Zianna's POV

Irene, I hate myself.

What have I done?

My husband is in the operating room. The doctors are trying to fix what is left of his shredded insides.

And I caused it.

I sit in the tiny, tiny waiting room with my hands clasped together. I breathe heavily and hot tears drop onto my wrist. It hurts to breathe, it hurts to think. It hurts to do much of anything at this point. If he's dies, everything is ruined.

And it would be all because of me.

I hate the hospital. I hate everything about it. There are absolutely no fond memories of this place, other than the birth of our boys. But the thing is, the only thing I can think about even related to the boys is that they won't have a father. Zane may be a mom's boy, but he certainly loves his dad.

And Garroth, he can't even sleep at night he's so scared something bad is going to happen. He won't be able to take the fact that his father would be dead.

My nails are digging into the back of my hands and my knuckles are white. I'm so nervous for his life. I've bitten my lip so hard it's bled in the past few hours.

I hear footsteps quietly walk down the hallway. I look up, my eyes probably red and puffy from crying uncontrollably for the past three or four hours.

I see Leo walking down the hall, slightly sad but mostly he's quick. I stand up immediately, wiping the falling tears down my face. My hands are still clasped together tightly.

"M'lady, Garte-"

"Is he okay?" I interrupt him immediately, but I don't think he's particularly offended.

"He's... out of surgery." Leo responds. I don't think he wants to make promises he knows he can't keep.

I immediately start walking in the direction he's in. I don't mean to, its kind an instinct movement. But Leo puts his hands gently on my shoulders, holding me back. I fight it though, attempting to push through his hands.

"Zianna, you can't go in." Leo tells me.

I feel burning anger run through my blood. He may be head guard, but he has no authority over me!

"Leo, let me see him! For Irene's sake, he's my husband!" I exclaim loudly, probably loud enough to be yelling.

"Zianna, please." He remains calm. "He's not awake yet, give him some time."

"No! Leo, he's gonna wake up with no one there! He gets anxiety!" I exclaim.

I probably sound like a mother right now, but it's true. Even though he is a Lord and he's around people all the time, he gets bad social anxiety. Especially if he's in a place that he doesn't know. I talked to his mother before he died, she said he's always been like that.

"I know, I know. Believe me, I've seen it. But judging by..." He trails off. He doesn't want to be offensive.

"What?" I ask harshly. I probably would be very intimidated if someone spoke to me the way I'm speaking to Leo.

"I hate to say this... and I don't know the situation but, judging by what he said I don't think you're the number one person he wants to see right now."

He tried to sugarcoat it, but I know what he's saying. I look down, letting that sink in for a moment. He's one hundred percent right, Garte probably wants nothing to do with me right now.

But do you ever get that instinct? That you just know something needs to be done? I feel that itching instinct so hard my heart starts pounding. I push Leo out of the way, not violently but hard enough so he gets the hint that I need to go back there and see him.

I rush past doctors and nurses. Most of them just don't notice or maybe glance, but I can feel some of their eyes scanning me up and down. I wish I knew whether they were judging or whether they are thinking sympathetically. I don't really care, honestly. What happened between us is not the business of O'Khasis.

I turn to a random surgeon, walking the opposite direction as me. I gently touch his arm to get his attention and ask him where Garte's room is. He turns to me, smiling gently but there's a hint of worry swimming through his dark eyes.

"Where is Lord Ro'Meave at?" I ask him.

"Walk all the way down the hall, take a left, and he's the last room to your left." He tells me, giving specific instructions.

"Thank you." I nod at him.

"Of course, m'lady." I hear him say as I walk away.

My lungs burn, not because I'm running but because I'm breathing heavy. My hands are still shaking, and my legs are, too, but walking quickly helps.

I follow the exact directions that the surgeon gave me. I'm glad he didn't give me a number, that would take about 8x longer. Then, I turn the left to Garte's door.

Then, I break down.

It's a rare occasion that I would break down, I almost never do in public. But right now, it feels like I'm drowning. Drowning in a pool of regret, sadness, all the emotions no one ever wants to feel. They always make it seem like you scream while drowning but it's like actual drowning: I'm silent and can't make a noise.

My hand shakes as I reach for the handle. I pull it down and I immediately see Garte in a way I never thought I'd see him. He's got so many tubes hooked up to him and way too many wires on him. I hear the click of the door shutting as I stand back, tears welling in my eyes and feeling sick to my stomach.

I somehow build up the courage to slowly walk over to him. I gently grab his hand, his fingertips seem to be a light blue from all the oxygen he's lost. Other than the very tips of his fingers, the rest of his hands seem to be warm.

It seems almost directly out of a movie or some sort of story, but his eyes open maybe 5 minutes after I initially grab his hand. The part that is anything but a movie is that he doesn't look at me in my eye. He grunts in pain, immediately grabbing his chest where he stabbed himself. I gently push his hand away, taking a small grip on where he completely sliced up his wrist.

"Hey, hey, hey, you're fine. You're okay." I tell him gently.

I can see it in his facial expression that he wants to scream. Probably both from mental and physical pain, but I know I need to be here for him as best as I can. I place my hand on his shoulder, looking at him while he almost cries from pain.

It takes about thirty to forty-five minutes for him to calm down. He doesn't calm down by himself, a nurse came in and increased his dosage of pain medicine, but I've been by his side the whole time. He doesn't seem to mind, but he hasn't really said anything.

I stand next to him, my hand right above his head, my fingers slightly playing with his hair. My other hand is upon his shoulder. His head is turned away from me, looking outside the window. I think he likes it. He's always standing on the ledge of the manor, looking at all the busy people, probably wishing he could have a simple life like them.

"Hey, look at me?" I ask him. He slowly and painfully turns his head towards me.

"I'm sorry, okay? I'm so, so sorry." I begin to break down, tears flowing down my cheeks and my voice shaking. "I hate myself for what I did, please, I'm so sorry!"

Even though my vision is blurred, I can see Garte furrow his eyebrows. He slowly pulls his mask, giving him oxygen off as my tears fall on his arm. The mask hangs around his neck and he reaches his hand up, gently placing it on my cheek. My hand goes on top of his.

Then, I offer a suggestion I never, ever thought I would offer.

"I can get an abortion, please just... don't hurt our boys." I mumble silently, not really thinking about what I'm saying.

"No, no, no." Garte says, speaking to me gently for what seems like the first time in weeks.

"Please don't get an abortion. This baby didn't ask for any of this. I promise you, this baby will be my child just as much as Garroth and Zane are. This baby is a part of you, you love the baby and I will eventually love them, too." He mumbles his words but in a way that they're clear enough to hear.

I'm so happy he said that. I never, ever wanted to get an abortion but the fact that he's saying not to is amazing. I begin to cry harder, not of sadness but out of joy and relief.

"I love you so much." I tell him.

He wipes my tears away with his thumb.

"I love you, too."

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Well you guys, I think that's a wrap for this book.

Thank you guys so much for reading. This was such an interesting book to write and I loved every minute of it.

As always, thanks for reading! Bye!
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