Garte's POV

You know I have to say that having a pocket knife in your pocket at all times when you're in the mental state I am is probably not the best idea.

Now I don't pretend to know the mental state I'm in. People continuously tell me that it's not good. Well, not in those direct words, but I can tell what they're thinking. They ask if I'm eating, if I'm sleeping.

The truth is, no. No, I'm not eating, nor am I sleeping. I can't.

I guess you could say I don't like the thought of sleeping. Part of it is that I don't want to sleep next to Zianna. If I sleep in another room, it looks bad, and I'm not going to do that to her. And I'm not going to deny her sleeping in a bed. So I pretend to be too busy.

Wow, I really do love her, don't I?

I shake off the thought, feeling the details of the pocket knife with my thumb. Not the blade, the grip. Although I do at time to time comprehend slicing my entire arm up with the blade, I don't do it. Especially during the day. What if my boys walk in and see that?

I fold the blade in, setting it down. I pick up the pen and try my best to write. My hand begins to shake violently, enough so that I can't really hold the pen. I drop the pen and grip my right wrist tightly with my left hand. I then notice my left hand is shaking, too. Maybe I should eat something.

Nah.

I grab a glass of water that's right next to me. Even though it shakes, I take small sips at a time. Eventually, my hands stop shaking and I set the glass down. I feel ready to throw up, but how could I with no source of food in me?

I then pick up the pen once again. Then, I begin to write. Treaties, letters, business statements, you know. I hate writing so much. That's why I never wanted this job. This was what Tobin needed to fulfill. But there was too much hate, to much fear in his life and he decided to take it.

And I will regret never asking him the question, 'Are you okay?'.

I decide I can't take being alone in this room, drowning myself in thoughts anymore. I get up, walking out of the door that I slowly open. I don't bother closing it, just walking into the hallway.

I then walk up to Garroth's door. I smile to myself, thinking about what great kids Garroth and Zane are. They are so smart, so funny and so kind. Well, Zane isn't as warm-hearted as Garroth is, but I still love him with everything I have, just as I love Garroth.

I gently knock with the knuckles on my fingers on Garroth's pure white door. I then turn the knob and open the door gently and slowly. It's getting late, so I hope he's not asleep yet.

I see him sit up under the blanket and rub his eye as I close the door. I smile at him, turning on a lamp but keeping the light low. He looks at me with a confused expression on his face.

"Daddy?" He says, his childlike voice filling the room quietly.

"Hey, buddy." I say, sitting down on his light blue bedspread next to him. "I thought you'd be sleeping by now." I tell him, though I was secretly hoping he wasn't asleep.

"I can't sleep." He admits.

"Why not?"

"Because," he adjusts his position, "I'm scared you're gonna leave again."

My heart fills with love but also breaks. Did I really do that to him, did I really make him so scared that he can't sleep at night?

"Come here, buddy." I say, inviting him to sit on my lap.

He climbs out from under the covers and climbs on to my right leg. I hold him gently, enjoying every moment I have with him, even the little things.

"I'm not going anywhere tonight, Garroth, okay?" I promise him.

Garroth nods gently, looking at me right in the eye. I can see the same details I have in my eyes, I can see so much of me in him. But he will not turn out to be the person I've become.

Tyrant.

Evil.

Unloved.

No, Zianna will make sure he is good. Zianna will make sure he makes the best choices he can make. Zianna will make sure he is loved, if not by a wife then by her because I know just how much she loves her boys.

"Hey, daddy, did you know that Menphia, the Divine warrior, went to Tu'la?" Garroth says randomly.

I look at him, a little taken back. He's only at kindergarten age, I'm surprised he knows that. I didn't know this information until I was about thirteen. I smirk slightly, proud of him.

"I did know that. How did you know that?" I ask him, chuckling slightly.

"I learned it today." He says, with this bright smile on his face.

"You did?" I ask, smiling at him and probably pretending it's the most impressive thing I've ever heard.

"Yeah!" Garroth exclaims, maybe a little too loud for how late it is.

"Well aren't you smart? Aren't you just the smartest boy in the world?" I ask him.

Garroth smiles, shrugging his little shoulders. "I don't know..."

I smile at him, squeezing his arm gently. He looks back up at me and I can see just how intelligent his eyes are.

"Yes, you are!" I tell him. "Now, you smart boy, get some sleep. You need to put more information into that big brain of yours."

I lie him back down in his bed, covering him up tightly, but not too tight. I kiss him gently on the forehead. Then, before I stand up completely, I look him right in the eye, making sure he knows I'm serious about what I'm going to say.

"I love you, you know that? I love you and your brother more than anything in this world. Don't you forget that." I tell him.

"I love you, too, daddy." He says with a smile on his face.

I kiss his forehead once again and stand up. I slowly walk out, closing the door gently. But I don't walk away. I press my forehead against the door and my hand is gently and lazily laying on the knob. I close my eyes and take the shakiest breath I've ever taken, ready to cry.

I can't believe that's the last time I'll ever tell him I love him.

••••••••
Hey girl heeeeyyyy

How ya doing?

Good?

Good!

Thanks for reading! Bye!
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