*Soleil*
It is agony pulling myself to school the rest of the week. Luckily we are so close to exams, that everyone is focused on that. I keep to myself or Davina, so I don't see Zac much. Every time I spot him, I turn and walk the other way. Davina tries lighten up my spirits to her best ability and I do my best to look okay. I wish I really felt okay or that I just felt something, bust truth is that Zac has left an empty space behind. It had become a habit that he was there and that I at least could dream about me and him together. Now I know it will never happen and it keeps pulling me deeper into a dark hole.

Only at night in my dreams I am free. There I am happy. The dreams are always the same; I am in my safe stone circle and dancing in the dusk with the creatures from the wood, I sing with the shadows in the rocks and I play with the light orbs hovering above me. When dusk goes to darkness the forest goes silent and the creatures disappear.

The same scenario repeat itself every time - first I hear a deep growl and then I see the enormous figure, making the trees rattle. After that a hissing sound and a hoarse laughter from the other side. The creatures moved into the open space at the same time. The big monster with the shining green eyes roars angrily at me and the smaller figure hisses while it's sharp nails scratches on the stone it hides behind. The weirdest thing is that I am not afraid. I know that they would kill me if they could get to me, but I am still just standing there, totally calm, because I know they can't enter the stone circle.

The dream is getting more vivid and detailed each time I have it, but I never see the creatures clearly. They both stay hidden in the shadows. When the give up on getting to me, they spot each other and the frustration and build up anger makes them attack each other. They tumble into the dark forest and I can hear them snarl and hiss as they are fighting.

I always wake up feeling that the dreams are trying to tell me something, like there is a message , but I just can't fully grasp it. The feeling of freedom still linger in my body as I am trying to pull myself out of bed. I wish I could keep this feeling all day, because I miss feeling something beside pain and sorrow. God I am tired of feeling like a zombie. In the end the empty nothingness always remain the free feeling and I am pulled back to the hole.

With a sigh I grab my phone. I want to call Davina and ask her to do something, anything that can make me forget him for a moment. But when I find her name on the list, my eyes slide to the name underneath it.

Mark. Of course ! Freedom and belonging exist in the real World to. I had experienced it in the circle I made, and maybe Mark can help me get it back.

"It's Mark". His friendly voice sounded from the other end.

"Hi it's Soleil. You know Davina's friend". I say.

"Oh yeah. Well hello Sol. What's up ?" I can hear the smile in his voice.

"I was wondering if you were free ? Because then.. Well maybe I could come by and we could talk about.. that thing". I feel nervous.

"That wicca thing". He says with a small laugh. "Sure you can. I am home this afternoon if you like to come by there".

"Sounds perfect. I need a break from studying to the exam anyways". I say. I am failing anyway.

"Oh happy that time is long gone for me. But see you later then". He say and we end the phone call.

Later as I stand outside Marks door I almost regret and walk away. But the memory of the magic circle makes me change my mind.

"Well hi again". He says as he opens the door and shows me inside.

Marks lives in a small one bedroom apartment, not very far from my house. His living room is a chaos of computer equipment, graphic novels and cd's with heavy metal music. On three walls are impressing display of fantasy swords and against the last wall is what looks like an alter with ritual stuff. From the web pages I recognize the cauldron, the pentagram and the black dagger Athame.

"You look like you could use some sugar". He says with a small laugh.

"I don't know what I could use any longer, what I need". I mumble, slumping into an armchair.

"So how is your search for the devine going ?" He asks from the small kitchen.

"Honestly not very good". I answer. "I managed to create the magic circle, but then my mom barged in and she totally flipped".

"Fuck, well then you have learned something for the next time". He says handing me a glass of cola.

"You don't really sound surprised".

He points to the piercings in his ear. "I think we have all dealt with parents that didn't understand or approved".

"Oh sure, Got it". I say with a nod.

"But how was it then ? Before you mother ruined it all". He asks.

"It was crazy. It felt so utterly perfect. I was sitting in the middle of all that energy. I was close to being truly happy". I say smiling at the memory. "But then after, I wasn't sure if I had done it right. I just wish those pages could agree on what is right and wrong".

Mark nod, flopping down on the couch. "Wicca is a very wide span thing; There isn't really any strict set of rules to follow. Most wiccans are eclectic. It means they do their worship, their paganism in private, making their own rituals as it fits them best".

"That might be it. All those gods confuses me". I say with a shrug. "I don't getting the mixing up the nordic, greek and celtic mythologies into one big mess".

"You just take what you can use and leave the rest". He answers. "For some people it makes more sense to stay within one mythology, others see each god and goddess for their specific skills. They all have their own skill set you can use in a given ritual. Does that any sense ?" He takes a sip of his glass.

"Yeah I think so. Like you would call on Afrodite if you want to make someone fall in love with you right ?" I say with a slow nod.

"Yeah, but not a good idea using magic on others without their consent. It's unethical". He wink at me. "But you can ask her to boost you seductive powers. Afrodite is a great example by the way, she symbolises desire, passion and sexuality, her son Eros stands for love and relationships".

"But why not use Freja then ? Isn't she like the same as Afrodite ?" I ask.

"Well yeah they have the same meaning, the same nature and are both believed to be early fertility goddesses, but they are not totally the same. Freja is also associated with magic and war. She receive half of the fallen warriors, the other half goes to Odin". He is using his hands alot explaining.

He continues. "Afrodite sticks to things concerning love and the feminine beauty. In Cyprus she was worshipped as the foam-born goddess, she had a connection to the sea there, but in Nordic mythology that job falls to Freja's father, Njord".

"So what you are saying that with more gods and goddesses in play, you can pick very specifically when you Call on one for a spell ?" I say.

Mark nods and gets up. "This is my book of shadows". He say showing me a black leatherbound book. "I have collected everything I have learned about wicca in this. You should start making one". He sit in the couch, opening the book. "Look here I have written about the God and Goddess. Wiccans believe that everything is connected by the same energy, but they are polarised in a masculine and feminine aspect.

"Yeah that part I got. Kind of like yin and yang right ?" I move to sit beside him so I can see the book.

"Exactly". He flip the page. "The moon repræsentant the goddess and her four phases. The waxing moon is the virgin, the spring, the beginning. When the moon is here you can use Your ritual to achieve things you want to happen. Wishes you want to come true and such".

He points to the next chapter. "The full moon represent the mother, the summer and the fertility; this is when Your magic is strongest too, most potent. This is the time for magic that needs to last. Like love magic, you can bind the power of attraction with the help of Aphrodite". He say moving his finger to the last moon symbol. "Here is the waning moon, it is the sorceress or the bitch, but it might be kinder calling her the wise woman. She is autumn and the end of the moons journey. This is where rituals are used to eliminate bad habits, like stop smoking".

"And what is this ?" I point to a bit of text at the bottom where there is no symbol.

"Those are the days where the moon is dark. The goddess is sleeping, some say she is dead. It's the winter time, the time to do protection spells against ilements and negative energy".

"Okay the fourth phase I hadn't heard about before, only the Virgin, the mother and the wise woman".

"So do you know the four phases of the God ?" He asks.

"I Think so, let me see". I scrunch up my face, counting on my fingers. "The youth is spring, in the summer we have the hero, in the autumn the king rules and in the winter we have the wizard right ?"

"God ! And again it is different what you call each aspect,  but they symbolises the Sun's movement through the year, like the goddess' aspects symbolises the moons changes". Mark flips a bit forward in the book, handing it to me. "This is a bit about how it all started.

I try skimming down the page, trying to decipher Mark's crows feet writing, making a face.

"Or I can save your eyes from bleeding and just tell you". He say grinning, taking the book back. "You can say it started with a woman named Margaret Murray. She was a british anthropologue and egyptologue who studied some court documents from the inquisition". Mark sits up more straight, looking in his book. "Oh here it is. In 1921 she published a book called 'The witch cult in western Europe', were she claimed to have found a fertility God from before christianity hidden behind the accused witches confessions of devil worshipping. She called him 'The horned one', a nature spirit with goat's legs and horns, to symbolise the nature he was protecting and she claimed it was the church who turned him into something evil, to scare the heathenings into repentance". He ended but pointing to the picture of The horned God drawn in the book.

After a moment he continues. "She argued that this God had a female aspect, like Diana and Dianus in roman mythology, who are two sides of one God. He called the before Christianity believe for the Dianacult". He empty his glass. "She described them from what witches confessed during the witch trials".

"But isn't that like .. bullshit ? I mean those women were tortured". I say feeling confused.

He nods. "Yes and a lot of it has been disclaimed, some still believes it though. No matter what, this was the rebirth of witchcraft".

"I have to admit I am a bit deflated. One of the things I really felt in all this was the fact that it was ancient and had survived for all this time". I admit.

"Well the idea of being one with nature, the use of plants, the wise women, this is all things that has always existed, it is only the more controlled version and name wiccan that is new. If that makes any sense. It is kind of pieced together from old rituals and  believes from all over the World". Mark looks up with a big grin. "Sorry I tend to ramble".

I giggle. "Well I hadn't noticed at all".

"Well that is kind of how it is when you are into something". He say with a little shrug.

"It's very exciting actually, just don't ask me to write an essay about it". I say grinning.

"No, but I do expect you to have you own book of shadows when I see you again". When I look scared he starts grinning. "Just kidding, there is a lot to take in and we'll just take it slowly".

I don't know what to feel. I mean I kinda feel it is cheating, you know telling people that it is ancient, when it is just a PR stunt to get more members". The Zombie feeling has started creeping up on me.

"Don't worry, it isn't that bad. From a historical perspective there has always been cults worshipping a mother goddess. It is the notion that all the rituals and spells we use today, is ancient too, that is not true".

"I think I get it". I say. "But what then, if wicca isn't ancient, what is it then ?"

"To me it is a quite new religion based on ancient philosophies spiced up with people's own vision. That's why Wicca is so special. We don't have many rules and there isn't one final truth". He smiles. "There isn't much more theory I can tell you, you need to decide Your own path".

"That's fine, you answered most of my questions and made a lot of new ones pop up". I decide not to ask about the wind now, it has to be another time. "Thank you for helping me".

"My pleasure. You know if you..". Mark seems hesitant for a moment. "My coven will get together for midsummer sabbath. You are welcome to join us. Then you could see Wiccan practised".

"I don't think we have any plans, but we usually go watch the bonfires down by the lake, it's a tradition". I say.

"You are thinking of St. John's eve sweetie". Mark says smiling. "Summer solstice is on the twenty first. St. John's eve on the twenty fourth with bonfires the Night before".

I nod. "Oh but the twenty first is my birthday, so we are having a party the next day".

"You are born on summer solstice ?" Mark is staring at me, then he lights up in a smile. "You are turning 18 this year right ?" I nod, a bit uncertain. "It has to be a sign. In old times they did a rite, marking the transition from child to adult. Back then it happened at 15-16 years old. But today you are not considered an adult before you are 18. So today you would do it at the 18th birthday".

"Does it come with a drivers license ?" I ask ironically.

He laughs shortly. "That you have to take with Your parents. But seriously there is a very special astronomical event happening this year, there is a super full moon two days after summer solstice".

"Super full moon ?"

"Yup. It means the moon is full at the same time as it is as close to earth as it gets. And summer solstice is when earth is closest to the sun. So on this day we are as close to both of them as possible.. at the same time. That you turn 18 right when this is happening, it has to mean something big. Please consider coming. It would be so perfect".

I breathe in. "Okay then, I promise to think about it".