IBTESHAAM ATISH

Life was full of ironies.

Such was that of marriage.

When I married Momina, it was the happiest decision of my life. Because I was marrying the woman of my choice. She was the woman I loved with all my heart.

But now, the mere thought of marriage repulses me.

Because what had happened with me, with us. It was the most terrible thing that could happen to any person. I clutched my chest, bearing the pain that seemed to dig itself deeper under my flesh. It wasn't just my heart that ached. It was my soul that was tormented.

"Mom, dad," I breathed, looking at them with an angry glare. "You both know how i feel about this." I had managed to calm myself down. My heart was beating fast in my chest. What the fuck are they planning?

"We know." Dad said, his face holding an expression of sympathy. "But it's been long overdue. It's been three years. We all mourn for Momina. We all are sorrowful for what had happened with you. And we've seen you suffer for three years. But it's time you put behind the past and move on."

A wave of emotion ran through me. First sadness, then tenderness, and finally anger. I decided to hang on to the anger and let it consume me.There was no place for tenderness in my life anymore. Tenderness made you weak. Any emotion other than anger made you weak. And I couldn't be weak. Not after what had happened.

So, I grabbed on to the anger and let it course through me until my body was shaking. I got up, my heart thudding harshly in my chest.

There was an eerie silence.

I looked at my dad—his face was full of concern, his blue eyes looking at me expectantly. I looked to my left and saw my mother. She also looked anxious as she grabbed my hand. "Sweetie, please come and sit down."

I fisted my hands tightly, finding this hard to listen. "I have to go." I murmured but mom stopped me.

"No, please. Sit down and hear us out."

"I've listened to what you had to say. And I've given my answer." I said, my voice thick distaste.

"Ibteshaam, you don't have a choice now. I've given Zakriya my word. So you will marry Ayesha."

My back was tense. I clenched my jaw and tried my best to reign in on my anger.

"You can't make that decision Dad."

"I can and I have." He said calmly.

Fuck! I hated this! Red hot anger coursed through my body

"No dad, you can't! This is my decision."

"I can actually, I'm your father." Dad cocked his head to the side. "And that's that. You will marry Ayesha before you leave for Islamabad. And I won't heat anything else about it." He said with finality, his hand grasping the remote stick of the chair as he left.

"I can't believe this!" I hissed and say back down, rubbing my face in vexation.

"We only want what's best for you, Shaam." Mom said and she sounded so sincere.

"You can't force me to marry her." I said coldly.

"We are not forcing anything."

"Dad just said that he's made the decision for me. Sounds like coercion to me."

"That's because you wouldn't accept it either way."

"I won't accept this even now."

Mom smiled. "I think you will. You've never said no to us. I think you won't say no now."

Fuck! I hated that she was right. I always tried to be a dutiful son. And an obedient son. I had never said no to them before.

"I don't want to mom. I can't."

"Shaam please, it's for your own good."

"Don't mom please. Ayesha is a good person. I won't be able to be a good husband to her."

"You will. Just like you were to Momina."

"My relationship with Momina was different."

"But it was us, your parents, who chose Momina for you. And look how you two turned out."

I didn't have any come back to that. It was true that my marriage with Momina was arranged by our families. But I loved her. Long before she became my wife. And I loved her even more when I married her.

"Don't do this mom." I shook my head, feeling my throat get clogged up. I knew what my parents wanted. They wanted to see me happy again. But I can never be happy again.

"Think about it, okay?" She said and got up to leave.

I was alone with my thoughts. And I needed just that. Getting up, I buried my hands in my pockets and went out into the back garden for a stroll. The fresh air would do me good but I still felt suffocated.

Momina was my love. She was my happiness. She was everything to me. And no one can ever replace her.

My parents believe in second chances and that's why they wanted me to marry Ayesha. But how could I? All these years, I only saw Ayesha as a good friend and as a sister. She was a close friend to my baby sister Hira until she died of Leukaemia years ago. And the last time I saw Ayesha was years ago as well.

How could they possibly make me marry someone I don't want. Someone I didn't see as my partner in life?

After all, when I couldn't be a good husband to Momina, then how could I possibly be a good husband to Ayesha.

How could I possibly treat her right? When I was the one who killed Momina.

**********

AYESHA ZAKRIYA

"Good job today," my senior, Dr. Farhan said to me as we walked down the end of the hallway.

"Oh thank God," I gasped with pride. "I'm so glad it went well."

"You rocked the presentation," Dr. Farhan praised. I nodded with a smile. "I hope the board liked it."

"I'm sure they did. They didn't give you a standing ovation for nothing." He said with a wink. I chuckled lightly, being careful not to be too friendly. I always maintained a profession and respectful relationship with my colleagues, especially the males. Because I knew how they looked at me. I wasn't a typical Pakistani after all. I had my father's Americanness in me as well.

Strawberry blonde hair with pale skin and my father's blue eyes. And that made me appear very beautiful and different. And I don't just say that because I think that. I say that because that's what my male colleagues have told me when they tried flirting with me. And that would always make me feel creeped out. I know I was pretty, but being in our profession, it's hard for women to get by without some sort of harassment. But Dr. Farhan was a nice person. I've known him for two years now and he's always been respectful.

We started to discuss about the presentation and Dr. Farhan kept praising me for a job well done.

We were almost at the exit near the emergency.

"Thanks, I appreciate that." I told honestly.

"So what do you say? We head out for dinner and invite the others as well?" He asked. I shook my head and took out my car keys from my purse. "I would love to but I need to get home now. My Dad is waiting for me." I told. He smiled as he said good bye and headed the other way. I was out of the automatic doors, out into the hot humid air of the hospital reception.

I so wanted to get home and take a shower. It was a good day, but a long day. And a shower is all I wanted right now.

"Ayesha!"

I halted in my steps.

My heart stammered and I felt like it might stop. And I think it did. My heart did stop when I heard his voice.

For a second, the whole world around me became still.

As if time had stopped.

I was shcoked. I didn't think I would hear his voice again.

Turning around, I saw him.

He took my breath away.

Ibteshaam. He was here.

"Ayesha, hey." He greeted, coming towards me, his stride powerful and confident. And my heart stuttered. I gawked at him like I was an idiot. But I couldn't help but admire him. His face was perfect. And time didn't do him any injustice—he was as handsome as ever. Sharp clean shaven jaw, straight nose, Broad shoulders, dressed in a fine gray suit, white shirt, and black tie with unruly dark copper colored hair and intense, bright brown eyes that regard me shrewdly. It took me a moment to find my voice.

"H-hey," I stammered, feeling my heart beat erratically. And for some unknown reason, my body was warming up in his presence. Even though I was still in a surprised state, I didn't mind him being near me.

"Sorry for dropping by unannounced." He said, being as polite as always. My heart almost skipped a beat. He was damn right, he should be sorry. He almost gave me a heart attack.

"But i asked your father. He told me you were at the hospital." He told. I nodded, not able to find my voice.

"Is this a good time? I wanted to talk to you about something." He said. I gazed into his eyes and I was taken aback when I saw how hard and cold his warm soft brown eyes had become.

"Sure." I murmured and cleared my throat. "I'm sorry, you just caught me by surprise, that's all."

He nodded.

"Yeah, like I said, I'm sorry for dropping by unannounced but I needed to talk to you about something important."

"Alright, what is it?"

"I'm sure that by now, your father must've informed you about what our families have decided."

I felt my heart drop at his words. "Oh,"

He was here to discuss that. I should've known.

"Yeah, I do,"

"And what's your response?" He asked, his voice deep. I licked my dry lips and shrugged, trying my best to act casual.

"I agreed." I told plainly.

He looked at me, with anger. I got worried. Why was he angry? His face had turned so hard. My hands began to tremble. I felt my pulse beating in my ears, blocking out all other sounds except my gasping breath.

"And why did you agree?"

"Umm, well." My mind felt boggled. But I had to be honest with him. "My dad asked me about marriage. And I wanted to marry you."

He clenched his jaw. "Why?"

I didn't want to answer that. I know I should be honest but I didn't want to answer that. I mean, how do you tell someone you've loved for years unrequitedly without making them feel awkward. Besides, I wasn't that brave.

"Never mind," he sighed. "I wanted to come here and ask you to refuse this proposal."

I felt my heart drop deep into the pit of my stomach. My blood grew cold and I felt my heart crack.

Refuse? He wanted me to refuse the proposal?

Willing myself into composure, I didn't let my emotions get the best of me as I look him right in the eyes. "May I know why?"

"Because I don't want to marry you." He deadpanned.

"Ouch," I chuckled drily. "That was brutal."

"No offence. It's not just you. I don't ever want to marry again." He clarified. I sighed.

"Well, I respect that." I pursed my lips, looking for the words. "But what if I don't want to refuse? What if I want to marry you?"

"That's a what if?" He queried. "It's not a what if here, Ayesha. This is your life. And trust me, you wouldn't want to marry me." He said, his face straight and his eyes cold.

"I'm not the right man for Ayesha or for anyone else. I can never be a good partner to anyone." He told. It hurt me to see him this way. He wasn't letting anything away but I could read him. He was hurting badly.

I shook my head. "I don't believe that. I've known you for so long. And I know the kind of man that you are." I said, trying so hard that he doesn't hear the sorrow in my voice.

Oh my poor Shaam.

"You don't know me." He hissed. "You don't know who I am."

"I do know you."

"The man you once knew is gone." He said strictly. "I'm a different man now."

"I know." I answered. I knew how much he had changed.

"No you don't. And that's why I'm telling you, it's best if you reject this proposal and back off."

"Well, why don't you do that?" I countered.

"Trust me, I have. I wouldn't be here if I didn't."

"Then why are you here?" I challenged, folding my arms across my chest.

"My parents won't have it. So the only course left is for me—" he paused and got startled by the loud sirens of an approaching ambulance nearby the emergency. I was used to it. I had seen it too much.

"Well, anyway, I want you to refuse—"

An involuntary gasp left my throat and my eyes widened when I saw the patient who was brought out of the ambulance on the stretcher.

"DAD" I screamed and ran towards him.