The murmurs grow louder, and a few gasps sound out. I poke my head up. Will they finally acknowledge me?

Nobody looks at me. I turn towards Darren, whose dejected gaze is fixated on his lap. He suddenly tightens his lips and squints his eyes, and a tear rolls down his cheek. What in the world is happening?

"Oh.. Rain!" I hear a girl cry from the row behind him. My eyes widen. Could it be— can someone finally see me?

"Can you see me?" I shout towards the voice.

I see the girl who said my name start to cry as the girls on either side of her coax her gently.

"Are you ok?" They murmur. "It's going to be ok," another one murmurs.

I tilt my head back. Did I do something wrong?

Without looking at me, the girl wipes her tears. "It's just so sad... I can't believe she's gone."

My heart starts to pound out of anger. Whatever this prank is, it's stupid. "What do you mean gone? I'm literally standing right here!"

Why is everyone acting like this? As if I'm not here? Is it really so bad for Willowburg to give a scholarship to a girl like me? I earned it! How could they do this to me?

"I'm right here!" I glare up at the stage and shout at the principal.

His mouth hangs open as he continues to stare at the index card in disbelief. He stammers before flipping to the second card. He reads it quickly before looking up and clearing his throat. The crowd begins to settle down.

"As you all know, we lost an exemplary student two months ago due to a horrible tragedy. Rain Wilson was an honor rolls student, earning several..."

My legs tremble, and I feel as if the floor will give way underneath me. I steady my hand on the edge of the stage for balance. What... what horrible tragedy? How had two months passed already? I squint my eyes and silently beg the universe to wake me up from this horrifying nightmare. Please, please just let me wake up now. This can't be real...

"Right? Like, I can't believe she actually killed herself," a girl whispers somewhere nearby.

"Yea, did you see on the news she hung herself?"

"... so sick."

"I can't imagine..."

"Her parents must be heartbroken."

No. No. No. No. No. No. No no no no, no!

Stop. Please. Please, I want to wake up now. This isn't real. It can't be real.

"Our deepest condolences go out to the Wilson Family. The Award will go to the runner up instead, and that person is..." Principal McGregor flips to the next card.

This time, the friend on Darren's right pats his back and grins at him in an attempt to cheer him up, I suppose. "It's going to be yours, man!" He whispers.

Darren forces a smile and sighs before smoothing out his gown.

"Joel Larson! Congratulations, you are the runner up and recipient of the Annual Willowburg Merit Scholarship!"

The auditorium erupts into applause, and I catch the exact moment Darren's face falls. His sleek dress shoes squeak as he quickly shuffles back into a seated position.

"What? Who even is that?" A random girl says somewhere behind Darren and his friends.

"I don't know.. I've never heard of him," someone else replies.

"The fucking stoner kid? Are you serious?" The friend on Darren's right scoffs. "What a joke."

I watch in complete shock as Joel finally appears on stage and walks up to shake the Principal's hand and collect a certificate with his name on it.

My mouth suddenly goes dry. When the hell did he start competing? Since when did he even give a fuck about school?

I stare at Joel with pure disgust and confusion. He looks around as people applaud, but he seems just as bewildered. He's my friend. I should be proud of him, right? I gulp down a heavy knot in throat and shake my head. Why do I feel so wrong right now? Joel never cared. He doesn't deserve that award. Why would he apply behind my back? Why didn't he just tell me he was competing, too? Why the fuck would he hide this from me?

I stumble back in shock. Suddenly, everything begins to blur together again. I hold my head and squint my eyes. No, don't let time speed up again! I become eerily aware of my panicked breathing, so I hold my breath before letting it out slow. One. Two. Three... Time starts to slow down again, and everyone's motions become clear again.

The stage is now empty, and there are groups of people scattered throughout the auditorium in conversations. Some are on their way out to the hallway. Darren's seat is now empty.

I sprint down the middle of the auditorium. I don't even bother to evade the crowds. Every time I pass through them I feel time warp into a sort of slow motion. Once I'm in clear space, time goes back to normal.

I make it to the hallway and spot Joel shaking a poised older white man's hand. The man is sporting a fedora and suit, and he keeps his other hand inside his slacks pocket.

"Congratulations, son," he smirks. I don't recognize the man, and he doesn't appear to be related to Joel.

"Thank you for writing my letter, Sir," Joel beams as he shakes his hand firmly.

My heart skips a beat. Who is that man? He's definitely not a teacher, I've never seen him on campus...

My breath quickens and the scene speeds up. No. I can't miss anything! I close my eyes and slow my breath down again.

This time, Joel is standing in front of Holly Jones, who is flashing a lei full of Benjamins, I think, and a huge bouquet of flowers.

Joel kicks the ground awkwardly before speaking. "Holly... I uh, I just wanted to say thanks for connecting me with your old man to do volunteer work at the station."

Holly's face is expressionless, and her eyes are cold and distant. Somehow, her flat affect seems judgemental. She shrugs before saying, "You scratch my back, I scratch yours."

What? I can't help myself from grimacing in disgust. Good thing they can't see me. What does she mean by that?

I turn toward Joel and my heart starts to break. What deal did you make with her, behind my back?

Joel looks around nervously before pulling her aside from anyone's earshot. Holly's father, meanwhile, seems to be distracted laughing and conversing with other parents.

"Holly, you know I would never tell anyone.. about.. you know..."

What. The. Fuck. I feel the blood drain from my face. You'd never tell anyone about what, Joel?

Holly's eyes go wide and her bright fuschia lips open as she quickly glances around to make sure no one heard. Her eyes meet someone's across the room and she stops. I follow her gaze to Sloane, who rolls her eyes and shifts her gaze elsewhere before disappearing in the crowd.

"Do you want to say that any louder, Larson?" Holly snaps.

"No, I just meant that you didn't have to do this for me. I would have kept your secret regardless—"

"It's not enough to trust words. Words are always empty." Holly scoffs as if she's sharing some valuable high income wisdom. "Anyway, you got your money, Joel. Money that would've gone to your best friend." She looks him up and down before shaking her head in disdain. "For her sake, don't fuck this up."

Holly Jones' face instantly lights up into her classic preppy-girl smile when she sees some of her gal friends approach her. "Stacy! Tina! Oh my gawsh, we made it! Ah! You look so good, come give me a hug!"

Holly Jones skips away to gush over whatever girls like them gush about, leaving Joel standing alone awkwardly. He nods as if listening to music only he can hear before locking eyes with— Sloane.

She's also holding a bouquet of bright pink roses. It's surprisingly larger than Holly Jone's bouquet. Sloane is standing next to her dad, but she shows no intention of walking over to Joel, or even to congratulate him.

Joel sighs and nods again, as if to accept the fact that nobody really wants to associate with him. He turns around to walk down the hallway, away from anyone else. Where is he going?

I follow him around the corner and watch as the men's restroom door swings between open and closed. I stop. Am I allowed to go in? It's not like they can see me, but this still feels wrong...

I glance around in embarrassment before sighing and going in. I pinch my nose as the offensive odor of piss and something I don't even want to know— threatens to make me pass out, if that's even possible at this point. This is a highschool bathroom, how is it almost as repugnant as the nightclub restrooms?!

The restroom is empty and eerily quiet, apart from Joel and a slew of wet toilet paper pieces laying around. Joel rummages through his pants pockets before pulling out a miniature snack bag with white powder inside. He shakes it in front of his eye, inspecting it.

Oh Joel... My shoulders sink. Don't do it. Please.

Joel slams his palm onto his forehead and grips his hair.

Is this what he's been dealing with this whole time, alone? I was so selfish, I never noticed. I should've stayed, I should have realized. I could have helped.

"Joel, please don't do it," I beg. If there's ever a moment anyone can hear me, God, please let it be this one.

Joel kicks a stall door open and I watch as he slowly holds the plastic bag over the toilet. His skinny arm trembles as he squints his eyes shut and groans.

"Shit... fuck.. shit.. shit.. shit!" He still hasn't let go. Joel tilts his head back in desperation. There's veins popping out on the side of his forehead, sweat dripping from under his curls, and tears forming on his dark lashes. I've never seen him like this. Ever.

Joel shakes his head as he stares desperately at the bag while bouncing his leg up and down rapidly. "I don't deserve that award, Rain. It should've gone to you. It was supposed to be yours. Fuck. Fuck!"

"You do deserve it, just let it go, Joel. Please! Just drop the bag, please," I cry out.

Joel kicks the toilet flushed and finally drops the bag.. but not before catching it last second and shutting the stall door closed. "Agh Goddamnit—FUCK! I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, don't deserve it, I don't deserve it," he groans. I hear him sniff desperately before flushing the toilet again.