I was back in the palace in a matter of forty-eight hours. This time, I had a sprawling jet to myself, a constant supply of exclusive alcohol – thought I certainly didn't have the stomach for any of it – and far too much time to think. I wished I could have admired the jet or the drive to the palace. I should have reveled in those leather seats or plastered my face against a window to admire all of the snow and the Christmas magic that seemed to have fallen over this little country.

I cared for none of it. And when I entered the palace, I decided that I actually hated it, loathed it really. It was a slap in the face. It was all a stark reminder that my mother was gone and though my life had abruptly halted, the rest of the world moved on. Everyone else was having a grand old time while my life had been jerked out from under me.

I waited in the foyer with a huff, rolling my eyes at extravagant garlands that were laced through banisters and around marble pillars. Mistletoe hung from every nook and cranny and lights twinkled softly. It might have been tasteful to some, but it made me want to vomit right now.

"Oh London," Zara sighed, clicking into frame with her perfect hair and polished outfit. She looked just as put together as she had on her wedding day.

"Hey," I grumbled.

"Come, come, let's get you set up in your room. You must be exhausted from your travels but I am so happy that you could be here."

I was whisked away in a matter of seconds, a lovely staff member coming to help me with my bags as I was taken to the same room as before. Though, it hardly looked the like the same room. Judging for the scent in the air, the tree in the corner was very real and quite fresh. There was a new throw blanket, seasonal pillows, and even two wreaths on the walls.

"Sorry if it's a bit much, I love Christmas," the queen murmured. "And now that I get to spoil Dallas, it's all the more exciting."

"I'm half expecting Santa Claus to show up." It was supposed to be said with humor and kindness, but it came out dry and bitter.

"London." Christ, of course Jasper would show up now. He probably descended from his throne just to scold me, but when I turned away from his wife to face him, I didn't see anger or the glint of warning in his eye as I often did when I overstepped.

"Jasper," I greeted while cocking my head. "Or do I address you as something else now that you have taken a position beside your wife?"

"You have lost weight," he stated, ignoring me entirely. "And I don't think I've ever seen you with dry skin in my entire life."

Whatever little decency I had in me faded. My teeth clenched together. "Ah, yes thank you. Is that how you greet all the women in your life?" I snapped.

Jasper gestured to the staff member who had carried in my bags. The man immediately made himself scarce and shut the door behind him. It was just me, teetering on the edge of a verbal assault, Jasper, and the queen.

"Sit," Jasper ordered, pointing to an arm chair tucked by the fire place. I didn't even flinch. "London, I'm not here to argue with you. I just want to have a conversation with you. Have a seat please."

Zara's gentle, but frigid hands touched my arms. With the faintest of touches, she steered me to the chair and sat me down. While I glared at Jasper, she began pouring tea into three dainty cups.

"It's a good thing my wife has a sixth sense. She told me she knew something was wrong and she was right."

"I'm fine," I bit back.

Jasper sighed, crossing his arms as he leaned against the nearest wall. "I'm glad she called when she did because you are certainly not fine."

"You don't know anything!"

He didn't even bat an eye at my outburst. "I know that you have a short temper, but certainly not that short. I also know that you were already athletic and taking care of your body. Losing weight like this, so suddenly, is not healthy. And judging by the three hundred thousand products in your bathroom, you also don't normally forget to take care of your skin."

I barely noticed Zara placing a warm cup of tea in my hands, curling my fingers around the porcelain for me when I refused to move. "My mom is gone, Jasper."

"I know. And I'm not going to sit here and promise that I can bring her back or that I can fix all of this because I can't. I couldn't help Alistair through this when it happened to me, but I can help you. You are staying with us for four days. I get to monitor you for four days, make sure that you are eating decent food, that you have a hot drink whenever you want one, that you have a support system to lean on."

"I don't need help."

"I know you do."

"I want to go home. I thought I came here for a reason."

"Oh," Zara murmured. "You can help me with my dress but it is absolutely not required. I just needed an excuse to get you out here. And I'm so glad that you are here and I would love your help when you are up for it. Same with the ball, you are welcome to come or not. It is all entirely your choice."

Jasper studied me slowly. "We aren't torturing you, London. Sometimes unfortunate events can cause us to evolve into something ugly and awful. What you are going through is nothing short of a tragedy, but that doesn't mean that you have to face it all alone."

I thought their reaction to my situation was unnecessary, but decided that there was no real trouble in letting it slide this time. The fighting died quickly and I grudgingly agreed to stay for the four days. At least I could enjoy the glamor while it was here. I was given time to unpack and shower before supper was served. It was a cozy and casual meal and the head chef even took a spot at the table, nestled between Queen Zara and Dallas. I poked at the tandoori chicken, only forcing myself to swallow down bits when I felt like someone was watching.

We even watching a movie together afterwards. I knew that they were trying to be kind, but it was awkward at best. Zara insisted on a cheesy romance movie about a writer finding love in a festive small town. The three of them snuggled together, looking like the perfect family in their matching plaid pajamas. Jasper even fell asleep on Zara's shoulder, Dallas following close behind.

And then there was me, stiff and uncomfortable on my own couch with hot cocoa in my hands, but never reaching my lips.

The next morning, I forced myself to wake up at the crack of dawn, even though it felt like my eyes had barely shut last night at all. I hated people watching like I was a China doll, waiting for me to shatter into a thousand pieces. So, to prove that I was completely and utterly fine, I pulled on a pair of bike shorts and a cropped colour-block tee. I met Jasper in the gym, watching one of his eyebrows raise in surprise when he spotted me. But he said nothing as we walked side by side on the treadmill together.

I thought I was doing such a marvelous job of being self-sufficient. I was proving that I could handle all of this and more, that even the worst of things didn't derail me from my goals. But when I hoisted weight above my head in a shoulder press, I watched my form in the mirror. And it all fell apart.

I had lost weight. Too much weight. Jasper was right, I was already athletic, spending so much of my time working out and playing sports to keep my mind and body sharp. Now, with my arms above my head, I could see the lines of my ribs, the clear definition of muscle that should have been hidden under supple skin. My jaw looked too angular; my collarbones too exposed. But it didn't end there. Acne screamed back at me, red and angry on my pale skin. I was no stranger to adult breakouts, but careful routine, high water intake, and a balanced diet had helped clear up the worst of it. And my hair, the dark hair that I had inherited from my mother, was limp and lifeless on my head. Worse, it was thin, thinner than it had ever been. Even now, I could see portions of my scalp in the mirror.

I was literally falling apart.

"London?" Jasper said, noticing my stillness.

My arms trembled downward, suddenly unable to support any weight at all. Jasper swept in, grabbing the dumbbells before they slipped from my grasp and setting them aside.

And I just stared at myself, at the shell that I had become. I was a wreck. Worse, I was nothing. And seeing the problem so glaringly, but not knowing what to do, not feeling like I had the strength to fix it or the ability to walk away, I lost my reflection in my tears. My knees wobbled. Jasper's arms were around me. Together, we slowly sank to the floor.

And I sobbed, breaking just like a vase that had struck the floor.

I would never be put back together again. 

~~~Question of the Day~~~

How do you spend most of your time in  a day?

Unfortunately, for me, it's at work. Especially now that tax season is upon us.