"Soleil*
I have gone for an evening walk, up the hill to the outdoor stage were they have viking plays every summer. The wind is playing with me hair, went I stand on the edge of the hill. Below me is the town sprayed out and in the distance I can see London.

A new breeze makes me close my eyes, breathing in the fresh air, listening to the birds singing around me. Spring is turning slowly into early summer and this is when the year is reborn.

I have read enough about wicca now. The web pages have teaches me about connecting with the nature to be one with everything. It is time for me to feel it with my own senses. With a sigh I turn to go sit on one of the little benches.

I let my thoughts flow freely. It is weird, but it is like I still feel Zac, like his kiss left something lingering inside me. I haven't heard from him, but he might be in trouble with his mother, so I'll give him some space, certain he will call or text tomorrow at the latest.

The last couple of days I have been thinking a lot about trying a wiccan ritual. But one thing is reading and imagining how it could be; it is something very different actually doing it.

A tree on the other side of the path creaks and I look up. The wind is pushing at the top branches, making it look like the tree is nodding towards me. "Oh so you think I should just go do a heathen ritual ?" I say in fun.

The tree nods.

My smile stiffens.

"And I am not ending up in hell or purgatory or whatever it is called for it ?" I ask nervously.

The tree don't answer. Actually it behaves like every other tree there, swaying in a nodding Way with the wind. I can't help laughing at myself. "God you are crazy Sol, this wiccan stuff has gotten on Your brain".

I am sitting here, imagining that I can speak to the trees and make the wind do as I want, like I am a real fairytale witch.

What are you afraid of ?

I scrunch up my brows. Well only one way to find out. Before I Can let my better judgement rule I pull out my phone and check the time. My mom isn't home yet, if I am quick I can get home and collect what I need before she gets there.

"I can't believe I am actually doing this". I mumble to myself, as I get up and hurry home.

When my mom gets home it is like time slows down and minutes are like hours. I sit stift in front of the tv, just waiting for her to go to bed.

"Something wrong ?" My mom ask looking at me with worry. "You look so pale. You are not coming down with something are you ?"

"What ? No I am just a bit tired today". I don't want my mother finding out and I hope she won't realise what I have taken, before I can put the things back.

"You are definitely working hard. I mean Zac is here almost every day right ?" My mom say in a teasing voice.

I start protesting. "He is actually good, much better than me. I have learned a lot".

"It fine sweetie, I like him". My mom say, and look at the watch. "Oh have it gotten that late. Then I understand why you are tired. I will go to bed now".

"I'll go to bed too". I stretch and follow my mom out into the bathroom to get ready.

I wait for an whole hour, to,be sure that my mom is asleep. After a last check outside her door. I go to my own room and find what I need. But suddenly I feel scared.

What are you afraid of ?

I bite my lip. Well I am maybe a little afraid it will all go Blair witch or something. With my luck I Will probably open a portal to hell. "Oh relax Sol, you have watched Way to many movies".

Giggling at myself, I go to look out the window. The sky is clear and there is no hint of wind or rain. If a hurricane starts now, I know it's not naturel.

I move my little table aside, and find my notebook, reading how to start the ritual. Here goes nothing.

"The sun rises in the east". I mumble and turn towards the wall. I take a deep breath to collect myself. "Here is the edge of the circle. Nothing but love can enter. Nothing but love can leave". I read while I walk a clockwise circle. "Fill this circle with you divine energy, Great mother and Great father". It feels awkward, but I manage to convince myself that it doesn't matter.

When I have finished the circle I take the incense and tjek next step. "Greated guardians of the watchtower of the east. Ruler of the mild breeze and the wrath of the hurricane. With Your fantasy and inspiration I welcome you to this circle". I say a bit doubtful, lightening the incense, reaching it forward like offering it to an invisible spirit. "With the power of the air I consecrate this tool. I blow away everything negative and unclean and fill you with positive energy". She finish by putting the incense on a holder on the floor.

The next point is the hardest, I am supposed to envision the energy of the wind make a yellow wall that follows the eastern side of the circle. The incense spreads a scent of yasmin, which I probably have to explain to my mom tomorrow.

Do not lose focus. See the yellow wall to the east.

I close my eyes and really try. First there is just darkness, but then a soft yellow light spread. I open my eyes and to my surprise the light is still there clear and yellow. When I feel satisfied I pick up a red candle and go to the next spot.

"Greated guardians of the watchtower of the South. Ruler of the warm flame and the roaring inferno. With Your passion and strength, I welcome you to this circle". I say and light the candle. With outstretched arm I say. "With the power of the fire I consecrate this tool. I burn away everything negative and unclean and fill you with positive energy". This time it is easier to visualise and soon there is a red wall to the south.

Now I feel more secure, so I leave the notebook and take a little bowl of water and go to the third spot.  "Greated guardians of the watchtower of the west. Ruler of the gentle whisper of the brook and the crashing waves. With Your intuition and compassion, I welcome you to this circle". I say confidently, holding out the bowl. "With the power of the water I consecrate this tool. I wash away everything negative and unclean and fill you with positive energy". The vestside draw a blue wall, joining the two others.

  "Greated guardians of the watchtower of the nord. Ruler of the nurturing mulch and the might mudslides. With Your wisdom and vitality, I welcome you to this circle". I continue and hold out a little bowl of earth. "With the power of the earth I consecrate this tool. I dust away everything negative and unclean and fill you with positive energy".

The ring around my circle are closed when the earth raised a green wall, the walls merging into one and a soft quivering sound comes from the wall. Sounding like electricity and it sends a feeling of peace and safety into me. Much like the feeling from the dream.

This is it, I am doing it and it is working. I sit down in the middle of the circle, lightning to small candles, the left first.

"Greated Great mother, goddess of the moon, creator of everything wild and free. The horned woman. I welcome you with Your power of the moonbeam". I read and in my mind a silver half dome closes over and under me.

  "Greated Great father, God of the sun, protector of everything wild and free. Husband of the earth mother. I welcome you with Your power of the sunshine". A Golden light fill the last space.

All the light slide together to create a shiny ball of energy around me, the quivering Sound changing to a deep humming sound and like in the dream I start singing with the sound.

"Sol are you..". Suddenly my mom opens the door, stepping inside. The Sound, the magic and the good feeling is instantly gone.

"What the hell is going on here ?" My mom gasp. I am about to start explaining, but my mom beat me to it. "Kitchen now, and blow out those candles". She turns on her heels and walk out.

Oh Wow ! For a moment I just stare into the dark hallway, uncertain about what had just happened. I am about to follow my mother, but then I remember the warnings. So I get my notebook and flip to the end.

"I hereby dissolve the circle and thank you for Your energy. I am sending all remaining energi back to mother earth". I whisper, placing my hand on the floor. "Be blessed and thank you". Quickly I put the thinks back in the bag, then I nervously go to join my mom.

"You are getting rid of those things in there.. right now". My mother say sounding more angry than I remember hearing her, as soon as I step out in the kitchen.

"But mom...".

"You stay away from that, do you understand ?" I stare at my mom. She has never talked to me like that before. I get angry, I am not 12 years old, there is no reason for that tone of voice.

"How Can you say that mom ? You have no idea what I were doing". I say, feeling a lump in my throat.

"I know what it is Soleil and I don't want that in my house". She say.

I defiantly push out my chin. "Well, what was I doing then, please tell me".

"Witchcraft". She turns looking directly at me. "I don't want you doing witchcraft".

"How did you know ?" I ask very surprised.

She shakes her head. "I just do and I do not want to discuss it. Witchcraft Can be dangerous; people have gone mad fooling around with it".

"That can't be true..". I start.

"I do not want to talk about it, didn't I just tell you ?the things they do, they are.. dangerous". My mom look down on the table.

Fuck ! It has just been the best feeling, so cool and now this. My mother was blowing it way out of proportions and I don't get why. If she would just listen to me, see my side of it. That this is finally something that makes sense to me, something I Seem to be good at and that I like.

But I can see it won't help discussing it, so without a word I go back to my room. I pull the curtains aside and look at the night sky. Big heavy skies have emerged. In a moment they would cover the moon. The wind is ripping at the trees, but I don't Care, it just reflect my mood.

I pull the curtain back and go to bed.