I am truly all alone now. I stare at my pathetic reflection in the bathroom mirror and wipe my tears away with my sleeve. My eyeliner is all smudged now, and mascara is running down my cheeks.

The candle next to me is slowly melting, along with my will to exist.

I just want to run away from here. I can't stop the intrusive voices from whispering in my head.

You see? No one loves you. You're a waste of oxygen. All you cause is trouble for everyone. Sloane and Joel are gone now— all because of you. If only you'd handled all these situations better, but you didn't. You were a selfish friend who thought she was above everyone else. Now look at you, all alone. You're a worthless good for nothing loser. You look like trash because that's exactly what you are— trash.

I hold my palm above the open flame, urging it with my mind to caress me with its menacing warmth. It burns, and somehow.. the pain is sweet.

What tragic beauty it would be to burn my paranoia one last time.

I laugh as tears fall down my eyes. It doesn't matter how much everything hurts. It wouldn't even matter if my body decayed and I was still alive, because nothing can compare to the unbearable hell inside my head.

Even Darren knows what you really are. He loves you so much, so of course he knows the truth. You're nothing but a fake. You'll never find anyone who loves you the way you want because you don't deserve it.

I choke on my own tears and grip the edges of the sink. How can this be? Am I truly all alone? Have I really lost everyone? My knees tremble as my vision blurs. I feel so weak. I don't want to live... but I don't want to die, either. God, please, there has to be something to hold on to. Let there be someone! I can't be alone, all can't be lost.

If I really am all alone, and if it's true that no one really loves me, then I hope that when I go to sleep I don't wake up. If I go to sleep now at this late hour of the night, as I should, I won't feel anything. Sleep is the perfect way to disappear.

I stumble out and trudge through the dark hallway. I pass by my mother, who is sleepily making her way to the bathroom.

"Damn power still isn't back," she mutters to herself in irritation.

Ashamed, I quickly pull my sleeves down and scrunch them in my fists. I forget that it's still dark. She passes by too quickly to notice anyway.

***

"RAIN!!!"

A shrill scream jolts me awake. Rain is still pouring outside my window. It was so peaceful before, who could've woken me up?

My mother slams the door open and gestures wildly to the hall. "Rain Wilson, why is there blood in the bathroom sink? What is the meaning of this?"

Oh no, I forgot to clean up... I didn't want to be reminded of that. Can't I just go back to sleep?

"Oh, sorry. I accidentally hurt myself admiring one of the roses Sloane gave me a long time ago. I'm sorry I scared you. I'll go clean it up right now."

My mother trembles in the doorway. "No... there was too much blood. You.. you did this on purpose, didn't you?"

"God! Mom, I'm fine. Seriously, stop." I shake my head. No, this is my secret to carry. Damn it, just let me suffer in peace at the very least!

"Rain," she mutters through gritted teeth. "Tell me the truth. Do you think I'm stupid?"

I can tell she's fighting back tears. She can probably tell I'm fighting back tears myself. Maybe... just maybe.. I'm not alone after all. Maybe this burden isn't mine to carry alone.

"Mom.. the truth is," I choke out as I struggle to gulp down the knot in my throat. "I haven't been feeling very well lately. School is so stressful lately, I'm losing all my friends... It's getting harder to focus and see the point of all of this."

"The point? The point is by that you need to keep going," she responds while glaring at me. "The answer is simple, you just have to keep studying. Let the world burn around you, but you have to keep pushing forward."

"Mom, it's not that easy—"

"My God," my mother sighs and shakes her head in disdain. "I can't believe you would hurt yourself for such a stupidly insignificant reason. Rain, you've disillusioned me. I thought you were better than this."

"You don't understand. It's too much pressure, I— I can't take it anymore!" I wail, gripping my hair.

"Too much pressure? Too much pressure? You have no idea what I had to live through to get here. I did it for you! So you wouldn't have to suffer what I did! You are living such a privileged life, don't you dare TELL ME you can't take it anymore."

"No Mom, you're not listening to me! I'm having panic attacks at school. I can barely even breath anymore, I feel like I'm losing my mind!"

"Panic attacks my ass!" she laughs in disbelief. "Stop with the bullshit, child. You are drowning in a fishbowl. How are you going to get through life with that mentality? It's time to get your fucking act together and get over it."

It's almost like she can't see me. No.. she absolutely can not see me at all. It's like talking to a wall lit on fire. I know I risk getting burnt, but I desperately want her to understand me. "No, no, you stop with the bullshit! Why can't you just fucking listen to me for once in my life—"

A high pitched slap pierces the room as her palm makes contact against my cheek. There it is. I got burnt. A burning sensation invades my entire cheek, making my ears ring. "Mom..."

"You insolent, spoiled brat! I am your MOTHER and you will NOT speak to me that way!"

I hold my cheek in pain and tremble as scalding tears roll down my face. "No.. no.. you are no mother. What kind of mother would say all of that?"

"That's it. You're grounded, you are never leaving this room except to go to school and work. You can cry about it all you want. Jesus, I never knew you of all people could be this soft. I expected better," she grumbles while staring me up and down. "I see now I expected too much from you. You disappoint me."

My mother leaves and slams my bedroom door shut behind her. There's so much darkness in the room. Everything feels so heavy and hopeless.

I drop to my knees and grip the carpet as I gasp for oxygen and suffocate in my own sobs.

You're a disappointment.

I can't stop the tears from falling. There's a giant knot in my throat. I sink deeper and grip my curls, holding back the urge to scream. I deserve this, I deserve this pain! I deserve all of it, every single thing that's happened to me.

Suddenly, I find myself surprised by the sharp sound of my own laughter. That's it, it's over. It's over. Everyone's abandoned me. I catch a glimpse of myself in my mirror as I slowly rise. Thats right, I was such a burden to deal with this entire time. I smile at the lost girl in the reflection. No one will worry if I'm gone. It's time to go.

I quickly wrap my cardigan around me and lace up my boots before escaping out the window. Cold raindrops splash on my skin as a bitter wind threatens to whisk me away. I don't know where I'm going. I sprint across the lawn, narrowly avoiding slipping, with no direction in mind.

The streets are empty. The lights are dim. Lightning flashes and lights up the night for a split second before it is followed by the clap of thunder. Rain pours harder until I can hardly see a thing.

I run and run until my lungs and calves ache. I never want to stop. My heart sinks. The illusion of freedom is suddenly replaced by the panic-stricken realization that I am being followed. I don't dare turn around. My heart beats faster and faster. I don't want to go yet. Please, not yet. My breath hitches in my throat as I turn a corner and hide behind a tree. I gasp for air and hug myself. Have I lost them? I muster up the last bit of courage to peek behind the tree.

A tall silhouette is standing a couple feet away. Something dangles in their hand. The figure holds it up and coils it along their arm before pointing at me.

You're going to die.

The silhouette lurches towards me without warning. I lose my footing and watch the ground rise towards me before feeling the back of my head impact the cement. Everything goes numb. Something cold and wet spills around my head, but I scramble up before the figure can catch up to me.

Where do I go? What do I do? An infinite trail of rain and darkness opens up before me and I follow it. I'm going to die. I'm going to die. I'm going to die. I am certain of it.

Dark voices whisper in my head. A cloud of stars and countless rain drops cloud my vision. Before me are rows and rows of houses. Columns of windows and doors of all shapes and sizes pass me by. Forgotten whispers echo in the night. I see mirages of friends from long ago approach me before fading into mist and droplets. Their voices are blurry, their intentions are foggy. I am everywhere yet nowhere.

"I can't help you," my mother glares at me while driving by.

I turn around. There's no one there. The sound of an engine is still present.

"Don't speak to me ever again," Sloane shouts at me from a balcony. "I trusted you."

A branch crashes onto the ground in front of me as I stare up at a grand lonely oak tree.

"How could you do this to me?"

Leaves scatter everywhere. I shield my eyes from the blinding flash of lightning.

"You're so fake."

"Go away, Rain," Joel mutters before turning away from me and disappearing into an endless hallway of classrooms.

The hallway tilts and sends me sliding in the opposite direction down checkerboard floors as I reach out desperately.

Rows of blue lockers morph into dark leather seats. The harsh and hypnotic sound of rain becomes muffled.

"Don't cry," Darren kisses my forehead. "Why can't you just be satisfied with what you have?"

Lightning strikes as another branch breaks. I sit up in a field of wet grass and look around to find no one there.

"You ruined everything for me, can't you see that!" Sloane's shrill voice echoes in my ears.

"You're a horrible daughter." The wind carries what sounds like my mother's voice away.

"I just wanted what was best for you!" Darren cries somewhere in the distance.

"You're so goddamn selfish," Joel whispers in my ear.

I strain to turn my head towards his voice but the muscles in my neck are stuck in place. There's darkness all around me. I grasp at my throat, violently attempting to unhinge the hands around my neck.

"Let go... let.. go of— Me!" I gasp and kick as hard as I can. There's nothing in front of me. A sea of sadistic stars stare down at me absent of sympathy. I tilt my head back. My lungs are on fire. I'm going to die. I'm going to die. I'm certain of it. But I won't go down without a fight. Tears drip down my cheeks. Wait, I wasn't done living, I wasn't done!

"Shhh... please be quiet. It'll all be over soon."

"N— no— NO! No, plea... no..!" I gasp and beg desperately for oxygen. Everything feels heavy yet my head is getting lighter. I feel the blood drain from my face. I heave violently. The stars grow dimmer. The sound of rain becomes fainter and echoes into a void of silence. The circle of light slowly becomes smaller.. and smaller... before everything goes black.

***

A warm sensation creeps over my cheeks. I open my eyes and shield myself reflexively as blinding light bathes my entire body.

Where am I? Is this Heaven?

A songbird chirps in the distance. I rub my eyes and sit up. The warmth from the sun contrasts the cold blades of grass underneath me. I stand up and groan, checking my cardigan and clothes for mud stains. Miraculously, there's none. I really must be in Heaven.

All I see are trees and grass until I walk up the steps of a solitary gazebo. My hands glide mindlessly over the concrete railing. Suddenly, I'm stopped in my tracks. I inhale sharply upon seeing the rows of tombstones lining the field below this hill.

"No, no, I can't be dead," I murmur in pure disbelief. I pace around the gazebo. Think, think! If I was dead, I would be in Heaven, or Hell even, but not here. This isn't like anything I heard in Church. Why didn't I go through those fancy gates, or up some holy stairs?

I stopped. If there is no Heaven... then it would be pitch dark. I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't be conscious. I grip my head and take a deep breath in. Man, I've really done it this time.

All I remember is running in the rain, slipping, and hitting my head on the sidewalk. I don't even know if I was being chased or just delusional. I thought I heard everyone's voices, but I must have been going crazy. I wipe my palm across my forehead. There's a scar on the side, but it doesn't sting. I check my hand for blood, but there's none. It must have dried up.

Regardless, I'm going to be in loads of trouble today. Shit, I'm probably already late for school! I run down the hill, past rows of gravestones. I make it to the gate and hastily jump over the fence. I sprint down the street. My heart is pounding but I don't stop until I'm up the steps of the high school.

People are still walking around and chatting idly. They don't seem to be in a rush. It isn't until I look up at the clock that I realize that not only am I early, but I also ran here without a backpack. I cup my face and groan. This is mortifying, I didn't even change clothes, and I don't have any of my books with me. It's too late to go home, I guess I'll just have to borrow a notebook and pen today.

A chill creeps up my spine and I shiver. I clasp my hands together for warmth, but my fingers are chill as ice. That's what happens when you fall asleep in a graveyard, I suppose.

I stand against a wall in embarrassment. I probably look like a psycho going to school without a backpack. I steal a glance around the hall only to realize no one is looking at me. No one cares.

This whole time... no one has cared. I feel like I'm reaching an epiphany. All those times I thought people were judging my every move, it turns out they were focused on themselves. Everyone is stuck in their own little word. This whole time, I'd been trapped in a hell my own mind had created.

My shoulders drop in relief, and I gather the courage to walk down the hall and search for Darren. Surely he'd lend me a notebook and pencil.

I turn the corner and spot Joel shuffling something into his locker. He slams it closed before glancing suspiciously around him. Something seems wrong, and I'm suddenly hit with the urge to reach out to him and help him. Just as I am about to walk over, he disappears into the crowd and is nowhere to be found.

I sigh and continue onward. I gasp when I find myself face to face with Sloane.

"Sloane..." I barely have the chance to utter before she passes around me. Did she see me? She had such an angry look on her face.

"Sloane, please," I whirl around and try to grasp the sleeve of her leather jacket, but miss. "Please, let's just talk," I beg. Desperation strains my voice, and a sudden need for acknowledgement comes over me. This loneliness is suffocating me.

Does she have to be that petty?

"Sloane!" I raise my voice, forgetting that people might stare. I chase her down the hall and try to stand in front of her again but she walks past me, acting as if I'm not even there. "Seriously? You have to stop ignoring me at some point. This is childish!" I don't even care if people stare, I don't even care anymore. I just want my friends back. "Sloane!"

She doesn't even flinch. I angrily stare at her back as she stomps down the hall, disappearing into the crowd of people.

Fuck! Where's Darren? I need him.

Remember what he said to you? He looks down at you, remember? You're just a silly girl with unachievable dreams to him. You really want to run back to him?

I run a trembling hand through my hair and bite my sleeve. At this point, he's the only one who won't ignore me. I rush up the stairs with determination, past busy students, to where his locker is. Before I can reach the corner, I run into someone and books and papers go flying everywhere.

"Shit!" Joel mutters and bends down to pick everything up. From the corner of my eye, I see Holly side eye him and close her locker before casually walking away. Nobody helps him, they just part around him and continue on their way.

"Fuck, I'm so sorry," I say before kneeling to help pick up a paper. My nails scratch at nothing, I can't even manage to pick the stupid piece of paper before he snatches it. "You know you could at least say thank you," I sneer.

He doesn't respond. I roll my eyes. "Is this how it's going to be with both of you? You're just going to outcast me and pretend I'm not even here?"

Joel gets up with his pile of books and starts walking past me. Ok, I've had enough.

I whirl around and follow him. "OH WOW, REAL MATURE! So what, I'm basically dead to both of you? Is that it? Huh? Is that it? Say something when I'm talking to you!"

I'm so pissed, I don't even care if I'm making a scene. If anything, I hope I am so that he can finally turn around and acknowledge me. But he doesn't. No one does. No one even looks at me.

"SAY SOMETHING! SAY ANYTHING!" I scream at Joel's back. Everyone carries on. A shiver runs down my back, and I realize something is terribly wrong. "AM I INVISIBLE? WHAT IS WRONG WITH EVERYBODY!"

They keep walking past like I'm literally not just screaming my head off in the middle of the hallway. This is wrong, this is so wrong. It has to be a nightmare. Why doesn't anyone care? Why won't anybody look at me?

An intensely awful feeling washes over me and I fall to my knees, exhausted. No one reacts. I'm completely alone, in such a disturbing way I never thought was possible.