day 26 with jaehyung
15:47

i turn off my phone as guilt washes over me, i didn't get to tell them what happened but it was probably for the best anyways.

after what happened yesterday, he didn't speak to me whatsoever. and i could clearly remember the look on his face; he didn't cry, nor did he look angry, but he was quiet and he just stood up to leave the room.

it's hard for him, since he's just starting to gain his senses and everything else, but it's just as hard as it is for me.

ever since it happened, i couldn't stop thinking about everything else, all the days i've spent with him. was it really out of obligation? or was it because i felt like he was going to hate me if i haven't done what i did? either way, both sounds equally bad.

i only did it because i cared what he would think about me. god made me a bigger asshole than i thought, and it sucks. i already knew it, it was right in front of my face, but i refused to look at the truth because i was a coward.

i could only assume that he didn't want to hear the harsh truth either. yet, if i told him i cared, that would just make me run in circles, wouldn't it?

still, it hurts not to hear his overjoyed cheers occasionally throughout the day. not to mention how dead silent the apartment was this morning. we didn't exchange any words for breakfast, but i got to feed him, at least. i was afraid he'd refuse to eat, but as usual, he ate more than what he was served of.

as i walk out of the room, i would hear his footsteps rushing towards me in excitement, except there was none of that.

of course.. why would you expect something like that? i thought to myself. he wouldn't be doing that after the harsh response i gave him, even if it was just a mere word.

my head kept arguing with itself, thinking whether i should apologize to him and tell him the truth, or just continue being ashamed to look at jaehyung for the reason that i was doing everything i've done for myself only.

the other one seems like the best option now.

so, as i should, i walked to the living room to see jaehyung. except, the television is turned off, there isn't a single noise from the dummy phone, no sound of rummaging through drawers from the kitchen, and most importantly..

there's no sight of him anywhere.

"jaehyung?" i call, my heart starting to beat rapidly. the line between impossible and possible began to blur, and i couldn't help but think that he ran away.

no, he couldn't have. he doesn't even remember anything. even if i try to calm myself down, i couldn't. i just stand frozen in place, as my eyes frantically searches for him.

i fell to my knees as my breath shortens, my hands unconsciously clutching the fabric to my chest as i tried to catch all the heaved sighs. "no.. i didn't even apologize." i muttered, the sweat beads that were forming are now dripping down to my neck.

my hands fell from my chest to the floor, so i could catch my balance as my body began to fall heavy. not again, i thought it was gone, why is it back again?

did he really leave? just like that? although he has every right to do so, why does it make me so overwhelmed? i know i shouldn't feel like this, but everything around me is spinning and i can't breathe with all of the pressure from everything.

i don't have them anymore, fuck, i'm gonna die. i couldn't lift myself anymore and my body falls on the ground, and my vision starts to blur.

"younghyun?"

–

18:03

i jolt, gasping for air as my body felt like i've slept for ages. my heart is beating fast and i was sweating, but i could finally breathe. except the headache feels unbearable.

trying to process what just happened, my head was refusing to play the memories again. all i knew was i left the room, and i can't remember anything else after that.

as i was about to lift my hands to check the time on my phone, i stopped as soon as i felt another pair on top of mine. my head turns towards the direction of where my hands were, and i see..

jaehyung.

he's sleeping, his forehead resting on the edge of the bed as his hands were on mine.

just like before, i stare at his face and how beautiful he is. the tips of his blonde hair kissing his nose gently as his skin glows a porcelain white, and through his perfectly pale skin, the redness that seeped through his ears and cheeks made him look more of a doll than human.

earlier, i was having a panic attack. it's been years since i had one, but it just struck me now that my anxiety was only growing the more i was aware of every action i've been doing around jaehyung.

it's scary, i let it grow like that and it was affecting him as well.

"don't you feel cold?" i whispered, lifting a hand to his cheeks, only to feel how cold he is. he shifts a little as i try to wrap him with my blanket.

regardless of how careful i tried to be, his eyes flutter open since i was a little hasty to keep him warm. "mmf..." he grunts and i flinch in surprise. he looks around before his eyes stops on mine, and his drowsy face quickly beams into a lively one as he jumps to pull me into a hug.

"i was scared.." he mumbles, and before i knew it, my arms were already lacing around him.

i felt like tearing up after hearing his words, but i couldn't. something about the air is stopping me from doing so, yet i feel contented. it's warm, i hope he feels the same.

"i'm sorry."

i wasn't apologizing to anything, but rather everything that i've done to him and myself. i was so caught up in being anxious about everything that i completely forgot, there was nothing to be anxious about. i was only making the situation worse, and even if it feels like it's too late, i'm relieved that i realized it now.

"it's okay."

his hands were already atop my hair, and i could feel his tears running down the fabric on my shoulder as we sat in silence.

the air is filled with all his soft whimpering, he seems to be surpressing his cries with his other hand as he leaned on me. "do you know what time it is?" i whisper, and he nods his head.

"it's ten.. ten something." he whispers back.

i stare at the ceiling, before looking back at him who faced the other way while he cries silently. i wanted to laugh at him trying his best not to look at me, but i couldn't since my chest is being confined by his tight embrace.

"can you hand me my phone?" lifting my hand to my lips, i bit my finger to stop my smile.

he shakes his head, "i c..can't."

"why?"

his fingers were already fidgeting on my shirt, "i look ugly." he simply replied.

"that's tough.." i say, before placing my hands onto his shoulders to push him away, but he quickly jumps back as he lifts his palms up to his cheeks. though he's covering his them, the redness looked like it's transmitting into the back of his hands and his ears.

my brows lifted amusingly, i didn't expect such a cute reaction from him. "a–ah..! don't look, please." he whined.

my head falls in defeat, he was so cute that i couldn't look at him any longer or i'll end up bursting, yet i can't help but want more.

i look up again, he's still covering his cheeks. i kept resisting the urge to grin while i rest hands to his small wrists, but i don't try to move them away. he doesn't move either.

so, i scooted a little closer, resting my head against his hands. "are you scared of me?"

"n..no." he responds softly.

"then, you don't have to hide—"

his hands simultaneously moved with me as soon as i lifted my head up, which caused us to be in a weird position.

and in a brief second, our eyes widened while our lips met.

—

omg hi? hello? are you guys alive?

also thanks for 2k views i love u all mwah