"It's not my birthday." Yoongi stated as Jimin handed him a plain small brown paper bag.

"I'm aware but open it up." He grinned.

Yoongi eagerly took out the gift paper. Once he did he saw a yellow notebook. It looked fairly new and had an elastic strap to keep it shut. He raised his eyebrow looking back at Jimin.

"What—?"

"Open it up." Jimin interrupted excitedly.

Yoongi smiled cheekily. It was cute to see Jimin so happy about something. Any present coming from Jimin was valuable to him.

Very carefully, he moved the strap and opened it up. The first page on the yellow bullet journal he saw was his own bucket list. Beside each number there was a checkbox beside it.

It was well written in a pretty cursive font. The things they've done together had a check mark beside them and the rest were blank.

He flipped the page and there he spotted a detailed list of all the coffees and sweets that Yoongi had tried from Sugary Sweets ranked from his most favorite to least.

Now that he saw this he recalled all the times Jimin asked for his opinion about the drinks and sweets. He had been asking because he was keeping track of them. Yoongi never thought much into it which actually made him even more satisfied to know Jimin was thinking of him the whole time.

The next page consisted of their experience swimming. The written report included the day, time, and even what they wore to swim.

Then there was the star night 'date' which still held a special place in Yoongi's heart. How could he forget that's the day they held hands?

There was a picture of Yoongi looking through the telescope that was included. He felt himself cringe a little hoping that Jimin didn't have more off guard pictures of him.

He wasn't a fan of his appearance and especially when it was off guard, but looking at that picture warmed his heart. It brought him back to that night they talked, laughed, and ate banana sandwiches under the moonlight.

The following was their fancy dinner date, the food, the dessert. It was all so well written Yoongi could smell and tasted the food through the page.

On the last few pages that were filled—until now—was a report of the Twenty One Pilots concert and Jimin's experience.

Jimin had printed out pictures of himself in line to the stadium, several pictures he'd snapped of the iconic duo and a list of all the songs they had played with time included.

At the very bottom Jimin wrote what happened while being there. It was so well written that Yoongi could physically hear the chanting crowd and the voice of his idol singing his favorite songs.

Of course Jimin had shown him every single video he recorded since he had been sick and fell asleep through the whole thing. However, reading Jimin's personal experience about his favorite band in the whole entire world was something so heartwarming.

He felt his eyes fill with tears and the joy he felt inside was enormous. Yoongi had lived and experienced so much without ever leaving the hospital grounds.

He hadn't realized how much they've done over the last six months until now. His hunger to live grew a thousand times more after seeing this.

Yoongi needed to get a transplant. He needed to get out of this hospital so he could do everything he ever dreamed of.

If he was able to do all of these things while being stuck here, he couldn't imagine what his life would be like if he weren't here.

"I wanted to give it to you so you could add your input. I think it would be nice if you write in it too. It'll be something that you will look back at one day and memories are always a beautiful thing to recall."

Yoongi closed the notebook and put it down on the nearest table. Without thinking about it twice he threw himself towards Jimin wrapping his arms tightly around his neck.

He held him tightly, not wanting to let him go. There was something needy about the way he held him but he didn't care.

He didn't care that he seemed desperate or weird. There were no words to thank Jimin for this present that had brought so much hope to him.

The only way to show his gratitude was by his actions. If he could only kiss him and touch him the way he wanted to—

"Are you upset?" Jimin asked. He didn't reject his embrace, in fact he hugged him back wrapping his strong muscular arms around Yoongi's tinier frame.

"No. I'm very happy. Thank you." He murmured into the crook of his neck.

The shiver Jimin felt down his spine when his warm breath hit his skin was thrilling. "You're welcome." Jimin whispered back.

Yoongi kept holding him for a few more seconds until his arms went numb and he had to let go. His hands were clammy and his face hot.

He could only picture how deeply he was blushing from the contact with Jimin. The way his body reacted when touching him scared him.

Jimin had so much control over his being that it was terrifying. His skin got goosebumps, he got chills down his spine and the hairs behind his neck stood up proudly almost like his whole body was saluting him for simply being close.

"How's Hoseok?" Jimin asked, noticing how uncomfortable Yoongi looked.

He wondered if it had been the hug. He didn't think Yoongi minded having his arm wrapped around his waist, but maybe it bothered him because of the feeding tube.

Yoongi was thin enough that he could wrap one arm around his frame easily. He knew this was one of his insecurities so he attempted to shift the subject to not bring attention to it.

"He's doing great. He has one more week and he will be officially discharged. He's been doing pulmonary rehabilitation and intensive care. From what he tells me, it's not a walk around the park. After he's discharged he has to stay close to the hospital so his parents rented an apartment nearby. They have to closely monitor him for a few more weeks in case there's a risk of infection or whatnot before releasing him to his own home. Luckily for me, if I ever do get a transplant my parents live right around the corner."

"That's good to know. They won't have to rent a place out and you'll be near the hospital."

Yoongi nodded as he sat on the bed. Jimin sat next to him and yawned. He ended up laying back and his sunglasses falling from his head.

He extended his arms out and his shirt came up. Yoongi noticed the two moles by his navel that he once had touched.

The gesture of Jimin giving him the notebook and writing about their 'dates' had left Yoongi wondering. Could Jimin possibly feel something romantic towards him?

"What are you looking at? Oh! My elephant!" He laughed.

Yoongi grinned, "Yeah your elephant."

"That's such a cool thing to know. You know I showed Chanyeol and he thought it was so creative." Jimin was still laughing almost like he was remembering his interaction with Chanyeol.

Yoongi furrowed his eyebrows, "What? You showed him?" He asked a bit bitterly. He knew it was stupid to get so heated over this, but it truly did bother him.

"Yeah! He has one of his bicep."

His bicep? Why had Jimin been close enough to Chanyeol that he touched his bicep? Did that mean that....

"Does he now?" Yoongi asked with a blank face. He could tell his tone of voice had changed but Jimin still seemed to be in his little world that he hadn't noticed. Probably still drooling over Chanyeol's bicep.

"Yeah he does."

"Did you take him to Sugary Sweets too?"

"Huh? No. He's not that big into coffee. We did get to use my dads telescope though..."

Yoongi stopped listening after he said the telescope thing.  His mind went to a dark place. He felt himself spiraling with jealousy and anger.

The stupid idea of Jimin having romantic feelings towards him was simply that. A stupid thing to think.
Jimin was infatuated with Chanyeol.

He was so deeply into Chanyeol  that he had even done things with him that Yoongi thought were sacred to them both. Things he thought were special between them two.

"Why would you show him the elephant thing?" He snapped before he could think clearly.

Jimin finally picked up on his tone and sat up adjusting his shades above his head. "What do you mean? I didn't know it was a secret." He said with a small awkward chuckle.

"Yeah? Well it was our thing. Why—why would you tell him about it?" Yoongi continued to feel his anger build up in the center of his stomach. Had he been doing everything they've done with Chanyeol too?

It felt like his insides were tying themselves into a thick knot. He stood up because being near Jimin was making him angrier.

"Yoongi what the hell? Are you seriously upset over this? I just showed him something that I thought was cool. I didn't think you'd mind. I didn't know it was a secret."

Hearing this from Jimin only triggered him more. It was childish to argue over this. Yoongi knew that but his anger wouldn't let him back down.

Yoongi brought his hands in the air, unsure of what to say. What the hell was he doing? Why was he being so irrational? The more he tried to bite his tongue the stronger his words came out.

"You don't get it. You never will! Just—just leave."

"Yoongi, are you being serious? Over the stupid elephant mole thing? If I had known it was a secret I would've kept it that way." The sarcasm was unmistakable, fueling Yoongi's bitterness.

"Yeah you're right. It's not that serious. It's not serious at all. Go eat with Chanyeol and share everything with him. I don't care at all!"

Jimin took a deep breath, "Okay you're clearly upset. I think it's better if I let you cool off. We can talk later."

"I am cooled off. I'm not angry at all! You can do whatever you want. Just leave me fuck alone. Leave."

Jimin opened his mouth to say something but then closed it back up. He pressed his lips into a thin line and nodded.

He didn't say anything and made his way out the door. As soon as he turned his back towards Yoongi, the worry inside of him bloomed.

Yoongi closed his eyes fighting down the urge of panic telling him to run and crawl to Jimin's feet and beg for him to stay.

He closed his eyes so tightly he started seeing stars. His increased breathing was making him feel lightheaded probably from tensing his muscles so hard.

There was a sudden deep pressure on his chest. It hurt. It stung. The ache spread itself all over his body and he wanted to both scream and cry.

When Jimin approached Taehyung's desk with a worried expression he got alarmed. "What happened? Is he okay?"

"No. He's very upset. I made him angry and I don't really understand how. I'm going to leave him alone for now. Let me know if anything changes."

Taehyung nodded and as Jimin headed out he could only imagine what had upset Yoongi so bad. It was obvious that he had fallen for Jimin and the only one that couldn't see it was Jimin himself.

He turned to his left to an empty spot that was usually occupied by Jungkook. He was moved to another floor to continue Hoseok's care.

It was too risky to keep him on the floor with the patients that had cystic fibrosis. He hadn't seen him in two weeks and they actually had talked since he confessed that he was still in love with his ex.

His thoughts were interrupted by the sound of something falling inside Yoongi's room. Something very loud. He quickly ran, not bothering to knock.

There he found a furious Yoongi throwing everything on the floor. His med cart, his Aflo vest, and even the lamp on his nightstand.

Yoongi  stopped until he picked up a yellow notebook that was on the table. His breathing was so hectic he was starting to wheeze.

Taehyung looked at the messy room and then at Yoongi who looked broken. He had tears in his eyes and he finally collapsed on the floor wailing like a kid.

He kept the notebook on his lap not caring if he was loud or if he looked absurd. Taehyung slowly approached him and kneeled next to him.

After all this time, he had never seen Yoongi shed a single tear. He had been poked hundreds of times, been in terrible pain, been horribly sick over and over but he never cried.

It was something Taehyung wasn't used to witnessing. Yoongi was a trash talker, he made his job ten times harder but he was resilient and fun.

Yoongi was loud and obnoxious but he was never sad. Yoongi was never depressed. Yoongi was never upset. Yoongi never cried.

Or so he thought.

"Yoongi." He said quietly.

He gasped, turning to Taehyung. Due to his mental breakdown he had been so caught up with his rage that he didn't even hear him come in.

"I'll clean it up." He said, wiping the tears off his face. It was useless. They poured out of him like an opened faucet.

Taehyung thought it might've been all the years of sickness and all of the years of grief finally coming out of him.

At the end of the day Yoongi never complained. He kept a smile on his face when his parents came, when his friends visited and even when Jimin did.

But he was only human.

No one knew what really went on inside his head except for Yoongi himself. Taehyung slowly reached over to rub his back.

"I'm sorry you're upset."

"It's not your fault. I'm not upset." He said in a defiant childish tone.

"I can clearly see you are."

"Am not!" He screamed back.

Once the words left his lips he felt the anger in his stomach and chest boil again. He let go of the notebook and dug his nails in his hands until he bled.

"What's the matter?"

"What's the matter?" Yoongi repeated through a laugh.

He stood up quickly, his nails still deep in his palm. He didn't care that he was bleeding. He needed something to hurt besides the mental pain.

"The matter is that I'm fucking useless. I'm tired of being here! I'm tired of being stuck in a fucking hospital taking forty something pills every day! I'm tired of doing that stupid vest that makes me spit up mucus! I'm tired of having such a shitty immune system that the fucking breeze gives me pneumonia! I'm tired of looking like a sack of bones because my body doesn't absorb nutrients! I'm tired of this fucking feeding tube on the side of my stomach that pokes out like a sore thumb! I am so fucking tired that I am so fucking jealous of Hoseok because he got a set of lungs and I didn't! Those should've been for me!"

By the time he was done screaming his throat burned. He sat in the bed exhausted from the adrenaline finally slowing down.

The guilt that followed behind was sickening. He grabbed his stomach feeling like he could sob again. What kind of horrible friend was he to wish he would've gotten the transplant instead of Hoseok?

What kind of twisted mother fucker envies their friend?

Taehyung sat next to him. "Hey, your feelings are valid. Every single one of them."

"I'm a horrible person. I'm a horrible friend." Yoongi said mortified. Had he been this envious person all along?

Taehyung held his hand, grounding him back, "No you're not. You're only human. You expect too much out of yourself. Your whole life you've been conditioned to be brave. To put a smile on everyone's face  because you feel guilty for being sick when it's not your fault. You want to spare everyone's feelings except your own. You are allowed to feel angry, to be mad at the world and even Hoseok himself. The anger is not directly towards him but towards the situation. You're tired of being here and you will rather be everywhere else but in your current situation. The anger will pass and you will feel much better after letting it out. So allow yourself to cry, allow yourself to scream, to punch and bite your pillow. Do whatever you need to do to get all of that anguish you've been hibernating for twenty-five years. Allow yourself to feel."

Yoongi's breath shook a little as more tears streamed down his face. He had been wanting to hear that his whole life. He had been craving to let go of all the shit he felt inside.

Funny how one single action triggered him to crumple and finally let everything out. The mere image of Chanyeol watching the stars with Jimin destroyed him. The thought of Jimin touching Chanyeol's bicep broke him.

That should be him. He should be the one being touched, loved, cared for. He should be the one watching the stars, the moon and the clouds with Jimin not Chanyeol.

It was a tough pill to swallow. Wanting to have a life you knew you couldn't. Waiting for something to change and something to happen to turn your life around.

"Do you want me to stay with you?" Taehyung added.

Yoongi shook his head no. He wanted to be alone and to process his hectic thoughts. Taehyung nodded, "Very well. Call me when you're ready and we can clean everything up together."

After Taehyung left Yoongi laid in bed staring at the familiar white ceiling. Again, he started spiraling into a self loathing void.

A void Yoongi couldn't escape.