Something woke you in the middle of the night. You couldn't feel arms around your, and rolled over to see that you were alone in bed. What the hell? You looked at the window, and you saw John, just peering out the window with threads of silver moonlight casting across his face. Even in the minimal light, you could see that his eyes were round, and he was breathing heavily. 

"John?" you murmured, your warm voice reverberating through the cold darkness. 

He started and looked at you, letting out a tense, yet brief, breath. "Did I wake you?" he whispered. 

You smoothed the sheets around you and sat up. "Yeah, I noticed you weren't in bed."

"I'm sorry, honey," he said, looking at the floor.

You noticed his hand at his side was trembling. Oh no... Not again. You slid your feet to the floor and reached out to take his hand. "It's okay. Come back to bed." 

He came back around the bed and lay under the covers, sighing with his eyes trained on the ceiling. John's hands were clasped on his stomach, and went almost entirely still aside from the occasional rise-fall of his chest.

You cuddled closer to him, your cheek resting on his shoulder. "It's okay, baby, you're safe," you hummed.

John closed his eyes. "I know... I know..." he groaned. "... Don't know why I can't relax."

You gingerly wrapped your arm around his midsection, your fingers stroking his side. "You were in that Gulag for a long time, John," you said. "It's normal to be on edge for a while."

He turned his head to look at you. "... But I'm not there anymore. No one's punched, beat, or stabbed me in weeks. I shouldn't be waking up in the middle of the night patrolling my house, or looking outside my window for commandos, or get defensive when someone walks directly toward me, or even feel panicked when someone uses a lighter to light a cigar." John swallowed hard and looked away. "I'm okay, so why don't I feel okay..?"

John had never been that open with you, even after you'd gotten married. For him to let down his guard and tell you what was going on inside his head- for him to tell you how he felt- was beyond surprising; it was astounding. You looked from his eyes to his body. He was covered in jagged scars, some shallow and pale, others deep and dark, no doubt evidence of him being cut, stabbed, and burned. It hurt when you thought about what all of the things he'd endured. 

You sighed softly. "I know I can't make you feel better..." you said. "But I can at least shoulder some of the weight with you."

A small but sad grin crossed his face. "Thank you, baby..." He opened his eyes again and looked at you. "I'm really sorry; I know it's hard seeing me like this... And I know I haven't been easy to live with lately because of it," he said, glancing away again. "I hope you know I notice everything you do for me." John pulled you closer and kissed your forehead. "You've been so patient with me since I came home; I know it's not easy."

You kissed him, silencing him. "Hush," you whispered. "It's not hard to love you, if that's what you're trying to say." You touched his face with your fingertips, and he held your hand against his cheek with a deep, relieved sigh. 

"You're too good to me..." he said, a real smile pulling at his mouth this time. He kissed you again and ran his fingers through your hair. "I love you, (Y/N)."

"I love you, too," you said, laying another kiss on his lips.

You kissed for a little while more when he deepened the kiss and rolled you on your back under him. You were a little surprised at the way he held you down by your waist and looked you up and down. He had been distant, and very hesitant to even be affectionate for the last few weeks; this was definitely a change.

He locked eyes with you and his expression softened. "Can we..?"

"You've clearly been gone too long if you think I'd ever say no to that question," you said, reaching up to pull him closer for another kiss.

--

John pushed you back down to the bed and pulled your soft, white pajama top off. He studied you for a moment and then leaned down to kiss your breast. His hand went to your other breast and gently squeezed it, his fingertips playing over your nipple. 

Your hands drifted down his sides and between his legs. He gave a small hum of enjoyment as you slipped your hand into his boxers and stroked him. You could feel him getting harder, and hips started to flex against you; you loved it when he was like this, when instinct took over and he was barely in control of his movements.

He slipped off your panties and gently rubbed your clit in small circles. He could feel your legs flinching with pleasure, and smiled as he pushed his fingers into you, keeping his thumb on your clit. When you released a tense breath, he swirled his tongue on your nipple, pressing a pleasured moan out of you.

You continued to stroke him before he moved your hand aside and guiding it to his body, allowing you to clutch his shoulders. You used your free hand to pull his boxers off, and it seemed to be all the cue he needed to stop restraining. He grasped your hips and pulled you onto him, his length penetrating deep into you. You groaned and slowly let out a pleasure cry, digging your nails into his skin, but keeping your grip soft so as not to hurt him.

He moaned into your skin, starting to breathe harder. His hips pounded against yours, getting faster and faster every time you moaned and whimpered. John clutched you tighter by the waist, a deep, strained moan echoing in his chest. "Ahhhh, fuck..." he groaned. You wrapped your legs around his lower back, and he gritted his teeth, thrusting even faster.

"You like that, baby?" you whimpered, rocking your hips against his.

He uttered a cry. "Y-yeah..." he breathed.

As he came close to climax, he propped himself up with one arm, while using the other to hold you close to his chest. He made one last groan, feeling you cum over his manhood and legs, and felt a rush of relief, cumming inside you. He was panting, and laid you back down on the bed, kissing you.

You took several deep, soothing breaths between kisses, and were finally able to speak. "Feeling better?" you asked.

He nodded slowly. "Yeah...  Thank you, honey."

You ran your fingers through his hair and kissed his forehead. "Of course. I love you."

John smiled and planted one more kiss on your lips. "I love you, too."