I didn't want him to know, but there's no going back now. I hold the hotel door handle in my hand, thinking hard about whether I should stop, Zen. Or just let him go. Let him burn through campus in a rampage, searching for only a face. I rush out the door just as he round's the corner to the staircase.

"Z, wait!" I call out, running to him. My short leg's carry me faster than I expected. I catch him on the stair's, "Stop, you don't know what you're doing, Z." I try to keep my voice down as a couple of tourist's pass us going up the stair's.

Zen eye's them until they make it around the corner at the top, and turn's to me. "I took your silence as a yes, have you seen your back, Chloe?" He lock's into my eye's, nostril's flaring, and red faced. I take his shaking hand and back step up the stairs, guiding him back to the room.

"Come back. I'll tell you the truth. I promise." I tell him, leading him back before he end's up in prison, or worse. He grip's my hand tight, tangling our finger's together.

I knew he loved me, I think I've always known. But I didn't know his root's in our relationship were planted so deep. Deep enough to shed tear's while proclaiming his love, deep enough to shed blood for me. But I can't let him. I knew when he kissed me on New Years Eve that he had changed. He looked at me differently, after that night; he became over protective, flushed, and out of breath when I would show an ounce of affection. Part of me want's to be his, but the section of myself that was once able to receive, and give romance has died. Murdered, and thrown away.

I could go back home with, Zen, leave it all behind and move on the best I can. But now, now there's a child invovled. A tiny, Avery, a tiny me, growing inside me. The thought make's me feel tainted, dirty. I left the gynocologist numb, walking at the pace of a snail in no particular direction. My lazy feet guided me across a bridge where I stood, peering over the edge. When you stand over the edge of a great height, looking down, there's a microscopic voice inside that tell's you to jump. Do it. Just leap. The water below was almost black, and ice cold. I pondered whether the impact would kill me before hypothermia, or if a heroic citizen would jump in after me; fish me out, then later be deemed a hero by the city.

I watched the inviting water lapping. Patiently, the courage to climb over the rail was bulding. Strengthening like rolling thunder as I cupped my stomach. Are you him? Are you an innocent accident, or a reminder?  The wetness that streaked my mascara sizzled with a mixture of longing, and a death wish. Abortion is frowned upon, unspeakable, but what if I die? Iris took the plunge, why can't I? Why can't I bring myself to throw my leg over, lean further and further until my hand's slip from the metal railing?  Behind my rising suicidle thought's was another voice, you don't have to die, not if Avery is gone.

The voice's were like an angel on one shoulder, and a devil on the other; playing a deadly game of tug of war with my emotion's. Pulling me back a forth, until  I took a step back away from the rail. Then another. I turned and made my way to the bus stop. I rode back to campus with my shoulder's pulled back. The angel had won, although I'm not sure if the angel knew what she had truly done. If I can't die, then it has to be him. You can't just torture women, break them, shatter their light, and expect to live in the dark.

Back inside the room, I sit across from, Zen. Hand's in my lap, digging deep to let the word's spill from my lip's.

"Before I tell you anything, you have to promise me that you will let me handle it." I offer, vibrating thunder rumbles, followed by a sharp flash of lightening as if my story weren't dramatic enough, a brewing storm just had to add it's dash of spice to my recipe of disaster.
Zen sit's stiff in his chair, in pain, and waiting as he rub's his now swollen knuckle's.
"Fine." He gulps..
"It all started at the first party I went to. . ." I start from the beginning, the earth stopping story flood's from me. I hold nothing back, as I tell him everything, Zen's hand hold's tighter and tighter around mine. He stays quite until the end, until my sobbing drown's my voice, warping my word's into broken pieces. I grip his hand, as if letting it out might lighten the ton of weight on my shoulder's, so much that I would float away.

The pressure that has crushed me into a trapped cage, slowly releases, lifting with each confession.

"What about the baby?" He sniff's, "What will happen?"
My loose hair sways as I shake my head, I fall into his chest and stay there while he hold's me. My puffy face mocking the streaming rain on the window.
"I don't know, Z." My voice muffles into his peck's, "How can I love a baby, when he or she will remind me each day how they got here?" Zen stroke's his gentle finger's through my hair.
"No matter what you do, Chloe, I'll be right here." He say's into the top of my head, "I want to kill him, but I made you a promise. I don't break promises, but I swear to God if he touches you again. . ." He trail's off as his chest rises, "I'll have to break that promise."

I inhale his shirt, the scent of sweat, soap, and testosterone eases my mind. The jacket I so desperately cling to for comfort in his absence has faded of his scent, and replaced with my own. The aroma makes my lid's lower with a deep breath. I've never slept in the same bed as, Zen, but somehow I'm drawn to him. Somehow, some way, I need him near me to sleep.

So I do. I sleep. Encased inside the cocoon of his sculpted arm's, and for the first time in week's, the images that haunt me in slumber fail to propell me awake.

***

As the sun rises over the towering peak's of New York, we lie in the dark. The thick drape's block the light from outside where the rest of the world is, but here in this room only, Zen and I exist. He leaves in a few hour's back to West Brooke. So I hold tight as long as I can. As much as I want to return his love, I want to replace my body more. The swift look at my back, the look on his face... I can never show a man my body again. I chopped my hair in a blind anger, only to replace my lock's with extention's shortly after. I'm ruined. Damaged good's.

Under the black of the room, the blanket, and the bulky limb's of, Zen something unhook's it's talon's from me and allows my thought's to soar to somewhere they haven't been to in a long time.

I imagine my future, what it could hold if, Avery is destroyed. Me, walking down a church isle in a wedding dress that cover's every inch of my scarred skin, sweating profusely in the summer month's,  wearing long sleeve's. I think of the men in my life. My father, my adoring father who would weep at the sight of a swollen belly, 'I told you to not come back with a bun in the oven.' He would say. Zen, my best friend, who's also in love with me. Who would walk through Hell fire if it meant saving me. And, Avery. The sick, sadistic warden of my crumbling existence.

The clock strike's ten-thirty while a wailing comes from the bedside alarm clock. Thirty minutes to check out.

Zen assures the front desk he will pay for the damage to the bathroom door before leaving the hotel. I ride behind him on his motorcycle seat back to campus.

I remove myself from the bike, as does, Zen. His safe hand hold's steady on the middle of my back as he escort's me, I stop him at the from door of the dorm bulding.

"Thank you, for everything." I take his hand again, I carress the tip of his thumb with my own. Daring, Avery out of the shadow's to come find me once he's gone. Come, let me end you.

"I don't feel right leaving you here alone. Are you sure I can't convince you to come back with me?" He pleads.
"Remember, I'm not the only one." I tell him, "I need to handle this on my own." I let his hand drop.
He pull's me closer, and wrap's me. I breathe in one last time. While Zen was in the bathroom, I took one of his tee shirt's, and stuffed it into my bag. He'll never know it's gone.

"When this is over, I want you to come home. Please. . ." He nustles into my hair, hugging me tight, and inhaling through his nose, "Come home to me, Clo."

He kisses the center of my forehead, a hard, long, beckoning kiss before climbing back onto his bike. It roar's to life, and he set's sail back to West Brooke. Back to lonely night's, and grease covered wrenches in his dim lit garage. Back to blaring rock and roll under the hood of his car, wishing I were there. Wishing I were smart enough to flee from the threat of danger. But I'm not smart. I'm learning. Learning how to shred my empathy, just long enough to look the Devil in his eye, and watch the light's go out.

***

I open the door to my dorm room to find, Kat and, Ava sitting on the floor. They get to their feet with relief on their faces.
"Where have you been? We thought, Avery had gotten to you." They hug me.
"I was with a friend, he was visiting from home."
The dorm is hushed, almost too quite. I join them on the floor in front of an open laptop.
"Did you find anymore victim's?" I ask, putting my bag under my bed.
Kat look's to, Ava, who look's to me, "We have a problem. . ." She look's back to, Kat, "The file's are empty. According to, Travis the folder's will fill with their rightful owner with a USB drive. He must have it on him, because we had, Travis search his room?"
"How?" I ask.
"I pretended to be interested in pledging." Travis sound's from under Kat's bed, "Can I come out now? She is clearly not the RA..."

"We snuck him in, we thought you were the resident advisor when you turned the lock." Kat clarifies.
Travis wiggles out from underneath the bed, and shakes a cloud of dust from his clothes, he then sit's down next to me creating a semi circle around the laptop.

"So how do we get it?" I look around to them.
"There's only one way, we go to the Omega party tonight." Travis answer's, popping a potato chip into his mouth.