Chapter 30 - Decision

As I head to the stables I still feel numb, like I’m not really here. I still feel sick and can’t believe all that has happened. I still hope I’ll wake up any moment now and all this would be a bad dream. It’d only be the beginning of summer and nothing of this would’ve happened. I would only have Liv and Charlie and I’d be ready to endure my last summer here.

But I keep breathing, I keep walking and I feel my nails burying in my arms, reminding me that I am awake, I feel pain. Even if I wish to every star in the sky that this is a nightmare, I know it’s not. No matter for how long I stayed in the toilet, crying, hating myself, hating every choice I made, every turn I took… nothing will change. I can’t undo what has happened this summer and although I was happy at some point, now I look back and I only feel regret, and hatred towards myself for being fool enough to fall in Rhonda’s game. I stepped right into where she wanted me all this time.

I’m so proud of you.

Oh God, I feel like throwing up all over again when I remember her smile, her words, the way she looked at me. How… dear God, how did I end up here? How’s that I never saw it coming? I allowed myself to be blinded with all the happiness and sparks Niall brought along. With the butterflies in my stomach and all the drama of falling for a guy I shouldn’t fall for.

I allowed myself to get caught in a cliché drama and I ended up doing what I ran away from all these years. I ended up doing what I never wanted to do… and I didn’t even realise it until it was too late.

I’m not surprised when I see Niall in the stables, I knew he would be here. I came here hoping to find him here. I can’t undo what I did, but I can end all this. He turns around and looks in my direction, worry written all over his face but a smile creeps its way to his lips as his eyes light up and he starts walking over to where I am. I stopped the moment I saw him.

I feel a jab in my chest, hurting me mercilessly for what I feel for him. I knew I was falling for him but now I’m afraid I actually fell for him in this summer, in these almost three months since I met him. And that only makes things worse.

“Ella,” he calls me, reaching out for me with his hands, but I don’t move so he has to actually grab my hands, which I keep at my sides, and pull them towards him. “Are you okay? How did it go?” He asks and I can hear his concern.

I’m numb. I’m still numb. But I still feel pain and remorse.

I know it’s not his fault, he’s a piece in this game, just as much as I am, and maybe he can’t escape from this, but I can. I still can refuse to be part of this. That’s what I have left.

“Whatever she told you she’d do, I’m sure we can do something about it. Don’t be scared,” he speaks again, pulling me closer but I still don’t speak a word, I just look at him.

Those big blue eyes, so expressive, so honest. He is a good boy, he is a nice, caring, sweet and extremely sappy boy.

That smile, so heart-warming, so contagious. Just like his laughter. That smile that never failed to make me smile, until today.

This amazing boy, so cute and wonderful, so happy and optimistic. This is the boy who made me fall for a celebrity, who made me realise many things, but he’s also the guy who made me forget some of the most important things I stand for. He’s the guy who made me lose against Rhonda. He made me betray myself. Being with him means giving into what I’ve fought for so many years. He may be worth many things, but he’s not worth this. No one is worth giving up on what I believe and what’s important to me, even if it’s not important for no one else. It is important to me.

“Ella?” He asks as his left hand cups my face and I feel his thumb brushing away a tear. A tear I didn’t feel escaping “What happened, love?”

“She’s happy,” I answer, my voice hoarse and foreign, even for myself. Niall looks confused, I can read him easily now. “She’s happy that I’m with you. This is what she wanted all this time, for me to follow what she dreams of for Jenny, Kimmy… and I— I’m doing exactly what she wants me to do.”

Niall blinks a couple of times, trying to understand. I wonder if that’s how I looked when Rhonda was telling me all this this afternoon.

“That’s… that’s great, then. We don’t have to worry about her, she won’t ask you to break up with me!” He exclaims, getting excited with every word but I close my eyes and shake my head, stepping back.

This is important to me. Too important to me.

“No, you don’t get it. She’s the woman who made me suffer all these years. She’s the woman who changed all what my father worked so hard to build. She’s the woman who closed the door to all those people my father wanted to help just to bring celebrities here so her daughters could be with one and have that glamorous life. She’s the woman who treated me like a slave all these years. She’s the woman I’ve hated for so many years, and I’m just doing what she wants. I’m pleasing her. I’m pleasing the woman I hate. Don’t you see the problem here, Niall?” I end up almost screaming and Niall looks so confused, but I don’t blame him. It’s not easy to understand what’s happening here.

“Who cares about her?” He asks, trying to step closer and grab my hand, but I step back.

“I care! Don’t you see? I hate her. Hate means you care at some level, a different level. You don’t understand the real meaning of hatred, when every part of you screams to do the opposite of what that person wants you to do. When you can’t just accept anything of what that other person does. I. Hate. Rhonda. I hate her so much and I can’t even conceive to do something she loves, something that makes her this happy. I can’t!”

“Ella… what are you trying to say?” He asks and I step even farther away from him, slightly shaking out of sheer frustration.

“I can’t be the one who makes her happy, Niall. I can’t. Because by doing that, I’m betraying myself. All this time I’ve been the poor girl who had to do everything Rhonda told her to do, all these years I’ve been nothing but her slave. The bloody Cinderella of the fucking fairy tale!” I yell, frustrated with all this, with the life I’ve had so far. “My consolation was that I wasn’t part of her game. I was just the slave, but I was still me. I refused to go drooling after every celebrity like Jenny and Kimmy. I refused to love what she loves. I refused to be what she wanted me to do. And it turns out that I am doing exactly what she wants me to do. I’m exactly what I’ve been fighting against all these years, Niall. That’s the problem! I’ve betrayed myself. All what I’ve done, all what I’ve stood for all these years is nothing now! Because I’m making her happy.”

I’m breathing heavily, letting go of all the anger I’ve held for so many years. All the tears I kept inside. All those screams I never shouted because I had to behave. All that frustration for seeing her changing everything my dad built up. All that sadness because I didn’t even have this place anymore to remember what my father started.

She took that away from me. I can't give her this satisfaction. She can’t win on everything.

“But Ella, what about you? What about what makes you happy?” He asks and I shake my head.

“Making her happy is what makes me the most miserable, doing what she wants me to do makes me throw up. Literally. I wish I could be indifferent towards her, but I can’t. I hate her,” I say, my voice lower, tired… just like I feel. Tired of all this.

“Ella, hating her is not good.”

“You think I don’t know!?” I shout again, frustrated that he doesn’t see the problem here. “What would you feel if the person who has made you miserable for so many years is actually the happiest with the decisions you’ve made? Would you really be able to do what makes that person happy?”

Niall doesn’t reply and I know he’s trying to understand, trying to put himself in my shoes and I rub my hands on my face, trying to put myself together and I notice how wet my cheeks are. I’ve been crying all this time.

“What about us, then?” He asks and I don’t miss the fact he didn’t answer to my question, probably because he knows he wouldn’t be able to do different. “Where does this leave us?”

“There’s no us anymore,” I reply and he loses all emotion, his expression is blank and that hurts so much. “I would never be at ease with myself knowing that by being with you I’m being the person she wants me to be.”

“Are you… are you breaking up with me because of this?” He asks and I don’t know why he does that. I’m making things clear.

There are certain things in life I can’t look over, and this is one of those things.

“Yes. Even if that hurts, but betraying myself and all what I’ve fought for all these years hurts even more. I’ve fought against Rhonda for years, I only met you this summer.”

I know my words are hurting him; my words are hurting me, as well. But it’s true. Why do I have to pick a guy over myself? Why? Cinderella left with the prince but I’m sure she got the satisfaction of knowing that she was doing exactly what her stepmother fought so hard for her not to get. Picking Niall now wouldn’t give me that satisfaction. Not picking him but choosing myself gives me that satisfaction.

There are greater things than love. Love is overrated.

“Just answer me one thing, Ella. Before you make a decision,” he speaks.

“I already made my decision,” I interrupt but he ignores me.

“Do you love me? Even a little bit?” He’s challenging me to answer, I see it in his eyes, in the way he stares at me.

Do I love him? I think I do, I think I actually fell for him. But I can live without him, I can’t live with myself if I know I’m choosing him over myself and what I believe in.

I wish I didn’t have to choose, I wish I would still be in the blissful ignorance of what I was doing. But reality has hit me, and it hit me like a train.

“I do,” I answer and his eyes sparkle with new hope, but I kill that hope immediately. “But love is not everything. I had already planned my life without you, Niall. I can live without you.”

“Ella, you’re making a mistake. This is about us, not Rhonda. She can’t tell you whom to be with!” He protests, realising that asking whether I love him or not won’t work. He even takes all the steps necessary to be in front of me, his hands cupping my face.

“Exactly. She won’t decide whom I decide to be with.” Niall looks confused, but he doesn’t know that bringing celebrities to this place was Rhonda’s plan so all of us, all of her daughters, would end up with a celebrity. She brought him here. In a way, she chose Niall for me.

It’s like in the old times, when parents would pick the best-suited man for their daughters, the one with the best title. Rhonda is doing that, she’s bringing the best-suited men, in her eyes, for her daughters to pick. But I’m not her daughter, I refuse to be part of her family.

“Ella,” Niall insists, his eyes locked on mine and I raise my hands, placing them on top of his and when he realises that he smiles faintly.

“Niall,” I say before I take his hands and pull them away. “I can’t do this. I’m sorry, but I can’t. Plus, now you won’t have to worry about trying to make this relationship work.”

“Don’t say that,” He insists but I release his hands and step away. “Ella, please, think of what you’re doing.”

“I know exactly what I’m doing. Goodbye, Niall.”

And with that, I turn around and leave, hoping he’ll understand I can’t do this. That this is the end for us. I’ll carry on with my plans and my dreams and Niall will go on with his life. What we had was brief, beautiful but brief. He won’t have difficulties moving on and I’ll be so busy living my dreams that I’ll surely forget about him pretty fast, as well. As fast as I fell for him.

And tomorrow I’ll tell Rhonda that I refuse to do what she wants me to do. That I choose my life and she can’t take pride of the things I do. I’ll take away that smile from her face and that will be the greatest satisfaction. Everything will be worth it after that. Everything.

-:-:-:-

If you think Ella is selfish, stupid, a bitch or that she made the wrong choice by breaking up with Niall, please read the one shot I posted in the new book "Aware Princess Series (Extra Material)". I can't tell you why she did the right thing, but I can show you the consequences if she didn't do what she did.

Dedication to @Emilydance for always being an amazing reader.

Bel, xx