Ryan never realized how strong some emotions could be. He knows how anger feels- it's hot, prickly, and restless. It's supposed to be blinding and all-consuming, an emotion that's meant to swallow him alive and engulf him in fury.

The problem is, though, this anger doesn't feel like any other kind of anger he's heard of or read about in stories. There's no fury, no rage, not even the burning urge to swing and hit something like they do in the movies.

No, this anger is nothing like what it's supposed to be, Ryan realizes. This anger leaves him nauseous- sick to his stomach and wanting to expel his breakfast all over the floor in front of him.

He doesn't, though. Spontaneously vomiting is kinda rude (and pretty fucking gross). Instead of throwing up, he smiles brightly and sweetly, trying to seem as happy as he can as he walks into the noisy math classroom.

Bryce beams at him from his usual seat. The sight of Bryce being so happy makes Ryan's stomach churn uncomfortably. He grinds his teeth together and forces himself to push forwards.

( Luke's words echo in his head. "Maybe we should solve our own problems first," he had said, then proceeded to tease Ryan over his blatant stupidity. He doesn't quite agree with Luke's decision, but he goes along with it anyways.)

"Hi, Ryan!" Bryce grins cheerfully, an unfinished worksheet in front of him. He even turns around in his desk as Ryan takes the seat behind him, tapping his pen on the desk rhythmically.

Ryan smiles the best he can, Bryce's naturally bright disposition ebbing away at Ryan's inner tension. "Hey, Brycey. You get any of this done?"

Bryce nods eagerly. "Yeah! I didn't do the back part of it, though. It's hard."

Ryan glances at the sheet and frowns. "Bryce, that's just the same as the front."

"I know, but I never learned trigonometry," Bryce says, as if it's the most normal thing in existence.

This concerns Ryan. "But... you have to take trig in order to get to calculus, Bryce. We're in calculus and you skipped an entire class...?"

Bryce shrugs. "They never said anything about it."

This kid is something else, Ryan decides. Only he would be able to charm the school into letting him do something like that...

"So, did you hear?" Bryce leans forwards, as if what he's about to say is a secret to the world. "There's this cute cat cafe opening up downtown!"

He sighs. Of course Bryce gets hyped about a cat cafe. "Are you gonna go?"

"Uh, yeah! I sure as heck am!" Bryce seems proud. "I figured I could ask Jonny to take me- as a date, you know? Valentine's day is in, like, just over two weeks, so maybe if I drop hints..."

Bryce's voice fades out quickly, due to the sudden wave of nausea that comes over him at the mention of Valentine's day. You know, the day of love and romance and being with your partner who's usually (should be) faithful and loyal and all that other shit.

What is Ryan gonna do? He wants to tell Bryce, but he can't just ruin the guy's fantasies...

Bryce is trusting. Too trusting for his own good. He's... He's naive. He's naive and he put his trust into his boyfriend and now his boyfriend betrayed him and-

No, it'll be okay. Worst comes to worst, Bryce can spend Valentine's with him and Luke. They can both come by, pick him up and fuck, his mom doesn't know about him and Luke.

Is his mother homophobic? He never bothered to ask in the past, mostly because in the past this had never been of any importance. Maybe she'll just not care- it's not like she's going to be involved anyways.

"Hey, Ryan..." Bryce is calling his name now, in a playful voice of sorts. "You can't just ignore me like that!"

Ryan sighs. "Sorry... Just not feeling well."

Immediately, he's met with a concerned, deep blue gaze. "Oh gosh, do you need to go to the nurse? I can take you! Uh, hold on-" Bryce now pauses to lean over and feel Ryan's forehead "- Uh, you don't feel terribly hot, but if you're sick..."

"No, no! I'm gonna be okay," he insists. "Let's just do our homework, Brycey. Let me teach you the basics of trigonometry."

He turns Bryce's paper so it's easier for both of them to read. Thankfully, Bryce buys his diversion. He doesn't want to talk about his supposed 'illness', for he might spill the secret if he thinks of it any longer.

"Okay, so let's take this right triangle here, okay? You take the long side, and..."

--

It's not as cold as it was last time. It's actually quite warm for February, warm enough for Ryan to bring Buddy with him to the park. They're currently sitting at his favorite tree, basking in the sunlight and enjoying the fair-ish weather.

"... And I know you don't really know Bryce, Buddy, but trust me. He's too nice, he doesn't deserve this! And I was gonna tell Bryce right off the bat, but Luke told me it would be a bad idea... can you believe that?! He tells me all these things he thinks I'm doing and then tells me to solve my own problems first!"

Ryan pauses, shifting in his spot. "Do you think I'm avoiding my problems, Buddy? I don't think I am. I mean, who... Who would-"

"Ryan! Ryan, come here!" A familiar, more feminine voice calls out loudly, and Ryan looks up immediately. Ava is here, jogging up to him and grinning mischievously.

He looks up at her with caution. She's usually very giddy, yes, but...

"What... what is it?"

She cackles, grabbing him by the arm and gently pulling him along. "Come on, you'll love it!"

Ryan stumbles over his own words, no longer able to say no. Buddy, excited and oblivious, trots along besides them while carrying his own leash. He's got no idea what's happening. Bless his little doggy soul.

It's not until Ryan arrives that he realizes what's going on. Sitting on a small bench, all alone, is Jonathan. He's just staring blankly at the ground, the same kind of empty gaze he had been giving the world when Ryan first found him and Evan making out. A bit of anger bubbles up within him, but Ryan forces it back down.

The park is no place to make a scene. Especially not in front of Ava- she'll probably kick his ass if he gets into a fight out here.

"He's been here for a while now," Ava says. She looks around, now seeming confused. "Huh. I wonder where he went. There was a little chihuahua here, Ryan. He had the cutest smile I've ever seen a dog have! And he laughs, Ryan, he laughs!"

He can't help but smile at the thought of such a cute dog. If only he could meet the pup... Buddy could always use a friend.

"Man, I think Jon's broken," Ava announces, poking at Jon's side. "I'm not seeing any signs of life."

Jon blinks at the sound of his name. Ryan frowns, sitting besides his friend. He recieves no acknowledgement, no greeting, no sign that Jon even notices him. It's actually kind of unsettling, to see his friend so distant like this. Ryan heaves a sigh and waves his hand in front of Jon's face.

No response.

"Jon? Hey, come on... are you seriously ignoring me?"

Ava leans over them both, long purple hair now in Ryan's face. She makes a biting motion at Jon's nose, and frowns when she gets no response. "Aw man, that usually works..."

"Why- what are you doing to him?" Ryan backs away, having to shake Ava's hair off his head. (Seriously, how long is her hair?)

She pokes Jon's cheek and shrugs. "We've known each other since we were kids," she says, as if it were common knowledge. "In the first grade, Kelly dared me to kiss a boy on the playground. So I went to kiss Jon, but I accidentally bit him on the nose instead. He punched me for biting him, so we both got in trouble."

Ryan thinks. That... that really does seem like something Ava would do. And given his current situation...

"I'd like to bite Jon's nose right now," he mutters, practically feeling the resentment coming from his own voice.

Ava laughs at first. Then she sees how serious Ryan is, and she frowns. "What, did he do something?"

"I'd rather let him explain," Ryan whispers. Whatever good mood Ava had initially brought is gone now. He feels like crap again- not the same as before, thankfully, but still bad. "I think I have to go. I'll... I'll talk to you later, Ava. Call me?"

Ava grins. "Of course. We playing games?"

He smiles. "Of course."

--

Ryan doesn't realize it until some five hours later. Somehow, through that entire conversation, Jonathan hadn't said a damn thing. He just... stared, off into space like he wasn't even alive. That's far from normal.

It's quiet uptown. Ryan never did like this neighborhood, no matter how pretty it may look. He can tell why Bryce hates it here too- everything looks so stupidly picture perfect, even the less expensive, simpler houses like Ryan's. They look like something straight out of a magazine.

It's so unsettling. He grew up in a big, crowded city, where the sky was always alight with neon signs or the faint lights from skyscrapers. There's always the sound of people walking, talking, laughing, or of cars honking away at all times of day.

Here, it's quiet. Ryan never liked the quiet before, and he still doesn't like it now.

The house is empty. Even with his mother around. Buddy is good company, yes, but what good will a dog do when you need to be held and covered in kisses? Dogs can't cook dinner, either (not that Luke can cook, though).

His stomach growls. Ryan sighs. That's what he gets for barely eating today. Luke would lecture the shit out of him if he were here right now. Still, that means he cares, and honestly?

Ryan will never admit it out loud, but Luke's soft side makes him (quite literally) weak. All Luke has to do is give something that tender, loving gaze and just like that, Ryan is on the floor as a puddle of love, sugar, and homosexuality.

He sighs dreamily. Luke never fails to make him happy.

Ryan steps into his kitchen with renewed vigor to cook. He hums a little song to himself as he pulls out the stuff needed to make spaghetti (because Ryan is a slut for anything with noodles) and gets to work.

Of course... it would be so much nicer if Luke could just walk in and wrap his arms around Ryan. They could be like those cheesy couples in romance movies- dance in the kitchen, build pillow forts, make out like the horny teens they are... order takeout every night like a couple of heathens...

The possibilites are endless.