Oh no... I slipped again.

Thanks again already to jueka1 and brightyeolie

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"So," I started as Flynn packed his books back into his bag after our tutoring session, "Who next?" I didn't normally start conversations when Flynn was getting ready to leave, but today, I wasn't ready to say goodbye just yet.

He glanced up as he pulled the zipper, eyes landing on the hickey on my neck before meeting my gaze. "You're a bit keen," was all he said back.

Sure, only a few hours had passed since mine and Lexi's stunt to get rid of Ashton, but indeed I was keen. More than eager to get this kiss list over with. I had my reasons, of course.

"Desperate to get rid of Lexi?" he then pressed when I didn't give him anything further. And while his bag was packed and he was ready to go, he stayed seated on the floor beside me, not making his usual dash out the door.

"Not exactly... I'm not minding having her around too much anymore," I said, suddenly interested in packing up my pens into my pencil case.

"Then why do you want to finish it so quickly? We have time. We should just leave—"

"Because if she completes it first, then I have to confess to Noah," I quickly blurted, though it wasn't really why I wanted to do it anymore.

On the one hand, I wanted to drag this out as long possible, but Flynn said we'd still be friends after the kiss list ended. So on the other hand, the sooner it was over and I wasn't going around kissing all these guys, then maybe he and I could...

I quickly shook the thought before I got too hopeful again.

"You've kissed three different guys now, Callie. Why not just confess to him? Is it because of Sara?" he asked, eyes searching my face.

I could feel the tightness in my throat, the words I wanted to say getting stuck as he waited expectantly. Yet rather than speaking the truth my heart was whispering to me then and there, I instead just nodded.

"Sara would understand," he said softly, seeming almost sad though.

Is he sad for me? I wondered. As though he too is worried Sara may not understand? Nonetheless, I shrugged. "It doesn't change the fact that if Lexi finishes it first, I have to confess. And I don't want to do that."

"Generally at the end of liking someone is confessing to them," Flynn said with a roll of his eyes, starting to get to his feet now.

"Well, not for me," I grumbled. But as he started walking to the door, I didn't even think before I blurted, "Are you really going already?"

He hesitated, hand on the doorknob, before craning his head to look at me. "I always go after we study."

"I know," I said. "And you always go after class. And whenever we hang out and it's not class time or study, you're sending me off to kiss another guy." As I spoke, I rolled onto my knees, using my bed to shift myself onto my foot.

Flynn let go of the door, coming over to me and grabbing my arms to steady me. "Why aren't you using your chair like you always—"

"Because I want to talk to you face-to-face," I said, voice wavering.

His brows pulled together for a moment, eyes studying me, but then the familiar Flynn grin appeared. "You're too short for us to talk face-to-face, Callie."

Nonetheless, he guided me to my bed—me awkwardly hopping over and feeling my face flush a little. Though, as per usual, my leg didn't faze Flynn.

Yet rather than trying to run out the door, he gingerly took up a spot on the mattress next to me, keeping a bit of distance between us though.

As I curiously watched him, wondering if he was actually sticking around because of what I said just before, he hesitantly glanced at the door before looking back to me.

So when he opened his mouth to speak, I turned my head to my lap and blurted, "If you want to go, then go."

He heaved a sigh, then nudged my shoulder with his until I warily glanced up at him. "I just don't want your dad coming in here and seeing I'm on your bed with you. He already doesn't trust me alone with you, as though a boy and a girl can't just be friends."

I felt a little guilty hearing those words, knowing that what I was feeling for him was more than friends... a reality that really dawned on me today after Ashton held my hand for all of history and I felt nothing for the guy who made out with me in the cinema. Nevertheless, when Flynn bounded over as Ashton tried to walk me to class, Flynn throwing his arms around me to make Ashton jealous and to save me from his grip, my heart took off just as fast as the last time he touched me... even though ten weeks had passed since the night of the cubby. The reality was we were just friends... but that didn't mean that was all I was feeling for him.

"Now," he said, ripping me from my thoughts. "Why are you so upset suddenly about me leaving even though this happens every—"

"You said in your texts to me on the weekend that we will still be friends after the kiss list." 

Did I blurt this out while looking at my lap again? Yes. But hey, at least I was talking to him... I just couldn't bear to see how his expressions might shift as I opened up a little bit about my insecurities.

Flynn always liked to say 'it's just me', as though that made being my true self any easier. And sure, I trusted him with most of my deepest worries about my family, my disability dilemmas, all that... Though these days I found my ability to talk to him about my romantic feelings becoming increasingly more difficult. Because how could I look him in the eyes and say I really don't think I like Noah anymore because I like—

"I did say that. And I meant it," he said, pulling me from my thoughts.

"Then why don't we ever just... hang. With no school work, with no kiss list... Like normal friends do..."

His brows pulled together. "You've been fine with us being like this for the past ten weeks, I don't under—"

"Just because you said we will still be friends when the list is over doesn't mean I believe it..."

The stray thread coming from my shorts was suddenly very interesting, even though I could feel his eyes burning into my face as the silence ticked on, him not saying anything.

Though finally he did speak. And when he did, he said, "I'm not lying to you, Callie."

But I shrugged. "I get you don't have time before school or after or at lunch time... but you're here in the evenings. Why can't we just—"

"I go home straight away to help my aunt with my mum. This is normally the time when my aunt gets home from her second job and my mum knows that, so she always wanders home to beg for more money."

Over the weeks, I had slowly learned of Flynn's living situation. He lived with his mum, aunt, and cousins at his aunt's house. Flynn and his mum couldn't afford their own place because his mum drank all their money away, so their aunt kindly took them in. Flynn's dad and uncle were long out of the picture, meaning all of the income was made by his aunt. 

Immediately I felt guilty, hearing the words come from his mouth, knowing I was keeping him. I could feel the burning in my eyes and the battle rage in my heart—I wanted him to stay. I wanted to spend more time with him. But my silly little feelings were so insignificant to his family problems that I was honestly being a bad friend by keeping him longer.

And while I took a deep breath to steady the tears that were dying to come out, I kept my gaze down as I said, "You know, I think you're going to be fine in maths."

I didn't look at him, but from the corner of my eye I could see him curiously tilting his head, not sure what my change in topic was alluding to. "I mean, you've been a big help—"

"What I'm saying is... I don't think you need tutoring anymore." 

This time I lifted my head, warily meeting his eyes. 

Wanting him to go. 

Wanting to be alone with my feelings. 

My heart demanded distance from him, because the more I saw him, the more I wanted him. But Flynn would never like me. And even if he did... how would I ever fit into his life?

His face wavered, sadness stealing his expression for a moment. "Do you not want to—"

"I don't mind tutoring you, Flynn. I just... you don't need it anymore. And I don't want to take up more of your—"

I could see the realisation click in, his brows turning down, face becoming soft. "Callie," he cut me off. "I wasn't telling you that because I can't keep—"

But I looked away. "Well, time is up now, so you should—"

"Callie," he said a little louder, a little more angrily this time.

But again, I couldn't meet his eyes.

Though he waited me out. The seconds trickling by... Slowly turning into minutes. The guilt of keeping him longer than he should be here was eating me alive. And so I finally looked at him. 

A cacophony of emotions swirled across his face, some I thought I was imagining, some as obvious as the sun on a cloudless day. Hurt. Disappointment. Warmth. Longing?

"My mum doesn't come home until after tutoring," he said, eyes fixated on me, all kindness gone from his eyes as he spoke. "Which means from the time Uncle Jimmy gets home until she gets home, I don't have any commitments. So coming here is no trouble, okay?"

"But you don't need—"

"Fine."

But that was all he said. And when again the silence trickled on, him seemingly waiting for me to ask the question... "Fine?" I finally whispered.

"Fine... we will stop with the study. And... hang. Or whatever. Whatever it takes to get you to believe I don't just come here to use you, but also because you're my friend." And then this time, he looked away, shoving a hand through his hair, staring at everything and anything but me.

"You don't sound too enthused about it," I grumbled, also looking away, though I'd be lying if I wasn't slightly happy that he wanted to hang.

"Well, you're kind of a pro at trying to push people away when you're scared, Callie, and when you're in your snappy mode it's hard to be enthusiastic," he said, throwing that loaded truth bomb at me.

My words caught in my throat as we both ever so slowly turned to look at each other. He cocked an eyebrow at me, as if to say 'am I wrong'? Meanwhile my eyes widened, wondering how he had even seen all that...

"What would I be scared of?" I squeaked, wondering if he knew... if all this time he could tell—

But the corners of his lips turned upwards, a touch of warmth returning to his eyes as he said, "Actually having a friend other than Sara?"

And my heart finally slowed, knowing he didn't know. Knowing my secret was still safe. Knowing that I wasn't making this awkward between us.

Then his eyebrows knotted together. "Though, if I'm being honest Callie... I don't really know what people do when they are hanging and it's not a party or not out doing something..."

Pressing my lips together, I glanced around his face for a moment, waiting the obligatory five seconds it normally took for Flynn to pull a smile to let me know he was pulling my leg—the metaphorical one of course. But it never came. "They just chat. Or watch a movie. Or play games..."

He nodded... "Chat about?"

"I don't know... whatever. Things that happened in their day... in life... worries about the biggest things or even who they are crushing on..."

But my eyes widened at the idea of Flynn ever telling me who he was crushing on... because I don't think I could ever bear to hear that.

Yet then he said, "So like... cubby chats?"

Slowly turning to look at him, he was innocently grinning at me, not seeming to think about the other things that happened in the cubby—because of course only I remembered that moment. Nonetheless, I gave him a small smile back and nodded. "Yeah, cubby chats. Or like when we went late-night that time with Ashton."

Flynn's shoulders relaxed and he heaved a sigh. "It was nice opening up to you then, Callie. Which is why I said I'm sticking around even after the kiss list. I like having you to talk to... I just don't know how to do this friendship thing I guess?"

I shook my head, feeling a little silly now for the fight I had caused. Nonetheless, I said, "You're doing a great job, Flynn. I'm just... being an idiot. Trying to find excuses to push you away."

But then he shook his head. "You can't blame yourself, Callie... I understand it must be soul-crushing seeing me leave when I'm so cool and you just want me around all the time." Then his face broke out in a grin, taunting me, though eyes warm.

Yet while I hesitantly tried to return his smile and roll my eyes, my heart was trying to leap out of my chest, begging me to either hide in my cupboard until my feelings went or way or just say something to him. Because yes... he was completely right. It was so hard letting him go every day. And I really did want him around all the time. But would he still want to be by me if he knew a part of me wanted more from him than just friendship?

And how would he respond if I confessed that I, Callie Peterson-Williams, was falling head over heels for Flynn Thomson?

"You really should get going though," I then muttered, finally looking away.

"I do need to go," he agreed, getting to his feet. But instead of walking to the door, he paused. Then he waited, standing right in front of me until I hesitantly looked up.

Eyes softening as our gazes met, he held out his arms.

"What?" I mumbled, heart racing as I began to assume he was suggesting—

"Stand up," he said with a roll of his eyes.

And so I obliged. Knee a little shaky, hands definitely trembling, heart... well, don't even get me started. But it took barely a second of me righting myself for his arms to envelope me, his chin resting on my shoulder as he squeezed me tightly.

"I'm just me," he whispered into my ear, still holding onto me.

Hesitantly, I returned his hug—though I wrapped my arms around him much more loosely than he did me—all the while wondering if he could hear the drumming of my heart this close. 

It felt good to be held by him. Too good. And I wasn't looking forward to the pain that would come with knowing another thing I liked about him wasn't just mine to have whenever I wanted or needed it.

"You always say that but I really don't know what you mean," I mumbled into his chest as he smooshed me even closer, my body lifting slightly off the ground.

"It means... if something I'm doing is upsetting you, tell me. If something is worrying you, tell me." He pulled back, hands still firm on my arms though as his eyes searched my face. But I immediately dropped my grip of him, wary of where I could safely touch him without him knowing how much more I wanted to do and scared of all the places I would like to... "Tell me, don't wait for us to just fight about it."

"Telling you things is... hard sometimes," I mumbled, looking down at his chest.

He gave my arms a gentle squeeze until I looked back up at them. "You've told me so many embarrassing things... how is this any different?"

"It just... is." I looked away again, feeling my face turning crimson the longer he stared and the longer the silence dragged on.

Then finally he said, "Tell me..."

"Tell you what?" I hesitantly looked back at him, seeing my own uncertainty mirrored in his eyes.

"What makes it different this time."

I shook my head though.

And all tenderness dropped from his face as he deadpanned. "Don't you nope me." He dropped his hold on me, crossing his arms on his chest while I jumped over to my chair, sitting down in it.

"I'll nope you all I want," I said, wheeling over to the door.

But before I could open it, a force holding on my chair stopped me from rolling forward.

Looking back at him, Flynn's face was tender once more. "If there's anything at all you want to tell me, Callie, no matter how big or small... You know I'll listen, right?"

"Of course," I whispered. "I always know you will listen."

"But?"

He knew I was withholding something from him... but did he know what?

As his eyes continued to dance around my face, like he too was searching my expression for any clue of what I was thinking while I did the same to him, I realised he didn't really know... Even if he could sense something was off with me through the way I was acting towards him. And I felt bad... because liking him meant I wasn't being a genuine friend.

So again, I did what we usually did, and I threw him a smile. "But I'd rather tell Herbert."

In the end, we waited a couple of weeks for the drama to die down with Ashton before setting our target on the next boy. Flynn decided Luke should definitely be last to make that step easier. But over the weeks since my confidence increased thanks to pursuing Ashton, I tried my hand at talking to Ray in IT—and he still squeaked and ran to the other side of the room when I did. So in the end, we decided Zac or Jackson had to be next.

Which meant the day Flynn and I decided to pause the study sessions and just 'hang', he also stopped sitting with me in maths and bio, returning to his spot with Zac and Jackson up the back of the room so that he could rekindle that friendship.

And while I missed having him around at school, every night I still got my hour with him in my room as we tried to cover so many topics—from sad and happy memories of the past, to unimportant debates like whether pineapple should go on pizza. 

In those weeks that passed, I found myself getting even closer to Flynn, and somehow even falling more for him.

Yet the hour I got a day was never long enough.

Halfway into the term as we exited bio on Friday to head to lunch, Flynn came chasing after me.

"What's up?" I asked as he grinned, watching me put my books into my bag.

"What are you doing tomorrow?" he replied.

Furrowing my brows, I said, "My bio report?"

He pressed his lips together, seeming a little worried.

"Why?" I asked. "I can probably push it back to Sunday if you have something in—"

"Zac, Jackson, and some other friends are going to the creek tomorrow. They invited me along and when I asked if I could bring you, they said yes."

"Oh," I said, heart dropping slightly that he wasn't asking for us to just spend some alone time together. Because I was really liking it just being us... and a part of me wondered if last night—as we laid on my floor and I told him about the time I apparently got Lexi landed in hospital for shoving stickers up her nose—if I saw a hint of longing in his eyes when he stopped laughing and just gazed at me for endless beats of my heart. And a part of me wondered if I really saw his eyes flicker momentarily to my mouth...

"I thought you'd be happier," he said, brows coming together.

"I am," I said, forcing a smile at him, which he returned in the usual Flynn manner.

But after he told me he'd message me the details later and took off to join his mob for lunch, I felt the crushing weight inside me for getting my hopes up once again with him.

The reality I really had to accept was that Flynn simply never would like me... as much as I wanted to read into his actions. Because no boy who likes a girl sets her up to kiss someone else. Which meant everything I thought was going on between us was definitely in my head. 

It's not a good chapter but... Eh. It is what it is.