to figure her out. And if there's one thing about her that is true, then it would be she does everything for a reason. Mostly not the reason you think it is. So yes, she punished you, but don't forget she saved you from death as well. » His words hung heavy in the air around us. I sighed.

« Abby, I'm tired of doing this. She needs to do her thing, I'll do mine. »

Finally, he seemed to back off. « One thing, Felix. Don't forget she's a woman. They mostly have their own way of dealing with things, but they never act without a damn good reason. »

Since when did Abby choose her side? I wondered about it when the day continued. Soon I just focused on my job, ignoring the only female presence on deck as well as she ignored me. I could feel her near though, but my eyes were locked onto the wood, my skin scraping frantically against the hard surface to dull both the pain in my back and in my chest. It was obvious that Paulina was too much of a mystery to me. She was right, she could not be claimed, nor tamed. She was wild and free and no man would take that away from her.

The evening fell and I was busy below deck, shoving empty crates away and making room for the filled ones. The evening crew had already begun, but I couldn't make myself go to sleep yet. I had been in my hammock for too long, I wasn't going to return just yet. I felt a presence watching me, but I ignored it. With a grunt the last box was dropped on his place and I turned to face the cause of my misery.

« I need to check on your wounds. Absolom demanded it. » Paulina said, as she leaned against the wall trying to look careless. Her eyes however, were searching for mine and displayed hurt when I denied her. Without saying a word I pushed myself past her through the small door, ignoring the heat that was coming from her body. She was quick and grabbed my arm. « Believe me Felix, you do not want to catch a fever on this ship. » Her hold was strong. Without another word, she pulled me behind her, away from the hammock room and through decorated red hallways. She pushed aside a dirty brown curtain and revealed to me a small room, with a cod and blankets, books and papers all around the floor and a lonely creme colored tapestry hanging on the wall.

She pushed me down on the cod, facing the wall away from the door as she went to search for a box. Paulina placed it next to her on the bed, before sitting right behind me in the dim light of a lonely candle. She pushed the simple wooden box open and revealed bandages, needles, thread and a variety of bottles of different sizes and colors. I had almost forgotten that it was Paulina who normally took care of the ill on the ship.

I could hear her hesitate. « Can you lift your shirt, please? » She demanded, but I remained looking at the wooden planks in front of me. « Felix. »

My hands hesitantly took the edge of my shirt, before my muscles started to complain and I pulled it over my head. I could hear her stop breathing at the sight of my scars. I hadn't seen them, but it couldn't be a pleasant sight. Her cold hand was placed on my warm skin and I shivered. She immediately retrieved her hand and started rumbling through the box. « I'm so sorry, » she whispered.

I remained cold and distant. If I'd let her in, she would just kill me right away. Her cold finger traced my skin in a line, the scar tissue still sensitive. « Don't. » I sneered as I tensed, afraid that just one touch would convince me to forgive her.

Instead of pulling her hand back, she leaned in closer. I could feel the warmth of her chest through her loose shirt against my bare back. Her hand was now resting flat on my shoulder. « Felix. » She whispered and I got goosebumps under her touch.

« Believe me when I say, I am so sorry. But if he were to find out I cared about you, you would be dead. »

« Perhaps that was better. »

« You don't mean that. I couldn't get you killed... I meant what I said to you, that I couldn't risk you. It is a choice I am willing to make, but I need you to understand it and to accept it. »

I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply. « Maybe I don't want to accept that you choose to hurt me rather than love me. » There the words were out and the room filled with silence. « You don't love me, Felix... » She whispered, but I could feel her mouth was so close to my ear I felt her breath van across my skin. « I know you don't. And I think you shouldn't, were you to convince yourself you were. For I can't give you what you need... » She pulled back and in silence she gave my scars a proper inspection. Then suddenly I could feel her warm breath against my back.

« I am terribly sorry, but I've come this far... I can't back down. I need to let you go. I can't have both.»

« Don't. »

I couldn't understand myself. I longed for her to suffer and perhaps for her to care about me was what made her suffer. It was a thought that had entered my mind as soon as she had touched me tonight. It wasn't about me not being able to have her, for she was unable to have me.

« Don't dare to let me go, Paulina. » I hissed at the wall in front of me. I tensed when her lips made contact with my feverish skin. She slowly started kissing every single scar, muttering a sorry as she went. I couldn't think clear for my skin was burning under her touch. It felt as if the skin she had let torn apart, was slowly mending again underneath her lips. She traced every single one of my scars, followed her lips with lingering kisses until she made her way back up to my neck, hiding her kiss in the crook of it.

« Don't stop. » I said as I exhaled and released a breath I didn't realize I was holding. She hesitated, her breath hovering over my skin. « Unless you don't love me. »

Her finger pulled my face towards her, our eyes finally connecting. « You're making this very difficult for me, Handsome. » She said as she leaned in and kissed me full on the mouth. My hands  found their way around her waist and pulled her over my lap. She wrapped her arms around me, pressing me close against her.

She tasted like the ocean. Her skin was salty, her hair smelled like a sea breeze and she tasted fresh and soothing. Paulina pressed herself closer, my fingers crunching the fabric of her shirt underneath my touch. I slowly pulled, revealing her skin to the warmth of the room as my fingers discovered her back. I could feel her heart beating against her ribcage when my hand climbed higher and higher until I found a firm breast to caress. I was a lost man.

She pulled the shirt over her head, revealing to me her skin that was so much lighter than her arms or calves. Her eyes were glazed over with so many emotions I didn't dare to wonder about it. I pinned her down on the cod, letting my chest rest against hers as both of our hands were making their way across our skins. She squirmed beneath me as my hand travelled down her thigh, a moan escaping her plump rose lips. I devoured her mouth in reply, hooking my fingers around the waist of her trousers. « For once, be mine. » I whispered against her mouth and she let me.

As she laid there completely uncovered beneath me, I couldn't think straight. It was all I wanted, Paulina all to myself. I bend down and kissed her again, when her hand pushed my chest away from hers. We were both heavily breathing, our foreheads touching.  « Let me be yours. » She whispered, and I thought I heard her wrong for she too started tugging at my trousers before I could register her words. My fist clenched around her curls as our bodies fully touched. She was indescribable. My hands roamed her body freely as she dug her nails into my arms. My mouth tasted every part of her, claiming her where it went. She was mine and she knew it. For once I was the one in control.

Her breasts were pressed against my chest, her hips swaying to the moves of the ship. She was one with the ocean as I discovered her depths and urged her to let me. We moved together, for once experiencing that if we stopped fighting it, only good things could come out of this. She squirmed beneath me, her eyes fluttered as my name escaped her lips many times. I felt like I was going to explode, urging our moves to go faster.

The night continued, and moonlight drifted into the small room where we were still wrapped around each other. My mouth pressed against the lonely stars tattooed on Paulina's skin. Her warm fingers tracing the lines of my collar bones. I held her close for I knew that in the morning, Paulina would return to Dickens. Then she would no longer be mine. I should feel jealousy, hatred even towards the woman laying in my arms, but I did not. What we had was odd and special and I believed it only happened once in a lifetime. « Why can't we stay like this? » I murmured against her skin.

She sighed deeply, « That would be my fault... »

I looked her into the eyes again, surprised how this girl kept being a mystery to me. « I'm sure you have your reason. » I recited Absolom.

A single tear glistened over her cheek. « In another life, Felix, you would be the one. » She kissed my lips again and I lost myself in her embrace once again. That night, I claimed her for the next three lifetimes.