How to get over the feeling that makes me wanna run away from the world?

I'm running for too long. Hiding for too long. That scared the shit out of me. What if I make mistakes again? I talk like I'm afraid of them. But I do. I lost all the confident that I ever had.

I miss her so much. Please come back. I can't bear the idea seeing the dark eyes in mirror again. I miss her sparkling eyes. I miss the smile that can outshine the sun. I miss her so much. Please comeback. I have been waiting for too long I don't know what to do now.

I did try everything they said but she never comeback. Everytime I think "alright, I'm alright and genius happy", she didn't comeback. People rejected me. The world I too shine for the darkness inside me even how hard I tried to hide it. I did my best. I did always stay calm and smiled all the time. But everyone know it sooner or later. I hate myself. So much.

I was lucky. My parents did their best. My friends willing to wait for me. What did I do in the past life to desever this? What could I do to comeback to them?