[TW: heavy themes of death, violence, blood, abuse, SH, panic attacks and vomit]

Remus pov.

Friday 8th October 1976 (sixth year)

Sitting in the common room, for hours his bones screaming in preparation for tonight. He could feel tonight was a bad one.

He sat on the armchair in the middle of the common room, a muggle book sat patiently on his lap ready to be read. He sighed and turned the pages, his brain not processing the squiggles on the paper. In frustration he huffed and quietly slammed the book shut, closing his eyes. Tears threatened his frustration, he could feel the wolf's anger intensify by the minute. He could feel his chest tighten, and his vision went blurry. He internally cussed as he drew his knees closer to his face, hugging them tightly, and pressed his eyes into his trousers.

He must have dozed off because he was alarmed when he heard a few footsteps approach. "Moony?" He didn't even look up, he could tell who it was by the concerned tone in his voice. He felt Sirius' hand gently on the back of his neck to which the wolf internally whimpered. He snapped up to meet his eyes, Sirius stepped forward to crouch in front of him, and James sat on the couch opposite. "Rem, it's okay" He felt the air stuck in his lungs. He felt his blood boil, and the moon intensifies the wolf's angry emotions. "It's not okay" He whispered, he pushed Sirius' hand off him, not meeting his concerned look. He felt his eyes turn to James for help. "Please, just leave me alone" He jumped up, his muscles not prepared for the sudden movement, he could feel his whole body burn in agony. "Moony, don't do that. You kno-" Sirius begged. "You know what Sirius?!" He snapped. He saw Sirius' jaw snap shut, he looked helpless.

He stormed out of the Gryffindor common room. Last week the marauders managed to melt Severus' cauldron to his horror, Severus drew his wand towards the four of them, luckily Slughorn stopped them in time before any physical harm was made, 50 points each from Gryffindor and Slytherin and a dreaded two weeks in detention. They weren't coming to the shack tonight. As he passed through the staircases and the hall he bumped into Lily and Severus. "Watch out Lupin, who knows what you're going to do next hm?" He felt his blood boil at this point. He muttered a charm under his breath and walked away, Severus started uncontrollably growing warts on his face, making him look even more deformed if that was already possible but he couldn't be bothered to deal with the consequences so he walked out of the castle, and down to the lake.

Remus discovered in his first year of Hogwarts a tree down by the lake which is hidden behind one of the walls of the castle, he sits on the tree root while escaping from the rest of the students and staff of Hogwarts. It's comforting to him. As soon as he woke up this morning he knew today was going to be wrong.

He looked at the calendar, 8th October. That day forever haunts him. 1965, his whole world changed, the attack by greyback and then seven months later his mother passed. He was only five. He didn't understand why his mother passed, he just remembered feeling lost without his mother. His father rejected him since the attack but when his mother passed, all was lost in their relationship. He remembered all the times they would walk along the river, holding hands and singing the muggle nursery rhymes. The way she would sing to him after waking up with a nightmare that haunted his dreams, she was always there, no matter what. He would give anything to have just one more moment like that with her.

He felt tears pouring from his eyes and he touched the lake, I wish she could see me now, a letdown, failure, monster. He felt himself gasp for air as he let all his vulnerability flow freely through his tears.

Hours passed while sitting and crying at the lake. Feeling close to her was all that he needed. He could see the sun starting to set and he could feel the panic rise in his chest once more. He hadn't eaten, studied, or gone to any of his classes today, and more importantly, he hadn't talked to Sirius.

He has been dating Sirius for just over three years now. They argued a lot but the love and connection they have is unmatched. The way Sirius was always there after the moon, holding him through his weakness, pain, and suffering and he wasn't going to be there tonight on the night he needed most. They have been arguing a lot more recently. He always got more touchy this time of year. He mentioned it but to no detail, they never asked, they could see how hurt he is. James would slap the back of their heads if they asked the wrong questions, holding a supportive hand out to Remus, a gesture that meant a lot.

He groaned as he got up from the lake, slowly making his way up to the hospital wing to meet Madam Pomfrey as per monthly tradition. One look at Remus and he noticed the look of concern that stuck on her face. "Remus dear? How are you feeling tonight?" She grabbed her robe before setting off together to the shrieking shack. He kept his head down and mumbled a 'fine'

Madam Pomfrey was one of the closest women to his mother he had met. The compassion and caring nature matched Hopes. The way she would always tend to Remus after the full moon really deeply meant a lot to him, especially the first moon they had. He was scared, shaking, and alone. The wolf did not like its new home and scratched up Remus more than usual, destroying the room in the process. When he came back around he erupted in sobs of 'sorry' and 'I didn't mean to' repeatedly which shattered her heart as she held him tight in her arms as she reassured them that it was okay. Ever since the first moon, the moons after that were okay until 3rd year they started getting worse due to the hormones he was experiencing due to puberty. New scars littered his skin, the more he gained, the harder they were to cover. Sirius loved his scars.

Sirius.

He snapped back into reality as they entered the shack. Alone. No pack. He sat down on the bed, holding back his emotions while Madam Pomfrey was there. He looked up at her and held his arms out, she looked confused but he just crashed into her arms. "Thank you for all that you do for me" He holds her tight as she rubs his back "Remus, it's my job. Now I have to go, the moon is approaching soon. See you in the morning."

He watched her leave and cast a locking charm on the door. He was alone. There were at least 10 minutes until the moon was going to rise. He stripped his clothes and lay under the Gryffindor blanket, shaking in the cool October winds.

Sirius, his lover. He loved his music and dancing together in their dorm room alone. His smell, leather, and oak. He could listen to Sirius talk for hours and hours from pranks and quidditch to how much he loves and appreciates Remus. He always used to be jealous of Sirius and James with their friendship, and their closeness. He never experienced it until Remus and Sirius became an item. He never felt loved and appreciated, not by his father so it was a strange experience at first but he later grew into it, enjoying every second of Sirius' attention.

James, from his calm and caring nature to the free-spirited lovestruck boy pining for years over Lily Evans. He remembered holding James close after a particularly nasty comment Lily made to James, at the time he pretended to not let it get to him, but he could smell James' upset and brought him away to the dorm where he broke down in his arms. The vulnerability at that moment brought them closer together. From that moment on James fiercely protected Remus. James through and through was the mother hen, always helping the other three marauders through anything.

Peter, everyone underestimates him. Remus was always close with Peter before Sirius and James. Peter was quiet like himself, small and plump. Half-blood like himself. Peter was never intelligent like the other marauders but he was smart. Remus enjoyed watching Peter throughout the years, watching Peter grow emotionally as he gained confidence especially after becoming an animagus. He deeply respected Peter.

The cracking of his bones snapped him back into reality. He felt his skin melting, his muscles spasming. He started screaming at the top of my lungs, no time to breathe.

Wolf angry, attack, no mutt? The wolf looked around for his pack. That's when the wolf attacked its own flesh, deep cuts across his body.

—

He felt himself transform back, falling down onto the hard wooden boards of the shrieking shack. The strong metallic smell hitting his nose, blood. He was gasping for air, he looked down and saw a crime scene. His whole chest was littered with deep gashes exposing the contents of his torso. He dropped his head back onto the cool boards, groaning in response. He closed his eyes

"Remus?" A familiar voice. He opened his eyes, he was at his childhood house, the sound of the lake rushing down by his left and in front of him stood the woman he loved most "Mum?!" He couldn't believe it, this feels too real? He felt tears falling from his eyes, Hope rested her hand on his cheek, catching his tears. He closed the space between them, burying his head into her shoulder. "I've missed you so much" He cried out. "I know my boy, I'm so proud of you." She pulls away to look into his eyes "I'm so happy to have you back with me."

Back with me? Remus thought for a second "what?" He paused "am I dead?!" Shock overtook his body. Hope offered Remus her hand which he gladly took, they walked hand in hand along the river, mother and son. Soon she dropped down by their favourite spot. He looked into the river and saw his corpse, laying in a pool of his own blood. He stared traumatised. He put his hand into the lake and he was transported back to the shrieking shack. He stood in the corner of the room. He wasn't in his body, he was a spirit, a ghost. Not human. He waited for just over 10 minutes until he could hear Madam Pomfrey cast the charms to open the door and a very audible gasp. She ran to his side screaming "REMUS" She sobbed holding his body close, feeling for a pulse but he was gone and she knew it. She knew she had to be strong for her Remus and the other marauders, she cleaned Remus up best as she could before covering his body in a thin, white sheet with a Gryffindor page embroidered onto it. She levitated his body out to the hospital wing into his own private room and locked it with a charm only she could unlock, she didn't want to risk the other marauders finding Remus in that state. Remus followed her every move. Luckily after the last full moon, he had a feeling he needed to write a letter to each person he knew, just in case anything happened. They were locked in the little cabinet next to his bed where fresh flowers stood in a vase.

It was still dark but at 6:45 am she had woken both Dumbledore and McGonagall up where they had a meeting, Remus stood in the corner watching the adults' conversation.

"Poppy, what's happened? Is Remus okay?" Minerva sat down graciously on the chair opposite Poppy. Dumbledore sat in the chair next to her. That's when she broke down. "It's okay, take your time," Dumbledore said calmly as McGonagall held her hand out for Pomfreys. "Remus didn't make this moon." She grabbed a tissue and dabbed it under her eyes "He was gone before I got there this morning." He watched as all three adults had tears in their eyes. "How are we going to tell Potter, Black, and Pettigrew?" Minerva turned towards Albus. "We shall cancel classes today, all students shall be made aware of a loss in the castle and an assembly this evening." He watched McGonagall sniffle and nod her head. "We shall tell all prefects to keep all students in their common rooms until 8 where each head of house will announce the cancellation of classes today due to a loss at Hogwarts." Dumbledore wiped his eyes and took Minerva's hand "would you be able to tell the three boys of the passing? I'll get in contact with Lyall." Minerva nodded before grabbing a tissue and leaving to tell the teachers of all heads of houses to pass the messages to their prefects.

He walked the hallways of Hogwarts until 7:30 when he made his way up the common room. He saw them, Sirius was pacing around the common room, angry he can't see Moony. James is trying to calm Sirius down and Peter is watching the whole ordeal. He wanted to tell Sirius sorry, how he was awful, hold him tight. He watched Lily, Marlene and Mary walk down the stairs together, holding their books ready to go down to breakfast before they saw the worry on the boy's faces. Lily wondered over to James if this was a normal day James would be thrilled Lily Evans wanted to see him but he was too focused on the guilt he was feeling, the overwhelming worry, and his uncontrollable friend. "James, where is Remus?" She stared up into his eyes, she hadn't seen the worried expression he held. "Oh James." She wrapped her arms around his shoulders, and with shock, he wrapped his arms around her waist. Remus smiled, he always knew she liked him deep down. She pulled back and turned to Sirius and gave him a hug too. This time Sirius just broke down in her arms, uncontrollably sobbing. She looked up at James for help but he was almost also in tears. Remus felt horrible, how could he have left his friends like this? Lily pulled back and cleaned up Sirius' face. "He's strong Sirius, we know he is."

He was about to move closer but McGonagall walked in, a sombre expression plastered on her face. She cleared her throat "Today, all classes have been cancelled. Hogwarts has experienced a great loss and an assembly will be held tonight. We are all here to support you through your difficult times so as teachers, our doors will be open to talking today but we do request you as students to remain calm and respectful of the loss we have experienced. We shall all let you down to breakfast momentarily." She left before any of the marauders could get to her.

"She seemed upset, I have a bad feeling about this" Mary sat on the arm of the couch. Remus watched the expressions of his former classmates while dealing with the news. James sat down next to Sirius and held him tight, Peter was quiet, processing the information he was just given. Lily was in tears on the other side of Sirius, Marlene was holding her close and brushing through her hair.

Remus followed them down to breakfast. None of them ate. The owls flew and gave the castle their daily mail, James finds a letter attached to his owl from McGonagall asking for him, Peter, and Sirius to meet her in her office.

Remus followed behind them all the way to the office. "Come in boys, take a seat." She controlled her voice, grabbing a tissue and blowing her nose. "There is no easy way to tell you this information." She paused looking at the boys. Sirius grabbed James' hand, knowing his world would shatter. "Unfortunately, Remus didn't survive this month's moon." That's when Sirius started screaming in mental agony. This set off McGonagall, small tears running down her cheeks. "Madam Pomfrey found him this morning, he, unfortunately, was already deceased by the time she got there. I want you boys to tell me now that you are not to blame for this. Remus wouldn't want you to blame yourselves." Remus didn't blame them, he also did blame them.

"We had an argument before the moon last night" Sirius spluttered out. McGonagall passed Sirius the box of tissues. "It's all my fault." Remus wanted to run and hug him, tell him everything. It wasn't his fault. "Sirius, this is not the time to blame yourself." She wiped her eyes and looked at the boy's broken expression.

The three boys made their way down to the medical ward where they were met with an uncontrollable Lyall screaming "that's my boy" the screams were heard from the outside of the private room until a silencing charm was cast. A few minutes later an emotional Pomfrey walked out of the room, she saw the three boys and walked over to them slowly, sniffling. She held the boys close as they all cried into each other "sorry" was all Poppy could say.

After what felt like an hour they asked to see him. She agreed as long as they did not pull the white sheet below his neck. They walked into Lyall leaning over his boy's chest, uncontrollably sobbing. As soon as they saw Remus' corpse they broke down even more. A sign to show this wasn't a prank. Sirius took one look at Remus and started heaving, his throat tightening. He left the room to throw up. With another deep breath, he entered the room, this time making his way over to his lover and stroking his hair. "Can I have a moment alone with him please?" He looked up at James, Peter, and Lyall. Lyall joined James and Peter who were offering their condolences.

"How are you so beautiful, even in death?" He gave a watery chuckle. Remus stood beside Sirius, watching him look and talk to his body on Earth. "Babe, I'm sorry. This is all my fault. Why did our last conversation have to be an argument? Why have you left me, Remus? My soul mate. My lover. How am I supposed to live the rest of my life without you by my side? Life is never going to be the same. Who is going to hold me through the night? Who will be there to talk about my family? Who will be there cheering me on for quidditch? Who will read to me while I rest on your chest and listen to your heartbeat? Who will bug me to do my homework or study? Who will love me more than you ever would? Who will rock my world like you did? I can't think of another single person who could live up to you Remus." They were both sobbing uncontrollably.

There was a knock on the door. It was James. The three of them had their moment together, staring at the boy "Why did we get detention?" Sirius spat "look what we've done!" The boys nodded and held Remus' hand.

Madam Pomfrey told them that Dumbledore was expecting them in his office. The boys walked passed many of the Hogwarts students who looked at them confused.

"Boys, I'm deeply saddened by your loss. Remus was truly a remarkable person." He smiled sadly. "He left you each a letter." He handed them each their letters.

To James,

If you read this, I'm dead. I knew I didn't have long left. I could tell by this past moon. I just wanted to tell you how deeply appreciated you are to me. You have changed my life by accepting me for who I am and helping me through my relationship with my dad and Sirius. I hope you guys don't miss me that much. I'm so proud of who you have become. The best quidditch player (don't tell Sirius) that I know. Your determination and your general caring for others are what I hope people aspire to be like. Please take care of Sirius and Lily for me. Hope you and Lily finally go on that date you told me about, I took it to the grave but she really likes you too, so shoot your shot for me. Sirius, I can't even imagine what he's going through. Just let him know it's not his fault, I'm always watching over him and Reggie even if he doesn't like to admit it. I'm with my mum now, my dream come true. You better finish your NEWTS and become Aurors like you said you have, for me. I love you, James. Thank you for all that you have done for me. See you in the afterword.

He watched James read and let out a large sob once he finished the letter, holding it close to his chest. Sirius held the envelope in his shaking hands "If you don't mind, I would like to open my letter by myself." McGonagall nodded at his wishes.

Dear Pete,

If you are reading this, it means I have died. It's so weird writing this now knowing that I'll be dead while you read this. Anyways, I just wanted to tell you how much you meant to me. You were the first friend I had ever made. You really do mean a lot to me. You are incredibly smart
and don't let anyone tell you otherwise, you need to stand up for yourself more as I won't be there to do so. Please revise and do well on your NEWTS for me as I won't be there to encourage you. Please get the quidditch commentator as you have always dreamed of since second year, you deserve it. Thank you for always being there for me and accepting me for who I am. I'll speak to you soon. Do yourself proud!

Remus.

Pete handed the letter to James as he spluttered more and mumbled at the comments Remus had made. Remus laughed at the letters he wrote the month before but every word that was written on those pages was true. He loved his friends, he really did.

The afternoon rolled around and the remaining marauders stayed in different offices and classrooms to avoid the other students at Hogwarts. Soon the evening rolled around and the students gathered in the halls, tissues laying on the tables. The hall had an eerie, dark, tense atmosphere. Gryffindor banners float around the great hall, showing the house of loss.

The marauders sat on their bench, and Lily sat next to James. The hall was full of mumbling teenagers, the marauders had their heads down. "Welcome to this evening's assembly. We have some sad news. This morning, we lost one of our Gryffindor prefects. Remus Lupin, unfortunately, passed away early this morning." The whole hall gasped, Lily erupted in tears and grabbed onto James. Remus smiled, he wanted them to be happy. "Our thoughts are with Remus' family and friends." The rest of the students stared at the marauders."We will go back to normal classes on Monday. Our offices will be open if any student wishes to talk to a professor. In the library, we will dedicate a corner to Remus as we all know that Remus spent a lot of time in the library." Dumbledore smiled sadly before dismissing the hall of students. Remus watched his friends break down, he never felt more appreciated and loved.

He watched them all go down the halls to the common room after an hour. He briefly saw Sirius and Regulus talk but he didn't make much notice of it.

For the next few days, he watched his friends mourn. Sirius didn't sleep much, he kept creeping into bed with James who held the uncontrollable boy. Sirius didn't read his letter until Sunday morning. He cried and smiled at the letter. "Merlin, I miss you Moony."

Remus felt tears flow down his cheeks. "I miss you too, I love you" Sirius looked up at him and gave a watery smile.

[Uploaded on 03/09/2022. I'm going to make this a 3 part-one shot. This chapter is Remus' POV, the next chapter is Sirius' pov and the third chapter is I'll let you find out. I'm excited to write it. Leave any comments please :) and thank you for reading]

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