De'Shawn's POV

Isn't it crazy to feel like you're stuck but free at the same time? Is it unusual to love someone dangerously but don't want them at all? Is it okay for your feelings to grow stronger for the wrong person for the 1000th time again? Is it possible for the impossible to be meant to be? Or... have I went completely insane? I guess, we'll never know.
For the last two and a half months, I've been helping Maria care for her father. After she moved back home with him, I had no excuse to tell Dre about where I've been all the time. So, I just told him straight up as soon as possible. Was he mad? He was furious. Do I care? No, not at all. Anyway, I must be honest and say that this experience has really helped me cope with many of my troubles from the past. Seeing how much pain D was in when the healing process began, Hearing him cry at night whenever he thought the house was empty and that no one could hear him, Feeling the presence of guilt fill the room every time Maria and I catered to him, every little thing we've done opened his eyes to the parts he used to be blind to. Parts I thought he'd never see or appreciate. Parts I couldn't do enough of because it seemed like it never mattered to him. Parts that are now the only thing that I can offer him because my love is no longer an option.

I could fall again.. I could
be falling again but just pulled my parachute and just sailing down. I just refuse to be hurt again. I would be hurting myself by allowing De'Mario to win this time. I'm hurting inside already because I'm still dumbfounded by the fact that he left me for a bitch that did nothing but played victim just to get close to him and hurt him. No one understands the pain I felt the day he pushed me to even attempt to commit suicide. No one knows.. Crying was my weakness then. Now, the tears for that situation have dried. No. They've only gotten stubborn and refused to come out for it anymore. That must be it because the situation alone still churns my stomach at the thought. I feel down whenever I catch a glimpse of the man I married years ago. I still get speechless whenever he gives me that look. The same Look he gave me the day I married him. The same look he gave me when he found out I was pregnant. That look could melt a thousand hearts. And after all the times he has hurt me, that look still heats mine right up to the center. That look reaches my mind and taps into my thoughts. Causing me to rethink my life. Causing me to wonder what the fuck happened to us. How did we get here? Once upon a time we were one. He was the left to my right. He was the laugh to my jokes. I was the heart to his brain. I was the dream to his nightmares. And somehow after all that fighting for each other we did. He became my nightmare and I will forever be just a dream to him. Somebody that he used know... Somebody that loved him unconditionally and he let slip right through his fingers. I never thought I'd see a fight where we both lost the battle.

Andre: "So, you mean to tell me that you been at this nigga house all this time I been looking for you? On some real shit, you a dub. I don't know why I would have to go through this with you." Dre said rudely as he stared down into my eyes. Lately, all we ever do is argue. It starts with something I do that involves D and ends with him regretting that we ever got together. Things he say are supposed to hurt. But do they? Nah, not really. But I can surely say that I'm not his problem, De'Mario is.

Me: "Andre, why do I always gotta go through this with you? Like, damn. Why can't you trust me? It doesn't matter where I am, who I was with, or how long I was gone. At the end of the day, I'm coming home to you. I know what I got and I'm not ashamed of it, so chill." I replied grabbing his hands, only for him to slowly pull them away while slightly smiling.

Andre: "Yeah, aight." He nodded.

Me : "What you mean, yeah aight?" I questioned as I frowned.

Andre: "Exactly what I said. That's only true for the nights you do come home." He argued. With that, he shrugged and shook his head as he walked pass me. I attempted to pull him back by grabbing his arm but he slipped out of my grasp.

Me: "Andre!" I shouted lowly. I cringe in pain as I hold my abdomen. Lately I've just been getting these bad cramps. I don't know why but they come and go. It wasn't long before he disappeared out of the bedroom and traveled down the hall. Leaving me in my thoughts. Leaving me in my feelings...

De'Mario's POV

I fix my tie as I stare into the mirror. Examining myself, I realize how much I've aged over the years. My hair has grown a lot since my big chop. I must admit, I do miss my dreads. Now, I'm just wondering what to do with my hair. I never really had to worry before. Just get lined up and re twisted every now and then. Shit, now I got to have someone braid my shit. I damn sure hate combing this shit. I just don't like short hair, my hair was one thing I liked about myself. It's always been that way. I don't know what it is about me and my hair, but it's where half of my pride lies.

The bags under my eyes only make me look my age. It looks like the more sleep I get, the more they show. I can never win, story of my life. It's like the closer I get to 40, the more I feel like I've wasted my entire life. I tried being selfish and making myself happy. I ended up hurting the ones I love most. I tried pushing my pride aside and making everyone else happy. I ended up unhappy my damn self. I tried balancing the differences by making everyone happy including myself. I ended up fucking it up for all of us. I'm driving on an icy road that's surrounded my brick walls. I'm about to give up. I'm about to just get out and walk. Maybe just try to climb these brick walls. Make my time worth spending, at least.

Trinity: "Daddy?" my daughter said softly, calling me from my bedroom doorway.

Me : "Wassup, princess?" I asked, walking to her and kneeling down. "You alright? You ready to go?"

Trinity: "Yes, Daddy." She nodded. "I was just checking up on you."

Me: "Wanna go check up on Ria with me?" I asked as she nodded. I picked her up and kissed her on the forehead as I walked to Maria's room. I knocked on the door before she gave me permission to come in.

Maria: "Hey Daddy, what's up?" She asked while Terrence helped her zip up her dress. I set Trinity down and smiled a little.

Me : "Just checking to see if y'all ready to go, why you ask?" I wondered.

Maria : "Oh, well yes we're ready. Just waiting on Momma." She said slipping on her black flats. "But, I asked because you looked upset."

Me: "Why would I be upset? & what, your mom is coming to pick you up or something?" I replied.

Maria : "Actually, she's coming to pick us all up. She offered, and I figured it'll save gas." She shrugged. "You don't have to ride with us if you don't want."

Me: "It's fine. I'll drive myself, I guess." I said putting my hands in my pockets. Soon, the doorbell rung and Shawny was knocked on the door. "Aye, Youngin. Gone head and get that for me."

Terrence: "Yes, sir." He said before jogging down the steps. Maria walked up to her dresser and put in her earrings. I smiled to myself and sat down on the edge of her bed.

Maria: "Daddy, Are you sure you're okay?" She asked sincerely. I sighed and took a good look at my daughter. I didn't know whether I should nod, shake my head, or just simply shrug. All I know is that as I look at this child that I've created, I know I've made an impact in this world. I have something to live for and that is my children.

Me: "You look just like your mother." I smiled. Her face lit up and she admired herself in the mirror.

Maria: "Sometimes.. I really miss her." She looked down as she fiddled with her jewelry on the table. "Even though I remember all the times she allowed me to hurt and neglected my feelings. I still don't let it overpower how much I know she loved me. I still cherish the good times, the times I really seen her smile. I knew that she was doing the best she could even when it looked like she wasn't doing enough. I protected her even when I knew she was wrong. Because, I knew that I was all she had. No one was there for my momma but me.." she admitted. She stopped speaking and closed her eyes while she took a deep breath. I stood up and pulled her into a hug, squeezing her tightly.

Me: "Sometimes, we have to be that backbone for someone. Just because we know they need it." I said before kissing her forehead.

Maria: "What about you?" She looked up at me. "How come you don't ever let anyone in?"

Me: "Because I don't need a backbone, what I need is my kids and that's it." I replied. She laughed a little and pulled away from me while crossing her arms.

Maria: "Mhmm." She shook her head. "You don't even let me in, all you do is make me read your mind."

Me: "That's because you're my daughter, you're supposed to be a kid and worry about kid stuff. Not my life."

Maria: "That's bullshit, Daddy." She snapped. I frowned in surprise but I didn't know what to do. "and, you and I both know it. Excuse my language." She giggled. "But, I'm serious. You need me to do a lot of things that you just can't or won't do. You don't ask, but I do it because I know. Daddy, you're not happy. I know this and you show it unintentionally. Don't forget, I was alive when you were happy once upon a time. You don't laugh anymore. You don't joke around anymore. You barely act like you're even alive. The twins don't know you like I do, so they're used to things being like this. I don't. Daddy, it's breaking my heart." She began tearing up.

Me: "Babygirl, don't cry-"

Maria: "Why dad? Because you don't like it? Because you hurt when I hurt? Would it surprise you to know that I feel the same exact way when you cry? That when you're depressed, I feel bad even go out with mom and have lunch. Only because the one person I aim to impress is somewhere staring at a wall that he build while I'm still knocking down mine." She looked up at me with sparkling eyes. "Where is he? Where's the Daddy that I told jokes with? The only I played games with? The one I would sit in the studio with for hours at a time just to hear him make magic. Hear him laugh at funny lyrics I wrote. Watch him smile from ear to ear whenever the moment got to him. He had no care in the world."

Me: "I don't know where I am in life right now, im sorry. I-i.." I stuttered and soon became speechless. To hear this from my daughter really is hitting me to the core, I can't take this all at one.

Maria: "Don't.." She sniffles and and smiles a little. "I didn't tell you this for an apology. I understand you, Daddy. I truly do. No one is perfect and you're trying your best to be strong. Not only for yourself, but for us too. I just told you this because I wanted you to know how I felt, not knowing if you'd ask or not. I need you, Dad. I need you while I still have you. You were my first best friend that I have ever had and to watch that change between us was the hardest part of my life." Her voice cracked and she tried her best to hold back her tears. I pulled her back in for a hug and held her as tight as I could.

Me: "I'm here, Princess. Don't ever think you can't come to me about anything. Last I want to do is lose you. Love you and the twins with all that I have, I would die for y'all."

Maria: "I know, Daddy. But can you please try to live for us, first?" She asked while looking up at me. I nodded and smiled as I continued to fight tears.

Me: "I'll try, Babygirl. I promise." I kissed her forehead.

Shawny: "Umm.." She sniffled, cause us to look in her direction. "Maria, sweetheart. Are you ready?"

Maria: "Yes, Momma." She nodded before kissing my cheek. "Love you, Daddy." She rushed downstairs, squeezing pass Shawny in the doorway.

Shawny: "Were you coming with us?" She asked, leaning against the door frame as her pregnant belly blocked the entrance.

Me: "Nah, I'm good. I don't wanna make ya boyfriend uncomfortable." I joked.

Shawny: "He decided not to come, so you can ride shotgun." She bribed. I frowned as I calculated the sentence she just said. I kinda wanna go off and kinda wanna play it off. But I'll be going outta character if I didn't say my mind.

Me: "So, you telling me he let you drive here by yourself?" I asked.

Shawny: "Uhh, Yeah.. how else would I get here?" She asked sarcastically.

Me: "Give me the keys. Now." I demanded.

Shawny: "Umm.. no?" She looked confused.

Me: "Gimme the fucking keys or yo ass ain't going no where tonight, that's a fact." I walked closer to her.

Maria: "Dad, is everything okay?" She asked as she walked up the stairs slowly.

Me: "Keys, now." I held out my hand and looked down at Shawny. She sucked her teeth and sighed as she handed me the keys. "Thank you, to the car." I demanded. She done lost her damn mind. She know better than to be driving around while she pregnant like that.

Maria helped Shawny down the stairs and we all soon filed into Andre's bitch ass minivan. I had to coach myself to even get inside this muhfucka. It don't even smell like we belong in here. I feel like I just stole somebody minivan at a high school football game or some shit. Shawny could tell I wasn't feeling this, so she smacked her lips and rolled her eyes.

Me: "What?" I asked.

Shawny: "Could you just start the damn car? We gone be late." She complained.

Me: "You must wanna stay here." I looked at her.

Shawny: "I can walk-"

Maria: "How about we turn up the radio and listen to some good music on our way to Granny's?" She interrupted.

Me: "Nah, y'all just chill out til we get there." I replied while pulling off. Shario and Trinity began arguing over who knows what. I'm allowing that to break the silence because I'm avoiding saying anything at all. Soon, the arguing got worse and I just knew it was a matter of time before someone said something.

Maria: "AYE!" She shouted, causing them to be quiet. "Shut up and stop fighting before I smack the both of you."

Shawny: "Mar-"

Me: "Let her do her job." I stopped Shawny from interfering.

Shawny: "No, That's our job." She frowned.

Me: "Then do-"

Maria: "I don't think this was a good idea.." She laughed nervously.

Me: "Nah, it was a great idea. Your mom gets to see how great of a job we're doing as parents." I chuckled. Shawny dropped her head and Maria gave me a look that was begging me not to continue to talk.

Shawny: "That isn't fair, I-"

Me: "Life isn't fair, Shawny. Shit happens. But you've had almost a year to change this. To work on this. It's not just me, I know what I've done wrong and I'm admitting it." I interrupted. "Maria is playing both parents right now, Shawny. How long are we going to just sit here and act like this isn't an issue?" I said looking at her.

Maria: "Daddy, can we please not talk about this right now?" She pleaded. I sighed while turning on the radio and turning it up loud enough to drown out my thoughts for the rest of the ride. This is part of the picture that I wish to change. I just don't know how to address it.

De'Shawn's POV

Wow, this has really been a bad night for me already. Not to mention I can feel a cramp coming on and it's about to shoot my emotions to 100. I hold back my tears that threaten to come out and close my eyes as I slowly take deep breaths. Once we got to the house, I was too focused on breathing, I was the still sitting in the car. Maria and Terrence took the kids inside and D turned off the car.

D: "Yo, you good?" he said, intruding my thoughts. I opened my eyes and looked at him as I sat in pain. "I can help you out if you need me to." he offered. Which was more of him telling me what he was going to do. He helped me out of the minivan and allowed me to use his arm as support all the way to the door. I don't know about other people but I do know that using that arm really comes in handy. It may not even seem like much to most people but it makes the walk a lot easier for me when I can lean on something.

Me: "Thank you, I appreciate it." I thanked him and he just nodded and gave me a slight smile as we walked into the house. He guided me to a seat at the dinner table where everyone was sitting and walked around the table to sit across from me.

Surprisingly, Thanksgiving dinner turned out to run great. I never expected that our family would have a great time together for the first time in forever. Besides my frequent stomach aches that resulted in me making plates to go, I really enjoyed myself.

After dinner, everyone decided to chill and just catch up with each other. All the kids were reuniting and Jordynn even gained the courage to speak to Maria. Maria was more concerned about Trinity and Shario's well being than anything. But, she managed to make time for Jordynn. I have to admit, D was right about what he said in the car. I just wish he wasn't.

Jermany: "Hey, Auntie!" She greeted me as I entered the kitchen to pour me a glass of water. I smiled and pulled her in for a hug. Josh and Mia were both standing against the counter.

Me: "Oh my god, I can't believe you are grown now! I remember when you and your brother were still potty training." I smiled.

Josh: "Yeah, Now we get to pay bills and shit like that." He joked.

Me: "Right, well you're still a teen and 21 is around the corner so that's something to look forward to. How's college?" I asked.

Jermany: "College is kicking my ass, Auntie." She whined. I laughed and hugged her.

Me: "Awww, poor baby. It'll get better, I promise. What about you, Josh?" I asked.

Josh: "I'm not going just yet.." He hesitated.

D: "Why not?" He interrupted, leaning on the kitchen island.

Josh: "I don't know, I just don't wanna go yet. I don't even know what I wanna be." He replied.

D: "That's not a good enough answer. You wanna know why I didn't go?" He asked.

Josh: "Why?" He said curiously.

D: "I dropped out of high school right before graduation. I felt that whatever school thought they was gone teach me, didn't need to be learned. If I didn't have the hustle I got right now with my music career, I'd be dead broke on the street." He explained.

Josh: "But I'm working and I can find me a hustle too. I wanna be my own man. Not something society made me." He replied.

Me: "Sounds like to me that you got another mouth to feed." I commented and they all looked at me, except D. D eyes were glued on Josh because I think he knew.

D: "So, which one is it?" He asked.

Mia: "Yeah, which one is it cause boy you bet not have no babies out in this world yet." She scolded him. Josh hesitated but he eventually spit it out.

Josh: "Alright, I have a son." He confessed.

Jermany: "Oooh, you in trouble." She teased him. Mia glared at him and he apologized to her about a million times.

D: "Whenever you get some time, come see me. Aight?" He demanded and Josh nodded. I couldn't help but stare at my little cousins. My emotions are kicking in again and so is this cramp.

Me: "Boy, y'all look just like your dad." I smiled lightly.

D: "Hell yeah, especially Josh. Nose and all." He chuckled and the twins expression changed like Michigan wheather.

Jermany: "Can we.. not?" She asked while walking away and tearing up. Mia rolled her eyes and mugged me.

Mia: "He would be here if it wasn't for you, you know?" She had the audacity to say.

Me: "Excuse me?" I replied, slowly walking closer to her.

D: "Mia, why would you say some shit like that?" He commented.

Mia: "Its true," she started tearing up. "If you hadn't started that fight, he would still be here!" She yelled as tears streamed down her cheeks. It wasn't long before I reached my hand back to strike her , but D grabbed ahold of me and held me back.

Josh: "Momma, stop." He said in shock. People were becoming aware of the issue and trying to figure out what happened but my emotions were taking over me.

Mia: "No! I'm not going to stop because they took my happiness from me!" She cried. "If wasn't for that crack head ass bitch Kacey, my husband would be here today!" Out of all the people we expected to react, Maria was the one who was impacted the most. It was like someone had pressed a button and made her remove herself from the twins. She pushed her way through the crowd and started throwing blows. She never missed a swing. Every punch for Mia in her face and I was so shocked, I couldn't move.

Maria: "Say something else about my momma, Bitch! I DARE YOU!" She shouted at the top of her lungs while Terrence and D carried her away out of the kitchen. Jermany tried to run after her but Maria kicked her in her face, instantly braking her nose. I was so speechless, I stood still and watched everyone move. I was frozen. This night escalated so fast.