Bucky was lost. Steve was gone and he didn't know what to do. Steve would usually be there, but he was gone on some mission and they wouldn't shut up. The voices, the screams, the pleads for mercy. He wasn't sure which cries were theirs and which cries were his. He was crashing. It was so much worse this time. Steve always knew how to calm him. He would hug him, and whisper in his ear, and pepper his face with kisses as he wiped away his tears. But he wasn't fucking there. 

He couldn't remember when he got to the bathroom. He couldn't remember when the bottle of Advil got in his hand and he couldn't remember why it was empty. He was now slumped over the toilet, heaving his guts out. All he could see was blood. And that was only when his head stopped spinning enough for him to see. He could barely breathe in between throwing up. When the heaving stopped for long enough, he blindly searched for his phone in his pocket. He held it in his shaking hand and found Steve's number by muscle memory. He weakly held the phone to his ear.

There was no answer. Damn it, there was no answer. He felt his mind slipping and his body was literally slipping. He fell to the ground and his eyes slipped closed. He was dying. He was going to die and Steve wasn't there and he was scared. Did he want to die? Why would he have taken the pills if he didn't want to?

***

Steve finally had a chance to check his phone in between waves of soldiers. He had felt it buzzing, but he couldn't answer it. He'd risk getting a bullet to the face if he did. He hid with his back against the wall as he turned the screen on. It read Missed Call: Bucky <3 7:46 PM. 

He checked the clock at the top right corner. It was now 8:37 PM. He quickly dialed Bucky's number and held the phone to his ear. There was no answer though. There was no Bucky yelling at him for not picking up his phone. It was too early for him to be asleep. He'd usually go for a walk around this time, but he always had his phone with him. He tried three more times but there was still no answer. Fear curdled in his gut. Bucky always answered his phone no matter what he was doing. 

He pressed the button on the com and told Tony he had to leave. He took the piece out of his ear before he could hear Tony's protests. He ran to his motorcycle and took off as fast as he could, the tire spitting rocks as he turned and started down the road. 

***

It was another forty-five minutes before he got to the tower, another two before he reached their floor, and only twenty seconds before he had the door to their room open. 

"Bucky?"

The stillness and silence of the room made him uneasy. Bucky was always humming or talking to himself when he was alone. It was never this quiet. 

"Bucky!" He began to search their apartment. He peaked his head in all the rooms, but there was nothing. He walked into their shared bedroom. Nothing seemed to be off. Not until he saw that the bathroom to his right was bright with light and the door was wide open. Bucky never left lights on and he always closed the door when he left. Always.  

His breath caught in his throat when he approached the bathroom. There was an empty bottle of Advil laying on the ground and Bucky's phone was lying abandoned beside it. That wasn't the worst part. The worst part was that Bucky was laying on the ground looking paler than he had ever seen him. There was blood leaking from the corner of his mouth which was alarmingly bright against his dull skin. "Bucky!"

He ran forward and pulled him into his arms. He checked for a pulse. It was there. Barely, but it was there. He grabbed Bucky's phone and managed to calm down just enough to call for an ambulance.

*** 

He looked dead. His skin was as pale as the bedsheets. His lips had always been a soft shade of pink, but now they were dull and matched the rest of his face. He had a nasal cannula resting under his nose so he could breathe. The soft whistling of oxygen through the tubes and the steady beeping of the heart monitor were the only sounds in the room. Aside from Steve's occasional cries, or telling Bucky how much he loved him, or his voice getting angrier as he told him how much of an idiot he was. Bucky didn't hear him though. He had been unconscious for hours. He held Bucky's hand tightly and refused to take his eyes off his face until he woke up. His face made him so sad. Made him so angry. It was so not Bucky. His smile lines at the corners of his eyes seemed to have vanished and it was so rare that he didn't have that stupid smirk painted across his face. 

It was another hour before he heard Bucky's sharp intake of breath and it was at least ten long seconds before he saw his baby blue eyes slowly opening. 

Steve couldn't help but smile in relief and reached his free hand forward. He softly ran the back of his fingers along Bucky's hairline as he squeezed the hand that was in his grasp gently. 

Bucky's exhausted eyes looked around in a daze for a moment before they looked forward and focused on Steve's face. He could tell he could see him because of the way his pupils dilated within his iris'. 

"Steve..." he mumbled.

"I'm here, Buck... I'm here..."

Bucky looked around for a moment and Steve could tell that he just now noticed where he was. The brunette closed his eyes and rested his head back. He seemed to be fighting tears. "Oh god... I- I'm so sorry... I didn't mean to..."

"I know you didn't, Bucky. I'm sorry I wasn't there..."

"I blacked out... I didn't realize what I had done until it was too late..."

Steve heard the heart monitor pick up in speed. "Bucky, it's okay. You're okay. Relax..." he rubbed the back of his hand with his thumb. 

A couple tears fell from Bucky's eyes, "I love you..."

"I love you too... I'm never leaving you like that again. I promise."

Bucky managed to give him a weak smile before the drugs the doctors had him on pulled him under again.