De'Shawn's POV :

Life without my husband is harder than I ever thought. I miss him so much in every way possible, but at least I know he's okay. As long as I know he's not dead, nor with another woman then I'm good. The kids are still sensitive about it but as long as they speak to him as much as they can, they can live with it.

Chris' daughter Royalty comes over from time to time along with my little sisters. They keep Trinity occupied, but Shario seems to be leaning towards isolating himself from reality. He doesn't like being around girls all the time, and he don't make friends at school so, most of the time he's under me like he used to be under his Daddy.

Shario is my own little twin. He always wants to do what I do. As far as raising a son, I'm doing a great job as if it's in my nature. I think being a Tom Boy all my childhood paid off pretty well. He may not like baking around his female cousins and sister but he most definitely loves being around Slim. All he ask for when he's done with home schooling for the day is "Where's Tee Tee Kami?"

Slim loves on him as if he's her own and takes great care of Maria too. I feel like she caters to them more than she does Royalty. But I understand her, it's hard being a step mom. Especially when the kid came before you. That's why I'm at least grateful for the fact that I was in the situation I was in. Even thought my situation was fucked up.

Chris and Slim have a love that is misunderstood, something like D & I's. I think it's the "Smith" thing. Fortunately, Slim is capable of having kids. The unfortunate part is that they agreed on not having children because it would avoid problems. It most definitely will keep her at-least 80% safe. So, Chris was looking out for her. I'm assuming the plan was for them to play house with his daughter from another woman that he met while she was in prison but it's not the same. When a woman wants a family, a mother woman's child isn't gonna fill that void.

Lately with Maria's hormones going wild because of the babies coming soon, Slim has been having silent baby fever. She's been giving Maria more help than I have. I'm starting to feel like a bad mother. I invited Slim to help me cook dinner tonight, instead of her usual scheduled protected sex with Chris since the kids are usual in the game room at this time. Chris didn't seem to mind at all, which is weird because it more than like his idea that they needed to make that schedule in the first place. I expect to hear him bothering us To steal her away soon. I'm cool with that, though. I just need to get her to vent before she let her thoughts become her.

Slim: "I washed my hands, whatcha need me to do, Boss?" She approached me. She had a black apron on but her perfectly perky cleavage managed to peak out the top. He nipples press through the black fabric indicating she doesn't have a bra on. I never been so turned on by staring at breast this much in my life.

Me: "Uhh.. I need you to make the cornbread and cut them potatoes please." I demanded.. still staring at her breast.

Slim: "Miss them?" She asked with a giggle as she grabbed what she needed to cook.

Me: "I'm sorry, I just haven't seen them in a while. That's all." I laughed embarrassingly and shook my head.

Slim: "Yeah, I know. I usually cover them up because Chris hates them out all the time." She admitted.

Me: "Yeah, same with D. Otherwise I'd walk around naked if I want to." I joked and we joined in laughter. "So.. what's been on your mind lately?"

Slim: "W-what do you mean?" She asked hesitantly.

Me: "I noticed you've been really close to Maria lately.. does it have anything to do with the babies coming soon?" I questioned.

Slim : "I mean.. yeah I guess you can say that." She avoided the question.

Me: "You want kids, don't you?" I asked.

Slim: "I do." She said sadly as she looked away from me.

Me: "Take your advice from me, be grateful of what you have now. Let the baby fever pass." I suggested.

Slim: "I try but when I see you and your kids and then Maria with hers, it's takes a toll on me. Chris has a daughter but he doesn't want one with me. I don't understand.." she said as she began to tear up.

Me: "Don't cry," I comforted her. I pulled her close to me by her hands and rubbed them with my thumb. "He loves you, Slim. That is the only reason why he won't let you have his child or let you bring a child into this world while you're with him. The only person he thought about was you in this situation and remember, you signed up for this."

Slim: "I know.. but how do you and D manage to deal with having kids in this lifestyle? Maria turned out great."

Me: "My kids are in danger every day of their lives just by who's blood run through their veins. We manage because we don't have a choice. You're free from that fear of waking up one day and your child has been taken from you. You're free from that fear that at any given moment and time someone could be killed right in front of your eyes. Your free from worrying about if your child is gonna make it home from school everyday so you pick them up even when you don't have the time to. Or even having to live with relatives and homeschool those kids when your husband isn't around to protect you. I'd say you're lucky.. Chris knows it'll be too much. He's probably already feeling like a burden because you have to worry about him coming home at times as well. Imagine how you feel about him.. now make it a hundred times stronger. That's what it's like to be a Smith with kids on a good day." I explained.

Slim: "I never thought of it like that.."she responded.

Me: "Now, you have.. if you feel like you can handle having kids. Talk to Chris about it. If he ever decides to plant a seed in you, I'll help you grow it."

Slim: "That sounded so wrong but thank you, Daddy- I mean, Shawny.." She corrected herself. Her cheeks turned rosey as she looked away then back up at me.

Me: "Mm.. you're welcome." I mumbled before leaning down and kissing her lips softly as I lifted her chin with my index finger. She blushed as we pulled away and went back to cooking like nothing ever happened. Soon after, Chris joined us in the kitchen. I just knew he couldn't wait.

After 9 months of carrying a beautiful Babygirl and boy. Maria gave birth to Terrence Jr. & Jyi Jaki De'shawn Herring last night. As I promised, De'Mario was able to see her give birth and was able to cut the umbilical cord as well. They both looked more proud than everyone in the room. That father/daughter Love is something strong. I cherish that about them so much because I wish me and my biological father could've had the chance to experience. I bet D wishes the same, so he made it with his daughter. When you're young with kids, you grow with them. They become your best friends.

Speaking of my father, I really need to go see him. The justice system failed him miserably and he's in prison for something he truly didn't do.. for something my step brother done to get back at me. An eye for an eye.. is that how the world goes? I fought the hardest I could to make them let him walk free, but there's nothing I could do about it now. I failed him and now the only time I'll see him is behind bars.

D: "Why you so quiet?" He asked as he walked up on my buy something to snack on out the vending machine.

Me: "Just been thinking about my Dad all morning." I said truthfully. He nodded slowly showing his understanding.

D: "Trust me, pops is alright. Ive seen him damn near every day lately and I tell him that we know he's innocent. We gone fix this, Baby. I promise." He kissed my forehead and pulled to one of the tables in the cafeteria.

Me: "Thank you, that really helps me worry less. How long is your visit again?" I asked him.

D: "I got five more days then I'm back in there to finish my sentence." He explained before blowing out a deep breath.

Me: "This week is gonna go by too fast!" I whined and pouted. He nodded and leaned over the table to kiss my lips softly.

D: "Don't worry baby. Let's just enjoy it." He caressed my cheek with his thumb and smiled as he stared into my eyes. My heart really does beat for him.

During the evening, is adults decided to get the kids back to Chris' house for dinner and then bed. D & I will be going back to the hospital later with a plate for Maria. We all know that hospital food nasty as fuck.

As we waited on the food to cook, the adults sat on the living room. De'Mario & Chris decided to drink the night away with Slim and I as their supervisors. We watched the mood go from "let's talk about the weather" to "Let me tell you about your father" in just a matter of minutes. Listening to these niggas talking drunk gave me a better understanding of them than asking them direct questions in person.

Chris: "Bro, bro. Look at them." He said staring at us.

D: "Why they so quiet?" He said with a chuckle.

Chris: "See, they not quiet when they be alone. Over there kissing and holding hands when we not around." He blurted. Me and Slim looked at each other nervously. Did he see us that one day? Or is he just joking?

D: "Mhm, I know they fucking. Look at em both. I don't blame em, they both fine as hell." He laughed and they dapped each other.

Chris: "They should let us watch" he suggested crazily. D agreed with him and they both looked at us.

Me: "I'm gonna check on the food." I stood and walked to the kitchen.

Slim: "I have to use the bathroom." She said as she stood and rushed down the hall to the bathroom. D followed me into the kitchen, and wrapped his arms around my waste before whispering in my ear.

D: "I ain't drunk, I'm buzzed. But I play my role well, huh?" He asked as he turned me around and stared into my eyes. "Who is Kamryn to you and why do you call her Slim?"

Me: "I just know her from prison..and she's skinny." I said truthfully.

D: "Did you fuck her?" He questioned.

Me: "Why are you asking me these questions?!" I shouted. I can feel my heart pounding quickly to the rhythm of the breaths I'm taking now.

D: "Because I see the way you look at her. Chris mentioned it before but I didn't want to ask you about it until I seen it for myself.. Do you love her?"

Me: "I do.. but it's not like how I love you. It's deep but not the same.." I explained.

D: "Then what is it?"

Me: "She's loyal, a great listener, very attractive and I see myself in her soul itself. I love her like how you love me.. but we don't love each other like how we love you and Chris. We knew what it was before we started messing around. I was helping her with getting Chris back and she was helping me with the second deepest secret I was struggling to keep all my life. We vowed to never speak of or to each other since then and here we are.." I vented.

D: "Second deepest secret?" He asked.

Me: "That's all you got out of that?" I frowned.

D: "No,I'll talk to you about that other shit later. What's this other secret?"

Me: "I'll tell you when we get to the hospital. Help me make these plates please."

The drive to the hospital was the most awkward with D staring into my soul through the side of my face. I don't even think I felt him blink yet. I think he's thinking too hard about this, I really don't feel like this secret is none of his business.. or anybody's for that matter.

When we entered Maria's room, we gave her the plate I wrapped for her. It was just a matter of seconds before she started smashing. D didn't hesitate to tell her we were stepping out, which I didn't volunteer for. He gripped my arm, as if I'm a rebellious teenage girl, and pulled me out the room behind him.

D: "It's time to talk." He pushed me against the wall and blocked me in between his extended arms

Me: "Why is this so important to you? Can't you just let it go?" I asked pleadingly.

D: "I've known you for eighteen years, we've been through everything under the sun together, and I married you. Why wouldn't a secret as deep as you liking women, not be important to me?" He answered genuinely.

Me: "Baby, I know but.. it's embarrassing.."

D: "Want me to tell you a secret first, then?" He offered.

Me: "Fine." I crossed my arms and he sighed deeply.

D: "Every Since I met Chris, I've been jealous of him in a way. I feel like my pops loved him more and shit. Plus he damn near had shit handled for me, I was treated like a damn mistake. Even though I love my brother and we can come to each other for anything, it'll always be that feeling inside me that's like 'Damn, he was the favored child." He vented.

Me: "You. De'Mario Smith. You're jealous of your brother because your father didn't show you as much attention? Yet, he trusted you with his lifestyle as a young adult before he was forced to let your brother in on the secret. There's no doubt in my mind your dad loved the both of you equally. He just showed it different. You're a strong man, baby. Attention isn't what you need. You need power and a platform. He gave you his. It may be a fucked up gift but it's all he knows. He chose you over Chris. I mean, yeah you have his name. But if he didn't believe you were worthy enough for the position, you wouldn't be there. You probably wouldn't be alive."

D: "Yeah.." he nodded and kissed my forehead. "You right.. now your turn."

Me: "When I was thirteen," I started. "I got pregnant and was forced to have an abortion. The abortion was illegally executed, which means it never reflected on my medical records. Therefore, if that is what caused my infertility then the doctors will never know. Neither will I.."

D: "How far along were you?" He asked.

Me: "I don't remember.. I just know it was too far long for me to get a legal abortion." I said truthfully. "Well, that's what I assumed. I remember seeing a baby bump is all I know. I was only thirteen, D. I was just learning how to masturbate then."

D: "Did you want the baby?" He asked.

Me: "I mean, yeah. I thought that maybe if I had a baby, things would be different or better. But, after the abortion and I got older, I realized that the baby belonged to my rapist.. not just me. So that helped me forget about it altogether."

D: "How come no one knew any of this shit was happening to you? All this abuse from this man and nobody asked questions nor suspected anything was wrong."

Me: "Black families don't care about the sex offender in the family. They all just act like they don't exist and never speak on it or who it's happening to. But, what they do care about is teenage pregnancies and homosexuals in the family. There was no way I was gonna come out to my family and they damn sure wasn't about to let me be pregnant at thirteen."

D: "I really can not imagine the shit you went through." He looked deeply into my eyes. "But, I'm proud that you survived and is here to have your happy ending."

Happy ending, huh? I guess I am doing pretty good. It's crazy that it's really 18 years later and I'm a grandmother with 3 kids and a husband now. We're happy with each other and that matters. Some day I'm going to look back at them and see a lifetime of memories. I'll be glad to say that I was there to witness and I'll be proud to say most of them changed my life.

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