Chapter 19 - Imminent Breakup

Charlie was right, I end up coming to the Stables, especially because I haven’t seen Niall in the whole day, even after I talked to Cami and we switched floors again. I think I can manage it now, if I ran into one of them —meaning Harry or Niall because the other three members smile politely at me and just carry on, if I ever see them— I can survive. Harry would say some lame pun of Harry Potter and I’m getting used to talk to Niall already. Maybe running into him whilst cleaning will remind me that in fact he is a guest in this centre. But I didn’t see any of the boybanders today so I come to the stable, not sure of what I’m expecting. I keep Charlie’s words in my head, telling me that pushing Niall into fixing his broken relationship is unfair for Zoe.

I did my part already, I tried to mend this situation and I have nothing else to do. Whether they fix it or not, it’s not my business anymore. I won’t insist him to try harder because if he doesn’t want to, I’m no one to force him.

Today while I was cleaning toilets I was thinking, trying to understand the real motive behind my determination into making Niall and Zoe get back together. I came up with two theories.

One. I do feel guilty for what happened, for kissing him even when I knew he had a girlfriend. What happened was as his fault as it was mine, but I can only answer for my actions, hence why I wanted to fix his relationship, as if that could erase what I did.

Two. If Niall is in a relationship I can’t have any sort of feelings for him because no matter what, I would never steal a boyfriend. It would be completely out of question and I would be safe from feeling attracted to a guest. So if he’s in a relationship, I’m safe. I can tell myself ‘it’s impossible’ and carry on; however if he’s single, a part of me will tell me ‘there’s a chance’ and I don’t want that little voice in my head.

I’m still not sure which theory is the correct one, probably a combination of both, but still. Both are very selfish and I feel kind of ashamed that I’m only thinking of myself. That’s why, for Zoe, for that girl who still hopes things can get better with Niall, for that girl who’s really trying to save her relationship… I won’t mind her business anymore.

“You came,” a voice says when I actually walk into the stable and snap back to reality.

I see Niall next to Persephone, brushing her hair as the horse seems extremely pleased. She snorts to greet me, louder than the other horses, even louder than Ares. I caress the black horse before approaching Niall, who’s smiling brightly at me.

“For a moment I thought you weren’t gonna show up,” he confesses, shyness in his voice and eyes.

Instead of telling him that I actually thought of not coming because it seems like things are getting complicated, I say, “I had things to take care of first.”

He nods and focuses on Persephone again, keeping the brushing on as I stay there, staring for a while. He is hot, I think the whole female population can agree on that, but he also has this adorable thing about him and when he’s looking at the horse, brushing the chestnut hair, he looks so calm that it makes him look a different kind of handsome.

A guy like him does belong with a gorgeous girl like Zoe, with a model. They actually look great together, whereas Niall and I don’t match together. I don’t have style, I’m simple. Yes, I like clothes but I keep it simple because well, I don’t see the point of looking nice when I’m cleaning toilets. He on the other hand, wears expensive brands and probably buys whatever thing he wants. I bet he even goes to fashion shows as a guest. I’m someone who only wants to be free and help others, he’s a worldwide popstar. The most natural thing is that he is with someone like Zoe, hopefully her. Nevertheless, a part of me hopes that he won’t care about the differences, that I won’t care and that we can actually, I don’t know, maybe, get together.

How crazy is that?

I’m not saying I’m falling for him or that I think he’s the love of my life… but Charlie may be right and I fancy him. I mean, my heart does flutter when I see him and I actually enjoy myself when we’re together, even if we’re just brushing the horses. And I may even have butterflies in my stomach when he smiles at me. I’m not sure about that yet, though.

“So,” he speaks and I snap back to reality, once again. “How was your day?”

The question is so simple and I know it comes out of politeness, but still, it makes me smile. “Long and exhausting. I’m glad it’s over,” I reply. “Your kind is so messy,” I say and he laughs.

“My kind?” He asks, looking at me with an amused grin. “What does that mean?”

“You know, famous people. Celebrities, whatever you wanna call it,” I reply shrugging and he laughs again.

“You make it sound like we’re a different species,” he adds and I chuckle.

“I get told that a lot,” I confess, thinking of all the times Liv and Charlie have told me the exact thing. “And I think studies should get carried on this subject. Maybe you are a different species.” And with that he cracks up laughing, although it’s not that funny. Still, I join him.

“We’re no different,” he says after a while. “We are just lucky, I guess. There are so many other talented people, more talented than any of us, but they haven’t got their shot. Some don’t even know they have talent, some don’t want to become famous,” he muses and I pay attention. “I guess it’s about being in the right place at the right time.”

“Like a murder,” I say and he laughs again.

“I think that’s the wrong place at the wrong time kind of thing,” he corrects me and I shrug. “But close enough.”

“I still think you’re not normal and you’re really messy. It takes me forever to clean your rooms and let’s not talk about the bathrooms. I have my therapist to deal with that,” I say although I don’t have one, but that makes him laugh, like he did at the ball, at all my lame jokes.

When he stops laughing he looks at me in a way that makes me feel like he’s seeing right through my façade, seeing the girl who’s just a bit nervous to be around him, the girl who’s trying to figure out how she exactly feels about him, the girl who keeps a secret from him. He’s watching me so intently that I feel like he knows everything, like I can’t hide a thing from him.

“I made a decision,” he says and I blink confused for a second, coming back to the present.

I need to stop getting lost in my thoughts.

“About what?” I ask to keep my mind on the current topic.

“About Zoe,” he replies and my heart stops. I really don’t know what I want to hear right now; that he’s discovered he still loves her? That he can’t be with her anymore because he wants to be with me? That he’s gay? I don’t know. “I’m gonna break up with her. For real this time. Not a break kind of thing, an ‘it’s over’ kind of thing.”

I hold my breath, not knowing how to react or what to say to those words. And I wait, he still could confess he’s gay, though.

“I really appreciate you tried to help us, but it’s pointless. I really don’t love her anymore and I can’t do this to her. I should’ve done it long time ago, but I didn’t have the balls.” Maybe he is gay…

“And what made you realise this?” I ask, my voice lower than usual.

He smiles like he has a secret, something he can’t tell me yet he wants to. Maybe Charlie talked to him and told him the same he told me about Zoe and how this is not fair for her and that he’s being a coward for doing that to her. Maybe he even made Niall read fan fictions to learn something.

I’m losing it. There must be something wrong with me today.

“Because I can’t stop thinking of this one girl,” he says and my heart speeds up, I catch a sharp breath as he keeps smiling. “And I can’t go after her if I don’t sort things out with Zoe. I can’t be with Zoe if I fancy someone else.”

I feel like puking when I hear him because it’s too much, the anxiety and expectations. I don’t even know what to say, how to reply to this.

“Zoe deserves better,” he says and I actually feel proud of him for saying that. “And I want to do things right this time so this girl won’t run away from me.”

I open my mouth to say something, my heart hammering in my chest so hard it hurts.

“I’ll find my mystery girl,” he says then, before I utter a word and everything breaks around me.

Oh God, what was I expecting? A declaration of undying love? For him to tell me ‘because I want you, Ella, and I can’t be with Zoe if I want you’? Was I actually thinking he was talking about me?

Yeah, he means his mystery girl and that girl is me, but he doesn’t know that, which means he’s not exactly thinking of me.

Jeez, that’s confusing.

But it’s true. That night at the ball I wasn’t myself, I was a girl using a mask, a girl who would comfort a celebrity because it didn’t matter. A girl who pretended to be a princess for a night. I wasn’t myself, I wasn’t Ella, the toilet girl who’s just waiting for this summer to end so she can start living her life. That night he just saw a part of me, a part that is hidden under so many other parts of me, yet he wants that part of me. He doesn’t want the girl who meets him at the stables, he wants Cinderella. I’m not Cinderella, I’m Arabella. He doesn’t want the toilet girl, he wants the girl who kissed him under the disco ball.

I may fancy him, the guy who can open up to me so easily, the guy who is still a bit wary about the horses but who loves to be near them. The guy with the beautiful blue ocean eyes who smiles so honestly and whom the horses adore. Niall, on the other hand, wants the girl with the mask, not the real one. He doesn’t know that girl and if he finds out it’s me… then he’ll be disappointed. If he liked me, he wouldn’t look for the mystery girl… he would just tell me he wants me.

Well, well… it does seem I fancy him. Charlie was right and I don’t have a chance with him because I lost… I lost against myself, a part of me who only lived for an hour.

I ignore the pain in my chest, that jab there making it hard to breathe. It’s okay, I’m not surprised, this is normal. The girl from the ball is more like what Niall would like.

“Well, if you really don’t love Zoe, it’s fair you let her know that. She deserves to move on,” I say, my voice strangled and I see him frowning at me.

“Are you mad ‘cos I’m gonna break up with her?” He inquires, his eyebrows almost meeting.

“No,” I say. I’m upset because you don’t like the real me. “I’m proud. She deserves honesty. I just thought you maybe still loved her.”

“I wanted to still love her, but I don’t. I stopped long ago,” he explains with a sad smile and I nod. “I should’ve done this long ago.”

Again, I nod. “Good luck, then. I hope you two end up, at least, as friends. Now I better get going. I have loads of work tomorrow.”

“You’re leaving already?” He asks really surprised, but I can’t stay there any longer, I can’t look him in the eyes when the irony of this situation is choking me.

“Yeah. See you around,” I say and before patting Persephone goodbye, I give Niall a last smile, turn on my heels and leave, avoiding to think, avoiding to accept reality. I push aside all my thoughts. All of them. My head in blank, I only focus on that and only that.

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Dedication to @iMoustache for that witty comment. It was one line but it made me laugh for three hours: "Guys, stop being rebecca black". I still laugh.

Bel, xx