"Focus, Redek. You can't lose control."

I grind my teeth together, hand shaking, my eyebrows knitted together in concentration. The flame in front of me roars, going higher and higher, burning hotter. "I'm trying." My voice is strained, sweat dripping down my temple. "I can't."

The blaze shoots up, forming a column of flame. Ragged breaths make their way to my lungs as I scramble back from the fire, scared of it even though it can't burn me. Gethin sighs and throws some quicksnuff on it, quenching the flames almost immediately.

I try to slow my breathing, my heart pounding mercilessly against my ribs. "I'm sorry." 

"You need to focus. Your ability is only dangerous if you can't control it. If you can't control it, you are going to hurt someone." Gethin walks over to me, his footprints left behind in the ash.

"Isn't that what you're training me for? Hurting people? Isn't that why you want a Pyrokinetic?" I don't want to be dangerous. I want to be normal. I want a normal ability that wouldn't mark me as Talentless. 

That doesn't matter anymore, I remind myself. I left the Lost Cities. I removed myself from their social standards. I went to a place where my ability isn't banned and leaves me scorned by everyone.

But if I was normal, maybe things would be different. Maybe Dad would still love me. 

I shake my head. I'm not going down that rabbit hole. Not right now.

Gethin's looking at me, a curious expression on his face. "I'm training so that you aren't a liability. You don't need to use your ability to hurt people, we wouldn't make you do that. Your sanity needs to be intact for you to be of any use to us. I can't have you hurting people that shouldn't be getting hurt, like the other members of the Neverseen."

My confusion must be evident because he sighs. "My main priority is to make sure you trust yourself enough to use your ability. I haven't failed to notice that you only make small flames, if any."

I open my mouth to argue but he cuts me off. "Using your ability for our cause comes much later. And even then, you need to be willing to use it against other people. If you aren't, then the guilt will get to you." He clears his throat, glancing at the clock. "It's time for lunch. Tomorrow, I expect you to do better."

I nod, watching as he leaves. A sigh escapes me as I walk towards the ash pile in the middle of the room. The ash is soft on my fingers, the black powder's fragrance filling the air. I close my eyes, taking a deep breath. The ash smells of so many things and nothing all at once. Smoke, fire, heat. I hate it so much, but it's so . . . comforting.

Flames. 

I shake my head, trying to ward off the flashbacks that threaten to come. 

Smoke.

Don't think about that.

Ash.

Not right now.

Screams.

No. Stop. No. Stop, please. STOP! I beg myself to stop thinking of that horrid day, but the fragments of that day keep rushing to the front of my mind. Squeeze my eyes shut, try to stop the onslaught of images. It doesn't help, it only pulls me deeper until I'm fully submerged in the memory.

***

The flames in front of me burn bright, hot, threatening to sear my skin. Sweat drips down my skin, my eyes squint against the light. My whole body shakes with the effort of keeping my concentration.

"Come on, Marella. Control yourself." It's a normal day, a normal private practice in the small extra room my dad built for me. The walls are rigged with buckets of quicksnuff set to fall on the flames if they get too close.

"Mare?" A voice calls from outside the hideout. Mom. 

"Don't call me that!" I hate that nickname. My name's Marella, not Mare, not Ella. Marella. My focus wavers and a burst of flame shoots my direction. I duck right before it hits me, the heat practically melting my skin.

"I brought you food." The door creaks open and my eyes widen. 

"STOP!" I turn to block the door, but she's already inside. Panic runs through my veins. It's not safe in here. I'm not safe right now. "Mom, get out!"

"I want you taste these indigoobers. I tried a new recipe." She takes a step forward.

"I'll try them later. You need to get out!" Frantic. Panicked. On the verge of a distaster. Focus, Marella, I remind myself. Mom's in here right now. I can't lose focus.

Mom's face turns sour. "That's no way to speak to your mother. Come here."

She takes another step. And another. My head is swiveling between her approaching me and the ring of flames dancing just a few feet away. "Mom, I'm begging you. Please leave."

"I knew you didn't like spending time with me." Mom's voice drips with accusation, her face painted with hurt. A stake through my heart, seeing her like this. It must be a good day for her to be mentally stable enough to think in a straight line and I just ruined it. Stupid Marella.

"Mom . . ." I take a step toward her, forgetting completely about the flames to my back.

"Forget it. I knew it was a mistake trying to talk with you. I knew you were a mistake." Mom's hurt is replaced with . . . hate? That's not right. Even on her worst days, she loves me. Right?

My mom doesn't love me. My mom thinks I'm a mistake. My breathing grows ragged, my heart beating faster and faster. Mom continues to say things that are like a poisoned. knife to the back.

" . . . shouldn't have had you . . "

" . . . wish I had a different daughter . . ."

I stumble, my hand fumbling for the wall. The world's spinning, the air isn't going into my lungs. Why isn't the air going into my lungs? Why is Mom blurry?

Something in the back of my head snaps and all I hear is roaring. Flashes of light. Heat, scorching heat. My vision isn't clear anymore, barely anything visible through my tears. I wipe them away, trying to figure out what's happening.

Mom's face, eyes wide, panic evident. Flames shooting around the fireproof building. 

"Mom!" I try to command the flames away. They aren't listening. "Get away from her! Leave her alone!" Nothing. Mom tries to dodge out of the way, struggling with the door, one hand with a plate. I might dodge the flames all the time, but they can never hurt me. That's not the same for my mom. The fireballs shoot around, ricocheting off the walls. How are they doing that?

"Stop!" I beg. "Listen to me! Please!" My voice breaks, desperation a thick coating on every single word that barely makes it way from my throat.

The flames don't listen. I'm not helping. I can't do anything. I'm useless. Useless. Watching as my mom gets pelted with flames. The fire licks at her skin and clothes and hair. Her screams pierce the air, barely audible through the roar of the flames. The things in the room start to burn. Smoke fills the air, the dark gas filling the room. I can barely breathe, Mom crumples into a heap, clawing at the door. The smoke fights it way into me. Ash floats in the air. Papers and books and tables burning. I slide down the wall, trying to crawl to my mom. My eyes shut themselves, not allowing me to see the scene in front of me. Somehow, only being able to hear my mother's screams and whimpers is worse. 

"Caprise!" A voice yells. Dad. He can help me. He'll figure something out. "Marella! Stop this!"

I take a deep breath, ignoring the smoke that fills my lungs, suppressing the coughing fit that threatens to erupt. Another breath. Breathe. My breathing slows, my heart no longer abusing my chest. I can do this. "Stop." Nothing. Panic starts to set in again. "Stop!" I say again, more urgently.

"Marella! Get the flames away from your mother!" Dad yells through the walls. He's pounding against the door. It's stuck.

"I'm trying!" I don't know what to do. It's not working. Through the chaos of my thoughts, i hear Fintan's voice telling me to harness all my emotions. I gather up all the panic and fear and worry and channel every single drop of it into my words.

"COME TO ME!" 

The flames shoot away from Mom, who lays whimpering by the door, clutching the handle. The fire hurtles toward me. I don't duck like usual; I stand my ground, ready to take all of it into me. I hear a crash---Dad breaking down the door---but I don't look. I'm focused, concentrating on pulling the entirety of the blaze to me.

"Come on."

I can hear Dad telling Mom a hundred reassurances. I want to go over there and hug her. I want to say sorry. But I need to deal with this first. 

Something shoots down through the ceiling. More flames. I thought I'd gotten it under control. These flames feel hotter, a heat I've never felt before. One hand shoots out towards them, pulling them towards me. It inches forward, chaotic but controlled.

I can hear Dad yelling, but he sounds so distant. Why is he screaming? I have this under control.

The flames are close enough to touch, so I do, fully extending my arm to the heat. Pain. My hand retracts back in a flash. I stare at my fingers, at the red skin, at the blisters. I've been burned. But how? Pyrokinetics can't be burned by fire. Not unless . . . 

My gaze turns fully to the new flames and my blood turns to ice. It's neon yellow. 

It's everblaze.

I've summoned everblaze.

Oh no. Oh no. Oh no no no no no no no no.

With the back of my mind, I put out the regular flames that had taken to dancing on my body, turning my focus solely on the everblaze.

How did I do this? I didn't want this. I wanted to stop the flames, to stop this disaster, not make it worse.

Dad's screaming at me. I can't tell what he's saying. Mom's crying, muttering to herself, descending into madness once again.

Me? I'm panicking. The only way to get rid of everblaze is with frissyn. I can't touch it. I can't call someone for help. I can't do anything.

Come on, Marella. Concentrate. Do something. 

"Go away," I tell the flames. "Get away from my family. Leave us."

I don't know what I expect to happen, but a wave of panic goes through me when nothing does.

"Please!" I beg. My arms are out, not sure what for. To try and hold them back? "Don't hurt us! GO AWAY!"

The flames freeze in place, as if surprised by my talking to them. They contort, twisting and twirling, but they stop advancing forward. My body's shaking furiously, on the verge of collapse. Please. Slowly, the everblaze seems to shrink in on itself until it's gone, leaving ash and ruin behind.

I collapse, shaking uncontrollably. I did that. I got rid of the everblaze. My lungs are able to breathe again, my heart no longer racing. I get up slowly, stumbling over the burnt remains of my little hideout to get to my parents.

I see them and relief floods through me. Hurrying towards them, ready for a hug, for comfort, I don't register their faces until my open arms are met with nothing. I look up at them, confused, only to see Dad holding Mom protectively behind him.

"How could you do that?" He says, disgust dripping from his words.

I blink. "What?"

"Why would you ever put your mother in danger like that?" Mom's a cowering mess behind him. Sobbing, whimpering, shaking. Covered in burns, her clothes blackened.

"I'm sorry. It was an accident. She wasn't supposed to be here." I try to explain, taking a step forward. He takes one back. I freeze. He's afraid of me. "I didn't know I could summon everblaze. I didn't know that would happen. I wasn't trying to hurt anyone. I'm sorry."

"You could have killed your mother. How could you be so careless? Even before the everblaze, she could have died. Don't you know how to control yourself?" Dad's yelling at me. He never yells at me. He never raises his voice at me. He talks with me, tries to understand. He doesn't accuse me. He doesn't yell at me.

My chest hurts, my breaths short and shallow, my heartbeat picking up again. "I'm sorry. I didn't know that would happen." 

Tears sting my eyes and they pour down my cheeks. My hand is shaking by my side and I dig my fingers into my leg, trying to stop it. 

"You are so stupid! How are you this useless? You could barely even stop the flames! You could have killed you mother!" he says again.

"What about me?! I could have died too!"

"You don't matter!"

The words hit me harder than anything anyone has ever said to me. They burn more than everblaze. They sting in a way words never stung before. They hurt me in a way I didn't know was possible. 

Breathing is impossible. Tears blur my vision. The world swims in and out. My body's giving up, shutting down. I'm on the floor, Dad's yelling at me. I'm a ball, trying to make myself small.

"---you're a monster!"

"----never should've protected you----"

"---worthless----"

I can't see. I can't breathe. I can't think. I can only hear the words, I can only feel the hurt of each of them as they punch my stomach, my back, my head.

I try to breathe. I try to see. I try to think. I try to do anything but hear. But I can't. He keeps yelling and yelling.

A breath makes it's way into my lungs. It smells like fire, but not just that. Ash and smoke and heat. It smells so horrible, so full of destruction and pain and misery and comfort. It's so familiar, it's so comforting. It smells like home. Like where I belong.

"See? You're enjoying this. Enjoying seeing the pain you've caused." He says something to Mom and I can hear their footsteps leave. 

It's just me, curled into a ball, sobbing, broken emotionally by the two people who were supposed to love me most. 

Worthless. Useless. Monster. Dangerous. 

I just lie there. I don't move. Night comes and I spend those dark hours crying silently, convinced that being loud will just make me more of a disappointment to my parents. 

***

Tears stream down my face. My back's against the wall, my knees curled into my chest. Sobs rack my body. I can't stop shaking. Why am I always shaking? Pathetic. Worthless. Useless. Mon---

"Marella?" The door creaks open. "Oh my gosh, Marella. Are you okay?"

Someone sits down next to me. Arms wrap around me and my head is pulled into their chest. 

"Inva? What's wro---" Someone else comes in, freezes, before rushing to my side. They stroke my hair, rubbing circles into my back. "Hey, you're okay. You're okay. Take deep breaths."

"I-I-I c-can't br-breathe." I'm gasping for breath, pulling away from the first person, resting my head against the metal wall.

"Yes you can," says the second person. "Inhale." They inhale. I try to do the same thing, barely getting any air in. "Now exhale." They exhale. I don't really have anything to exhale but I do anyway. "Look at me." I don't. Gentle fingers guide my chin up, forcing my eyes to meet the striking ice blue ones before me. "Inhale." I do. "Exhale." I do. "Inhale. Now exhale."

I repeat that countless times until I can breathe without the girl---Krystal---instructing me to. While I take my breaths, Krystal doesn't break eye contact with me, grounding me to this moment. Inva rubs my back, whispering reassurances to me. I nod along to her words, her voice soothing my heart to a normal pace.

Finally, finally, I try to stand. Krystal and Inva immediately help me up, putting my arms around their shoulders and helping me back to my room. They place me on my bed and sit next to me.

"Do you want to talk about what happened?" Inva asks. 

"Ummm I had a flashback to this ummm really really bad thing that happened a few months ago. And ummm it made me have a panic attack," I explain.

"Can we ask what happened in the flashback?" Krystal says cautiously, not wanting to push. 

"I ummm I summoned everblaze and nearly killed my mother and my father basically told me what a horrible person I am and how I don't matter." The words come out in a rush.

"Oh Marella." Inva wraps me in a hug and Krystal joins in. I take a deep breath, reveling in their embrace.

"Thank you," I tell them. "Seriously."

"It's nothing. That's what friends are for." Inva squeezes me tighter. "We're always going to be here for you. We love you, Mare. Don't forget that."

Hearing her call me Mare doesn't bring up the usual annoyance, but it makes me feel safe and loved in a way I haven't felt in a long time. "I love you too."

~~~

word count: 2844

hey guys! hope you enjoyed! this chapter took FOREVER. literally took like three hours but it turned out good. i'll have a light-hearted chapter in a little bit. i've had a lot of more depressing stuff lately. 

thanks for reading! hope you enjoyed! bye loves!