"Harry... Didn't I tell you to get rid of some of this stuff?"

Due to Harry's obsession with ordering things from Amazon, getting through the tiny hall and into the studio is now such a challenge that I'm thinking of hiring the hallway out as an assault course.

I squeeze between a lifesize statue of the Grinch and a large pile of Russian language DVDs, practically falling into the room.

"I did! I've sorted it into piles. I have a pile of stuff that I'm keeping and a pile I'm getting rid of." Harry glances at me over his shoulder. He's watching Dance Moms.

"Where is the 'getting rid of pile'?"

"There!" He points to a spot on the floor where there is a folded Pokémon t-shirt and a used chewing gum wrapper.

"I don't think so, pal."

"What?" He frowns, looking confused.

"Look, it's Christmas next month-"

"I know! You don't have to worry, I've ordered us a few trees-"

"A few?!" I stare round my tiny studio. "Harry, I'll let you put one tree up, but only if you get rid of at least half this stuff... You promised to have this sorted by the time I got home! We've got our next Dream Factory review tomorrow-"

"I have sorted it!"

"Not enough, Harry." I grab a random box from nearby. "You don't need all this stuff! Look at this... This..."

I stare down at the boxed vibrator in my hands.

"Um... Why to you have this?" I ask faintly, holding up the clear box containing huge phallic plastic vibrator.

"It's a back massager. I bought it for your mum for Christmas." He says haughtily.

"Harry this isn't..." I feel extremely weak at the thought of Harry presenting this to my mum over Christmas dinner.

"Isn't what?"

I exhale heavily, deciding to leave the explanations until later.

"Come on, let just make a start." I mutter.

Getting Harry to part with things is almost impossible. We're just arguing over why he needs a Kylie Jenner lip kit when the doorbell rings.

As I stand to answer it I notice Harry sneakily moving a few things from the 'get rid of' pile to his 'keep' pile.

After almost being lost under an avalanche of fitness DVDs, I pull the door open. It's begun to rain heavily and the sight that greets me is so pathetic my heart twists. Louis is standing there, completely drenched and shivering, twisting his velvet cap in his hands.

"Ah, fair maid." He valiantly tries to smile but he looks utterly miserable. "Tis' not fair weather for the earnest traveller."

As if to prove his point, a bright flash of lightning bursts behind him, accompanied by a low rumble of thunder.

"Louis, what's wrong?"

"I was just passing through and thought perchance you may be in residence..."

"Come in."

"I should not like to intrude upon-" he's cut off as I grab the front of his jacket and pull him inside whilst he mumbles apologies. I guide him through the maze of junk and into the sitting room. Harry's eyes widen at the sight of him and Louis attempts a cheery grin.

"Salutations, brother of mine heart!" Louis attempts to suppress a shiver and I make my way to the other side of the room to grab him a towel.

"What are you doing here?" Harry asks. "Where's Effie?"

"Ah!" Louis' mouth twitches downward. "My lady... My lady asked for me to remove my presence from her abode."

"What? Why?!" Harry and I ask in unison.

"It appears that her attentions are otherwise occupied and I have become an intruder in her heart. It... Alas, it would appear that my love, so willing given... Is unwanted."

"She just kicked you out at this time of night?" I ask, shocked.

"Alas, indeed." He says sadly. "It grieves my heart to impose upon your kindness, but perhaps you would permit me a little drink of water and perhaps a small amount of bread before I'm on my way?"

"On your way where?"

"To find an inn or tavern, whereupon I may lay my head and forget my earthly worries in the sweet oblivion of slumber." He shivers again. I seriously doubt he even has any money.

"You're not going anywhere." I say firmly. Harry nods in agreement. "Look, go into the bathroom, have a nice bath and when you come out we'll have some food and a talk, ok?"

"I... I couldn't possibly.."

"Yes, you can. Louis, do you really think we would be able to rest knowing that you were wandering the streets?"

My anger mounts again. I can't believe Effie has just thrown him out at this time of night, knowing that he doesn't know anyone and how vulnerable and trusting he is. Anything could have happened to him.

Harry is looking at Louis with alarm. He keeps opening his mouth as if to find the right words and I realise that this is the first time Harry has ever experienced having a friend in need of comfort. He looks around wildly, as if he'll get some sort of clue from the furniture.

"Let me find you some dry clothes." I sigh.

"Wait! Hang on!" Harry scrambles over the boxes, grabs something and then rushes back. He shyly holds out a bundle towards Louis.

I realise that it's his favourite Hufflepuff pajamas.

"These always make me feel better." Harry says kindly to Louis. "You can wear them."

I'm not crying, my eyeballs are sweaty.

"From the very depths of my heart, I thank you both." Louis' eyes are bright with tears. "For your kindness in my hour of need. I shall not forget."

His hands tremble as he takes the pajamas and with a gentle bow, he ducks his head and makes his way to the bathroom. Harry watches him go sadly then walks over to the kitchenette and begins raiding the fridge. At a loss of what else to do, I phone Grace.

I'm about halfway into the story when she starts shouting that she's going round to Effies right now to sort her out.

"You can't-"

"Just watch me. That bitch isn't gonna know what hit her-"

"Grace!" I grit my teeth. "We don't want to make a big deal of it... I don't think it's a good idea for the Dream Factory to know yet. Do you? I think we should keep it from Dr P for as long as we can. Do you remember what happened to Marcia's first guy? Dr P doesn't see them as human beings, if Effie doesn't want Louis then Dr P won't either."

She pauses.

"I guess you're right. Oh, but I could kill her! Anything could have happened to him! He's got no family to turn too, no one to help him-"

"He's got us."

"I suppose. He can't stay with you though, not in that studio. Me and Liam will drive over tomorrow to pick him up, we've got a spare room. I can't come tonight, I don't like driving in this weather."

"I've got my Dream Factory review tomorrow." I groan, suddenly remembering.

"Well, just keep Louis out the way. I'll pop by after work. In the meantime I'm gonna phone Effie." Grace manages to put so much menace into the words that she sounds like Al Capone about to order a hit. If Al Capone wasn't American. Or male. And he spoke with a Scottish accent.

Harry is dishing up food. He's arranged Louis' salad into a smily face.

It's odd to see someone else in Harry's Hufflepuff pajamas. Harry is wearing a Dobby onesie he bought from amazon, and tbf I think I do a pretty good job of keeping the conversation so serious, considering I'm talking to a 6ft Dobby and a boy in Hufflepuff Pajamas and a damp velvet cap.

"... So you just have to keep out for the way for our review tomorrow, then Grace and Liam will pick you up on the night and take you to their house. Right?" I take a bite of the delicious baked mushrooms, pushing my salad to one side.

Harry notices me avoiding his carefully prepared salad and narrows his eyes, but it's hard to feel threatened by a dude who is dressed as a house elf.

"I fear what is to become of me now." Louis sighs. "A heart without love is a meadow without flowers, a sky without the the golden promise of dawn ahead, a starless night. Alas, I dread the the fate that awaits me but I shall face it like a man!"

"What fate?" Harry asks through a mouthful of mushroom.

"The only fate left for star crossed lovers such as myself, young Harold!"

"Who's Harold?" Harry mouths at me.

I shake my head at him and turn back to Louis.

"My sweet love advised me to return from whence I came and do so I shall, by the first light of morn." Louis says in a dignified voice.

"Look, you're not going back to the Dream Factory, Louis, they'd kill you."

"You think I am afraid to die?" He says suddenly. He stands up and almost topples his bowl as he reaches for his sword. "Nay, not I, never I! As sure as my name is Louis Tomlinsono!"

Tomlinsono? Where the hell did he pluck that from?

Louis launches a long speech about heroic deeds and facing death like a man, swinging his sword as he does.

Harry and I continue eating, ducking the sword as we do.

As Louis begins to shout excitedly, I can't help but smile.

Ya know, for a moment there he had me worried.

****

I really need to sort all this crap of Harry's out before tomorrow morning. Everytime I try to move something into the "get rid of" pile, he grabs it and stores it behind him. Louis seems to be under the impression that they're taking part in a treasure hunt and he's gleefully assisting. After 15 minutes of this, I snap.

"Harry, why don't you show Louis that game?"

"Which game?" He squints suspiciously, clutching a spray tanning kit in one hand and 'Kim Karquackian' Rubber duck in the other.

"The game you like on the Wii. The one with the bunnies and candy land."

"Say, of what does the fair maiden speak?"

"It's just this cool game I have." Harry doesn't take his eyes off me. He wants to brag to Louis about his game but he doesn't trust my motives.

"It's multiplayer." I shrug, pretending not to be bothered.

"And what is required of the noble squire who sets forth on this... Game?" Louis looks to Harry, who actually looks more like a giant Yoda in his onesie, now that I think about it.

"You have to get all the bunnies to bunnyland to save the bunny queen." Harry is still watching me suspiciously. "And pick up lollies on the way."

"A QUEST!" Louis practically screams, drawing his sword.

"Well that's settled then." I smile smugly at Harry.

It's not long before theyre both deeply involved in the game. Louis keeps insisting on complicated strategies which are far beyond the 3-7 recommended age range. He's stood behind Harry on the sofa, brandishing the Wii remote like a sword. I don't think Effie had so much as a TV, Louis obviously thinks the whole thing is real.

With Harry out the way, I manage to sort through the stuff much quicker. There's a huge charity shop pile, which includes bits of a tat like a rubber chicken and a box of pencil cases. I sort another pile of things for Harry to sell and make some money back. I'm sure if I can get him going on eBay he'll enjoy selling stuff, plus we could really use the money at the minute. There is a storage room on the landing just next to my flat, and I singlehandedly heave everything in there, hoping the neighbours don't complain until after the Dream Factory visit tomorrow.

I had intended to spend tonight practicing methods of dodging direct questions with Harry, but it's almost 11pm by the time I'm done.

It'll be fine I'm sure. Nothing to worry about.

*†*

"Louis, stay in here, ok? I mean it, no matter what, you can't move from here-"

"Fair maiden, you have my word. Upon my honour as a man. My faults are many, but never let it be said that I broke a promise to one who trusted me, for indeed, did not even Lancelot-"

"Just stay in here." I groan, closing the bathroom door tightly.

Harry is pacing up and down. But before I can think of anything to soothe him, the doorbell goes. I walk slowly down the newly cleared hallway, wondering which of the Dream Factory staff we're going to get this time.

It's the blond Doctor we saw last time, Dr Morgan. This time, thankfully, she doesn't have her troll-like nurse assistant with her.

"Hendrix." She smiles tightly as I let her in. She follows me into the living room and sits down.

"Would you like a cup of tea or coffee?" Harry asks nervously.

"No." She glances down at her notes, instructing Harry to sit down.

"Harry, when we last spoke, you and Hendrix hadn't had sex. Have you had sex yet?"

Wow, straight to the point of what?

"Yes." Harry blurts uncomfortably.

"I see. Do you enjoy sex?"

"Yes."

"Do you see to Hendrix's need's before-"

"There once was a charming young fellow, his only weakness was a heart that was yellow..." 

A melodious singing voice is drifting from the bathroom.

"His life was a sin, filled with women and gin..."

"Um... I think I've left the radio on in there." I grin sheepishly. I slip across the room, smiling like the Joker until I reach the bathroom door.

"He was known throughout the land, for the slight of his hand, he could duel with one arm, he never came to any har-"

Louis' voice is reaching a crescendo as I yank the bathroom door open. He stops, mid note and stares at me with his mouth hanging open.

"What are you doing?" I hiss.

"Why, I was just amusing myself via the age old past time of a pleasant tune!" He practically shouts.

"Shhhh! You promised to be quiet!"

"Ah. You meant for me not to sing?"

"What!? Of course I meant for you not to sing!"

"Ah. Understood, fair maid. You need vex yourself with thoughts of me no longer. I shall not make a sound. Indeed, the gentle rustle of the wind on the grass shall be as a foghorn to my quietness. The distant squeak of a mouse shall sound like a trumpet in comparison to my silence. The-"

"Alright, alright, I get the point." I mutter. "Keep it quiet!" I point a warning finger at him and back out of the door.

Dr Morgan has obviously used my absence to ask Harry some deeply personal questions about our sex life, judging by his scarlet face and her long page of notes and satisfied expression.

Bitch.

"Ah, Hendrix. We were just about to move on to an aspect of your life that Dr P found especially interesting in my report. Last time we met, you told the that you had a fetish for watching Harry kiss other women. Is that still something you're exploring..?"

"No." I can feel myself flush with the sheer cringe and Harry, the little arse, actually lets out a snort of laughter at my embarrassment.

"Alas, my love, you do me wrong,
To cast me off discourteously,
For I have loved you well and long,
Delighting in your company..."

"That doesn't sound like a radio." Dr Morgan says, raising her eyebrows.

"Its one of these modern ones." I smile sharkishly, just as Louis decides to sing louder.

"Greensleeves was my heart of gold..
And who but my lady greensleeves.."

I'm going to kill him.

"Who is in there?" Dr Morgan narrows her eyes. Harry goes to answer but claps his hands over his mouth. She notices.

"Harry.. Who is in there?"

""Lo-"

"Ahoy there, foul beast!" The sudden roar comes from the bathroom. There's a yowl and I realise that Louis and Dave must have met for the first time.

"Come back and fight me, you scurvy rat, you foul and intolerable beast!" Louis shouts. Dave hisses and yowls again.

Annoying as my cat is, I have to save him, so I shuffle over the bathroom and open the door, allowing Dave to shoot out, meowing loudly, and also causing Louis to fall in a heap in front of us.

"Lp2387?" Dr Morgan gapes at Louis. "What are you... Your assigned partner phoned the office this morning, wanting to return you! We've been looking for you everywhere!"

"Effie.. My love... She has blessed you with sweet words from her lips?" Louis leaps to his feet and clutches his cap to his chest. "Please, give me all news of my beloved-"

"She wishes to return you. You have to come with me." Dr Morgan says. Harry and I are completely forgotten as she walks towards Louis.

"And if I come, shall I see my beloved again?" Louis picks up his sword and looks up at Dr Morgan. She falters for a second.

"Yes. I should imagine so." She frowns.

"Then do not delay! Make haste and take me to my lovers arms!"

I know what will really happen.

If she takes Louis now, he'll be 'put to sleep' or whatever the hell they call it. She's advancing on him slowly, talking gently.

Sometimes you just got to bite a bullet.

Since I met Harry, all I seem to have done is bite bullets. Regardless, I'll just have to take this one too.

"He's here because of my kink."

"What?" Dr Morgan turns to look at me.

"I want to keep him because... Ya know. That thing I've got with er... More than one person. That's why I kept him here."

She stares between us.

"Is this true?" She fires at Harry.

"Hendrix rarely lies." Harry answers. Im taken by surprise at this smooth dodge of an answer and I have to bite back a giggle when he winks at me, obviously incredibly impressed with himself.

"Regardless of your... Preferences... I will have to take Lp2387 with me." Dr Morgan sniffs. His owner no longer wants him, therefore he must be disposed-"

"I want to keep him with me." I say firmly.

"We are only trialling potential partners."

"I want two partners. I'm one of those thingys."

"Thingys?" She raises an eyebrow.

"Yeah." I try and blasé it out. "It's my religion. To have a couple of dudes."

"And what religion is that?" She rolls her eyes. My mind goes blank.

"You haven't heard of it." It sounds childish, even to my own ears. It's the sort of comeback Harry would give.

"Right. Well back in the land of reality, I'm taking Lp2387 with me-"

"I'll pay." I say desparately.

"What?"

"The costs I pay for Harry... I'll do the same with Louis too."

I try not to think about my Dad or my dwindling inheritance.

"You want to keep him that much?" She glances at Louis as I nod. He's twisting his cap between his hands nervously as she decides his fate.

"Hmm. I'll have to ok everything with Dr P first, but so long as the costs are met... Actually Peter was discussing, just last night, buyers who would want to buy more than one product at a time. We believed it would be one of the men who lead us down that path of experiments... And yet here you are."

"Can he stay?" My voice sounds amazingly calm. Harry has come to wrap an arm around my shoulder and Louis is glancing between us, awaiting the outcome. Dr Morgan glances round then heaves a sigh.

"So long as you can meet the costs... I don't see why not. Peter wanted to study the effects of separating a product from the buyer. After all, the product should be conditioned to be attached to the buyer no matter what... This could be extremely interesting for us actually."

All of us exhale in relief, but I get a sinking feeling when I think about more money leaving my savings.

Dr Morgan spends several more minutes asking questions of both boys now. She ends by informing me that someone from the Factory will have to come and interview Louis to see what he did 'wrong' to put Effie off him.

Finally, Harry sees her out and I fall back onto the settee with a sigh. I mean, I know it's only the Dream Factory and they're all arseholes anyway, but really when I signed up for this shit I didn't expect to end up having to pretend to be a kinky polygamist.

"Awaken, small rabbit creatures, awaken!" Louis is tapping the TV screen with his finger. I can't be bothered to show him how to turn the Wii on.

Harry comes back into the room smiling he claps his hands together.

"Well. That went well didn't it, Hendrix?" He says cheerfully.

I gape up at him, speechless.

I sometimes wonder what planet this boy is on.

*****

Dedicated to @justcuteharry thanks so much for reading xx

Wow, that's quite some snow storm in the UK at the minute!

*Sips cocktail on Spanish beach*

😆

Will update in the next couple of days...