By Deanuhh

"Wh-What do you mean?"

I don't recognise my hoarse voice. A painful lump forms in my throat, as if barbed wires had been twisted and tightened around my neck. My stinging eyes stare at the man across the room and it takes all my efforts not to cry in front of him.

My mate begins to pace around the room, running a hand through his thick black hair. I follow his gesture and drink in his appearance. I yearn to be wrapped in his strong, protective arms. Every moment I spend apart from him pains me.

His violet eyes eventually meet mine and he lets out a frustrated sigh. "What I mean is that I'm the Alpha of the White Claw pack. How do you expect me to accept a she-wolf that can't even shift?!"

My heart is sliced and I immediately recoil at his words. He doesn't react whatsoever. The mate bond works to interlace our feelings, so I know he's aware of the pain he has inflicted upon me.

He doesn't want me... Because I can't shift.

"But As-Aspen... I'm your mate," I croak.

"No, Kamila." My name rolls perfectly of his tongue, but I'm not able to enjoy the pleasure I feel. "My mate should be someone fit to lead the White Claw pack beside me. And you're not fit to be their Luna."

This time, I can't control the tears that stream down my cheeks. My surroundings become blurry and suddenly I'm seeing a memory.

I was young, yet I remember the day with great detail. Savannah and I were playing in the meadows. She, like the rest of the pups, was able to shift with ease.

"Kamila!" she cries out to me, "Try shifting again today! Maybe you can get it this time!"

I had sat there on the grass, my arms on the earth, grunting as hard as I can. "I... Can't!"

"But, Kamila! You're the Alpha's daughter!"

It's true. I am the daughter of Alpha Zion, head of Crimson Shadow pack. And Savannah is the daughter of Beta Sage. However, unlike Savannah and the rest of the pack members, my mother is not a werewolf.

Before my father met Luna Rue, he mated with a human, and she fell pregnant with me. This was completely unheard of and shouldn't be possible. Everyone was certain I would die at childbirth. But I had lived, and it was my mother who hadn't made it.

The pack doctors assured me that I would have suffered the same fate had I not had Alpha blood coursing through me. I was half-wolf, half-human. Yet if I had been born to a wolf of different status, I would have surely not lived.

My father's Alpha status is what kept me alive, and it served as a constant reminder to put me in my place and ensure I was grateful.

"I... I can't Savannah! I can't shift! Why can't I shift... all... all the other pups can shift and I... I can't Savannah!"

Warm tears flow down my face. This happened every day and I was sick of it. Why wasn't I like the rest of the pups? I was worthless. I was a misfit.

"It's okay, Kamila... maybe... maybe you'll be able to tomorrow!"

I shook my head at Savannah's optimism. I knew then I was a lost cause.

"Pups!" Our Gamma Jonas calls out as he enters our clearing. He gathers all the children and whistles twice. "Alright, everyone shift. Time to practise hunting!"

I sit there and watch them all shift effortlessly. Jonas leads them away, to go teach them basic hunting skills. I watch from afar, the only wolf in the pack incapable of shifting, wondering why I wasn't good enough.

"Kamila! Kamila... Damn, Kamila, are you listening to me?"

I snap back to reality. "I... sorry... I... Um..."

Great, I can't even form sentences anymore.

All I desired was validation from my mate. All my life, I was pining after the prospect that I would one day be okay for someone; acceptable even.

Yet the Moon Goddess had decided to punish me by pairing me with a wolf of high demand. All my fantasies and devotion perished at the realisation.

"Listen. I already have someone in mind to be Luna. I just... I just can't accept you, Kamila. My pack comes first." He says it with much conviction. He's already made up his mind.

I look up into his violet eyes, searching for even a strand of regret I could play on. His eyes stare back as bottomless pools, the calm stability of blue clashing with the fierce energy of red. I stay locked into the intense gaze, a silent beg to let us remain inseparable. His eyes drain colour, switching to grey and his jaw clenches. I know what he's about to say.

"I, Alpha Aspen Alvaro of the White Claw pack, reject you, Ka—"

"NO!" I hear the shriek before I recognise it's my own.

Swiftly I stand and rush out of the room, creating as much distance as I can between us both. My heart can't bare his rejection; I truly would break apart.

I feel a deep fury within me mixed with unrecognisable emotions I've never endured. I run through corridors, taking twists and turns. My head pounds and I don't notice a figure blocking my path until it reaches out to grab me.

"Kamila...?" Savannah's worried eyes meet mine, "What's wrong? You're crying—"

"Leave me alone, Sav! Just... Just let me be!" I shove her to the side and continue my rush to the main door, desperate to get out.

Taaangg!

The door swings open fast as I storm outward. Without thought, I headed away from the packhouse, running as far as my legs would take me.

The blistering cold of the night engulfs me immediately. I step into oceans of snow and struggle to push against the harsh winds, and yet inside me, blood boils. An angry fire lights the core of my heart and pumps throughout me. Every fibre of my body can feel the pain coursing through me; anger, sadness, envy, hurt.

"Kamila!" I hear someone call from behind, "Where are you going?"

I continue to battle onward, unable to control my emotions. I need to clear my mind and figure out what is going on.

Something different is brewing within me; something I've never felt before.

I'm aware of every drop of agony I feel, yet another source of discomfort manifests deep inside of me, in a part of me I didn't know existed. And increasingly by the second, this discomfort grows to greater pain, bringing along with it a burst of energy and flame.

What is happening to me? Why have I never felt like this before? Is a mate's rejection really this destructive?

I become increasingly aware that I no longer am in control. My body leads the way without reason, heading towards an unknown destination with such certitude. I feel like a puppet, my limbs attached to strings pulling me across the woods. The fiery vitality inside of me fuels me to continue.

I stop running when I realised I've reached a clearing; the same clearing Savannah would take me to as a child, begging me to try to shift so we can play together. Ever since I had officially given up, I had avoided this section of the woods. It reminded me too much of my failures.

Panting, I looked around in circles. Much had changed, but I had not. I stayed the same... hopeless. My half-siblings, children of the Alpha and the true Luna, would grow to be mighty wolves and leaders. I, on the other hand, can't even be accepted by my own mate!

My heart aches as I remember Aspen, and I fall to my knees, crying uncontrollably. Why has the Moon Goddess cursed me like this? Surely Aspen has been cursed too, for him to end up with someone as pathetic as me.

A cloud above shuffles with the wind, uncovering the luminous silver pearl that was hidden. As soon as the moon's ray touches my skin, I am greeted with a new wave of pain.

I scream out in torment, tossing and turning in the cold earth. Abruptly, my blood pressure increases, causing my limbs to harden and my chest to pound painfully. I roll over, dangerously lightheaded. My vision blurs, and I have difficulty drawing in a breath.

I dig my nails firmly into the ground, trying to control myself. Suddenly, I feel my grip tighten and expand. Opening my eyes, I notice my hand growing larger, my nails sharper.

Almost like a claw...

Hair begins to sprout on my hand, turning into fur. I watch dumbfounded, but before I can question the alternation before me, I hear a sharp snap, followed by a colossal ache in my back.

I bellow in pain, but the sound is trapped in my throat, and what exits sounds more animalistic.

More snaps, slightly smaller, begin to bombard my body, all the way from my toes to my neck. I don't have a chance to brace myself, and so I squeeze my eyes shut instantly, and continue digging my nails into the cold earth beneath me.

My heartbeat becomes irregular, and multiple pulses beat erratically throughout me. I wither in pain as parts of my body twist tightly, and other sections expand painfully. The snaps and crunches of bone become louder, my ears ringing. I hear the sound of clothes ripping.

I notice I'm suffocating and attempt to draw in a breath, but much more cold air enters my throat than anticipated, and I notice my jaw and neck are no longer the same size; neither is the shape of my nose. I attempt to focus on breathing but my diaphragm and lungs feel foreign in my chest.

A rush of adrenaline returns as I panic, and the now familiar sensation of boiling liquid oozes in my veins, feeding the creature within.

I throw my shoulders back to let out cry instinctively, but instead, the lumbering vibrations in my upper body produce a clear howl.

Did I make that sound? Did I really just howl? Time and time, I had tried to mimic my packmates to make such a sound, and every time I had failed. A wholesome satisfaction blooms within me at my achievement.

A final rush of heat sparks all over me and suddenly, the last piece of the jigsaw clicks together, and there is a frightening stillness. Ever so slowly, I open my eyes.

My surroundings look nothing the same. The first thing that becomes apparent to me is my vision. No longer does darkness envelop me, but rather everything seems perfectly illuminated. There are no lights, yet I can see everything perfectly clear in the middle of the night. I begin to notice details my eyes had skimmed past before; tiny tree patterns, and a drop of water that wonderfully slips onto a leaf below, where it splatters perfectly. It happens so far away, yet my eyes are able to take it in precisely.

A flutter sounds in a tree above and I intuitively turn. It must've been an owl, yet I heard it from so far away too. Other minute noises become noticeable to what I had previously considered a silent forest.

And the fragrances! The august smell of damp earth combined with old fallen leaves and the sweet smell of pine infiltrates my nostrils. I take a moment to take a long, deep breath to soothe me.

Gradually, my senses all combine to form a wholistic interpretation of my surrounding. Contrasting to my previous panic, I feel calmness and serenity.

The realisation dawns on me. I did it... I shifted into a wolf. I am currently.... a freaking wolf!

I take a singular step forward, and my forearm buckles, not familiar with the new movement. My paws kiss the earth with lightness and I manage to balance myself, taking more and more steps. The urge to move faster overcomes me, and I build up speed and leap. The movement stretches my previous tense muscles and I grin to myself in bliss.

I shake my fur, flakes of snow sliding off. My fur clings to my frame like a windbreaker in a gale, keeping me warm from the harsh weather.

I gaze up at the moon, cascading through a sea of darkness. In my monochrome musings, the moon is deep silver, a rock alone in space, turning pirouettes for no applause. Yet when I open my eyes that tiny bit more, I see an orb with the company of the sun, reflecting light, not silver, but with a buttermilk glow. The Moon Goddess is there, close to our Earth, keeping us company while she may. She has granted me the power to shift into the majestic monster I have become.

I hear a twig scrunch from afar and I briskly turn, my heartbeat increasing. Even from such a great distance, I can smell his addictive scent. The deep and rich aroma of musk blended with log fires captivates me.

Before I could brace myself, Aspen enters the clearing, shifted as a wolf. Why is he here? Did he sense my pain and know I had shifted?

Wasting no time he tackles me, instantly wrapping around me. I feel fireworks and sparks gush through me at the contact. His large alpha frame overtakes me and while holding me tight he buries his head into my neck.

I'm sorry.

I hear the deep rumble in my mind and instantly know its Aspen's voice. Is this what... mind linking feels like? The sensation is so strange. The thought of Aspen's voice inside of me creates warmth and I smile to myself like an idiot.

I think of what he says... he's sorry? For what he said? For his almost-rejection?

I move my head to look him right in the eye. Even as a wolf, his eyes are violet. I continue staring into him and sink into our intertwined embrace.

Can I forgive him? He had given up on me so easily... He was completely prepared to let me go and had no faith in me whatsoever. I closed my eyes, realising my hypocrisy. After all, I was no better than Aspen. I had given up on myself and deemed myself hopeless for years on end. And if I was going to forgive myself, I would have to forgive Aspen too.