" Im never quiet.
You just dont hear me.
If you took the time to listen.
You might just understand me.
You can't crack me,
the code is unwritten.
Its all in my mental,
It forms the words I am spitting.
You hear every note,
the notes that I wrote,
through your ears they float.
But if I feel that I might be misunderstood,
I would choke.
I write my flaws on my forehead,
and my heart is on my sleeves.
Permanent like tattoos.
I can't get rid of these.
I can't help but feel,
some call it disease.
Some say go to church.
Bow your head.
Drop to your knees.
But sorry, no disrespect.
I dont need saving.
Im looking for knowledge of myself.
Which my mind has been craving.
I let others tell my story.
Because stories are never true.
They're just a series of things that happened.
From someone else point of view.
Dont believe what you hear.
Or believe what you see.
Believe what you know.
& Know what you believe.
I can speak for myself.
But regret has my tounge.
I fall back on guilt.
But respect holds my ground.
I stand up to walk.
I open my mouth to talk.
When I walk, I move alone.
Maybe I need to change my tone.
Do I have to scream for you hear my voice!
I dont want to but I dont have a choice.
But I know you hear me,
Its not my tone.
But dont act like you understand me,
when Im gone."

~Janee Doee (Shawny)

De'Mario's POV:

Last night, I sat up reading all Shawny's raps and poems. It's been a week since passed and these have been the hardest days of my life. Maria has been the the best help and in taking care of the babies although Ray and Nicole is staying with us until they buy them another house. They've been a great help with kids too. Most times I can't finish because I breakdown crying with the babies. It's not fair to them and that's why I need Ray and Nicole here until I get myself together. LaLa decided to stay in California due to the tragedy and she's living with us too cause they were staying with Ray and Nicole at first. I have more than enough space for them to stay and once again, it's so much better because I'm going through it bad. I cry myself to sleep every night and everything. They'll all be gone into their own homes soon and this may get worse. I'm trying my hardest to not go into total depressed mode. My children need me.

Today is the funeral of the woman of my dreams. So, I didn't have a reason to wake up. I dreamt about her and woke up to no sign of her. Her side of the bed is cold and but Im scared to wash the sheets because her smell is still there. Dried up tears in the pillows and everything of Shawny's is scattered all over the floor. I went through all her shit to reminisce. I slept next to the box of poems and raps. I think I'm gone bury her with all my unheard shit that she liked. Shit, she could take me with her. I don't wanna live no more. But then again, I wanna live for my kids. It's hard when you do and you don't have a reason to live. It makes life hard. Really fucking hard. Because now, I feel bad for not wanting to live and I feel bad for still being alive and Shawny's not here.

I lift my body out of the loneliness that trapped me and rolled out of bed. I reached for phone to check the time and let out a big yawn. Stumbling over the shit on the floor, I finally made it into the bathroom to take a long, dreadful, lonely shower. As I take off my boxers and basketball shorts, I am reminded by Shawny's voice.

Gimme your clothes, so I can put them in the washer while Im in the process of laundry.

It like she knew when I was getting in the shower because she would always do laundry when I am. I set my shorts and boxers in a hamper that I barely used but now's a good time.

Turning the shower on, I noticed Shawny's shampoo that always had her hair smelling amazing. Her dove bar soap still sat where she left it. I don't want to move it. I feel like If I do, I would be throwing her away and forgetting about her. Something inside of me feels like she's just gone far away and will be back at any moment. If I throw this stuff away or even move it in storage, I think she'll be angry at me. What If I do and she comes back? What If she was never gone and this was all a dream? What If it was me that died and Im just stuck in limbo?

I could ask all the what ifs in the world and that still wouldn't change reality. The fact is, she's officially gone now and there's nothing I can do about it. If I could bring her back, I would. But, I'm never going to erase the fact that she's been here and this is her home. This I where she made her mark and it is here to stay. No other female can have it because it's hers. If she was to come back, her shit will always be here because she never left in my heart. I know that she's waiting for me upthere and I can't wait to finally join her and our children that didn't make it in this world. I lost three soldiers and God gave me two. I'll be happy with the two I have and Thank God for giving me a boy.

Yah must think I've gone crazy. But shit, don't you think it's too late for that? I been crazy, and I was crazy over her. My whole life revolved around her and Maria. They created me to be the man that I am today. Without them, Im nothing. Now, I'm just half of a man. The other half of my heart belonged to her and she'll die with, I can promise you that much. I know it isn't fair and I hate to feel this way but I will never be the man I was before Shawny died again. It's impossible, without her I find no purpose on this world besides to take care of my kids. Period. Sorry. The only love I'll be giving is to my children and I don't plan on changing my mindset. My money and my kids are the only things that matter to me now. My wife, my love, and my pride will be buried today and I will devote my life to my children from now on.

You don't know what it feels like to have reality hit you in the face until someone who your share every part of you all the way down to your soul with is ripped right out of your life for eternity within a blink of an eye. I hurts, and I can't deny that one bit. Reality hit a nigga real hard and that shit change me as a person. It really did. If I had the strength to, I would tell my pops I'm sorry because at this point, I need him more than anything. Shawny always told me If was the right thing to do but I just don't listen. This my karma and God knew what the fuck he was doing and I should've saw it coming. I could see it in Shawny's eyes, it's like I could feel everything was coming to haunt me and it did. That's why all them secrets came out and shit went down. Now look where it got us. Kacey's gone, Eric's gone, Cassie's gone, Jaee's gone, and my beloved Shawny is DEAD!! They're fucking dead! And there's nothing I can do about it.

I think the worse impact it was on Maria because she lost her mom and Shawny. That's something I wouldn't know how to deal with. When my mom's died I was heartbroken but Maria lost her stepmom too right when she needed her most. That's alot for a nine year old. My princess is a strong girl. I'm glad Shawny got the chance to teach her most of the things she knows.

After I get out the shower and dry off, I stare in the foggy mirror at my distorted image. That's how I see myself now. Distorted. Shawny made everything seem so clear but she's no longer with us. I opened the medicine cabinet and decided to take my pills. Shawny always told me to take them but I never did because I didn't like the way they made me feel. Now, I can't feel shit but a hole in my chest where the other half of my heart should but used to be. I started taking them a few days ago After the fire. They motivate me to a certain extent, plus they keep me at bay. I call them my happy pills cause they keep me from lashing out when I really want to. I popped two pills in my mouth and flushed them down with that nasty ass sink water. I brushed my teeth and dried my dreads before entering my horded room.

I threw the towel that guarded my waist on the bed as I walked over to my dresser. I pulled out some clean boxers and put them on with the matching black socks and black beater. I walked into my closet and grabbed the all black tux I thought I would never wear to a funeral, my wife's funeral at that. I'm one of the pallbearers for everyone that died that day. Each and everyone of them will be buried right next to each other by Keisha and Flexx. I think it'll be only right to bury Shawny next to Keisha. She would have wanted that If she had the choice.

After getting dressed and pulling my dreads back, I prepared myself for the hardest day of my life. I took a deep breath and ran my fingers in my dreads before walking out of the darkness. I walked to Maria's room and knocked on the door.

Maria: "Yess?" I heard her small voice semiyell.

Me: "You decent?" I asked just like I always do before I enter her room and the door's closed.

Maria :"Yes," she assured me and I peaked through.

Me: "You ready?" I asked.

Maria: "Almost, I can't find my other shoe" she looked through her closet. "Here it is,"

Me: "Alright, did you eat?" I questioned.

Maria: "Yep, Grandma made breakfast and she told me to tell you to come eat but I forgot," she shrugged. "So, you might wanna go see If your food's cold now."

I shook my head chuckled to myself. She's funny to me. But yet again, she reminds me of Shawny. I walked downstairs and the smell of Bacon, eggs, pancakes, and grits filled my nose. I thought of the times Shawny would make me breakfast before I would head out. It reminds of her in the kitchen period, sitting in the stool across from the sink, eating the fruit I cut up for her, watching me cook, washing the dishes, icing the cake... I can go on and on. Nicole turned around to see me sitting in the stool. I don't remember sitting down but my mind must have been telling me to.

Nicole: "Goo-"

Me: "Morning," I cut her off with a nod. I wouldn't consider this a good morning but it is a morning alright. I think she could see where I was coming from and she sigh and handed me a plate of food.

Nicole: "You need to eat, you look malnutritioned." She rubbed my back. I rubbed my face and sighed while staring at the plate of food.

Me: "I'm not hungry," I pushed the plate away from and shook my head.

Nicole: "De'Mario, I know its-"

Me: "No," I looked at her. "You don't know, because you're not me. Can you please just stop trying to act like it didn't happen..." my eyes began to water. "She's dead, and I'm hurt. Let me hurt, because no one else obviously gave a damn that she was still in that fucking house. who went in there save her? Me, right? Who else? Nobody, right? If I was just a second more quicker, she could've lived but yah was too busy holding me back, cause it was too late!?" Tears began streaming out of my eyes. "Mia fucking left her and my daughter in that damn house by theirself, to die! If it wasn't for me, Maria wouldn't even be here. My twins wouldn't be here. But, Shawny got the short end of the stick because it was too late, right?" I scoffed. "Fuck outta here." I stood up and saw that everyone was watching me. "Don't worry about me or mine. That day showed me alot,neither one of you went in with me to help, she could've lived." I wiped my tears and grabbed my keys.

I put the twins in their carseats, grabbed their baby bags, and called for Maria. I walked out to the car and set the babies in the back seat while setting their bag next to them. Maria sat in the passenger seat and put on her seatbelt as I sat in the driver's seat and did the same. I started the engine and pulled out of the driveway as I turned on the radio and played Shawny's mixtape that she loved to listen to. Soon, Get It Together by India Arie started to play through the speakers and surprisingly the twins fell sound asleep. Maria sung along and even replayed it After it went off. This girl done heard this song about a thousand times, I didn't know she liked this song that much. We cruised on our way to the funeral. I really wanna turn back around but I'll feel like I would be forgetting about her or moving on too quick.

What really trips me out is that there won't be an open casket. So, I'm supposed to stare at a picture of her on the coffin. I don't find a reason for the viewing for that reason alone. But I guess we have to listen to the shit everyone has to say about her. I have something to say but ion think it'll come out right. I pulled up to the funerl home and parked in the nearest space, Grabbed the kids and their bags, then walked into the funeral home.

As we found our seat, I looked around too see half of our crew here today. No lie, a nigga was finna ask questions until I realized that it was actually Five coffins in the room today. This is true death. I slightly want to close Maria's eyes because its not something you want your daughter to see but she said she had something to give to Shawny and only she would know what she means by that. One face I could never forget, isn't here. That's Rico. To be honest, I would care less that he's not here IF Shawny didn't care so much about him. That bitch ass nigga should be one of the first to be here. Hes fucked up If he don't come. I would never respect him as a man again If he don't show up, I can promise you that.

Service for the "veiwing" went on for some hours. I fed the kids and burped the babies myself. I only had yo change their diapers once and they were good. We went back to the sitting area for a few words from close friends and relatives. Surprisingly, Maria was called up first. I was lost but she's wasn't. She smiled and slid off the bench. Her black flats with the little heel and strap to go across tapped against the floor as she walked up to the podium. Her black stockings and black dress captured everyone's attention. She unzipped the front pouch of her black backpack and pulled out an envelope.

De'Marias POV:

I pulled out the note that I wrote for Shawny After the fire. Grandma told me If I wanted anything to say, I should write it down. I asked If I could give it to her after I was done because I drew a picture on the back and I want her to have it. I miss Shawny and they say when you're dead, you won't come back and I don't know why people die If they can't come back. I thought only bad people die, not good people too. I cleared my throat and grabbed the mic. Taking a deep breath, I began to sing.

Me: " A la nanita nana nanita ella, nanita ella
Mi nina tiene sueno bendito sea,bendito sea
A la nanita nana nanita ella, nanita ella
Mi nina tiene sueno bendito sea,bendito sea

Fuentecita que corre clara y sonora
Ruisenor que en la selva
Cantando y llora
Calla mientras la cuna se balansea
A la nanita nana nanita ella
A la nanita nana nanita ella
Nanita ella
Mi nina tiene sueno bendito
Sea, bendito sea
Fuentecita que carre clara y sonora
Ruisenor que en la selva
Cantando y llora
Calla mientras la cuna se balansea
A la nanita nana nanita ella."

A tear fell from my eye as I finished singing. I wasn't supposed to sing but that's the first thing that come to mind when I think of Shawny. I wiped the tear from my face and began to read off of my paper. I glanced at my Dad and could see the smile on his face. He had glistening eyes but what made me smile the most is that he was really smiling for the first time since the fire.

Me: "I apologize for singing, it just came out." I apologized and cleared my throat. "Dear, Shawny. There's a lot that I want to say but can't describe. Only If you knew how much we miss you, I could sleep better at night. I cant stop crying myself to sleep sometimes and don't have an appetite anymore. You made me happy. You were the best step mom I could ever have. I know I wasn't your real daughter but you treated me like one and I love you. Before Daddy took me out of the house, you asked me to take care of him If you didn't make it." I folded up the paper and put other back in the envelope and slipped into Shawny's coffin and came back. "I promise you that I will help Dad take care of the twins and make sure he isn't sad all the time. I love you Shawny, and mommy I love you too. I don't know how Im ever going to stop crying but please watch over Daddy because he needs you the most it makes me more sad If he's sad." I started to cry and walked back to Daddy and gave him a big hug.

Daddy: "I love you babygirl, you're so brave." He squeezed me tight and kissed my forehead as were cried together. "Sit right here," he said as he decided to go to the podium and speak. I sat down in-between the carseats where he was sitting. Daddy usually isn't afraid or nervous to speak infront of a crowd because that's what he does but today is different. He had a gloomy expression on his face and his eyes watered heavily. It took him a moment before he cleared his throat and decided to take the mic and sit on the steps. "First of all, I want everyone to know that this is a hard time for me and I apologize If I came off rude to anyone of you because every last one of us lost someone very important in our life. Some of you lost a spouse, including me. Many of you lost a friend. A few you lost a daughter, We lost a cousin, and all of my kids lost their moms." He took a deep breath and and sniffled. "No one's death was worse than anyone's in these caskets but I would be lying If I said that Shawny's killed me inside. I love that woman more than anything in the world and call me crazy but I damn near stayed in that house with her. If I could turn back the hands of time, I would've went back into that house. On God, I would've. But she risked her life for Maria and Im grateful. I really am. All my children are with me, that's 3 out If the 4 that I wanted. If I didn't go in there, I would have 0 out of the four. So, I'm grateful. But, there's not a damn day that I'm going to forgive anyone who did go in that house and help me. Including Mia for leaving them alone." He sniffled and wiped his tears. "I understand it's not all about saving mine and that's why I didn't ask for your help but should I have to? If mine meant so much to you, why couldn't you just help? Pops, this don't go out to you because you wasn't there and all the ladies, I understand too because your women but Ray, Rico, JR, Rj, and Devin? That's five niggas that would be down to do some shit but couldn't get a pregnant woman and a nine year old girl out of a damn burning house." He shook his head. "Rest In Peace to Kacey, you gave me the greatest gift of all and thats De'Maria Lee'Ann Smith. Rest In Peace to Jaee, although we ain't get along too Well. Rest in heaven to Cassie. Rest in Heaven to Eric, you took me in when I lost my moms and I appreciate you for that. Rest In Paradise to my babygirl, I'm going to get that shit tatted so you would know you mean the world to me girl. My heart, body and soul will die with you. I'm gone take care of these kids and make sure that they never have to endure the pain that we did growing up. I may be a single father but that's gone have to do cause trust and believe ain't nobody taking your place." He gave the mic to Aunt LaLa and took a seat next to me as the rest of the people got to speak. I hugged onto Daddy's arm and closed my eyes as I imagined Shawny right next to us telling us it was okay and she's watching over us.
After service, Daddy helped the men carry Shawny and everyone else's casket to the black hurses. He then drove us to a gravesite where five, six foot deep wholes were dug right next to each other and the headstones sat above it. I watched as they prayed over the bodies and lowered them. My mom's went first and I tried not to cry but I couldn't help it. Tears streamed out my eyes because the last I seen her, was the day of the fire and I only got about two seconds to talk to her. I wish I got longer. As Daddy set flowers and a paper on Shawny's grave I stared at the headstones of both hers and my moms. I ran my little caramel fingers across the granite as silent tears fell. I felt someone grab my hand and interlock our fingers, so I looked over my shoulder to see Terrence. I was shocked to see him because he's such a jerk and last time I seen him, he called my mom a crackhead and me a crack baby.

Terrence: "I'm sorry," He whispered and wiped my tears before before giving me a hug. I smiled and hugged him back before looking back at the headstones.

Me: "I forgive you," I closed my eyes and kissed the headstones.

Daddy: "Come on, Princess." He grabbed my hand and we walked to the car. I waved bye to Terrence and continued to walk. "Step one, babygirl." He sighed.

Me: "Why do you do that, Dad?" I asked.

Daddy: "Because, that what motivates me to keep going. Step 1 is always the hardest but once we get to 3, I always have to start over." He opened the car door for me.

Me: "How come?" I questioned. He got in the car and Shut the door.

Daddy: "I don't know,by the time I find out, that would be the day I die." He shrugged and started the car then pulled off. I don't get the way my Dad thinks at times but I know he's always thinking ahead about something. I hope he doesn't get too sad. He's all I've got now and just like Shawny said,

Every little girl needs her father...

_______________________________________________

The End ✔

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