Yoongi looked at himself in the mirror for the hundredth time. Each time he was more disappointed than before.

He groaned angrily while combing his frizzy hair back. It was long enough now to tie it in a small bun. It was thick and voluminous making it hard to tame it down.

He was wearing the green emerald outfit Jimin had ordered for him. It still fit him rather large even though they had decided to size it down.

Today was Jimin's birthday.

It was a special day. One that Jimin had decided to come spend with him or at least for a little bit. He wanted to look good for him.

Yoongi felt ridiculous attempting to look good for someone that didn't see him that way. Jimin would probably not even look at him twice and yet he couldn't help himself.

He sighed stepping away from the mirror before he decided to change his outfit again or found something else wrong with his appearance. It was pointless to 'dress up' when he would end up covering it with a thick jacket, gloves and a scarf.

Jimin wanted to cloud watch and the October weather was quite chilly. Not cold enough for everyone else but to someone like Yoongi it wasn't worth risking catching a cold.

He sat on his bed with the small gift box in his hands. He really hoped Jimin liked it. In all honesty, he wanted to get him more things but he didn't want to make him feel weird about his gifts.

Maybe Jimin would take it the wrong way or interpret it for something else. Yoongi tapped his fingers on the box impatiently.

It's not that Jimin was late, because he wasn't. Yoongi had been ready an hour in advance. Now that the time was getting closer to him arriving his adrenaline was over the edge.

The minutes seemed to dread by slower. He thought of how to greet Jimin. He had to hug him of course. It was his birthday.

Would a side hug be sufficient?

He debated whether he should give him the birthday card he got for him with the little message he wrote. The last thing he wanted was to drive Jimin further away.

The point was to convince Jimin nothing had changed between them. To convince him that Yoongi didn't feel a thing for him, but it was difficult to mask his emotions.

He felt so much for Jimin.

Too much it was hard and painful to contain. Loving him in silence was depressing. It was weighing him down.

A knock on the door made him get up. He quickly put the gift inside a drawer to hide it. He took a deep breath and wiped his clammy hand before opening the door.

His heart both raced and ached at the sight of him. Fuck, why couldn't things be different? If they were he'd greet him with a big hug and a kiss. Instead, he greeted him with a practiced smile and an awkward wave.

"Hi Jimin! Happy birthday!"

Jimin entered the room and grinned excitedly, "Thanks so much. I appreciate it. The green outfit looks really good on you."

Yoongi laughed a little telling his brain this was a simple friendly compliment. Nothing else. "Yeah I really like it."

"I brought you your favorite warm drink." He said putting down a brown bag and a plastic cup of coffee down.

"It's your birthday. You shouldn't be buying me things." He mumbled however he felt so internally happy inside to know that Jimin thought of him.

"I figured it would keep you warm when we go up there." He smiled.

Yoongi bit the inside of his lip while walking over to the drawer. He opened it up and spotted the small box and the birthday card envelope.

Before he changed his mind, he grabbed them both and approached Jimin. Extending his arms out to him without directly facing him.

His face was hot and his hands were shaking. He felt stupid to act so childish over something so little.
Jimin took them both with a big smile.

He hated to admit it but birthday presents were his favorite. He didn't care what he got, he just enjoyed knowing people thought of him.

Yoongi could give him a rock with a bow on top and he'd be the happiest man on earth. He carefully ripped open the yellow wrapping paper to see what was inside of it.

"Sorry about the color. I told Jin to buy me one from the store and he picked my favorite color."

"It's fine. I don't mind yellow at all."

Yoongi didn't say anything after that. He was anxiously waiting for him to revela what was inside. When Jimin pulled out the silver bracelet his heart nearly stopped.

"Yoongi, this is beautiful. You shouldn't have wasted your money on me."

"I wanted to. I hope you like it."

"I do. It's beautiful! Do you mind?" He asked as he extended his wrist out.

Yoongi clumsily took the bracelet and attempted to clasp it together. His hands were so shaky and sweaty that it was hard to clasp it.

Ten excruciating seconds later, he managed to do it. He looked at Jimin's hand and how pretty the bracelet adorned him. His vision had been true.

"It fits perfectly. How did you know?"

"I asked Taehyung."

Jimin chuckled, "Makes sense. I love it. Thank you." He said admiring it.

"You're welcome."

Jimin took the envelope next. Yoongi felt a little lightheaded at this point. His heart was racing making him hyperventilate.

"Are you okay?" He asked before pulling the card out.

"I'm fine." He said with a nod.

Jimin proceeded with caution.  He pulled the card out and smiled. It was a cute cartoon with the number 24 on it. The best part was what was written inside.

'Jimin, happy birthday. I hope twenty-four treats you well. I appreciate you and everything you've done for me. I don't think you realize how much you help others and how much you are loved. You deserve it all, Jimin. The sun, the moons and all the fucking stars. You deserve all the happiness and success in the whole entire world. I'm forever grateful for you and I hope I get to know you in my next life.'

Something awoke within Jimin that made his heart flutter. He inhaled sharply and smiled immediately, wrapping his arms around him.

"I can't express how much your words mean to me." He murmured, closing his eyes briefly.

Yoongi accepted his embrace, holding him tightly and inhaling his familiar cedar wood scent. Jimin was comforting. He was a cup of warm tea on a harsh winter day.

They stayed there for seconds. Even minutes. Neither one of them had the courage to pull away. This just felt natural. It felt right.

Jimin slowly pressed his hand over Yoongi's neck. He could feel his pulse thumping fiercely and increasing speed as his hand pressed tighter around him.

Yoongi melted at his touch and he almost dropped to his knees. Jimin didn't know why he was doing this to begin with. Sudden flashbacks from their heated night struck them both.

Time froze in that instant. They both tensed their bodies almost like they were trying to control themselves. The tension was torturous.

Yoongi was the first to step back. He reminded himself Jimin only wanted him because he couldn't have Chanyeol. He only wanted touch because he was lonely.

Jimin wanted to apologize for doing that. He looked down embarrassed as he put the card back in the envelope.

It had been a week since Chanyeol had asked him out and he still hadn't given him an answer. He was so confused and his emotions were all over the place. Doing these things to Yoongi was not helping him sort his feelings out.

"Should we go cloud watch now?" Jimin asked, tucking the card in a pocket inside his jacket.

Yoongi nodded his head a bit disappointed Jimin had brushed over their previous interaction. He told himself it was for the best to not bring it up.

After all, it had been him who told Jimin to pretend nothing had happened that night. So could he really blame him when he was only doing what was told?

"Yes." He walked over to his clothes drawer to put on a thicker winter jacket on top of his emerald sweater. He wrapped a scarf around his neck, put on a beanie and a mask. Then he put on thick gloves to cover his hands.

He caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror and cringed. Now he looked like a marshmallow. "Sorry. I have to cover up or Taehyung will not let me go out."

"I understand. It's quite chilly out there." He said adjusting his own scarf.

Yoongi nodded and grabbed his coffee cup and brown bag. Taehyung gave them a quick look as they headed in the elevator. It was evident he only wanted to make sure that his patient was dressed in appropriate clothing.

The elevator ride to the rooftop was quiet. They would usually stand beside each other but they were pretty much a foot away.

Jimin was the first out and he followed him behind. The cool air hit him and he shivered a little. His eyes hurt a little in the bright sunlight. He wasn't used to this much sun exposure.

It wasn't the same watching the sun behind a closed window. He pulled his mask down while taking a sip of the warm coffee.

He felt it warm his insides up and he was thankful to Jimin once again for thinking of him. After a few more sips he felt much warmer.

Yoongi was surprised to see that Jimin had already set a blanket down on the ground with two small pillows right under the shade.

"I love cloud watching." Jimin said with a big smile. He took a seat and sighed as Yoongi sat next to him.

"Why do you like it so much?" He wondered and pulled out the brown sugar muffin from his paper bag.

Jimin shrugged, "I don't know. You enjoy watching the stars and I enjoy the clouds."

"Fair enough." Yoongi smiled. He put his coffee cup next to him, being careful to not spill it. Then held up the brown sugar muffin.

"Happy birthday. Pretend there's a candle there."

"It's your muffin though."

"It's okay. We can share. Make sure to make a wish before you blow it though." He said with a big smile.

Jimin blew the invisible candle and closed his eyes. I wish to know you in my next lifetime. He looked over at Yoongi who was still looking at him.

"I hope your wish comes true."

Jimin smiled, "Me too Yoongi."

They split the muffin evenly and began eating it. It was a bit cooler under the shade, but it helped that it wasn't windy outside. Their legs were exposed to the sun so that helped him be warm.

"So how do we do this?" Yoongi asked after they were done eating. It was very peaceful out here. The sky was beautiful, bright and blue.

The clouds were white, big and fluffy. It felt like Yoongi could reach over and grab one to eat. Jimin laid back down on the small pillow and patted the space next to him.

Yoongi was wondering why he had brought the pillows and now he could see why. He started leaning back, but struggled a bit.

His portable oxygen strap started sliding down his arm. He had to adjust it several times until it stayed in place.

"Sorry." He said after he had fixed it.

"Why are you sorry?"

"It's just...difficult for me to do things. I have so much equipment." He murmured. The insecurity started crawling into his mind, settling in comfortably.

He couldn't help to think that even if Jimin and him were a thing they wouldn't be able to go on regular dates. They would only be able to go to the hospital rooftop and in his room.

They wouldn't be able to kiss without taking a break and let alone make love. Their relationship would just be impossible because Yoongi would only think about the things they couldn't do.

That was a plan doom from the start.

"Nonsense. I don't ever notice it."

Yoongi's chest ached. He hated feeling this way. Full of insecurity and therefore making Jimin feel like he had to make him feel better.

"Hey," Jimin said, grabbing his hand. He had noticed the way Yoongi's expression changed and how his body suddenly reacted.

Even through the thick glove Yoongi could feel his warmth. He looked down at Jimin's hand and how he held it.

"That looks like a blob fish to me." He said pointing to a cloud.

Yoongi took his eyes to the cloud and he stared at it for a second. He couldn't quite see what Jimin was talking about until he did.

His eyes widened excitedly, "Woah! It looks like it! I see it! Oh! That one looks like a mayonnaise jar!"

Jimin laughed, "It looks more like a soda can to me."

"No, look at it closely." Yoongi scooted closer to him until their shoulders touched.

Jimin could feel his warm breath hit his cheek and the subtle oxygen noise making its way to his nose through the tubing.

"Close your left eye and turn your head a little to the right."

Jimin did as he was told, "I still see a c—wait! I think I see what you're talking about. The little squiggly right here looks like the logo!"

"I told you!" He said with a laugh.

Jimin turned to look at Yoongi realizing he was still holding his hand. He didn't know how to comfort him besides showing him.

"Hey! That one looks like a Christmas tree to me. You see the pointy thing right there? That's the star and then if you keep looking down that part it looks like a tree skirt! Ha! There's the presents right there. Do you see it?" He asked while looking back.

His smile faded as he met eyes with Jimin who was already looking. His face started getting hot and he automatically pulled his hand away to put it over his face.

He pretended to scratch the side of his cheek attempting to cover himself up. Jimin could see right through him and that made him feel vulnerable.

He had never felt that way with anyone before. It's like he could see through everything and no matter how many layers of clothes he wore, Jimin could see right through.

"Yoongi, I really don't mind any of it."

Jimin's words felt like bullets on his skin. He meant well but the sadness it brought upon him was sickening. His jaw started to tremble and the familiar gut wrenching sensation hit him brutally.

"You have to say that because you're my friend. That's what everyone tells me but it's because they pity me."

"I don't pity you." Jimin stated. His voice was calm and collected, but his heart ached too. He didn't want Yoongi to feel this way.

"I..."

"Yoongi. I don't pity you." He repeated a bit louder.

He waited for Yoongi to reply but he didn't. Yoongi's eyes were focused on the sky above and his hand was still pressed over the side of his face almost like he was hiding.

Jimin sat up and leaned over him blocking his view. Yoongi gasped a bit startled now he had no option but to look at him.

"Why do you think I pity you? Why is it hard for you to believe me?"

Yoongi swallowed the knot in his throat, "Because look at me. Really look at me. There's absolutely nothing about me to not pity. I'm thin, brittle, I'm sick. I carry oxygen with me ninety percent of the time because if I don't I hyperventilate. Every time you touch me—every time you wrap your arm around my waist I—I can't help to think that you're disgusted. My feeding tube is on the way and—ever since that night I—I'm so embarrassed. I know it was a silly make out session but it was a reminder that I'm not normal. I can't ever be normal. I can't make out with anyone without having breathing attacks. I can't get undressed without feeling insecure. I..."

His voice trembled. He stopped talking before he bursted into tears. His face was flushed and once again he turned his face and body unable to look at Jimin. He laid on his left side wanting to curl into a ball.

His eyesight felt blurry staring at the wall in front of him. When Jimin laid in front of him and beside him he felt both relieved and anxious.

"I didn't know you felt that way. I know it's hard for you to believe but I really do not care about any of that stuff. I am not disgusted about your appearance or your condition. Yoongi, that night I kissed you because I wanted to. I wanted to kiss you and feel you and that is not a lie."

Yoongi's heart fluttered and his head suddenly felt like it could burst. His breath hitched and before he could even respond Jimin's phone went off.

"Shit. Sorry." He mumbled pulling his phone out. He stared at the screen for a second before looking back at Yoongi.

The look on Jimin's face told him who was calling. He sat up and started to get up. "I'll give you some privacy. I'm going to look at the clouds over there." He said.

"Yoongi—"

He stopped and turned back to him but Jimin didn't say anything else. Again, he hesitated and that did not make Yoongi feel good.

"Don't worry. I'll wait over there."

He started walking again until he was by the edge. Jimin's voice was quiet, but he could still somehow hear it. He couldn't quite understand what he was saying however he could only imagine.

Chanyeol must've been telling him a good birthday and Jimin had to be really happy to hear from him. Yoongi rested his arms on the edge and looked down at the parking lot underneath him.

What had Jimin meant when he said he wanted to kiss him? To feel him? Was it out of lust? Curiosity? Loneliness?

He groaned, closing his eyes. His temples started throbbing and he finally reopened them once he felt Jimin beside him.

"I'm sorry our conversation was interrupted."

"It's fine. Don't worry. You must be getting a lot of calls today. It's your special day." Yoongi said with a smile.

"Yeah. I—"

"Let's just keep watching the clouds. I don't want to ruin the mood. Let's have fun again like we were in the beginning. Come on."

Yoongi motioned for him to follow. The last thing he wanted was to keep bringing the mood down with his insecurities.  It was Jimin's birthday and it wasn't right for them to talk about this now.

Not to mention Chanyeol's call was a cruel reminder that he was still very present in Jimin's life. It was a warning to protect his heart and spare his feelings from more humiliation.

As long as Chanyeol was present, Yoongi would always be the second choice. He was the other option when Jimin felt lonely and was drunk.

Yoongi's head hurt and his chest too. Nothing hurt him more than to be desired and not loved.