I don't want to leave, not entirely. After my running off, and emotionial bag packing my dad found me in the hotel lobby eyeing the fireplace. Zen decided it was best to give the two of us a moment alone to talk, and headed straight for the gym provided by the hotel.
"Sweety I know this is tearing you apart." He soothed, "But it's the middle of the night, the dorms are locked so we can't get your things until tomorrow." My dad scoots closer to me on the leather couch. His strong scent of after shave melts into the air. It's a sweet and musky aroma that's always took shelter on my father: his clothes, his hair, even his car. It's a splendid reminder of when I wasn't so broken and defeated.

The cozy seating area sits away from the commotion of incoming guests and employees. Tight leather sofas, deep and rich wood furnishings complete with a monstrous rug, all nestled in front of a roaring fireplace like a constructed movie set. It's an inviting space that makes you forget you're in the heart of the city. Smokey wood cracks and pops in my ears, relaxing my mind while my dads after shave tickles at my nose. For a tiny moment I can feel my shoulders break their stone hard posture.

He takes my hand into his, it's warm and soft. Comforting. My head twitches an inch in my fathers direction beside me. My facial features stay slank and relaxed, drained of emotion while my vision blurs behind watery eyes.

"Why did this happen to me?" My whisper breathes out in monotone, a tear drips from my eye, bounces off my pale cheek and splashes into, Zens jacket.  My question stuns him, but it's a question that I can't answer. His breath quickens through his nostrils. A fathers job is to protect his daughter. I can't imagine how he must feel to know that his baby girl was hundreds of miles away being tortured and impregnanted, and there was nothing he could do to stop it. Of course the cringe worthy details haven't met my fathers ears. I can't allow those images to attack his thoughts, it would kill him.

"When you were a little girl," he explains, "I don't know, maybe six or seven you came running through the house so excited one day. It was like the sun zapped its energy right into you. You were so happy about finding a lady bug in your room that you tripped over the living room rug and landed on your face. It left a nasty bruise but you didn't even cry because you were too excited about the lady bug. You told your mom, and me that you'd have good luck forever that only princesses find lady bugs." My father laughs through his tears, "You've always been so vibrant, so. . .Incedibly happy. People in this world who don't know happiness see it in others and want to take it from them. It becomes a hobby to collect anyone who beams joy into the world. They keep those smiles in jars in the back of their mind in hopes that one day they too will feel happy." His explination come out of his mouth like butter, and a part of me almost agrees with his wisdom. Avery doesn't want happiness he wants controlled pain and chaos.

"I know this guy done something to you, something horrible. I know there's an infant growing inside you. Why have you not told me the whole story, sweety?" He goes on, "I can't sit here day after day and watch my baby drift farther and farther and not know what really happened." He sniffs, "Tell me, please. Let it all out, I can't handle watching you suffer."

I pick at the sofa arm resisting eye contact, "I can't put that on you." I look into his concerned face, "It's too much." He wipes at my eyes.
"I'll give you the space you need, but please know that I am always here when you need to talk. You will have to talk about it. You can't hold it in or it will kill you."

He flattens out the creases in his pants when he stands. Bending down, "I love you, baby, I'm always here and so is your mom." He kisses the top of my head, and sulks away back toward the elevator. I decide to leave the blanket of heat given by the fire to locate, Zen. I find him in the gym pumping heavy black weights above his head. White wires dangle from his ears blasting heavy metal music. The thin wires resemble snow on a red dirt road, extremely white against his year-round bronze skin.

Sweat trickles down the side of his temple, he blows heavy under the crushing weight of the bar on his shoulders and squats down in front of a large mirror. His lips press together in a grunting hard line as he lifts himself back up.

"Hey!" I shout over his headphones. Zen notices me in the mirror behind him and lowers the weights to the floor, they make a metalic rattle. He turns and strides out of breath closer to me, his broad chest almost leads the way when he walks.

"You okay?" He huffs between sips from a black water bottle. It isn't until you see a man sweat, after his muscles have been pushed to a hard limit when you notice just how incredibly strong they are. Zen isn't far past eighteen, but has the body of an indestructible machine. "Should I go pack?" He blots his face and neck with a white hand towel.
"Not yet. I mean you could if you wanted to, we're leaving tomorrow morning." I tangle my fingers together and let my arms hang while I stare at my shoes like a timid child. "You didn't have to stay, Z. Your parents are probably getting worried about you."
"They know what's going on." He leads the way to the indoor pool down the hall from the gym. "Plus I'm a grown man now, and I can't leave you here." He stops walking and turns to me, diving deep into my eyes, "I'll never leave you." His tone is sincere and I know he means it. He wears only black active shorts, his torso bare and glittering. Zen continues on into the pool room.
"Coming in? We can go get you something to wear..." he side eyes me, willing me and teasing to take a dip in the twinkling pool. For a moment I consider the idea, it would be fun to splash around in the water like when we would sneak into the towns many ponds.

While I think over the offer my healing scars, and many bruises zap my skin, hushing the playfull thought like a wicked fairy tale witch. Your body is ruined. The wounds whisper to me from underneath my many layers, and they're right. I can't be seen in public, I can't be seen at all. My mother insisted on seeing a plastic surgeon as soon as possible to smoothe my once baby soft skin when I hinted that I have deep scars. I bring my arms in and hug my body.

"Not this time." I shake my head and tuck a strand of almost white hair behind my ear. "I'll stay over here, you swim." I find a metal chair and lower myself into it like an aging old man who's in constant pain. Pain, that's all I know anymore I think to myself. It's been almost two weeks since, Z saved me from the basement but the pain still lingers; it's like a consistant fire burning through every pore of my body. It leaves no surface of my skin untouched.

Zen inches to the tip of the diving board and dives head first into the water. It splashes my shoes and soaks into my socks but I don't mind. I watch amused while he swims underwater to the other side. His head breaks the surface, the water flattening his hair like a wet black mop.
"Come here." His voice bounces and echos. His smile in micheivious enough for me to decline.
"I won't pull you in." He promises at the edge of the pool where his arms, wet and slick brace him. I tip toe to him, remove my sneakers, and let my feet hang into the water. It's surprisingly warm.
"Okay, what is it?" I ask.

Zen pushes off the side of the pool and goes flying back to the center of the deep end.
"Remember that time we snuck into Turtle Pond?" He wades in the water. I think back to two years ago. It was late June. The sun had just going down, and Turtle Pond was only a ten minute walk away from my house. Nobody knows why it was named Turtle Pond because nobody had ever seen a real turtle there. It was the size of a football field, deep, and the only restricted swimming hole we hadn't hit yet. A small house sits at the far end of the pond owned by a grumpy old man who only comes out to fish in his precious body of water. A dominant sign has always hung from a large oak tree on the property that warns against swimming. The grumpy old man, whom I still don't know the name of hated for anyone to disturb his fish. That night we decided that after dark we would sneak to the pond and swim.

I remember my cheap flip flops squeeked the entire walk back to my house that muggy night. But not before bravely swimming as far to the middle of the black water as I could. The moon was half full and didn't provide much light to see. I kept losing sight of, Zen in the darkness of the water. At one point he had pranked me by not answering when I called for him. I whispered into the blackness over and over, I started to fear the worst when he splashed me from behind where he was hiding. We never got caught.

"Yeah, I remember it a little." My mouth twitches begging to smile. Zens face turns serious as he swims back to me.
"I used to think it was New Years Eve. But I'm sure now that it was that night." He looks away.
"What about that night?" Zen hoists himself out of the water and twists with grace as he plops down beside me.
"You wore jean shorts and a tank top, a pink one I think." He holds tight to the rounded tile that lines the pools edge, staightening his arms tight making his pecks enlarge.
"I fell in love with you that night." He confesses as if I didn't already know. I shift my weight slightly but he notices. "I know you don't want to hear that right now." He goes on, pressing his eyes closed and shaking his head. "I have a point, please don't go." He pleads as I stand. He stands too dripping water trails as he steps to stop me from running from another confession that I can't return. Zens wet hand grabs mine and spins me around to face him. The square of his jaw jumps while he searches for his words in frustration.

"I don't want to scare you away, okay. That's the oppisite of what I want. I look at you and I don't see your scars or your new hatred toward anyone who tries to comfort you." He steps closer. "I see the fearless, beautiful, and talented girl who broke the law to swim with me in the middle of the night. Whatever is drowning you. . .let me save you. Let me be the one who reminds you of that girl. This . ." He gestures around him to New York and, Avery, "this is temporary, Clo." Water beads from his face. "Everything that's happening to you right now will pass, it won't always be like this. I need you to know that you're safe with me." He cups my blushing cheek with his hand. "I know you want to run. I know you have more pain than I've ever known ripping you apart, but there's nothing that can't be healed. Nothing could ever make me love you less. Not your scars, a baby, your additude.  . .I don't expect you to love me now." His chest heaves close to mine. "I don't expect anything. Just please don't shut me out. Don't think for a second that you're going through this alone."

I remain silent on the trip back to the room. Why did I come here? Why couldn't I have stayed in West Brooke, gave in and asked him on a date. My heart twists, it strains to reach out and let him in, let him battle the demons that have taken shelter inside me. But my heart is useless.

He left me speechless, although it wasn't the first time he's proclaimed his love for me; something felt different. Maybe his words shook the ground underneath me, tore out a brick in the wall I've towered around myself, but I felt something. Something foreign. Something that reminds me of hope.

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