Yoongi scrolled through his instagram account nonchalantly. He wondered why he decided to download the app on his phone because now that's all he did throughout the day.

It was something that would keep his mind off things. Something that caught his attention span so he wouldn't mope around.

He had started working on himself. At least that's what he thought. In the last week, he'd picked yoga as a form of meditating. Hoseok came almost everyday to meditate with him.

He swore it did wonders for him so Yoongi figured it didn't hurt to try it out. Hoseok seemed to be a professional at it considering he'd been doing it for months.

Yoongi found it hard to find his 'inner peace'. The nagging voice in his head wouldn't shut up making it hard to relax.

Overall, despite getting episodes of undeniable sadness he was physically okay. He had a follow up with Dr. Choi a couple of days after Christmas.

He was told he was doing great and to return the following month. He was supposed to have monthly follow ups until further notice.

Yoongi was still editing YouTube videos and looking into possible career choices. For sure he knew he wanted to do something with computers.

That was something to look forward to. Jimin messaged him Christmas Day. A day after he confessed how he truly felt. It was an awkward conversation to say the least. Even their text message interactions felt forced.

Upon scrolling through his feed, he saw several pictures from Hoseok, Jin and Jeongyeon. His friend list was small.

Every time he came across a picture posted by his friends, his heart ached a little. It was as if everyone else was moving on except him.

It had only been a week, but to him it had felt eternal. It's not that he wanted everyone around him to be miserable, no that wasn't the case. It was the fact that he was so miserable he couldn't share the joy of seeing anyone else happy.

When his feed started getting repetitive, an intrusive thought crossed his mind. He reluctantly searched Chanyeol's instagram profile and held his breath. He'd posted recently on December 24th.

The picture was of a huge Christmas tree with gorgeous lights and spheres. His caption said, "had a great time!!"

He expected Jimin to be tagged, but he was not. He had over fifty likes and over fifteen comments. His curiosity got the best of him so he decided to read through them.

Why was he torturing himself? Why did he want to find Jimin's comment hidden somewhere? Was this not already painful enough?

Jimin hadn't commented, but he had liked it. Before he could stop himself he clicked his profile too. His heart stupidly raced after seeing his pictures through his phone screen. The most recent was posted in November.

He was smiling and had a thick red scarf wrapped around him. His chocolate brown hair was messy but styled and his cheeks rosy red from what he assumed was the harsh cold wind.

After scrolling through his pictures—that he'd seen over a hundred times—he groaned, throwing his phone across the room.

He found himself moping on his pillow in the darkness. His parents were already asleep. They had wanted him to attend Jeongyeon's New Year's party, but he wasn't in the mood.

Although they weren't trying to touch on the subject, his parents knew something was wrong. He appreciated the privacy they were giving him.

When his phone suddenly went off, he sat up. He instantly crawled out of bed tripping over an Amazon package he hadn't opened yet. Turns out online shopping was a bit addicting.

He sucked up the pain his toes were feeling and limped to grab his phone. His heart was racing hoping and wishing it was Jimin.

When he saw it was Jin FaceTime calling he subconsciously frowned. He attempted to erase the disappointment on his face when he picked up.

"Happy new years!" He screamed with Jeongyeon in the background making a lot of noise. He could tell they were both super wasted.

"Oh. It's New Year's already?"

As soon as he asked that, he heard the fireworks in the distance. He approached his windows opening up the curtain. Beautiful lights flashed across the sky and that's when he realized it was midnight.

"Of course it is! You should've come!" Jin said.

"I flashed my titty by accident!" Jeongyeon screamed.

Yoongi scowled, "Jin please take care of her."

"He put my titty back!" She laughed while holding onto Jin.

"I did. I put it back respectfully." He admitted with a firm nod.

"Fuck. Why did you let her get so wasted?"

Jin raised his eyebrow, "It's Jeongyeon. Two beers and she's gone."

"Why couldn't Chan put my titty back?" She pouted.

"Chan's not here sweetheart. If you're seeing him you're hallucinating."

Yoongi laughed as Jeongyeon danced in the background holding a beer bottle in hand. "Maybe I should've gone. The party seems fun. Did you invite Namjoon?"

"Yeah. He's here. I stepped away for a bit with Jeongyeon to call you."

"Jin's boyfriend is hot as fuck!" She yelled.

"Hey! He's not—we're not—" Jin became flustered and tongue tied.

Yoongi smirked, "You just told on yourself."

"Ahh whatever I—"

Before Jin could finish his sentence, Jeongyeon slipped, falling to the ground. "I'm okay! I'm fine!" She screamed.

Jin quickly put his phone down rushing to pick her up. By the time they were back on the screen, Jeongyeon was laughing to the point she was bright red.

"This girl is a mess. I need to clean her up. Happy New Year's Yoongi. We will visit you soon."

"Happy New Year's guys. Have fun! Please make sure she doesn't have another wardrobe malfunction."

"Will do. Bye!"

As soon as the FaceTime call ended. Yoongi's high spirits declined. He stared out the window again. There were still various fireworks in the distance.

He started thinking of what the following year would be like. Would he end up going to college? Would he stop loving Jimin? Would he find someone else?

After staring at the colorful sky for five minutes straight. He closed his curtains up. He stumbled to bed and collapsed face down over his stack of pillows.

He closed his eyes briefly, almost feeling like he could actually fall asleep. Sleeping did not come easy to him lately.

Just as he started drifting into sleep, his phone went off again. His eyes shot wide open, a bit startled. His brain made the connection that it was his phone going off so he picked it up thinking it was Jin again.

However, Jimin's name appeared on his screen. He froze, not moving from his position. He let it ring, unable to pick up. The phone finally stopped and it went back to his locked screen.

He felt himself get angry because why hadn't he answered? He couldn't bring himself to call him back. A few moments later, it started ringing again.

This time he jolted right up causing a bit of pain across his chest. He sat up and turned on the lamp beside his nightstand.

Jimin was FaceTime calling. He patted his messy mullet and quickly picked up soon realizing that his baggy shirt was exposing more of his collarbones and chest than he intended.

Insecurity took over him so he quickly pulled up his shirt. Jimin had a big smile on his face and this made Yoongi smile too.

"Happy New Year's!"

"Same to you." Yoongi responded.

"You're out with your friends? Namjoon told me Jeongyeon was throwing a party."

"Oh no. I...I decided to stay home. Catch up on sleep and stuff."

"Oh. I'm sorry. Did I wake you up? Are you okay?"

"No, don't worry. I'm fine. I...I've been sleeping okay just not enough. I'm so used to getting up at certain times throughout the night it's hard for me to stay asleep."

"Ahh. Sorry to hear that."

"Yeah. It's okay." Yoongi murmured. He started fidgeting with his hands and clawing his nails into his thigh. He felt so nervous talking to him.

He could also tell that Jimin felt the same way. There was minimal eye contact and their conversation was dry.

"So are you at a party?" Yoongi asked after a moment of silence. There was faint music playing in the background. Jimin looked like he was in his car.

"Oh yeah. I—my classmates threw a party so I attended it."

Yoongi nodded. Classmates. Party. Chanyeol had to be there. He knew later on the week he'd end up snooping on social media again to check an update on his recent posts.

"That's nice."

"Yeah. I just wanted to call you and see how you were doing."

Yoongi smiled, "I'm doing fine. Don't worry about me. I hope you're doing good too."

"I...I am."

"Good."

There was silence again. Yoongi's whole body was tense and his nails sure were doing damage to his skin even through clothes.

Suddenly there was a knock on Jimin's window. He opened his car door and murmured something to whoever had knocked.

"You seem busy. You should go enjoy the party." Yoongi said once Jimin had stopped talking to that person.

"I should let you sleep as well. Goodnight Yoongi. I hope you have sweet dreams and that this year brings you a lot of joy. You deserve it."

Yoongi's heart ached, "Thank you. I wish the same for you too."

Instantly after their conversation ended, Yoongi rested his face against his soft pillow again. He found himself curling into a fetal position as he closed his eyes.

Sleeping through tears would not be easy.