*TW* mention of suicide and suicide notes

  Kunikida silently opened the door and stepped inside. He tapped his boots off at the seemingly unused carpet. The interior of the apartment what pretty much vacant. To Kunikida it didn't seem like anyone lived here. There was little to no furniture, a singular chair paired with a small dark coffee table, definitely a place for one. Kunikida advanced placing the small bag he brought with him on the coffee table. He had never been to visit his colleague before, Dazai never invited anyone over. No one actually knew where he lived, hell they couldn't say with confidence that he even had a home. Kunikida stared blankly at the walls, they were a bland beige colour with no pictures or any sort of decoration on them. It looked as if he had recently moved in, minus any boxes. He walked towards, what he assumed was Dazai's bedroom. He pushed the half closed door open. Kunikida stepped inside, compared to the rest of the apartment it was more what Kunikida thought Dazai's home would look like. The bed, in the corner, was the neatest thing. The blanket was tucked neatly over the few pillows that rested against the headboard. It looked untouched. You couldn't say that for the rest of the room. The wardrobe, parallel to the bed, had both drawers open, clothes were hanging half way out or scattered in front. The weight from the clothes seemed like if anything else was placed inside it would definitely plummet to the ground. Diagonal from the wardrobe, parallel to the bed, was a white desk. It had papers scattered on top, empty cans, bottles and cups of noodles. The floor matched the desk, with just as much paper and garbage as it. Kunikida stepped over a small pile of paper and continued forward. He took a seat on the bed, feeling like he was the first person in a while to touch it. He most likely was. He brought his feet closer to the base of the bed, they hit against something roughly tucked under the bed. He lowered to his knees, lifting the blanket that dangled almost touching the ground. The object that he had hit with his heels was a badly hidden rectangular box. Nothing special about it just a brown box... Kunikida kneeled down nd dragged it forward towards him. He softly lifted the top up revealing the contents inside. Kunikida gently lifted the mound of paper that was placed neatly enough inside the box. His eyes glided across the first piece of paper.

To my dearest colleagues,
Living a life where you know you won't be happy Is hard. I tried.
Let's face it we all knew this would come hence why I tried my best to keep my distance from you all. I wanted to not get close so it wouldn't hurt when I left but, just like everything else I do, I've failed.
I don't want to hurt anyone.
Though a part of me knows some of you will probably be hurting for a while.
It'll be hard but, you're all strong. You'll all get through it. I'm not much to dwell on.
Life robs you of the things you want the most trust me I know that better than anyone...

Kunikida held his breath, reading this was too much for him, instead he slid his gaze down the paper. There were a bunch of headings underneath the writing at the top. Kunikida slowly read each one.
To Atsushi
To Yosano
To Ranpo
To Kunikida
...
He flipped the paper over to view the other side, still more writing. Dazai had taken the time to write each agency member a note
To junichiro
Kenji and Kyoka
The best secretarys
President, Fukuzawa
He didn't read what was written under the names. They were meant for each individual, as for his, reading the note left behind for all was harsh, reading the one for him would completely break him. Kunikida switched to the papers that were attached behind. There was a few pages that were dedicated just to Atsushi and various to his chibi or Chuuya. At the top of each in a small circle was the word 'draft'. Kunikida eyes hooked on the last of the pages he had picked up,

To my dearest Kunikida,

He took a deep breath, he hesitated before proceeding. With every word his heart sank, they way Dazai had written it was so elegant and beautiful, almost like a love letter except this was goodbye. He could tell Dazai had shed a few tears while he wrote the note. Dried up splotches of ink and salty water, curled the paper in various places. Kunikida bit his tongue as he hesitantly continued.

From the moment we met I made it my destiny to bug the ever living crap out of you. I seemed to have succeeded. But, that was never my true intentions. I so badly wanted to tell you how I truly felt but, things don't go as you always plan them. I remembered how you said you liked the way love letters were written and how much you appreciated them. I tried my damn best to write you one but could never get them right. As I'm writing this I have written about ten drafts, not one is suitable for you. Too sappy, corny, not enough love poured into them. I've came to the realization that no matter how much I try I will never get it right...  

Kunikida bit his cheek. Dazai may not have realized it but Kunikida did, this letter was the best love letter, Dazai had poured all the love he had left into writing this.

I will never be able to write it to perfection, never be able to write my way into your heart, I still need to understand what exactly love is. And I can't, I haven't learned how to love myself, I will never. Even so, I know I do truly love you. Maybe that's too sappy. But it doesn't matter as long as you know it. On another note, darkness has seemed to engulf my light, I have fallen into a dark hole and I can't get out. No matter how I look at it  it seems to get worse. I've bared with it most my life but, now it's finally the end, I can't bare it any longer. I'm sorry I have to rob you like this but, perhaps it'll be better. It'll take a little time to get used to but, at least you won't have me to bug you and mess with your schedule anymore. Please do take care Kunikida, Again... 

 As much as he tired Kunikida couldn't stop his emotions from fronting. A few tears found their way down his cheeks, landing on the paper in his shaking hands, where  Dazai's had previously been. Kunikida choked on his tears as his eyes landed and glided across the last sentence.

I'm sorry I was always in your way, interfering with your ideals and stuff, guess that was my way of telling you I love you. Welp, sorry for putting this burden on you.
And as always I Love You
Yours truly, Osamu Dazai

He clenched his fists causing the paper to wrinkle and rip. He didn't really care at this point, it was a stupid piece of paper. Even though, no matter how tattered or ripped that stupid piece of paper was, he'd still keep it with him at all times. This note may not bring back the one thing he wants the most but, it's the only thing he has left of that person. Kunikida spoke softly, his words breaking like shattered glass after being hold only seconds before. 

"Why couldn't I have told you I loved you too... you stupid idiot"